Newborn baby and visiting MIL

[Sleepybeanbump]

Background- first baby due in a few weeks. Absolutely zero capable family or friends nearby and available to help so feeling v on our own compared with most people we know. But fine about it.

Parents in law live abroad (their choice- they retired to live in a hot country they have no connections with). It has caused issues in the past with them not being physically present to pull their weight eg a few years ago when grandmother in law was very ill and it all fell to me and dh, but I mention it now not because I mind they're not available to offer more support (I don't) but because where they live means that with baby we have a situation where they obviously and reasonably want to see the baby but it means dh and I end up having extended staya to deal with rather than more frequent flying visits.

So... A tolerable arrangement in my mind would be parents in law popping in for an hour or so, every few days, or a day every few weeks, or an overnight stay less often, for example, depending on how far away they lived. Or meeting up for trips out etc. But she lives far enough that the time and airfare generally means people want to stay best part of a week to justify it.

She has said she intends to fly over ASAP when baby is born and I am filled with utter horror at the idea of having to be in hostess mode for days on end. We need to broach it with her and basically say she needs to keep the visit to only 2-3 nights max at a time (even that fills me with dread, but nothing I can do about it). I know she'll argue and say she'll be no trouble, and we can just do what we want and she'll keep out of our way, but if someone is staying on your house you can't actually really behave naturally can you?

Contending with a newborn baby and a house guest is making me panic. MIL is sweet as kind but also exhausting- when we visit them she's in my face talking constantly from the minute I open the bedroom door in the morning to well past midnight and ignores all hints that anyone else might want to go to bed earlier than her.

So....we need to have the conversation with her and lay down rules. But I want an idea beforehand of whether people think I'm a selfish antisocial inhospitable so-and-so, or perfectly reasonable. How I feel is how I feel and I don't apologise for that, but it would help us to approach the conversation to know first if IABU or not!

If she does come could you spend most of your time in your bedroom propped up feeding and your baby beside you. Totally play the exhausted mum getting her to bring you regular cups of tea. Don't fall into hostess mode whatever you do. Don't get dresses but stay in dressing gown all day. She will either prove very useful and helpful or scamper back as fast as she can. I rested completely for a week or two after the birth totally dedicated to establishing feeding with the baby. The only people l wanted to see were ones who would look after me. No entertaining.

Nah Lucille, she's a fucking delight and we did it for shits and giggles .

My in laws also live abroad. Before our ds was born dh told them (mil and bil) that if they visited they would have to stay in a hotel or self catering holiday home because we would be tired and need space to ourselves for some of the day (our house is tiny). They argued a lot about why couldn't we just move out some of our furniture to make more space?, they were happy to sleep on the living room floor or wherever there was room for a mattress to be put down, etc etc. But dh was firm so they had no choice. We also had a rule that they could only come over from lunchtime onwards which they did break but dh took them out to nearby shopping places so I didn't have to deal with them until I was showered and dressed. The most important thing is to have your dh on board and you stick to whatever rules you agree beforehand.

My biggest regret was not being strict enough about what time they had to leave again (it took hours to get them out of the house, they would finally leave at 10pm and I'd be left trying to settle an overtired, overstimulated baby). I also wish I'd been a bit more assertive as I found it really hard not being able to hold/cuddle my newborn for 10 hours a day over the week they were here. With dc2 I will say come for either lunch or dinner and stay for no more than 5 hours (and don't come until 6 weeks pp!). If they outstay their welcome I would recommend just taking your baby to bed with you for a nap - they'll soon get the message.

Thanks for all the advice- glad I'm normal in feeling like this!

I don't even particularly want to play the exhausted mother in need of help card - little and often reliable permanent help would be lovely, but a week of full on in my bloody house non-stop performance 'help' would probably be more exhausting than no help at all.

Ok, b&b and set arrival and departure times each day.

My dilemma is obv I don't want to waste dh's pat leave entertaining MIL, but equally I don't want to be left to deal with her all by myself after he's gone back to work- I'm scared enough about that bit! So I'd say it's got to be at least 4-6 weeks after we get back home for me to feel up to dealing with her.

"She has said she intends to fly over ASAP when baby is born and I am filled with utter horror at the idea of having to be in hostess mode for days on end ... I know she'll argue and say she'll be no trouble, and we can just do what we want and she'll keep out of our way, but if someone is staying on your house you can't actually really behave naturally can you?"

She needs to be firmly told that ASAP and moving in to your house is simply not on. If she lived in the same town and was popping in for an hour every day after you got home, that would be fine; but she's doesn't and she's not.

If she whines argues about it, I would hope your husband (because it's he who will be having this conversation with her) points out to her that it was her choice to move so far away, and if there's a downside to that then it is for her burden and he will not allow her to make it yours.

It would be lovely if she were the type of person who supports you, takes over the kitchen and makes you food and drinks and tidies etc. so that you could concentrate on your newborn, but sadly from what you've posted I don't see her as being that type .

Tbh, and to be fair to her, I have no idea how much help she'd be. But I do know that even if she is a big practical help she'll also fecking talk at me for 14 hours straight given half a chance. Also, I'd rather just fend for myself than have to feel all self conscious while someone I barely know messes about in my house. If she wanted to bring a meal round, do my laundry, have a quick chat and cuddle and then go after 2 hours, fine, but it'll just be so full on.

Mmm I am soon to be a gran and if my ds and dil didn't tell me they had the baby I would blame myself to be honest.

However as a lovely mil who adores my dil I will always listen to her and respect totally what she wants post baby.

It's their time and their little family.

We will do anything up support them any way they want.

This is a hard one really as part of me says "Christ no. No one staying when you have a newborn". You cannot be a hostess at the same time as looking after a tiny baby. On the other hand, like you, my family were not based nearby when we had DC1 so we really had no help at all. It was fine but if my MIL had offered to stay and look after the baby while I had some sleep I would have bitten her hand off. If you don't want them though just say so. Fuck politeness when there's a little baby around I say! My advice would be to worry about only yourself, DP and DC as much as you possibly can for that little while after you've had the baby. If that means having MIL to help great, if not, also fine. No one will be offended either way - you get special dispensation as the parent of a newborn (in my family anyway).

Sleepy hunny just tell your dh to tell her no no no visit ASAP. No visit until you are all up for it.

Skype. Skype.

Sod her if she's angry.

She sounds like my mil re: constant talking/giving no space from the moment you wake!

This thread has been helpful as my situation is similar. I'd been planning to have a week of just me, DH and baby while I find my feet. My parents live a few hundred miles away and said they'd visit soon after birth. Talking to my mum on the phone the other day and she says that I must call her the second I'm in labour, day or night, and they'll head straight over. I need to tell her that isn't going to happen without hurting her feelings. I just want to spend those first days feeding, cuddling and napping with my baby, not worrying about having to entertain people or watch my brand new baby be passed around.
I feel bad because I know how excited she is but I'll never have the chance to have those early days again and I think having anyone else here will ruin it.
Yanbu.

give her options.

she comes earlyish (they are so cute when freshly minted) and stays in a band b and visits for an hour or two a day for a week.

she waits til you have breast feeding established and are a bit more settled and can stay in a hotel and visit for longer per day for say four days

or waits even longer and can stay with you for two nights..

YANBU she has to stay in a hotel. YOu need space when you have a child especially the first. Our first was also the first grandchild and there was someone there every evening. After two weeks we had had enough and told both GP's not to come that night. MIL got the arse but we didn't care. I can't relax with other people in the house and just couldn't have my own mother let alone my MIL to stay in the first few weeks