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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found DS asleep (drunk) in (running) shower this morning....

98 replies

EveryLittleThing · 01/12/2015 09:12

AIBU to be slightly more angry than concerned about this?

DS is 17 - went out last night with friends - didn't come back til early hours - don't know when as I'd given up waiting and gone to bed. He didn't answer phone or let me know (never does). This morning DD runs in to my room and tells me there is water leaking into her bedroom from the bathroom above - I run up to find him asleep\passed out in a heap with the shower running over him. Thought he was dead. He shouted at me when I managed to rouse him.

He's sleeping it off now but I don't know what to think or do - I'm not a great parent - too anxious, guilt ridden and consequently unassertive - totally lacking in any sensible parenting skills. And he knows it. I feel like bursting into his room and telling him off.

What's upsetting me is that I feel unable to have reasonable conversations with him or set reasonable boundaries because he gets aggressive and defensive and I don't know how to handle it - but it always leaves me feeling frustrated and now I know I should probably be feeling more thankful that he is not hurt\drowned but I also feel very angry. AIBU?

Lots of damage to DD's bedroom btw. Don;t have a clue how to make him understand that what he did was out of order and dangerous without him getting defensive and making me feel like a bad parent.

Please don't flame me for weak parenting - but any practical advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
Pantone363 · 01/12/2015 09:14

Phone a builder/plasterer and get a quote

Give it to DS

Sighing · 01/12/2015 09:17

Wave away his defensiveness show him the damage. Get him to find the cost of sorting it out on google. Read the riot act to him and sod the guilt. Turn all that anxiety you felt seeing him slumped in the shower into anger that he (a near adult) is so out of control he needs monitoring like a child. Rage. You'll need it. You owe no sympathy for how he behaved. None. He was idiotic.

Sighing · 01/12/2015 09:19

He wants to behave like an adult he needs to act like one. Say it a lot. He has no defense to justify such stupidity.

Readysteadyknit · 01/12/2015 09:20

I don't want to add to your stress but are you sure it is just drink? That's quite extreme to sleep in the shower and made me think of ketamine.

Other than that Flowers

Original poster
EveryLittleThing · 01/12/2015 09:22

Ready - I should add that I am also v naive - what is Ketamine - I know it's a drug but why did that come to your mind - I am frightened to Google it

OP posts:
DamnCommandments · 01/12/2015 09:24

Ketamine is used a veterinarian tranquiliser/sedative - hence the drowsiness.

FWIW I wouldn't do anything now. Noone makes sense drunk/hungover. Whatever you say, say it later.

NCISaddict · 01/12/2015 09:25

I would probably have photographed him and shared it far and wide before reading him the riot act. Also making sure he doesn't get a huge amount of sleep today.

Although like a previous poster it does seem like a little more than alcohol, could be ketamine or any number of the so called legal highs.

GrinAndTonic · 01/12/2015 09:28

I fell asleep in the shower many a time when at uni after I had completely written myself off and all I had on board was alcohol.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions that he a load of special K on board. Ketamine is not only used by vets. It is used for people too.
Id just wait until he was sober and discuss your concerns with him and make him pay the bill for repairs. If he is old enough to do the crime then he is old enough to do the time.

potoftea · 01/12/2015 09:28

Its easy for us as strangers to say get angry, tell him to pay for damage, get tough with him, but if it was possible for you to do that, you would already do so.
In your place I'd sit down now and write out exactly how you feel and how upsetting his behaviour is. Then leave him read it before you talk, that way you won't lose your temper and can get your points across.
Is there any family or friend that would sit in on your conversation and help you stay focused?
But I think you need to draw a line in the sand today as damage to your home is a step too far.

Readysteadyknit · 01/12/2015 09:28

*What is ketamine?
It’s a powerful general anaesthetic which stops you feeling pain and it’s used for operations on humans and animals. The effects don’t last long, but until they wear off, ketamine can cause a loss of feeling in the body and paralysis of the muscles. It can also lead to you experiencing a distortion of reality.

