To be sick of this 'rough and tumble'

[midlifehope]

Need some advice on rough housing / rough and tumble. My dp and 4 year old engage in it most nights. Often, Ds initiates it but I think it's his ritualised way of getting affection, attention from his dad. It feels stressful and a bit out of control and invariably ends in my 4 year old son crying as he's bumped himself, or him running to me and saying 'daddy tried to hurt me', which sounds awful to me. When I try to tell them to be careful or stop fighting, dp tells me I'm being a manager and shuts the door of the room they're playing in in my face. I'm so sick of it. I feel like my family is broken. I feel like walking away sometimes.

FFS mumsnet is so weird sometimes.

OP your child isn't seriously getting hurt because as you say, he wants to play. Starts shrieking and laughing then says he is hurt.

Most kids at some point start yelling they are hurt, even when they aren't. Ds always tries it for s bit of sympathy before throwing himself into the fray again.

We all rough house in this house. I have a ds and dd. Ds is harder because he doesn't hold back.

And in fact we all participate in martial arts and often spend time fighting each other.

The shutting the door in your face, may be a problem. But it's difficult for anyone to judge.

If you are micro managing your DPs time with ds, I can see why he would.

If he is a controlling dick in general, then it's an extension of that and not ok.

It's normal to play rough. I have three boys and it's incredibly hard to judge where the tears will start. That's why they do it - to learn the edge. Think of lion cubs playing

It's your DP's job to be the judge and stop before anyone gets hurt. It's his responsibility to teach your DS how to play and not hurt. This does actually take years though.

Maybe talk about his responsibility as that judge - so not 'please don't do it' but ' please show me you know when to stop'

It seems to me that it's a difficult thing to judge without knowing the people involved and the situations.

Many pps make a good point that he could be abusive, and, op, you'll have to judge the situation.

Could you join them so that you see what is going wrong?
But your ds could simply get tired of rough play and seek cuddles. What better way than to complain about being hurt?
If that's the case, it shouldn't be mum for cuddles and dad for fights.
I'd join in with some rough play and show by example how it can lead to cuddles too.
Alternatively, insist that DH sorts out and apologises for hurting DS.
Then you can all have a nice cuddle.

That's not what I said Agent. I think the op has been given helpful advice. People have also shared their personal experience and I thought people might find that link interesting.

I thought that link was very interesting theshitestuff. I think it is very important for children (especially boys) to have a bit of rough and tumble because it's then that they learn the boundaries. As someone else said about the lion cubs 'play fighting' - they are practicing how strong they are/how far they can go.

As a family we are very into rough and tumble playing, although DH and I have had to stop practicing our martial arts together (both black belts) because the little one cries even though we're smiling and laughing.

In fact, it tends to be DH, DS1 (4 years) and DS2 (18 months) wrestling together. I sometimes join in but DS2 really takes against anyone wrestling with me (it's a phase, DS1 went through it too), so I usually just watch and referee.

We've had occasional bumps and tears but certainly not every time. Once in a while DH will accidentally hurt DS1 but he is mortified and apologises and they make up. I actually think it's a good example to set to DS1 about how to act when you've accidentally hurt someone.

When they start to get overexcited we stop and tell them to calm down. Every so often (usually when teething), DS2 starts biting and he is taken away for a time out - we are very strict with that.

It is almost always the boys that initiate the wrestling. They love it.

I can't tell if OP or her DH is being U though. If OP is micro managing how her DH interacts with his son then I can see her DH being pissed off. But if her DH really is being too rough and not controlling it and really hurting her DS then he is being U.

On the other hand, I really wish that I'd been told as a child that small bumps and scrapes (the kind that hurt for 30 seconds) really aren't the end of the world. I was far too anxious and accident-averse as a child, and it's only when I started karate when I was 23 that I realised that being hurt isn't the end of the world. Yes it hurts a bit to get a bruise, but it doesn't last. Both my DSes are much more of the "fall over, rub your knee/arm/etc. better and carry on" than I was and I like that.

Not much rough and tumble going on in my house, between dh and ds. Maybe it is because our first child dd is a girl and therefore, that was not in the culture.

My dh says he is a lover not a fighter.

I would be very concerned if playfights ended in tears for the smaller one and would put a limits on it.