Lost it tonight with DS

[petitfromage]

Never posted before so please go easy on me.
I have a really lovely 7 yr old DS who I get on well with and am very close to.He's so much fun and great company, love our time together (normally).
He is at a great school and today we were invited to his special assembly where he and 2 other kids in each form get a merit for doing something good. Both me and DH went as they mean a lot to us (you get get one merit assembly per year)
DS has always been last to get a merit every year. He has some level of ADHD and struggles to sit still, concentrate, focus on work etc - school have been very supportive and have done a load of tests with him to try to work out best way to teach him. He has a fantastic form teacher this year and at parents eve I mentioned that he is always last in the form to get a merit as obviously his behaviour in class does not naturally lead to the teacher feeling like he deserves a merit. She said no problem. I'll sort. So we get the letter saying he's getting one now - yay!
All the other kids (3 per form for 3 classes for each year) go up and get their merits. Teachers wax lyrical about how great the kids are, what they did to deserve a merit - great work, help friends, pleasure to be around blah blah blah.... then DS gets called up. DH has phone out to video our moment of pride. Then as lovely teacher starts to say how DS was struggling in yr 3 at first but is really trying hard and settling in brilliantly he starts waving his arms around like he is conducting the audience. Kids all start laughing. He warms to his audience and does it more. Totally ignores teacher and what she is saying about his work. He acts up to the crowd and tbh acts like a complete knob in front of the whole of the juniors, all the teachers and all the parents. Teacher ends up bright red as she has no idea what to do. Head of year has face like thunder. Mortifying doesn't quite cover it.

He then sat down and dicked around (visibly) through the whole of the lords prayer and remainder of assembly.
I know he has some level of ADHD but it isn't that bad. He just acted like a little twat who cares way more about attention and getting everyone to laugh at him than he did about the merit.
I just feel a bit lost and like I don't know my own son.
I totally lost it with him tonight - floods of tears, what the hell were you doing, not worth sending you to that school (it's private and a big expense for us but thought best place for him - now not sure), don't even look at me right now etc etc. Great parenting. He put himself to bed tonight and I was glad as DH is away tonight and I am emotionally exhausted. Feel like totally crap mum. I was school geek and loved my work. I have a DS who I adore but don't understand. WTF was he thinking?? What the hell do I do about this? Ignore? Punish????
Help.

Agreed Pictish. Don't really understand why some of these messages are so harsh... I've certainly thought various members of my family were twats/ knobs at one point or another and I'm sure the complaint was often returned!

Also totally agree Derxa - think the only person I would expect to be embarrassed is the teacher who is apparently unable to hand out an award without a child taking the piss out of her! Poor woman!

No, I didn't pull it out of my arse, I pulled it out of the pretty obvious context that the OP gave:

"He has a fantastic form teacher this year and at parents eve I mentioned that he is always last in the form to get a merit as obviously his behaviour in class does not naturally lead to the teacher feeling like he deserves a merit. She said no problem. I'll sort."

So he got a merit because OP put teacher on the spot and she obviously felt she couldn't refuse, so gave him the merit but for some reason couldn't / wasn't willing to hide the fact that, in her eyes, he doesn't deserve it as much as the others.

"Then as lovely teacher starts to say how DS was struggling in yr 3 at first but is really trying hard and settling in brilliantly he starts waving his arms around like he is conducting the audience."

Why do you think it was this moment he started acting out? Saying he was struggling but trying hard and doing better is fine in private or at parents evening. It's not nice to say something like that at an awards event in front of the whole school, especially as, according to OP, the teacher was "waxing lyrical" about all the other kids who got merits. Ouch. How do you think that made OP's DS feel? How would you feel in his place?

Prize givings are supposed to be a time for praise, not veiled criticism. Why did the teacher feel the need to say that? Maybe the Head questioned her decision to give him the award so she felt she needed to justify it? Who knows, but if she felt she couldn't wax equally lyrical about him as about everyone else then she should have just been honest and told OP "no" instead of promising to "sort it".

It's obvious that OP loves him (I never questioned that!) but equally obvious that she's disappointed he's not the "school geek" like she was. Where do I get this "incredible insight"? From OP's post where she says as much in black and white. Hardly rocket science. Kids pick up on parental disappointment and it affects them really badly. They can mask it, often very convincingly, but it still has an impact. Not everyone who appears to have high self esteem actually does. A lot of apparent cockiness in kids is anything but.

He totally isn't going to the toe the line and bloody love him for it Well this in contrast with your embarrassment when he didn't 'toe the line'.
You can't have it both ways. I would put the whole thing down to experience and now you can start having an honest dialogue with the school. Work together with his teachers.

7 year olds aren't stupid. They all know who gets the awards for being a goody 2 shoes, and who gets them for "encouragement ". Same as they all know who is brainy, who is good at sports, who has trouble behaving.
I really wouldn't bother feeling sorry for the child who goes to a nice school and whose mum actually loves him and cares about his wellbeing. Honestly, I don't think kids like him are the ones to squander your deep compassion on..
Yes, self esteem is important, but in a loved, cared about child it's really not that delicate and fragile, surely!!?

That was to cath btw

Draylong the Op has said that she thinks there might be some as yet undiagnosed issues. She was the one who said that. I am one of those posters who mentioned that my DS has a diagnosis - autism in my Ds's case. That is an actual diagnosis from an actual psychologist, not something I made up to excuse my lack of parenting ability.

My grandmother had a saying; "there's a candle snuffer".

By which she meant someone who has to blow out your candle to make theirs burn brighter.

I'd love a candle emoticon on MN and quite frankly I'd have used it a lot on this thread.

Such totally needless vitriol and superiority.

I think there a quite a few posters on this thread that should take a damn hard look in the mirror.

OP - look after yourself and your son. You will both be fine.

He behaved badly, you behaved badly, you're both human, let it go.