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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found DS asleep (drunk) in (running) shower this morning....

98 replies

EveryLittleThing · 01/12/2015 09:12

AIBU to be slightly more angry than concerned about this?

DS is 17 - went out last night with friends - didn't come back til early hours - don't know when as I'd given up waiting and gone to bed. He didn't answer phone or let me know (never does). This morning DD runs in to my room and tells me there is water leaking into her bedroom from the bathroom above - I run up to find him asleep\passed out in a heap with the shower running over him. Thought he was dead. He shouted at me when I managed to rouse him.

He's sleeping it off now but I don't know what to think or do - I'm not a great parent - too anxious, guilt ridden and consequently unassertive - totally lacking in any sensible parenting skills. And he knows it. I feel like bursting into his room and telling him off.

What's upsetting me is that I feel unable to have reasonable conversations with him or set reasonable boundaries because he gets aggressive and defensive and I don't know how to handle it - but it always leaves me feeling frustrated and now I know I should probably be feeling more thankful that he is not hurt\drowned but I also feel very angry. AIBU?

Lots of damage to DD's bedroom btw. Don;t have a clue how to make him understand that what he did was out of order and dangerous without him getting defensive and making me feel like a bad parent.

Please don't flame me for weak parenting - but any practical advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/12/2015 14:37

I think some parents do give mixed messages. Dd was at one her friends who had poured herself a glass of wine. Dd had declined wine and was drinking juice. Her friends mother came in and told her friend off for drinking. Dd pointed out the references on the kitchen wall stating "Its wine o clock" or "when all else fails, pour yourself a glass" or things like that around the place. Friends mum was not happy with dd.

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/12/2015 14:45

Your 13 year old doesn't leave the house alone? Really? Why?

Trust me, not my idea. He doesn't want to, and I generally don't push it. I normally will insist that he make his own way back from friend's houses during the daytime and I send him to the corner shop, but that's it.

My point was that when I was 17 my parents pretty much had to know where I was, and I was absolutely not allowed to drink. Didn't stop me, but it definitely impinged upon my opportunities.

ipsos · 01/12/2015 14:45

I had a housemate who had this happen after one glass of white wine. She drank the one glass and went home entirely sober. The next morning she got up, walked into the en suite shower and passed out on the floor. She tried drinking white wine one more time, but exactly the same happened, so she gave up drinking altogether. I have another lovely friend from France who is a big solidly built bloke and who can't drink alcohol at all for the same reason. It just knocks him right over.

I just wanted to mention in case your son is actually just learning the hard way that alcohol disagrees with him.

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/12/2015 14:46

Dd pointed out the references on the kitchen wall stating "Its wine o clock" or "when all else fails, pour yourself a glass" or things like that around the place.

Ugh, I hate this tired humour. I love enjoy wine but I hate the trend towards discussing your hangover at the school gates. Not great for kids and not clever either.

ButtonMoon88 · 01/12/2015 15:07

I just want to add that you are not alone in this, a lot of parents with older children have experienced this at some point. My mom suffered terribly with my brother (and still does every now and then).

I second the writing everything down so you can clear your head. I also think asking him to ring a few builders and getting a quote is also a good idea.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that this is drugs, when you drink enough alcohol you can easily become unconscious.

Is there a deeper worry for you? Has he experienced something recently to make him want to go on a bender or is this just a 17yr old lad behaving like one?

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 15:08

Ah got you sarah 😄

SoupDragon · 01/12/2015 15:40

Why is forbidding him from going out a joke?

Well, DS1 is nearly 6ft 2" and a rugby player so if he decided to go out, I couldn't stop him. Forbidding him would be pointless because there is nothing I could do to stop him bar locking him in his bedroom. As it happens, he is a well behaved, fairly biddable teen and would most likely stay in if I told him to and gave my reasons.

MrsJayy · 01/12/2015 15:44

Meant to say earlier ive been that drunk that ive blacked out it can happen

Obs2015 · 01/12/2015 16:01

Good god, no one is saying this is ideal, but one poster suggests he's one step away from being alcohol poisoned, and the next suggests he's one step away from being s bulky and treating women with a lack of respect.

Thank goodness for at least one poster, with a bit of common sense saying she drank, but is now 'naice'.
I too got absolutely bladdered at uni, a few times, and once slept in a bath, at a party.
But I'm not an alcoholic. I'm semi- naice.
Get a grip.

Obs2015 · 01/12/2015 16:03

Being a bully.

kali110 · 01/12/2015 16:54

At 17 i still obeyed my parents till i were 18 but then i was allowed to the pub aslong as i was with my bf.
If i came home to drunk i was not allowed out for a while.
I can see it wouldn't work for op though.
Think your problem is more how your aon is speaking/treating you right now.

As for passing out from drinking turning you into an alcoholic, it really doesn't for everybody.
If i have to much to drink i never remember anything.
I know people who can't drink wine or who can't drink spirits as it messes them up.

kali110 · 01/12/2015 17:00

I certainly haven't turned into an alcoholic.
I did do stupid things as a teenager when drunk though and managed to fall asleep in many places.
Yes what her son has done isn't right and he needs to face the consequences, but it doesn't mean he is on drugs or that ( even though alcoholism can run in families, there are many causes too) he will turn into an alcoholic himself.

Senpai · 01/12/2015 18:25

Natural consequences would work fine with this. He did some damage, now he has to fix it, just like an adult would have to.

