Found DS asleep (drunk) in (running) shower this morning....

[EveryLittleThing]

AIBU to be slightly more angry than concerned about this?

DS is 17 - went out last night with friends - didn't come back til early hours - don't know when as I'd given up waiting and gone to bed. He didn't answer phone or let me know (never does). This morning DD runs in to my room and tells me there is water leaking into her bedroom from the bathroom above - I run up to find him asleep\passed out in a heap with the shower running over him. Thought he was dead. He shouted at me when I managed to rouse him.

He's sleeping it off now but I don't know what to think or do - I'm not a great parent - too anxious, guilt ridden and consequently unassertive - totally lacking in any sensible parenting skills. And he knows it. I feel like bursting into his room and telling him off.

What's upsetting me is that I feel unable to have reasonable conversations with him or set reasonable boundaries because he gets aggressive and defensive and I don't know how to handle it - but it always leaves me feeling frustrated and now I know I should probably be feeling more thankful that he is not hurt\drowned but I also feel very angry. AIBU?

Lots of damage to DD's bedroom btw. Don;t have a clue how to make him understand that what he did was out of order and dangerous without him getting defensive and making me feel like a bad parent.

Please don't flame me for weak parenting - but any practical advice would be welcome.

Thank you - feeling so much more positive now. I think to try and talk reasonably will be the best way forward for now. I will write something first as potoftea suggests. Hopefully he won;t rip it to shreds. Will give it to him with a coffee. Perhaps tomorrow a coffee and the bill .

The only time I raged at my children were when they became more drunk than was acceptable. As I don't usually rage, this brought them up short.

It was controlled rage (this is important) and I basically made them feel as if they were one step away from living on the street and a life of being a loser. No 17 year old wants to be a loser. I made them feel very ashamed and grounded them.

I said what I wanted to say, talked over them if they tried to defend themselves, said there was no defence this was extremely unacecptable behaviour and that they had lost the right to defend themselves. There were no extenuating circumstances etc etc.

Their Dad was an alcoholic, I was so determined that none the DC were going to follow that path.

OP - just frighten the life out of him. This is your OPPORTUNITY to assert yourself and be the best parent.

I find stating the obvious worked best with my dds it helped with personal responsibility iyswim you did x and y could happen.

I think I would go with a similar approach to others. Just say to him if you are old enough to get yourself blind drunk and cause damage then you are old enough to sort out the problems you have caused. How are you going to sort the ceiling?

Then wait, let him huff and puff and roll his eyes. Don't say anything. If he argues back just repeat if you are old enough to go out and drink; you are old enough to sort out the mess.

Agree with chaz. You must be very calm, but firm and don't talk fluffy stuff, just make a comment, that this is unacceptable, and ask what he intends to do about it.

I'd want to go nuts but I wouldn't. I'd let him sleep it off and then have a kind chat about safety, responsible drinking, consideration etc etc. Try to agree some ground rules and consequences for breaking them. See if you can get him to suggest some ground rules.

I don't know exactly how old he is but if he has a few months to go before his 18th birthday I would be threatening that you will be taking his picture to every establishment where he and his underage friends might be buying drinks from and telling them not to serve them as they are underage if he comes in drunk again.

I might be a bit old fashioned but do not agree with all of this underage drinking which other parents seem to think is perfectly acceptable nowadays.

Definitely agree he should be paying for the damage.

I agree with others that I would leave him for the moment to recover, as any discussions now would not be productive.

When he has recovered I would have a serious discussion with him. If he is at all reasonable, you try to explore how you feel, what consequences there should be, and how he will act in the future.

Get a few quotes for the damage and present them to him. He needs to either work or do chores to pay it off.

Is his father around?

Agree with GinandTonic - I have seen hundreds & hundreds of A&E patients as drunk as this. You should talk to him about ketamine at some point, because it is a common street drug. But I wouldn't do it now because - if it was 'just' booze and you bring drugs into it - it will allow him to side-track the conversation.

