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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Done to death but.... Fear of motorways...

131 replies

TheMightyMing · 29/11/2015 15:14

I have been driving since 1995 and have never had a accident other than a couple of people crashing into me at low speed. I used to drive anywhere without even thinking. However about 7 years ago I had a minor incident where I broke down on a motorway and ever since have developed a stupid fear of motorway driving and haven't been on one since.
I don't have to use motorways for work which is just as well as the ones by me are always packed- but it's becoming a real pain. My sons school and best friends live 15 minutes away by motorway but the best part of an hour by normal road.
My husband is a policeman and advanced driver and he has offered to come with me but I think it might make me worse. I am not a nervy person otherwise so I don't know why I am so scared.

Any ideas on what I can do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/11/2015 00:08

You don't need to explain yourself to Macs. The rest of us understand.

Macsmurray · 30/11/2015 00:16

Thank you Ming, in think you need to have some decimated lessons from an AIM instructor on motorway driving, it'll help no end as you'll get tuition on how to anticipate from a greater distance due to higher speeds on the motorway. Please look into it. I think you really got to the nub of it in response to my last, albeit blunt, message 😉

Macsmurray · 30/11/2015 00:17

Dedicated, not decimated!

Original poster
TheMightyMing · 30/11/2015 00:18

AnyFucker the most comforting thing on this thread is that you are a bit this way inclined! Not that I am happy you are similarly afflicted but you are my icon of good advice/voice of reason , so I feel a bit better that I am not alone :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMightyMing · 30/11/2015 00:20

Thank you Macs, that's what I plan to do. Hopefully I won't decimate anyone in the meantime ;)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/11/2015 00:20

I am fighting it, and winning (so far)

But if you could see the visuals going through my head as I drive along, you would never need to watch another horror movie

PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2015 00:22

It is really common, and the best bit is lots of people beat it. You might never love driving on motorways but as long as you can do it that's surely got to be a good thing.

Macsmurray · 30/11/2015 00:23

My apologies, Freudian slip 😁

Also please forgive my brusqueness, I was trying the "tough love" tack. You'll do great, all you need is some confidence! Get out there!!

TheCatsFlaps · 30/11/2015 00:24

Sadly, YABU. You have an irrational fear over an uncontrollable situation, although this will not help in the slightest - that much I can understand. To be honest, I've taken off wing mirrors, bumpers, smacked into another car and hit a roundabout, that's just whilst driving on a mix of A/B/unclassified roads. Every journey you undertake in any type of transport carries some risk to differing levels of degree, the problem being is that you let insignificant levels of risk disproportionately affect your thinking and behaviour to the point where you are unable to cope with it.

What is really the most likely outcome? You piss someone off and they honk their horn or flash their lights at you. You never see the person again. You break down? There are hard shoulders and lay-by's, busy roadworks areas often have free recovery. I would say that you need to stop rationalising everything down to an irreduceable "what if?" Either get off the pot or start pissing, sometimes it is hard but you just have to.

Original poster
TheMightyMing · 30/11/2015 00:43

Catsflaps none of the things you describe worry me at all. Although you describing your various 'incidents' has made me pray I never run into you on a road ;) :)

OP posts:
ForCh1na · 30/11/2015 09:16

Making decisions at speed is another scary thing for me and also I totally agree with you about the speed at which others drive. I think anyone doing over 70 on the motorway is an absolute twat but there are a LOT of them. I agree that apart from going down the counselling route mentioned, exposure must be the way forward for both of us - doing one junction early on a Sunday morning is going to be my next task. I actually went cold just typing that though lol.

Did snigger that you described two people going up my rear one when I was parked in a car park though. Grin

Ifiwasabadger · 30/11/2015 09:24

catsflaps - "What is really the most likely outcome? "

the outcomes you describe are not in the slightest bit worrying.

"you piss someone off and they honk their horn or flash their lights at you." hilarious!

I'll give you an insight: i live overseas, in country where death on the road is one of the highest causes of death. there are multiple fatal car accidents every month. I used to do a 150 km (each way journey) and witness maybe 4 crashes EACH WAY. i have seen the ambulance laying dead bodies out at the side of the road. I have also been in a horrific crash (see my previous post) where the car FLIPPED THREE TIMES.

your flippant remark is a little insensitive. clipping wing mirrors is the absolute least of my worries.

the hypnotherapist i tried also asked me: "what's the worst that can happen?" well, given that i've been pulled from the wreckage of a car and have a huge scar on my arm as a reminder, i guess, oh, death? losing a limb? nothing to worry about then!

no wonder the hypo didn't work for me.

OP - still so with you on this. i'm really glad i'm not alone....

