A mean spirited surprise

[Barfuckinghumbug]

Right long time lurker, fully prepared to be told AIBU. Bit of long one but dont want to drip feed. DH works away mon-fri, washing machine has been playing up for a couple of weeks , this week decides to pack up completely, anyway DH comes home tonight , I have a bit if a moan about said washing machine and DH shows me a washing machine he's purchased online coming on sunday, was going to be surprise but he said I was obviously getting stressed about it so he'll tell me now. All good, please bear with me, it is relevant.

We then eat dinner had a chat as we always do on a Friday night, I asked about his work christmas party, he told me what date, it happens to be my birthday. He tells me what they're doing very mater of factly like its any other day, so I plaster on a fake smile thinking i'll be alone on my birthday evening ( no family near by and i'm alone during the week so can't go out with friends) please don't get me wrong if he wasn't able to come home early that's one of those things, i'm well aware he works away and may not be able to get the day off, but he seemed quite blasé about it, like oh well never mind just another day, then he walks out of the kitchen asking if I'd like to come and sit down, I don't, so say i need to tidy up, he then comes back into the kitchen , ask me if I'm okay and do i have the hump, i then say its upsetting as I'll be alone on my birthday, when last year he came home for my birthday and made a point of telling me he'd never let me spend my birthday evening alone so clearly the same didn't apply this year.

Anyhow I now come to my AIBU point, he then tells me I've ruined the surprise and I also ruined the washing machine surprise, he's not going to the christmas party he is coming home on my birthday but me"moaning" has meant he's had to tell me . I think both are shit surprises, why is letting me think I'm going to the launderette next week better than don't worry, new machine coming Sunday and why on earth is letting someone think they will be alone on their birthday evening worth the eventual surprise of taa- daa i'm hereon the night.

So AIBU, we are now not speaking.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

He was going to pretend he wasn't going to be there, and then he would be there? Bullshit, he was testing the water as to whether he could go out on your birthday.

As for the washing machine, I'm gonna assume his clothes get washed in it too? Hardly a grand gesture for which you should be grateful.

[DoreenLethal]

So he lies, you get annoyed and then he blames you for having to tell you the truth?

He is one fucked up twat.

[Bettercallsaul1]

This is extremely manipulative behaviour - not pleasant at all.

[Barfuckinghumbug]

LSP yeah I wondered that too but he doesn't have form for that in the 16 years we've been together.

I'm just not wired like he is, I wouldnt surprise if it caused upset before hand, I don't get that.

[lorelei9]

Really shit surprises, beyond shit in fact. Suppose you had arranged something for yourself on your birthday night?
Sorry but he sounds pretty rubbish.

[pictish]

A washing machine is not a surprise and he's being a dick.

[Barfuckinghumbug]

Its interesting to see the different perspectives on this, i'm certainly feeling less doubtful of my own reaction, i did wonder if I was in the wrong but I don't think I am.

[ouryve]

My DH is handy, too and has fixed washing machines in the past - and is even handy at getting his money back for the parts from the manufacturer when said washing machine is barely out of warranty.

There's no grand gestures from him when said washer is fucked beyond all tolerance, though. The conversation generally goes "I've had it up to here with this heap of shit washer, it's time to replace it" and he goes "probably a good idea."

Is your DH the usually the grand gestures type, BFH?

[AgentZigzag]

'So he lies, you get annoyed and then he blames you for having to tell you the truth?'

That's it exactly.

He must know what you like/don't like on your birthday after 16 years, are you sure he's not done similar shit before? Seems odd to just start up after such a long time and then two things together.

[Barfuckinghumbug]

Yeah he us a bit of a grand gesture man, I do think it's meant out of misjudged kindness. Very pleased i'm not over reacting!

[CuffsAndCollar]

YANBU

Also, the posters asking about why you didn't order the washing machine yourself are the absolute, perfect example of how MN is at the moment. Pointless, irrelevant, judgmental, but mostly, stupid.

[Bettercallsaul1]

Do you really need a washing machine, OP? Many people manage without one, you know.

[Bettercallsaul1]

[CuffsAndCollar]

[expatinscotland]

Wow, he's a helluva a mind fuck. A washing machine as a surprise. Right.

[BabyGanoush]

He sounds tiresome!

Making someone miserable first is not the idea of a nice surprise

[crispytruffle]

I am miffed about a washing machine being a surprise, I don't think an appliance should be given to a partner as a gift.

[Secondtimeround75]

Those are shit surprises

He needs to rethink his tactics, he is being mean to be kind!
Tell him that can't happen anymore as it takes the good out of everything.

[Pipbin]

I see what he was trying to do, but the 'surprises' were badly thought out and now he's being a tool about it.

[Lweji]

A proper surprise would have been him picking up the machine, plugging it, starting it off, all before you got home.

[Bigpants4]

If my DH had said he was away on my birthday, id organise a babysitter and do something with friends. Or just have friends round to my house

[Bigpants4]

I agree its a bit crap though.

[Wagglebees]

It makes the 'surprises' about him not you.

Ta-da you felt shit but I've saved the day and fixed everything. Aren't I great?

Forgetting that he's the one who made you feel like shit in the first place. Make you feel crap so you'll be more grateful when he reveals the 'surprise'.

That's it I think, it's not a nice surprise if you're expected to be grateful for it.

[Wagglebees]

And in advance for your birthday. He's being a knob arm but I hope you have a lovely birthday regardless.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Did he really think you wouldn't do anything on your birthday if he wasn't around?

You have friends, don't you?