A mean spirited surprise

[Barfuckinghumbug]

Right long time lurker, fully prepared to be told AIBU. Bit of long one but dont want to drip feed. DH works away mon-fri, washing machine has been playing up for a couple of weeks , this week decides to pack up completely, anyway DH comes home tonight , I have a bit if a moan about said washing machine and DH shows me a washing machine he's purchased online coming on sunday, was going to be surprise but he said I was obviously getting stressed about it so he'll tell me now. All good, please bear with me, it is relevant.

We then eat dinner had a chat as we always do on a Friday night, I asked about his work christmas party, he told me what date, it happens to be my birthday. He tells me what they're doing very mater of factly like its any other day, so I plaster on a fake smile thinking i'll be alone on my birthday evening ( no family near by and i'm alone during the week so can't go out with friends) please don't get me wrong if he wasn't able to come home early that's one of those things, i'm well aware he works away and may not be able to get the day off, but he seemed quite blasé about it, like oh well never mind just another day, then he walks out of the kitchen asking if I'd like to come and sit down, I don't, so say i need to tidy up, he then comes back into the kitchen , ask me if I'm okay and do i have the hump, i then say its upsetting as I'll be alone on my birthday, when last year he came home for my birthday and made a point of telling me he'd never let me spend my birthday evening alone so clearly the same didn't apply this year.

Anyhow I now come to my AIBU point, he then tells me I've ruined the surprise and I also ruined the washing machine surprise, he's not going to the christmas party he is coming home on my birthday but me"moaning" has meant he's had to tell me . I think both are shit surprises, why is letting me think I'm going to the launderette next week better than don't worry, new machine coming Sunday and why on earth is letting someone think they will be alone on their birthday evening worth the eventual surprise of taa- daa i'm hereon the night.

So AIBU, we are now not speaking.

Knob at the moment not a knob arm.

It's all about him isn't it? He's into the big rescue surprise and the grand gestures when he misses the point that if he wants to do a nice thing for someone he loves it should be about them not him.

I would also be pissed off about this.

Most people planning a surprise birthday event use an alternative good event to get you there.
Is he really very dizzy????

Why is everyone talking about the washing machine as if belongs to the OP?? It's a shared domestic item, surely?

Who is?????

'Personally I'd buy my own washing machine. Cannot imagine waiting for a man to do it for me while I struggle with washing at a launderette'??

Why is it her washing machine? It's the family washing machine!

See also:
'He's ordered a new washing machine for you before yours actually broke? He's not going on his work crimbo night out because it's your birthday? You've got the hump? Don't geddit.'

My brother once did similar with his wife, let her think she was alone with two dc as he was away on their bday, backfired massively as he came home expecting them all to be miserable without his presence, that he could come sauntering in with"surprise" and everyone would be happy and kiss him and hug him etc, and instead he found an empty house as SIL had taken the kids out to the cinema with her friends and their dc.

He had the cheek to feel hurt that she didn't cancel and come home!

He's playing with your mind and manipulating your heart.

You need to have a chat about how upset you are.

Use language like

"when you say I'm going to my work do and seem not to remember my birthday, I feel bereft and abandoned"

When you say I'll have to get to the laundrette and do the laundry there, I feel drained and exhausted.

Even with the big reveal, it doesnt make up for the fact that I've been upset.
Please don't surprise me anymore in this way as it is not something I like.

If you respect me you'll not surprise me in this way again as its too hurtful for me to go through the low before you tell me the truth."

I know you're trying to be nice, but try and see it from my point of view- I just don't find it funny, and feel like you don't know me or respect the way my mind works at all."

Personally I couldn't live with someone who thought his sense of humour and playing jokes and tricks was the most important thing, more important that the feelings and boundaries of anyone else. I wonder has he aspergers, or low social skills? He seems very immature.

You do need to talk. He needs to know he's upset you and why.
Going off in a huff is no way to fix anything.

Yes, sun, but that's not everyone nor even a majority. And the second example is not, erm, representative. For the few others, it reads more as, you are at home and you needed the machine, why didn't you order it yourself (which is a separate subject but also relevant in this context).

I think we have a classic case of 'white knight' mentality - I agree with the PPs that have stated that he is making it all about him so he can ride in and save the day.

I would book to go out with family on my birthday and exclude him just to make a point - but then again, I am mean!

Personally I couldn't live with someone who thought his sense of humour and playing jokes and tricks was the most important thing, more important that the feelings and boundaries of anyone else. I wonder has he aspergers, or low social skills? He seems very immature.

Sorry, but I get so frustrated when people suggest selfish, shitty behaviour may mean someone is autistic. Please, please stop stereotyping like this. Autistic people deserve better, and the bigotry they deal with is shocking.

OP, you are totally reasonable to be annoyed. He basically allowed you to be upset and sad with good reason, rather than free you from those situations at once. He was then annoyed that he didn't have the "fun" of you having days and weeks expecting the worst. A nice surprise is a bonus, not being put out of your anticipated misery.

You get what you want - a new washing machine and him home on your birthday so I think you should forget it. Life's too short.

So.. The birthday surprise was the pleasure of his company, even though he already promised he'd never leave you alone for your birthday?

A good surprise is when the person doesn't expect something neither good nor bad.

I took DH to a show one year on the pretense of him riding along to the dentist so he could drive me back. I had him give me directions to the place only to "accidentally" go the wrong way and get "so lost". He was exasperated when we got there, grumbling about how we'd have to reschedule because I was missing my appointment. But he was thrilled to go to a show he'd been wanting to see. That's a good surprise.

A bad surprise would have been "Sorry, I'm broke, you're getting no gifts and I have to work that day, oh please order take out for dinner", only to come home and expect him to just be happy to see me because it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be.

You see the thing these birthday surprises are always wonderful in the movies.

Yes, when they are genuine. Guy does have to go to meeting then finished early or quts to be with his loved one, but had previously managed to buy a decent gift.

As for who said to let it go because life is too short, IME, it's too short to spend it putting up with this crap for the dubious pleasure of having someone like this in our lives.

You get what you want - a new washing machine and him home on your birthday
Also, this should be the bare minimum and a given. A working appliance at home and our partner there for your birthday (unless there's a good excuse: not his work Christmas party). Not something you should be grateful for.

I think you have your wires crossed. He probably planned some nice things on your birthday. He could have said hmmm not sure if I will go to the work do.

Yanbu, op. He should have told you about the washing machine as soon as he'd bought it. It's a joint household item, not a gift for you!

Re the work party, he should have said, work party is on x date, so I won't go this year as it's your bday and I'd rather be with you. Or whatever. But he should have said straight away what he planned, not let you think he was going to do one thing.

That way you have a week of sadness then you're happy when he turns up.

That's not fair. You need to communicate better - tell him you don't like this, and why.

Does he have form for this?

I'm with you on this. They're shit surprises (the way they're being presented). You can't be 'blamed' at all in this scenario.

The birthday one stoked me as strange. He has to make you feel bad to then make you feel good. Strange.

"Surprise!! You CAN wash my pants next week after all! Now say thank you nicely."

Buy him an iron for Christmas and tell him you are leaving him.

Then come back the next day - ta da, what a lovely surprise!

They arent even surprises.

A surprise is a bunch flowers he returns home with or he says you are doing something special on your birthday and surprising you with a weekend away.

This is fucking with your head for an ego trip.