A mean spirited surprise

[Barfuckinghumbug]

Right long time lurker, fully prepared to be told AIBU. Bit of long one but dont want to drip feed. DH works away mon-fri, washing machine has been playing up for a couple of weeks , this week decides to pack up completely, anyway DH comes home tonight , I have a bit if a moan about said washing machine and DH shows me a washing machine he's purchased online coming on sunday, was going to be surprise but he said I was obviously getting stressed about it so he'll tell me now. All good, please bear with me, it is relevant.

We then eat dinner had a chat as we always do on a Friday night, I asked about his work christmas party, he told me what date, it happens to be my birthday. He tells me what they're doing very mater of factly like its any other day, so I plaster on a fake smile thinking i'll be alone on my birthday evening ( no family near by and i'm alone during the week so can't go out with friends) please don't get me wrong if he wasn't able to come home early that's one of those things, i'm well aware he works away and may not be able to get the day off, but he seemed quite blasé about it, like oh well never mind just another day, then he walks out of the kitchen asking if I'd like to come and sit down, I don't, so say i need to tidy up, he then comes back into the kitchen , ask me if I'm okay and do i have the hump, i then say its upsetting as I'll be alone on my birthday, when last year he came home for my birthday and made a point of telling me he'd never let me spend my birthday evening alone so clearly the same didn't apply this year.

Anyhow I now come to my AIBU point, he then tells me I've ruined the surprise and I also ruined the washing machine surprise, he's not going to the christmas party he is coming home on my birthday but me"moaning" has meant he's had to tell me . I think both are shit surprises, why is letting me think I'm going to the launderette next week better than don't worry, new machine coming Sunday and why on earth is letting someone think they will be alone on their birthday evening worth the eventual surprise of taa- daa i'm hereon the night.

So AIBU, we are now not speaking.

[Flashbangandgone]

YANBU

How could he reasonably have expected that you wouldn't tell him you were upset at him not being with you on your birthday (especially as his glibly said he'd be at his Christmas party without any mention of his birthday) is beyond me.

Also totally agree with the implied sexism that the idea it's your washing machine... ffs!

[pictish]

Jelly I was about to say something similar.

Buy him a lawnmower or some shit for his birthday then tell him to be grateful for the 'surprise'.

[BlackSwan]

Time for you to 'surprise' him. Arrange to go out with your friends on the night of your birthday. 'Surprise!' you're the babysitter DH.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

By creating a false negative, he's setting a lower standard.

If he had said from the outset he would be home for your birthday (as he had promised you before anyway) then his presence at your birthday is just standard. By creating a drama out of it, him being at your birthday becomes something to be grateful for . . . but you shouldn't have to be grateful that he is keeping his word and doing the bare minimum.

It leaves a bad taste because now there's an undercurrent that he gave something up for you.

I hate people who generate contrived highs and lows. It's so tiring.

[AyeAmarok]

Plantsitter

YANBU OP. It's just not kind to make someone feel shit and worthless so you can then bring them back up to (let's face it) level.

It's not like he's said surprise! We're going on holiday and I've arranged for X to look after the kids! He's bought a washing machine "for you" and isn't going to ditch you on your b'day to go to a work Xmas party.

[diddl]

The washing machine I don't get why he wouldn't just tell you tbh.

I can't see a problem with him arranging it though.

Birthday I think he handled badly.

I don't know why he even mentioned the Chjristmas do if he was never intending to go.

Why would it have been such a big deal if he had gone though?

[pictish]

Well said Aplaceonthecouch - I absolutely agree. He has turned his mere presence into some sort of 'treat' hasn't he? What an absolute fucknut he is to make himself such a fine prize.
Don't be grateful for that which you ought to expect anyway. This way he is making sure your bar is low - don't let it be.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Pictish I had an ex like this : 'I'm being mean to you/doing something shitty.' 'Now I've stopped being mean so you have to be grateful.' Hmm, no, I don't need to be grateful for basic behaviour. Such a waste of time and energy with constantly manufactured highs and lows.

[DoreenLethal]

Yeah he us a bit of a grand gesture man, I do think it's meant out of misjudged kindness.

A grand gesture is a surprise trip to New York.

Lying about going to a do and then not going because you make a fuss is just that - a lie...and buying a washing machine for the servant when the house machine is busted...I mean buying it for the wife so that she can get on with the housework...is not a grand gesture.

[rainbowstardrops]

I think people are being a bit harsh to OP's DH! I know his 'surprises' are very misguided but it sounds like he just didn't engage his brain rather than anything else.
I'd be a bit at him ordering a washing machine without consulting me though because it needs to look right as well as wash and I'm not sure I'd trust his judgement based on his surprises

[ErnesttheBavarian]

He sounds immature and needy and that he wants you to beg and be overly grateful about everything.