AnyFucker · 30/11/2015 09:53

Yes, the "what are you worrying about, what is the worst that can happen" is really irritating

usually said by people with no fear of the subject or like smug ex smokers Wink

Original poster
TheMightyMing · 30/11/2015 10:01

Right ! Just spoke to a lovely man at our local institute of advanced motoring . I can do an advanced driving course including motorway tuition for £130 because there's a discount on for Xmas. And a test at the end ! I feel really positive about it, I can do this !!!! Keep you posted better stick up on the loo roll Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMightyMing · 30/11/2015 10:02

China hee hee I can see how that might have sounded !

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/11/2015 10:02

Catsflap, fear of an uncontrollable situation is not irrational.

Shakey15000 · 30/11/2015 10:03

I can definitely relate to the fear and wish you all the best.

For me, it's gone too far and I no longer drive. Because I'm a physical gibbering wreck behind the wheel and an actual danger to other drivers/pedestrians as my driving is so shit.

It's weird, I've stepped onto a stage and acted in front of hundreds of people at a time with not so much a glimmer of nerves. But put me behind the wheel of a car and that's it, I'm gone Confused

And it drives (!) me nuts when regular drivers like DH, sister and Uncle Tom Cobbly say the usual "Oh you'll be fine you just need extra lessons/more confidence/practise/just do it. I know it's more than that.

AnyFucker · 30/11/2015 10:05

Good luck, Ming. You can do it.

ValancyJane · 30/11/2015 10:07

I completely agree with the suggestion to have motorway lessons with a good instructor. After I passed my test I was very nervous about motorways but very much wanted to be able to drive on them as my family was at the other side of the country), so booked a two-hour lesson with my very calm and lovely instructor. We went all over the show on about four motorways that were all quite close together, and it was brilliantly reassuring. He taught me how to properly drive on a motorway, how to move lanes safely, how to merge (something that I remember terrified me), how you join to one motorway from another, what to do if I broke down, etc. I found it incredibly helpful and have always felt very confident on motorways since then. If you can find a really good, calm instructor (mine was one of the 'advanced driver ones' so I think he was used to taking people out on motorways) I think it might be worth exploring. Good luck!

Bunbaker · 30/11/2015 10:09

"If you don't fancy practising at night, practice very early in the morning"

At this time of year?

I leave for work at 7.45 and the M1 is South Yorkshire is nose to tail stop start driving all the way to work. Any earlier than that it is dark.

ForCh1na · 30/11/2015 10:15

Ming I'm finding you quite inspirational! It's making me think about tackling this thing again...

And yes, the 'What's the worst that could happen' thing is a crazy thing to say to anyone with any kind of anxiety. I can tell you, the gruesome and terrifying scenarios that flash through my head when I'm driving are definitely a little further up the scale than drivers honking their horns at me. :(

iwantgin · 30/11/2015 10:17

i am late to this thread- and see you have booked on to do some Advanced Motoring lessons.

That is just what I was going to suggest. My DDad (also trained as a Driving Instructor) was a regular member at the IAM meetings- and used to use me as a practice pupil for his Instructor Training (despite me already being a qualified driver since the 1980s! )

It will be very helpful to you, I think.

One thing that I did pick up on was that you drive a small car? I haven't ever been scared of motorway driving - and spent years and years with a succession of small, low powered cars. However since getting a much larger car I feel much more confident. Just being higher up and able to see more. I also like to drive DH's car if I have a long motorway journey as it is significantly more powerful than mine. I know that I can pull away from danger in a split second. (just have to keep an eye on the speedo in his).

I'm not saying you should rush out and buy a new car - as that won't help your current issues - but when you upgrade just think about it. If you do a lot of long distance driving a larger car can work out more economical - and certainly more comfortable.

Good luck with your lessons!

molyholy · 30/11/2015 10:42

I feel your pain OP. In June I was involved in an accident. Totally not my fault. White Van Man pulled out a a junction without looking both ways and smashed into my lovely car. Car was a write off and my confidence went to shit. I had some driving lessons to build my confidence, but it has totally done me. I only drive when/where I HAVE to. i.e work and school to pick dd up - about 3 miles per day.

I don't know if I will ever get my mojo back Sad But I've not had the confidence to even drive to my mums since. She lives about 15 miles away and I have to go on dual carriageways/motorway.

Original poster
TheMightyMing · 30/11/2015 10:54

Thanks everyone ! Just spoke to my husband and he's buying it me for Xmas , ah well I suppose it's more use than a handbag! I feel like it's time so sort this out. There is instruction on all aspects of driving , country roads etc etc so I think it's going to be really helpful! And much cheaper than I thought.
My son starts his lessons ( just turned 17) so I think it's a good time for me to do this.

Really appreciate the support on here and will keep you in the loop when I pass my advanced driving test Wink

OP posts:
ForCh1na · 30/11/2015 11:04

I've just accepted an invitation that I've been putting off replying to for weeks because it involves driving on unfamiliar roads. Not big ones but still... Thanks for the inspiration. :)

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