To be sick of this 'rough and tumble'

[midlifehope]

Need some advice on rough housing / rough and tumble. My dp and 4 year old engage in it most nights. Often, Ds initiates it but I think it's his ritualised way of getting affection, attention from his dad. It feels stressful and a bit out of control and invariably ends in my 4 year old son crying as he's bumped himself, or him running to me and saying 'daddy tried to hurt me', which sounds awful to me. When I try to tell them to be careful or stop fighting, dp tells me I'm being a manager and shuts the door of the room they're playing in in my face. I'm so sick of it. I feel like my family is broken. I feel like walking away sometimes.

[midlifehope]

Thing is I have tried many conversations about how I feel it goes too far, and I can't get through his thick skull - hence feelin so exasperated and powerless

[Junosmum]

My brothers used to play 'smack down' (wrestling based rough and tumble) with each other and get dad to join in when they were little, and it usually ended in tears. My dad also used to tickle me until I almost wet myself and it hurt and I'd cry. But my memories of it, and my brothers memories are happy ones. I never ever felt like I was being intentionally hurt, and though I remember feeling physically mildly hurt I wasn't emotionally hurt and know I really enjoyed it.

So unless there is more to your op than you let on I think YABU

[TheoriginalLEM]

it always ends in the child crying! grip my arse!!!

The fact he closes the door in your face tells me all i need to know - he is saying, "well i can hurt your child and there is nothing you can do about it"

cunt.

[midlifehope]

Yes totally I feel it is bullying disguised as play. But why would dp bully his child when he clearly loves him??! I dunno what the fuck is going on :-/

[midlifehope]

The original - that was my conclusion too - it's a power thing designed to piss me off?

[Donge13]

The grip is needed if you are allowing a door to shut in your face and your child to then leave the room crying, why would you allow this if this is not the first time?

[AtSea1979]

Surprised how many people here play/have played rough and tumble. Never did this growing up, never done this with DC though it does seem to mainly be a dad and kid thing. Aren't these the DC that end up constantly being told off in the playground because they are playing too rough because they don't understand own body rule?

[LizKeen]

As kids we had a lot of rough play with our dad. It is one of the few fond memories I have.

DH does it with the DDs. It is always started by the DDs. They seek him out for it. But of course it mostly ends in tears when one of them hurts themselves. DD1 tried the "he hurt me" line a few times, and I told her to stop play fighting if she didn't want to get hurt but that DH wasn't hurting her when she was falling over or whatever. She hasn't said it since, but still starts the play fights.

It drives me bonkers, but that is only because of the high pitched shrieking that happens.

I think that you shouldn't be stepping in to something like this, and yes your DP shouldn't be closing the door in your face, but maybe he thinks you will be happier if you don't have to watch it.

I have to say though, my DDs can often be found lying with DH on the sofa watching TV, or he will be out in the garden with them, or reading with them...if this is the ONLY way your DS can get attention from his dad I would think that is quite sad.

[AgentZigzag]

'it's a power thing designed to piss me off?'

Is this saying that you feel he's doing it more because he's making a point to you then?

If you do then that is pretty fucking sinister when you think that it involves a 4 YO child.

[AgentZigzag]

And not just involves a 4 YO child, but involves a 4 YO child getting hurt.

[midlifehope]

I really don't know. There seem to be 2 schools of thought here on this post. One its normal. Other it's not. I'm so confused

[LizKeen]

Maybe my kids are the only kids that cry at the drop of a hat and say they hurt themselves.

IMO there's a difference between actually hurt and "kid wanting attention" hurt.

OP, if you truly believe your DP actually WANTS TO HURT your DS why the clean fuck are you still with him?

[Donge13]

Door shut in face, child hurt, crying is not normal... Play fighting , giggling ,fun , laughter is normal

[Louise43210]

My parents never did this and neither do we. We've always played flying though.

[CalleighDoodle]

Rough and tumble is fine.

Making a 4 year old cry through hurting them EVERY TIME is your partner being a twat. And maybe making the point that he is the boss.

My three year old son likes to play roughly. My 5 yr old (and me!) dont so we now have a game were we play fight but without touching. The first person to touch the other person is out. He loves doing all the moves and noises so is very happy woth the game, and my daughter isnt crying after two minutes.

[Minikievs]

The rough and tumble is normal. The fact your DS ends up in tears every time, and your DP shuts the door in your face when you intervene is not normal.

[midlifehope]

Donge13 their is lots of laughing and shrieking and screaming - then tears. Can predict it like clockwork

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

XH does this with DS. Well actually now I write that I realised that they don't do it much anymore. Honestly, I think it was happening during a period when XH was working a lot, very distracted and not giving DS enough attention and time. It was kind of a way for DS to get some attention and physical contact without having to ask. It's a bit sad to realise that actually as this was when he was about 6. They are spending more time together now and more connected and the rough housing has died down.
Also, it's to do with XH and his cultural background and ideas about gender. He grew up in a much less safe environment and boys kind of needed to be tough and able to fight. He used to see DS as a bit vulnerable and worried that he would be victimised so I think he was trying to toughen him up. DS didn't get hurt often but sometimes it would go too far and drove me crazy but DS was a willing participant although for all the reasons above.

[AgentZigzag]

Normal = rough and tumble for a smallish % of the time with the DC accidentally getting hurt occasionally.

Not normal = rough and tumble accounting for a high % of interactions, DC regularly getting hurt, adult not knowing the boundaries of when to stop/what's too rough and stonewalling the other parent trying to stop their small child's pain.

[Donge13]

Op I know it's not your thing but have you been in the room and watched ds and dh? But please op don't let someone shut a door in your face

[LizKeen]

But are the tears from actual physical pain, or from being overwhelmed?

I think rough play can be a bit like tickling, in that it can be fun in short, controlled bursts, but too much becomes very unpleasant. My DDs love being tickled, but I only ever do a few seconds and then stop, and then if they ask I will do it again and so on, so they are in control.

Maybe your DS reaches that point and is unable to vocalize it.

[Fairiesarereal]

OP, if you truly believe your DP actually WANTS TO HURT your DS why the clean fuck are you still with him?

Totally this ^^

I'd say rough and tumble is perfectly normal, and it inevitably ending in tears, perfectly normal but the fact you think your DP is using it as an excuse to bully/hurt you DS, totally NOT normal

[midlifehope]

Yes I think gender ideas are at play here. Seems to want him to be a boy 'but in very narrow parameters.

[redcaryellowcar]

Might be worth reading raising boys by Steve bidduplh. He explains the value of 'rough housing' and how dads can really help with learning through it!