It doesn't actually matter whether it was a legal or illegal drug. If he was this intoxicated, he was at risk. He could easily have drowned.

I know two people who have fallen asleep in the shower drunk!

If you hadn't wondered about drugs before don't start questioning about K now, it won't go down well and will exasperate the situation.

As others have said be calm but firm. If he's old enough to get himself in that kind mess he's old enough to deal with the consequences!

That really, really does sound like drugs to me. And I'm saying this from a point of view of having a LOT of experience around this. The whole change in attitude, the moodiness and aggressiveness.

I don't really think falling down drunk in a shower sounds very plausible. But being either on drugs/coming down and wanting the feeling of a shower but sitting down and dozing off sounds much more likely. The shouting when you woke him up also sounds more like drugs. Drunk people tend to be drowsy and woozy when woken. If someone on a comedown is woken after a night with no sleep wired up shouting and aggression is much more likely.

Where does he get the money from for drink? That, for a start, can go towards paying for the damage.
Pity you didn't turn the water to cold, that would have woken him up pdq.
You need to be assertive with him and establish some boundaries or he'll just walk all over you. Being pissed under age is a starter, certainly I'd be informing the pubs he frequents and any stores if he's buying it.

I think you need to prepare what you want to say.

(1) What is your objective? Do you want him to pay for the damage? Never do it again? Apologise? etc. Prepare what you want him to say or do, what you expect from your conversation with him.

(2) Put together what you need to achieve your objective (evidence, arguments, etc. - for example, the damage he has done, how much it will cost to repair, how long he was out cold etc.)

(3) Then think of how you feel about telling him your objective, in this context. Are you nervous? Angry? Disappointed? Sad? What makes you feel this way?

Write all this down then when you have the conversation change the order.

So start with (3) - your state of mind, then (2) what you did to prepare the conversation + a summary of the events then (1) - your objective

Say your little "speech" and then say "what do you think?"

So for example, your (1) could be, "my objective is that you pay for the damage you have done. What do you think?" and wait for him to talk. Let him find the solutions.

Or you (1) could be, "what must I say/do so that you never get in this state again? what do you think?"

and you need to listen.

Op anyone right a teenage boy has been in similar circs. Most get sense eventually. It's fairly normal.

As to drugs I have been that drunk
And teenagers are moody. Obviously ask him and consider it but don't jump to conclusions.

As an A&E nurse seen loads that drunk.

Thank you everyone - I am going to put my thoughts down on paper - thank you Speederman for suggesting a structure - that will be v useful. I am divorced - Ex was egotistical, passive aggressive, psychologically abusive and drank too much. DS looking like a carbon copy. It reminds me of the past and I struggle to deal with it. We have no communication with ex. Whatsoever.

So he has missed a day of school/college/work too ?

I would wait until this evening to talk about things.

He won't be thinking straight for many hours- hangovers get worse for me as the day progresses.

Is it unusual for him to go out drinking? Could have just been first time error in judging how much he can handle.

He does need to rectify the damage - that goes without saying though.

Good luck OP. I have a 17 yo DS too.

Keep it simple too. Don't go off ranting at him. Keep your sentences short and to the point.

Ask him open-ended questions and don't deny his feelings.

So, if he says "you're always nagging at me". Don't jump in and deny it, but ask "what makes you say that?"

Tell him how you feel when he talks. Eg. "when I hear you say xxx I feel sad/angry/whatever". DON'T say "you make me feel", but "I feel"

Say what you want and what you need.

Don't say what you don't want, say what you do. So don't say "I don't want you to get so drunk again", say "I want you to drink less"

Don't say "your drinking is bad" say "I don't like you drinking so much you pass out and flood your sister's room" (for example)

Ask him where do you (together) go from here? And if it becomes a standoff, ask him what you (together) can do. Get him to suggest solutions, don't put solutions into his mouth.

Good luck. I think the summary of my advice would be prepare your conversation (objective) and keep your sentences as simple and short as possible. Listen to him. Take notes of what he says if necessary so you can refer back to them whilst speaking e.g. if he lists loads of complaints you could list them and then address each one in turn.

