How the hell can dads just up and leave their kids?!

[harboromummy]

Feeling super hormonal tonight.

Left abusive ex husband over two years ago. He was around the kids the first year, this year he's been shocking. Haven't heard from him in over a month, doesn't pay csa, demands to have the kids on his terms (I.e every time it's someone in his families bday so he looks "good").

My dd isn't that bothered, she's 7 and my ds whose 6 doesn't really talk about him. But they adored their dad.

I'm heartbroken for them. They must be. How can someone just leave like that?! How can he carry on his life and no be bothered especially having spent 5/6 years with them practically full time?! I'm so angry.

Honestly? I think its because the majority of men don't give a damn. I do think its biological - they're programmed to impregnate and move on.

I think claiming that the men who do this do it because its how they are biologically or just 'different' to women does everyone a massive disservice. A disservice to the men who do right by their children after divorce, a disservice to the children abandoned by their dads and a disservice to the women who have to pick up the pieces.

Some people (men and women) are just shit and dont give a toss about anyone hut themselves. Thats not biological but behavioural.

Because they can, because society finds it acceptable on the other women who abandon their kids are reviled and people are shocked and disgusted with them.

The less time you spend with your kids the less of a bond you have with them. That's the sad truth.

So if you worked long hours, only saw them for a handful of hours at weekends (and were on your blackberry even then), chances are its not too much of a wrench to leave them.

I don't think that's unique to men though its more likely that a man will be in that position to being with.

I saw that post in step parenting where people were berating the father for not applying for a court order to see his child more regularly. Some men just don't. My father didn't, when he eventually came back he saw me twice a month under my mums ruling and that was fine as I didn't know any different

We have a great relationship now btw, obviously I'll never truly forgive him for what he did but we still get on

It's not just Dads. A mum in our extended family has just upped and left her kids. Words fail.

You are right it isn't just dad's. Just like some mums do use their children to point score. no matter how many think it doesn't happen

DH exW for example had a massive rant on FB about how DSc were at my DH parents for the weekend and not with him. What a terrible parent he was how he obviously wasn't interested in them etc etc.

Cue the list of posts about how DH should hang his head in shame etc.

What ExW failed to say was that DSc were with GP because he was at the hospital with me as I was in intensive care fighting for my life.

He had asked ExW to swap weekends and she said no as she had a date.

XH told DD2 that 'he had a new family now' when he left me. Give him his due, he paid for her right up until she left school, but has refused to give her more than a few quid now that she is at uni. she 'wanted to go to uni' therefore 'she could bloody pay for it herself'. Wanker! As he lives abroad, he knows that I can't afford to chase him up for the money he should be paying her.

DD2, who he thought was the most wonderful person ever and showered with money and gifts the whole time, has just had a baby. XH has not sent flowers or a card or a gift. I'm sadly not surprised - he doesn't bother with his other 3 DGDs. I doubt if he could reliably tell you their names and certainly would have less than no idea about their birthdays.

'D'B has 2 children. He was utterly besotted with his DD, yet when his DW left him 6 months after DS was born, he saw the DC only once and complained that DS (7 months old at the time) had cried a lot. He has not seen them since and DS is 10 now. 'D'B married an American, moved there and is playing lovely step-father to new wife's teenaged son. I am not in contact with him (but stalk on FB regularly) and am utterly disgusted with both him and XH.

I was going to write a whole long back story but decided against it the short story is that my ex hasn't seen the 3DC for 9 years. He blames me for everything as he is too much of a spineless idiot who blames everyone else for his own inadequacies and take responsibility for his actions.

I also suspect that his new wife has a lot to do with him having nothing to do with them. Her children call him dad now so why would
He need his own children?

Bitter?? Absolutely.

This will be an unpopular view but I put some of the blame on the parents of the deadbeat.

My exh left and messed my son about and his mother who was a single parent stood by him and made excuses after excuses after the terrible things he did.
I always felt if she had told him he was being a dick and not back him and gave him a bit of tough love he wouldn't be the selfish deadbeat he is today.

As he knows he can get away with anything without having someone to sit him down and tell him it's unacceptable he does as he pleases.

I'd be astonished if biology did not play some part in the gender difference.

Yes, of course many of the deadbeats have had rubbish parenting themselves. My father's mother died when he was small, and his dad was a violent alcoholic. My grandfather was a child refugee, separated from his parents.

I think part of the reason some men abandon their own children in favour of those of a new partner is because they get lots of back-patting for "taking on" (I hate that phrase) another man's child. They don't even have to even do any of the actual parenting. Living in the same house is apparently enough.

When my mother got together with her dp, she thought he was wonderful because he was willing to live with her and her children. It didn't bother her in the slightest that he never saw or paid anything towards his own children, even after they contacted him and asked to meet him.

My father moved back to his own country after their divorce and we never saw him again.