Tbh I suspect the immaturity will prevent him from being able to understand or accept your pov. I think you need to just say flat you dislike surprises and please just be straight with you.

My dc dislike surprises and gain more pleasure from looking forward to the thing rather than me keeping it secret and having the whole ta da thing.

If he gets to understand that the anticipation and prior knowledge is in itself pleasurable maybe he'll learn he will get more enjoyment himself from telling you straight than from basically lying to you, making you feel crap so you can have the surprise high.

[IwishIwasinNewYork]

YANBU at all.

He was stitching you up, setting you up to fail.

Knowing you would be upset about the birthday thing, then pretending he was hurt by your upset and expecting gratitude.

He knew how that would all pan out.

Does he do this a lot? I have a friend whose h does stuff like this and it really fucks with her head.

[manana21]

The washing machine i'm on the fence about but the planning to say he was prioritizing the work party then mysteriously appearing and expecting you to be grateful for is weird. He's setting you up to be pee'd off before he comes and you're supposed to then get all chuffed? Bizarre....most people would instead tell you they were going to be there and you'd plan something nice together.

[MrsMolesworth]

So you reacted as anyone would, by being disappointed he couldn't be around on your birthday and he's hacked off because it was a lie and he can? How did he expect you to react to disappointing news you didn't know was untrue?

[MidnightVelvetthe4th]

What if you had gone out on your birthday last minutes & he arrived home to an empty house, what would he have done then? Or had you said 'OK no worries I'm going out with friends then'. It was fairly badly planned regardless of his motives.

If you have been with him 16 years OP & he is otherwise considerate then just write it off. If he likes to manipulate you for example he says that he didn't say something when you knew he did, or you are forced to be grateful to him for basic relationship needs then rethink.

Tell him either way that you don't like surprises, I'm the same, dp surprised me once with a weekend away in a hotel which was wonderful but because I didn't know, I couldn't anticipate it or bring my swimming costume for the pool. I like looking forward to things :)

[abbieanders]

I can't see a problem with him arranging it though.

Personally, I prefer to have a say in the major purchases for our house. I live here too, I'm an adult, I get a say unless we've agreed otherwise.

[diddl]

"I prefer to have a say in the major purchases for our house."

I can see that as well & yes, it does sound as though that didn't happen in this case.

For me I'd be quite happy to say "same/similar to what needs replacing/make sure it has X function" & then sit back & let it happen.

But yes that is having input, as you say.

We recently needed a new oven & hob & I was happy for husband & son to go off & deal with it, but I knew that they'd be getting something similar.

[noddingoff]

If it turns out that the washing machine is your birthday and Christmas present rolled into one, for a little surprise I'd wash some of his favourite clothes in it at 90 degrees with something new, red and non colourfast.

[pictish]

I'd be all for him arranging for a new washing machine to be delivered. I don't care about washing machines...if it washes clothes it's a good one.
As a birthday treat? Unless he spends his time at work in a cave, he knows that's not a birthday surprise, it's an appliance. Bit like him getting a boiler for his.

If it was genuinely misguided but well-intentioned, he'd have backed down and put it right straight away.
The fact that he's using this as an opportunity to insist that the OP should be grateful and being nasty when she isn't, tells all.

[Barfuckinghumbug]

Thank you for all your replies, I honestly didn't expect so many.

Well I got an apology this morning. I think he knows he's been a dick. I think I threw him asking if and when there was a party and instead if saying- yes its on your birthday so I won't be going he decided on the "surprise" and the washing well I've made clear that It was a truly shit surprise.

The grand surprises are usually highly impractical christmas gifts not usually household items.

He's not manipulative, i can see why OP think he might be as that's all you know about him iyswim. You don't come online to vent about the good stuff.

Thanks for all your input

[pictish]

Well thank god. That's good he has accepted his dickosity and apologised.

If it had carried on through to the weekend I'd have been seriously concerned it it were me. Allowing a dispute to be slept on is no bad thing imo. Glad he came good.
Enjoy your weekend. x

[IwishIwasinNewYork]

I'm glad he's apologised and that you feel he's generally a good guy. That's good to hear.

Just remember to stay fierce and hold on to those boundaries as he clearly has slightly dickish tendencies

[pictish]

Lol...absolutely. Keep being assertive you fab woman. He needs that and I suspect he knows it.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I'm glad he apologised and you feel he understands why they were rubbish 'surprises'.

[Barfuckinghumbug]

dickosity- loving that word!