Oh and if your argument just goes round and round in circles, don't be afraid to cut it off and say "we've been going round in circles for 10 minutes, I don't think we're going to find a compromise/solution. So what should we do?"

Is he in school or working?
What access to funds has he if any?

Bill for the damage, needs to be worked off in some way either with a small ton of household work or in cold hard cash.

Front door will be double locked by midnight if you haven't heard from him by then, you will assume he is staying elsewhere.

Your obligation to house him is not an open ended one. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to behave like one and take financial responsibility for his actions.

Getting into that state. He may well move in a group where it's normal to get rat faced and its funny. You'll be talking to a brick wall. I wouldn't be leaving him to sleep it off at all but I can appreciate that physically dragging a drunken 17 yr old from his bed and sending him to work/school may be beyond your capabilities.

Finally, it's technically alcohol poisoning. Unless he wants you to call an ambulance and have his stomach pumped then he needs to drink more responsibly.
www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/effects-on-the-body/alcohol-poisoning

He may well get cross if you 'tell', but then he won't do it again, will he?

I am divorced - Ex was egotistical, passive aggressive, psychologically abusive and drank too much. DS looking like a carbon copy

It is completely understandable for you to have this fear, but try to avoid bringing this into the conversation with DS. It will be counter-productive for him to think you have labelled him as 'being just like his father' and there is a risk of him adopting the role he thinks you have assigned him. And absolutely everyone is egotistical at 17!

Neither will his underaged mates.

You really need to work on not letting his aggression etc 'tip you back' into believing you are dealing with your XP. I know how hard that is. I grew up with violence and find it very hard to deal with my son's ASD tempers and melt downs because it triggers a very real 'fight or flight' reaction in me, and because I'm still (only just) bigger than him I can 'fight'* in the heat of the moment. That doesn't help. Neither does flight though, or saying 'you're just like your dad.'

Once this incident is over, I think it would be helpful to do some work or get some help on that. I am.

(*I don't physically 'fight' him, just wanted to be clear. But I will shout or inflame the situation by wanting to shut it down/exert control)

Let him sleep, take in a coffee (and sick bucket as otherssuggested). If you are not a ranty, shouty person, you don't need to be.

Tell him that he's upset you. You are disappointed, he scared the living daylights out of you when you saw him slumped in the shower. Not something a mum wants to see. All because of his silliness.

If he gets angry, tell him you thought he was a grown up, clearly he wants to do grown up things, so he needs to behave like one, have some respect and speak to you properly.

Has he missed college/work? Again more disappointment if so.

Say you get he's young, wants to drink with his mates etc, but if he wants to do it and be grown up, he has to act like one and be responsible. That means not getting so plastered that he could have drowned in the shower. He also needs to apologise for frightening you, damaging his sisters room and needs to pay for the damage, not sure where he gets his beer £ from, but if he has £ for that, then he has £ to pay for or at least contribute to the repairs, some of which he might do himself e.g. painting.

IME its best to get it out in the open. DF used to do the silent treatment which was just horrible for everyone in the household and never solved anything.

Don't mention drugs, you have no idea if it was/wasn't. It will get his back up if you accuse him of taking stuff. Don't mention his father either.

And if you don't get the result you want, do as Speederman says, adjournments are really powerful when used well. Make your points, give him time to think about how he is going to resolve it, then come back to agree. If he's been so plastered, he'll likely still be feeling rough and will want to come to a resolution quickly.

Alcohol can do this so I'd ignore the people wailing about drugs. And even if if is Ketamine, you'll have to deal with it.

Are you insured? If so, put in a claim straight away and say the shower was left running - which it was. Do not mention drugs or alcohol at all.

You mention that your ex had alcohol problems. I recognise your fear but your son is not his dad.

He may just be a stupid 17 year old boy who needs a talking to and possibly being given the bill or part of it when he's sober and you're both rational.