They live with women for sex and laundry.
The kids are an optional/annoying/unavoidable extra that women sometimes foist on them and can be disposed of to move to the next sex and laundry relationship.

The less time you spend with your kids the less of a bond you have with them. That's the sad truth.

Bollocks Millions and as a wohm of two, I find that quite offensive actually. Don't you insinuate that me and millions of others who don't spend 24/7 with our children have less of a bond. It's total tripe and there are a million studies to back me up.

Whoa middlings, spectacular misinterpretation there. I'm a wohm too so no implied criticism intended. No mention of SAHP or 24/7 care or anything else you seem to have taken offence at.

All I was trying to say is if there isn't much of a bond to begin with (for whatever reason) then its probably not such a wrench to walk away.

There's a difference between having less time to spend with your kids but still being a good parent. As opposed to having the time but just not being bothered.

Thanks for clarifying, but your second paragraph did reference working long hours so I'm not sure my interpretation was madly unjustified.

Your response makes it much clearer.

Really sad tales on this thread.

The less time you spend with your kids the less of a bond you have with them

In my personal experience I found/find that to be untrue.
When I was about 5 my Da took on a job that meant I only saw him for maybe 10 minutes one two evenings a week and a few hours on the weekend. Previously he worked 9-5 Mon-Fri

For my 2 younger siblings (God knows where they came from) that was the norm until they were at least 6 & 8.

But because he was a good Dad he made sure he knew what was happening in our lives, in school, how swimming was going, what we wanted for Christmas.

We all had a very close bond until he died a few years ago.

I don't know what the answer is, I do think that society general acceptance of men walking away is a bad thing. Personally I could & would never have anything to do with a man or woman who did this, and have actively ended a friendship with someone over this point.

We knew them as part of the social side of one of OH's hobbies for a wee while, got on well, started doing dinner nights out just the 4 of us. Then one night it came out that he had 2 children, who lived with their Mum in his home town. He had moved 4 hours away to move in with ex-Friend. He'd arrived in a hell of a mood and she explained it was because his Ex-wife had 'set' the CSA on him. But they didn't see what he should pay as she wasn't letting them see the children.

She was so oblivious she told us her version of the story; when he first moved well clearly he couldn't be expected to pay the privately agreed amount, moving costs etc. And then expecting him to travel up and down every 2nd weekend was ridiculous. And ExW was being difficult, they made the reasonable suggestion that she put them on a direct train to them, she refused saying she'd happily escort them half way but he'd have to be there for her to hand them over, which according to her was just a waste of his time really. So if they can't see them, why should he pay for them.

The kids were 7 & 5............................................................

(At this point he'd not bothered to see them or pay any support for a year)

I walked out while OH sat gaping (drink had been taken and I knew I couldn't trust myself)

We had a tense conversation a day or two later, she still couldn't see what was wrong in his & her attitude, and now 2 years later can't see why we don't want to be 'friends'.

We're the only ones of the group that have expressed any condemnation, all of the rest of them see it as 'normal'

She's due soon, maybe it will click in then, I just hope she doesn't find out the hard way.

I not saying that their biological make up excuses the behaviour of these men in any way, just trying to reason why they might find it easier to walk away than women do. Basically they are just selfish.

My father left when I was 6. I did not see him from the ages of about 7 until I was 38. No maintenance paid even though he got a payout shortly after leaving which would be the equivalent of £200k in today's money.

I found out when I met him that he had brought up his new wife's DCs, his stepchildren, as his own (he remarried 2 years after parents divorced).

I am still utterly shocked that someone could dump their own DC and bring up someone else's. He regaled me with the fact that he was a 'hands on' dad with me, changing nappies and taking me out. Well, how the hell could he cut and run the?

Still cannot reconcile myself to the fact that I am the blood of the worthless scumbag!

I never understand how men can leave a family can then go on to raise other children or a new partners DCs without a thought for what they have left behind. Such sad and unnecessary situations

This will be an unpopular view but I put some of the blame on the parents of the deadbeat.My exh left and messed my son about and his mother who was a single parent stood by him and made excuses after excuses after the terrible things he did.
I always felt if she had told him he was being a dick and not back him and gave him a bit of tough love he wouldn't be the selfish deadbeat he is today

100% agree with this

I wonder why so many parents of these "dads" think their shitty behaviour is ok and actually enable it

What about mothers who stop fathers being involved? My partner thinks he has a 3 year old son, the mother just tells my partner to fuck off each time he tries to get in contact

Definitively not just the dads, in your case it is OP of course, but the question is "how can a parent abandon his kids"?

I know 3 families around me where the kids are raised by the dad, because the mother has started a new life. One is still visiting them daily, the other 2 live in another country and see their kids once a year.

I wish we could stop blaming dad, how many fathers do you know are also been driven insane by a mum who mess up their relationship with their children?

it's sad, people are too selfish.

elf0508 then he should apply to court for access - he would absolutely get it so long as there are no safeguarding issues.

How much child support does he send each month?