Ketamine can:

Reduce sensations in the body, giving you a floating or detached feeling as if the mind and body have been separated, with some people feeling incapable of moving. This has been linked to having a near-death experience and is sometimes called "entering the k-hole".*

It was really popular amongst the boys at DD's 6th form a few years ago Sad

Foslady · 01/12/2015 09:29

If it is legal highs do not let him fob you off that they are safe - a friend has gone to hell and back because her son is hooked, and still isn't out the other side . Don't feel bad about upsetting him, get angry that he's wrecked your home and your daughters bedroom

GrinAndTonic · 01/12/2015 09:29

Oh and as a paramedic I have picked up many a person who was so intoxicated that they had vomited, urinated and defecated on themselves. They have been so drunk that they cannot be roused with a really hard sternal rub. Alcohol is a depressant so being unconscious is not that difficult to achieve.

kali110 · 01/12/2015 09:30

Ready years ago i was able to sleep/pass out from drink anywhere.
Done in very loud clubs/pubs multiple times and i was only drinking, it doesn't have to be drugs.

Original poster
EveryLittleThing · 01/12/2015 09:31

OMG - if it's drugs then I need to find out - how do I do that? I should to talk to him gently to get him on side shouldn't I? Or he'll never tell me. But all I actually want to do just now is scream and scream at him.

OP posts:
Allconsumingshitstorm · 01/12/2015 09:31

Can I just add a contrary view? I remember doing all manner of utterly daft things at 17...The fact that he fell asleep in shower and caused damage would warrant a bill being presented, but maybe this is typical teenage stuff (caveat, mine are primary age so what do I know? Just thought maybe its just part of the vile teenage package - I can recall pulling some pretty awful stunts at times!!)

piebald · 01/12/2015 09:31

His defensiveness will possibly be to hide the guilt that he wont admit to you. Let him see how upset and frightened you were

Paintedhandprints · 01/12/2015 09:32

Well what do you want to do about it op?

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 09:34

Op you have every right to be furious with him.

However turning this into a Power struggle or fight will not work.
Wait until he sobers up.

Don't go in all guns blazing but quietly take him in a coffee. Tell him you and he need to talk properly as he's now effectively am adult and quietly tell him what you expect of him and equally what he can expect of you.

Do you have a strong male role model in his life? Doesn't have to be family could be a friend/teacher.

He got drunk at 17. That's pretty commen. He made a stupid mistake and it needs recognising and sorting but it's not the end of the earth.

I had 2 teenage boys whose dad worked abroad so totally understand your difficulties although never had to face aggression to me rather slammed doors and moods etc.

You need up work with him and treat him as an adult and gradually he will hopefully start to begin to accept responsibilities.

Original poster
EveryLittleThing · 01/12/2015 09:35

Thanks everyone - GrinandTonic - thank you, I hope it is nothing more than that - potoftea - that's a great way forward, thank you so much for suggesting that. I do have a family member in mind that I could ask. He will hate me for "telling" but at this point that is the least of my concerns.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 01/12/2015 09:37

I think even the most un-assertive parent can utilise "natural consequences" in this instance.

Some damage has been done that needs to be paid for.

So, I don't know where he gets money for things - he may well have a job, fine. It might be very difficult for an unassertive parent to get him to give you "his" money if he does.

But you can "take" from what you would have given him. Any pocket money, allowance, or spending money you usually give him can not be given until the debt is paid. A Christmas present can not be given. And if he has a job and doesn't get any allowance or anything, things you would normally pay for can be not paid for and his job money used.

So if nothing else, and you don't deal with the "why did you do it" "what's going on" type thing, you CAN apply a natural consequence of causing damage to your home by essentially cutting him off financially until the debt is paid.

He really needs to FEEL the consequences of this.

I would of course be concerned as well, but that can be dealt with separately.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2015 09:37

I would wait till he wakes up and see what he says.

I think anger is warrented and I would definitely present him with a bill so he can see the consequences - whether he has the ability to pay is another matter but he could work it off doing chores.

It could easily just be alcohol, I don think you necessarily need to be worried about drugs at this stage.

Flossyfloof · 01/12/2015 09:37

Go and check on him and make sure he has a bucket to be sick into. I have spent time in the shower in the past, when pretty drunk. In fact, I think I might be Grin and Tonic! It could just be alcohol.
He needs to pay for the damage though and you do need to find a way to make him realise that you worry.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2015 09:38

My eldest is about to turn 17 and I imagine my reaction would be to read him the riot act. He is a compliant, well behaved teen though so me being angry would work.

MrsJayy · 01/12/2015 09:38

Wait till he is up and awake and tell him he could have drowned then leave it with him dont sob dont wail and dont shout walk away do ask him how he thinks the ceiling is going to be fixed though .

MrsJayy · 01/12/2015 09:40

He was probably just pissed as a fart i wouldnt start wittering about drugs atm