Make him rent the steamer to clean up the carpet and fix whatever damage is done on the floors.

myusernamewastaken · 01/12/2015 18:56

My 17 year old son who is normally fairly sensible was found asleep on the pavement in the early hours the other weekend in freezing conditions.....somebody called an ambulance and he was warmed up and given coffee but the paramedic said another hour outside and he wouldnt have woken up.....i think and hope it has been a lesson learnt x

Unreasonablebetty · 01/12/2015 19:02

I've only read the first page, this sounds awful. This sounds like he got himself in quite a dangerous situation.
This needs to not ever happen again, but seventeen year olds do stupid things.
Is his dad on the scene to give him a bollocking?

kungpopanda · 02/12/2015 03:54

So much borrowed and/ or imagined drama on this thread - Ketamine or whatever, alcohol allergy, alcoholic tendencies (inherited) and so on. Not sure anyone mentioned possible peanut allergy if those were available at the hostelry but - OP, seriously[not], have you considered that?
Shocked:
Your 17-year-old son got drunk. He is so incompetent at getting drunk and sobering up (for this you might feel thankful or not, but the main point is, HE IS RUBBISH AT IT) that he has caused damage to your house. It doesn't sound as if he is an habitual drinker. Most 17-y-os get drunk once or twice.

If I were you I would be working on the pointing and laughing at his totally non-existent party animal credentials and asking what he plans to do to make good the damage. Or, since that is probably not in his gift, what stategies he might have in mind to buy off the 'making good the damage and being sorry to sister for trashing her room through dampness plus letting parents down by being, oh, hang on a minute, such a rubbish and incompetent drinker/drunk'.

Kick his arse - figuratively if you insist - for the damage to the house. Other than that, leave it be. It's normal.

Damselindestress · 02/12/2015 08:43

Hopefully this is a one-off mistake rather than part of a pattern of behaviour. I would charge him for the damage so he gets the message it's unacceptable.

NerrSnerr · 02/12/2015 08:54

My husband once ended up passed out in his halls of residence car park in December in the rain. I think the porter managed to get him in (does anyone remember Vodbull student nights). He just got very drunk, no drugs involved and he is now a successful adult. I think I always made it to a bed in those days but I got incredibly drunk many times.

15 years later we are both absolutely fine, no lasting damage and we still enjoy a drink (and the chance to get drunk would be great but a small person makes that difficult now!)

sparkofnaturesfire · 02/12/2015 09:23

Every time one of these threads appear, someone always mentions that it's probably drugs too How the hell can anyone know that from the OPs description?? As many PPs have stated, alcohol can have the effect described by the OP.

Tbh, what you've described sounds pretty common behaviour for teenagers. I'm not condoning it but it's no great surprise. Shocking when it happens, no doubt, wondering how the hell your DC could be so stupid.

Teenagers are not always known for their rationale behaviour and thinking through action and consequence. Additionally, they don't know their alcohol limits christ, I still don't

However, he needs to be made aware that there are consequences to his actions and that if he wants to partake in adult activities such as drinking then he needs to also take responsibility for anything that happens as a result of that. Namely sorting out the damage caused to your house by organising and paying for it. And if that means missing out on nights out etc or forgoing Christmas presents if you need to help with the costs then so be it. Welcome to adulthood and all that entails.

By all means help him with fixing the damage i.e. directing him to who he should call/getting quotes etc.

If he refuses then stronger action will be required. You know your son best, you will need to deal with this though. It's your job as a parent to outline that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he must take responsibility for it. It doesn't have to be a stand off. If you think a letter will work best then fine, you can outline your points rationally in that.

Give him the opportunity to be the adult he obviously thinks he is.

SarahSavesTheDay · 02/12/2015 10:33

Every time one of these threads appear, someone always mentions that it's probably drugs too hmm How the hell can anyone know that from the OPs description?? As many PPs have stated, alcohol can have the effect described by the OP.

I think possibly the opinions are divided by those who think it's fairly normal to pass out in your bed after a night of drinking, but strange to pass out in the morning while showering. I think the distinction between whether it's drugs or alcohol is a false one, because they're all troubling in this context.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 13:22

I think possibly the opinions are divided by those who think it's fairly normal to pass out in your bed after a night of drinking, but strange to pass out in the morning while showering.

Where does it say he passed out in the morning (after sleeping) rather than in the early hours of the morning at when he got home?

Roomba · 02/12/2015 14:11

My ex had a drink problem (he didn't drink daily but would go on a massive binge once a month or so, often disappeared for a few days then was out of action recovering for a few days). He would often come home in the middle of the night, get into the bath or shower, and pass out/fall asleep. He never touched drugs.

It terrified me, as he was at risk of drowning - he scoffed at this as he said he was too tall to slip under the water! It also caused massive damage to my kitchen when it overflowed and I had water pouring in from the ceiling. He paid for that to be fixed. The bathroom developed a massive mould problem from all the condensation too. If I was lucky he would actually wake up and then collapse into bed with me, still wet through.

My gas bill was enormous from all the hot water he bloody used!

Read your DS the riot act, but also point out how dangerous what he did was, and that he needs to pay for the damage caused. I'm terrified my DSs will react to alcohol like their father does - if they did this I would be beside myself because of this fear most of all.

WoodHeaven · 02/12/2015 14:55

Thectealitybis that sk e teenagers/young adults then stop drinking sltogether and be one naice people. But for some teenagers it's the first step to become alcoholic, or to think that being hammered every other weekend is 'normal' and not an issue. Some teenagers develop addictive behaviours at that age when they start experimenting with alcohol.

So yes whilst it can be part of normal growing up, it should also be taken seriously IMO.

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