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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found DS asleep (drunk) in (running) shower this morning....

98 replies

EveryLittleThing · 01/12/2015 09:12

AIBU to be slightly more angry than concerned about this?

DS is 17 - went out last night with friends - didn't come back til early hours - don't know when as I'd given up waiting and gone to bed. He didn't answer phone or let me know (never does). This morning DD runs in to my room and tells me there is water leaking into her bedroom from the bathroom above - I run up to find him asleep\passed out in a heap with the shower running over him. Thought he was dead. He shouted at me when I managed to rouse him.

He's sleeping it off now but I don't know what to think or do - I'm not a great parent - too anxious, guilt ridden and consequently unassertive - totally lacking in any sensible parenting skills. And he knows it. I feel like bursting into his room and telling him off.

What's upsetting me is that I feel unable to have reasonable conversations with him or set reasonable boundaries because he gets aggressive and defensive and I don't know how to handle it - but it always leaves me feeling frustrated and now I know I should probably be feeling more thankful that he is not hurt\drowned but I also feel very angry. AIBU?

Lots of damage to DD's bedroom btw. Don;t have a clue how to make him understand that what he did was out of order and dangerous without him getting defensive and making me feel like a bad parent.

Please don't flame me for weak parenting - but any practical advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

specialsubject · 01/12/2015 12:11

give him hell, what a filthy way to behave. Getting that pissed is not normal or a jolly teenage jape, it is disgusting.

he has control over whether he turns out like his father. Presumably that is not an example he wants to follow.

don't waste your time until he has recovered. And consequences too - sell his stuff to pay for the damage.

Mistigri · 01/12/2015 12:12

OP I'm not sure that "strong" parenting of the Mumsnet type achieves anything with wayward teens. You can't put a 17 year old on the naughty step.

I'd think more in terms of getting to understand that there is damage to be repaired - physical damage, repairs for which he will have to contribute to, and damage to trust, which he will have to rebuild.

Does he work? Where does he get the money to get falling-down-drunk? Do you routinely pay for his mobile contact, his travel, his going-out money, etc?

I must say I'd be interested to know where he was served alcohol and I might be annoyed enough to report it to the licensing body.

limitedperiodonly · 01/12/2015 12:17

Fuck me. Is there a silent dog whistle here for the Delinquent Teenager SWAT squad?

GreatFuckability · 01/12/2015 12:21

I once fell asleep in a nightclub. In Ibiza. Alcohol is a great sleeping pill.

Merguez · 01/12/2015 12:24

Seems to be loads of good advice on here - just bear in mind that if he was drunk enough to fall asleep in the shower then he may well also have a memory blackout as to what exactly happened/how he got home, etc.

Mistigri · 01/12/2015 12:27

What Merguez said ... I'd add that drunk enough to fall asleep in the shower can't be that from a level of alcohol poisoning requiring hospitalisation :-/

My children's father has had issues with alcohol and this is my worst nightmare ... Keep your chin up, there is no permanent damage and perhaps if will be a wake up call for him.

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 12:35

He's not his dad. There's no such thing as. Carbon copy.

Whatever you do don't compare him to his dad. That's so unfair.

He's 17. We were all daft and self centred at 17.

ForCh1na · 01/12/2015 12:53

Please don't let other posters normalise drinking so much you pass out at 17. It's not normal or acceptable. It's also not legal for him to be buying alcohol at his age. Time to get tough, OP, or he is going to turn into a bully who does as he pleases as the women around him are scared of him. He's still a child, he's still living under your roof and so it's time for him to accept some responsibility. Doesn't text when he goes out? No more going out. Goes out despite not being allowed? Doesn't get back in that night. Consequences OP.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/12/2015 12:57

That's why I said for his face and all his other underage drinking mates faces to be known so they cannot get served.

CherryPicking · 01/12/2015 12:58

Alcohol is a drug!It's hugely addictive and thousands of people die from it each year. OK, so it's less likely to be contaminated with god knows what than Ketamine, but I wouldn't be any less concernlled about addiction or serious illness - don't let the social acceptability of alcohol lull you into a false sense of security.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2015 12:59

Doesn't text when he goes out? No more going out. Goes out despite not being allowed? Doesn't get back in that night. Consequences OP

LOLOLOL. How naive. It would be impossible for a single woman to stop a 17 year old boy from going out if he wanted to. As for "doesn't get back in" he will just sleep round a mate's house.

hibbleddible · 01/12/2015 13:02

Sorry op, I hope I didn't upset you by asking about his father. I was just asking to see if it was possible for him to back you in terms of discipline. It's clearly not.

