To wonder if a child needs male role models

[sunnydayinoctober]

Hello. My fiancé and I are currently in the embryonic stages of our fertility journey for IVF/ICSI which we hope to start in early 2016 - exciting

One of the things we were both asked about was how we intended to ensure any child had positive male role models if he was a boy. My fiancé replied she felt that being a positive human role model was more important than seeking out men - that the qualities she would hope a child of ours would grow up with are not exclusive to one sex or the other.

I thought her answer was a good one, so agreed (I didn't really know what to say myself!) but I wondered what anyone on here thought!

Thanks

Male. Sorry.

I have to say that I don't love the idea that the parents of boys in my DD's class at school might be teaching them "how to talk to girls".

Great. She's 7 and she's already not just a classmate, but an object to be conquered.

Fucking grim.

All these posters who claim their children were entirely raised by one gender; were your DC's entirely lacking in role models of the opposite gender? You have no friends / neighbours / adults who they would positively interact with at all?

Personally I believe the more different groups of people a child interacts with the better and therefore having male and female role models can only be a good thing, but I'm curious to know if you really live in such gender segregated environments.

Indeed no one said you would move men in and out. They said you might end up a single parent with a new partner. Bit presumptious of you to assume that partner would be male.

The main thing is kids need to see the world is diverse. They need many role models. And they need to see you, their parents can be open minded and have diverse relationships of all sorts (not just romantic) friendships, professional etc. With all sorts of people.

My FIL observed DS kicking a ball around aged 2 and said 'you can see that boy hasn't got a father, he doesn't know how to play as a team.'

LOL

Yes, women are definitely to blame for toddlers.

If men were in charge toddlers would be amazing at sharing and co-operating.

Like men

A few posters seem to be confusing male role model with male parent.

No kids do not need a male father figure.
Do they need to interact with men? Yes.
The world is half made up of men.

Congratulations, Catsize.

Melon, we didn't intentionally decide 'we will only know men' but in my experience friendships do tend to be mostly people of the same sex. I'm sure many couples are friends with many couples but while we are friends with heterosexual couples the original friendship was with the woman not the man - if they were to divorce it would be she we remained friends with.

I don't really know anyone who has male friends on their own, so to speak, but you never know what the future holds!

I think our child will interact with men throughout his or her life

Sigh...

Well said smalllegs That's the point I was trying to make, about diversity being the crucial issue. Only it look me a lot longer to make it .

Don't worry, Goalie.

I am joining you in a big heavy sigh

Where was that thread about humourless, taking it all too seriously Mumsnet ... ?

Not really no.

They just need good parents, stability and to learn to be compassionate and tolerant of others.

Most people just learn to get on with men and women through osmosis/ experience. They will see some people (male or female) are good people, some aren't etc etc.

I have to say the issue of whether my daughters have good male role models has absolutely never crossed my mind.

All these posters who claim their children were entirely raised by one gender; were your DC's entirely lacking in role models of the opposite gender? You have no friends / neighbours / adults who they would positively interact with at all?

Of course, and that's doubtless valuable, but doesn't everyone outside of a closed single-sex commune? It's enough, if that's what circs dictate, IMVHO.

I think the first post on this thread by jamtartandcustard, hits the nail straight on the head.

OP, don't worry if you and your DP don't know many males.

You child/children will as they grow up and hopefully there will be some positive role models amongst them.

I have 3 sons and they all have very positive male role models both inside but also outside of the family circle.

They're mostly teachers - class teachers/PE/Drama/Music/Karate etc...or Scout leaders.

The kids will often gravitate towards positive people themselves.

We are 2 mums. 2 of the men we wanted to be role models for our kids have turned out to be complete toss pots, which is a shame. They have uncles and grandfathers. It really doesn't seem to be making much of a difference so far, but they are both primary age.

Good luck to you and your fiancé Sunny!

in my experience friendships do tend to be mostly people of the same sex.

