Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just be done with it and spend all my savings divorcing exH?

31 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 01/12/2015 12:55

ExH and I split over 2 years ago.

Since then he has acted pretty badly and left me with no choice but to wait until the 2 years had passed so I could divorce him.

The 2 years is now up but I have asked him several times to pay half the cost for the divorce and, despite agreeing, has not been forthcoming with any money.

I am a full time student at the moment and am only working part time, as such I'm in a difficult position financially and cannot really afford to spend £400 (or whatever it is) on the divorce papers. That should be the sum of the costs as we have no assests/child issues to dispute.

But I'm getting to the point now where I am really fed up of waiting for him to cough up the money. I feel like it will never happen if I'm waiting for him and I really don't want to be married to him anymore. If I had a million in the bank I would have divorced him yesterday!

I have about £500 left in savings (student loan) so I could just about cover it but it would not leave me much in the way of a safety net and my earnings only just cover my outgoings so not much opportunity to save up.

Wibu to just spend all my savings getting rid of this useless man who has blighted my life but potentially leave myself broke or should I be more sensible and wait until I have a better safety net or heaven forbid he actually keeps his word and give me half the cost

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/12/2015 13:02

If you are separated financially then I would just wait until you have more money before you divorce.

wasonthelist · 01/12/2015 13:04

According to the Gov website, you can get help with fees if on a low income

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

No idea if this applies to you, but hope it might help.

Bejeena · 01/12/2015 13:07

If it is a student loan then it isn't savings anyway it is money that you owe so I would wait if you have no financial burdens with him, although I know this sucks.

wasonthelist · 01/12/2015 13:09

Personally, I'd get it done ASAP, there are legal/financial risks in remaining married. This is also why I'm never doing it again.

Topseyt · 01/12/2015 13:14

Get it done. Draw a line under it all.

Don't potentially risk your future finances by remaining married. Just plough on.

oldestmumaintheworld · 01/12/2015 13:14

I do understand that you want to get the divorce over and done with so that you will have a sense of the end of the relationship. But, I think there are a number of considerations here. Firstly, you can't make him pay half of the cost of divorce unless he wants to and it doesn't sound like he wants to. He may not want the divorce, or he may not have the money. Or, he may just be being awkward. I'm sorry about that, but that's the way it is.

Secondly, you have managed to save £500 to take care of yourself whilst you are a student and that's great, so why would you want to waste it on him. Pushing for the divorce now and paying all of the cost yourself is what you'll be doing.

You have separated. He isn't part of your life any more and though it must be galling to still be legally tied to someone you no longer care for, you can't allow him to control what you do. Keep the money, spend it on completing your studies so that you make a better life for yourself without him. Put the divorce to the back of your mind and get the paperwork sorted when you can afford it. You might find as time goes by that he will want to get the divorce finalised and will come up with the money.

You owe it to yourself and your future not to get into financial difficulty for the sake of a piece of paper.

Babynamelist · 01/12/2015 13:21

We're coming up to Christmas. Could you ask appropriate people who'd normally be buying you a gift to contribute to your legal costs instead so you can look forward to the new year without having to spend most of it married? Would that help boost your fund?

redteddy · 01/12/2015 13:26

I'd make one final request for half the money - give him a deadline (asking around Christmas is a tough one though, I don't expect anyone to have 'extra' money this time of year!) - and then if he doesn't cough up, get it done yourself.

GruntledOne · 01/12/2015 13:40

I make the total £460 including the fee for applying for a decree absolute, but you might well qualify for help with the fees.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 01/12/2015 13:41

Sorry to sound a bit stupid but what financial risks are there to me if we remain married? We have no joint finances or assests.

I can't force him to pay up unfortunately, and I realise Christmas is a bad time to ask. He has a new baby due in the new year so I know thats more of a priority for him but there has always been some excuse for over 2 years so he will always find a reason not to pay.

I feel like its a control thing partially. He told me he wouldn't sign the divorce papers when I first started asking, now he knows that the money is the only thing stopping me from being able to divorce him so he refuses to give me it so I can't do it. At least thats how it works in his tiny mind. I was the one that ended the relationship so I feel like this is an extension of that, its his last opportunity to 'keep' me.

I did think of doing that Baby but I suspect people I know wouldn't be able to give me that much. Not that it wouldn't help because it definately would!

No, the £500 isnt really savings as such, I have been carefuly with my spending from the last payment so thats what I have left. My next payment is due soon so I know that if I spend this I should have enough to last me but it'll be a close call.

I have also learned that I am eligible for a larger student loan than I am currently getting but because I'm still married I can't claim it :(

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 01/12/2015 13:54

Just wait till he gets a GF, then speak to her at every opportunity, saying 'Oh please can you tell my husband......'

Worked for me! Grin

It did help that the GF had been the OW and I had no problem with pissing her off. She then nagged him to divorce me, saving me a packet!

MammaTJ · 01/12/2015 13:56

Ah, just read your last post, he already has a GF.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 01/12/2015 13:59

Yes he does, although neither of them seemed especially fussed about him divorcing me :/

I have mentioned it to her to pass on to him as mostly he refuses to talk to me.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 01/12/2015 14:04

You say you have no joint finances or assets, but if you're married everything you own us joint, isn't it? Obviously it's simpler with no kids or mortgage to deal with, but as PP says, the fees for the divorce itself can be taken into consideration in the settlement, and there may be other things, debts even. That may be what people are referring to when they say get divorced now rather than leaving it, because he may stick you with half his debts (babies are expensive) or go after you for half of anything you've got (car for instance) in future. I'd do it now and get shot of him for good.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 01/12/2015 14:12

That's where I'm a little unsure pink as neither of us own anything of value. No car, no property, no massive amounts of savings to split, no joint accounts etc. I'm not sure I'd get a 'settlement' at all when we divorce as he has no money and we aren't going to court?

Surely I can't be expected to pay half of any debts he incurrs after we separate?

OP posts:
nannybea · 01/12/2015 14:12

If you can get a larger student loan, is it not just essentially investing in getting back what you spend if you divorce him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2015 14:18

Are you legally separated? ExH and I got a Deed of Separation. just so if anything happened, we weren't tied. Also, my Dad got a POA so that if I was on a machine in a different country exH couldn't pull the plug.

Patapouf · 01/12/2015 14:26

Apply for fee remission, your divorce may end up free!

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 01/12/2015 14:27

No we haven't Terry, just separated but not 'officially' in law, although we've been living in separate counties since we spilt!

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 01/12/2015 14:27

What's that patapouf?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2015 14:34

There's plenty of people living in different countries married. I wasn't in the same country as exH for about a year when we were separated. Presumably he's still your next of kin! Get separated at least.

wasonthelist · 01/12/2015 14:36

Help with fees like I aleady mentioned.

wasonthelist · 01/12/2015 14:37

Separation is a grey area - don't muck about, get divorced.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 01/12/2015 14:44

Another stupid question, how do I ask about getting fees reduced? I couldnt find anything about it on the link posted upthread!

OP posts:
wasonthelist · 01/12/2015 14:48

www.acitylawfirm.co.uk/legal-separation-divorce