Do you have anyone else who can provide support to you? (Even just to speak to in real life)

P1nkP0ppy · 01/12/2015 13:02

No, it damn well isn't normal for a 17 year old (or anyone else) to drink themselves into a stupor neither is it acceptable.

If people think that's so, then presumably ending up with serious drink problems is for shoulder-shrugging too?

I wholly agree with China, buck up OP he's 17 and your responsibility.

IwishIwasinNewYork · 01/12/2015 13:04

Wow some people on here haven't got teens!!

Am lol-ing along with Soup Dragon!

OP, while I'm not minimising his stupid behaviour and the fact you definitely need to charge him for it and get tougher, it is not 'disgusting' and abnormal for teens to get absolutely bladdered.

I did it many, many times if I'm honest. And I got a good degree, good job and am now a fine upstanding and very naice middle aged woman with three sometimes fairly awfully behaved teenagers

IwishIwasinNewYork · 01/12/2015 13:06

(But no of course it's not desirable or acceptable to get blind drunk - I'm just saying it happens and it's not as pearl clutchingly shocking as some on here are making out)

Janeymoo50 · 01/12/2015 13:09

Goodness me, what's with the Special K stuff scaring the OP even more! He's 17, I am NOT excusing his behavviour but he won't be the first or last to do something drink related (my nephew burned the kitchen down cooking chips in a fryer and then fell asleep on the sofa).

He does need to take responsibility, leave him for now though, he needs to sleep it off. I think the writing things down is a great idea, it also means he gets the chance to digest what you are saying without you both venting (still time for that too naturally).

There will be a financial punishment for this, there has to be, what money do you give him (if any?), it will be the only way he learns.

DixieNormas · 01/12/2015 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2015 13:11

OP can I just add that my own ds nightmare was pretty similar to this at 17. We had almost no relationship at times and I don't class myself as ineffectual ( nor should you). I can report that now, early twenties he is a lovely young man. Really kind and helpful if still a little messy .

Hang on in there, 17 can be a crap age. Good luck with your discussion. Lots of good advice above on handling it. Get help if required.

PantsOfGold · 01/12/2015 13:41

I agree with everyone who says he should pay for the damage - every penny of it. He needs to get his head around the consequences that have come with his actions.

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 13:48

I think this thread may be go iced between those who have teenagers and those who have toddlers.

I can honestly say the only teenager I know who hasn't got drunk by 17 is my dd4 who hated the taste.

My other 3, all my friends teens, all my friends as teens (70s) uni mates etcetera. They generally fuck up and live and learn.

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 13:53

Ignore the usual mumsnet if he were my 17 year old he wouldn't be allowed out again and he would get a part time job up pay for the damage blah blah. They are probably bf a baby with visions of sugar plumbs dancing in their heads.

P1 I think the op realises he's her responsibility don't you? Helpful comments there though.

WoodHeaven · 01/12/2015 14:01

Tbh I'm not sure the issue is what happened this time. YY to make him get a quote or present him with one s X make him at least some of it

I would have more issues with him not letting the op know where he is, him not co j g back when he said he was and for him to answer to any issue with aggressivity and a that pn a regular basis

I would wait h you his mind d is much clearer. Take him to your dd's bedroom and tell him hec ha rvto lsy gif the damages. I would be VERY calm and matter of fact about it

And THEN you will have to address all the other issues...,

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/12/2015 14:15

I have a 13 year old who doesn't even leave the house alone at this point, so I accept that I have little to add. However, I do have a question. When I was 17 I still had to obey my parent's (strict) rules. Why is forbidding him from going out a joke?

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 14:23

Your 13 year old doesn't leave the house alone? Really? Why?

And you can't have strict rigid rules for older teens. They need up start making choices and decisions for themselves not been told what to do
Do by parents.

They surely need guidance and mentoring and parenting but you can't treat a virtual adult as a child.

alltouchedout · 01/12/2015 14:31

What's with the diagnosis of drug use? Of course you can be that drunk. I've been that drunk. It happens. (And no, I'm not a destitute alcoholic now).

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