I'd say my friendships were pretty split between male/female. Have been since uni.

I am raising a child as a sinlge mother with minimal close male family/friends.

I signed up to the idea that he needed "positive male role models" at the beginning and 10 years later I can share with you my experiences for what it's worth:

1 - people who you think will be a great role model and will be close to your child with bugger off when they're 7 for no very obvious reason because they've had a hissy fit with someone in the fmaily you're close to. They'll ignore your child sending them Christmas cards much to their confusion (thanks Bro)
2 - people who you don't think will be a greta role model will make at least a half hearted attempt to see your child every 2/3 months but won;t be great at it and you'll have an odd twilight zone relationship with them but at least your child can trot someone out for "Bring a man to school" day
3 - rugby coaches are great and often have children a similar age
4 - it's important that your child sees you being respectful of men not doing that low level - "oh men are so crap at multitasking/cleaning/caring for children/remembering birthdays/everything" that we often descend to. Treat shop assistants and male TA's and random men generally with the same courtesy you treat the women in those roles and expect your child to be able to turn their hand to anything you can do (and more besides)
5 - learn to love standing in soggy fields in winter.

(some single parents do have a succession of partners and no, I don;t think it's good for their children if they meet them all - No scientific proof of that but I still think it)

Hope that helps.

Thanks, Hermione All the best to you, too.

Barking - that's one of the great things about life, that one persons experiences can be so different to another's.

Many thanks Kewcumber. I love a bit of rugby Sorry to hear about your brother. Mine went off the rails after our mum died - he now lives a peculiar sort of life. I give him money () and we are in regular contact but I can't pretend I think he fits the category of 'positive' in terms of role models!

Both male and female children need positive male and female role models. These role models do not have to be mum and dad - teachers, sport coaches, aunts, uncles, grandparents, step parents etc can all play an important part.

Children need a well rounded experience - gay or straight role models, it doesn't matter. Good people, who are resilient and consistent. And consistent doesn't mean always there. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that transitory role models (support workers, therapists, social workers, doctors, trainee teachers) can make a positive influence on a child's upbringing as long as they are honest and follow through on actions and give the child a clear reason for their removal (e.g. end of treatment, end of school year etc).

I have to say that I don't love the idea that the parents of boys in my DD's class at school might be teaching them "how to talk to girls".

Great. She's 7 and she's already not just a classmate, but an object to be conquered.

Some boys are occasionally trepidatious about interacting with girls. Helping them through that doesn't mean training them as predators.

I think, ideally, you would raise a child surrounded by all sorts of people (women/men/different ethnicities/people with different types of jobs or lifestyles) but there's no pressing need to represent all of these things in your immediate family.

I think if your social circle is exclusively one type of person (just women, just white people, just people from one religion) it's legitimate to question whether both you and your child may be missing out on some fantastic people who don't happen to fit this mould and maybe spend a moment reflecting on what has made your choice so narrow.

Separately, I also think that a child who has been abandoned by a parent (in this thread we're generally talking about men) will have very different issues when it comes to seeking approval from other people who may represent them in some way, than children who don't have and have never had a father at all (lesbian couples or single women by choice)

6 year old boys don't need to be taught how to approach girls in a way that requires that the teacher has experience of approaching girls as potential sexual partners.

It's fucking creepy.

Even if done in a lighthearted and jokey way.

Imagine if a man boasted that his experience of being a heterosexual man meant he was in a great position to teach his 6 year old son about how to speak to girls.

Ugh.

kewkumber sums it up perfectly (sorry, I keep coming back!) there i think. Ds had 3 God fathers when he was christened, something that was very important to me - and I hoped them. He hasn't seen 2 of them since the christening and the third in a year. People who you think are solid, actually aren't. You just can't predict these things - so, as a single parent and actually as any parent, you try and cover all bases yourself. My ex hates sports so even if we did see him more often we would have always out sourced that aspect.