Lost it tonight with DS

[petitfromage]

Never posted before so please go easy on me.
I have a really lovely 7 yr old DS who I get on well with and am very close to.He's so much fun and great company, love our time together (normally).
He is at a great school and today we were invited to his special assembly where he and 2 other kids in each form get a merit for doing something good. Both me and DH went as they mean a lot to us (you get get one merit assembly per year)
DS has always been last to get a merit every year. He has some level of ADHD and struggles to sit still, concentrate, focus on work etc - school have been very supportive and have done a load of tests with him to try to work out best way to teach him. He has a fantastic form teacher this year and at parents eve I mentioned that he is always last in the form to get a merit as obviously his behaviour in class does not naturally lead to the teacher feeling like he deserves a merit. She said no problem. I'll sort. So we get the letter saying he's getting one now - yay!
All the other kids (3 per form for 3 classes for each year) go up and get their merits. Teachers wax lyrical about how great the kids are, what they did to deserve a merit - great work, help friends, pleasure to be around blah blah blah.... then DS gets called up. DH has phone out to video our moment of pride. Then as lovely teacher starts to say how DS was struggling in yr 3 at first but is really trying hard and settling in brilliantly he starts waving his arms around like he is conducting the audience. Kids all start laughing. He warms to his audience and does it more. Totally ignores teacher and what she is saying about his work. He acts up to the crowd and tbh acts like a complete knob in front of the whole of the juniors, all the teachers and all the parents. Teacher ends up bright red as she has no idea what to do. Head of year has face like thunder. Mortifying doesn't quite cover it.

He then sat down and dicked around (visibly) through the whole of the lords prayer and remainder of assembly.
I know he has some level of ADHD but it isn't that bad. He just acted like a little twat who cares way more about attention and getting everyone to laugh at him than he did about the merit.
I just feel a bit lost and like I don't know my own son.
I totally lost it with him tonight - floods of tears, what the hell were you doing, not worth sending you to that school (it's private and a big expense for us but thought best place for him - now not sure), don't even look at me right now etc etc. Great parenting. He put himself to bed tonight and I was glad as DH is away tonight and I am emotionally exhausted. Feel like totally crap mum. I was school geek and loved my work. I have a DS who I adore but don't understand. WTF was he thinking?? What the hell do I do about this? Ignore? Punish????
Help.

In terms of what you should do.... it's up to you, but if I believed that my child had 'some level of ADHD' as you do, I would be hassling the school and GP to refer him for assessment.

He was badly behaved. No. Most children don't behave like this - especially not in public.

TBH it sounds like he has no respect for authority or for you, as his parent. Which, given you made out in your opening sentence like you were his best friend (not his mum) isn't surprising.

You're not supposed to be 'friends' with your children. You're the boss. You're in charge. What says goes. He may be 'confident' as you say, or he actually might be a cocky little boy who needs disciplining big time.

Only you will know.

God...Our culture really can't stand children being children. ....depressing thread

For all those that are baffled and shocked and surprised that the teacher didn't sort it out - I'm not. She got up in front of the whole school and all the parents to give a reward and the child mucked around. She probably thought he would stop in a second and when he didn't it would have been hugely embarrassing to sort out that kind of behaviour publicly, knowing that his parents were there watching and how much that would embarrass them as well. Other parents would be commenting about the boy who had to be publicly reprimanded for poor behaviour etc. Awful. If I had been that teacher the only thing I would have done would have been to say "and I think Freddie is getting a bit over-excited so let's just give him a quick round of applause for his great work in class" and cut the embarrassment short.

OP - I think get your son to write a letter of apology and put in a covering note thanking her for her time and effort in writing the speech and making the award. Then move on.

Good suggestion Iguana.

Knowing his issues, the class teacher should have stepped in. It wasn't your responsibility to do so as it was during school hours.

I can understand you were mortified, but he is only 7. Plenty of time to grow up and be sensible.

I agree - sometimes (if very occasiona) shouting and sending them to bed has its send a message youve reached your limits.

Aw bless. Him and you! Been there, been embarrassed, many times with my DS who has Asperger’s and still tends to fool around at formal events when he’s centre of attention. Though he tends to make loud snide remarks rather than over-act. It’s a kind of nerves. And my DS behaved very well when he got a school award last night -- but he is 17 now not 7. When he was 13 one of his ADHD-ish friends jumped over the furniture on his way back to his seat. No this isn’t a special school, it’s a very academic state mainstream!

Don’t punish. Take things slowly, a bit at a time. Before the next ceremony tell him – or ask the teacher in charge to tell him – what is expected, step by step and remind him gently but clearly what is appropriate behaviour. DS's secondary school always do a rehearsal before awards evening, and that is one reason for it. DS has calmed down gradually at these events over the years and is much more restrained; patient reminders from adults, familiarity and practice help him stay calm, plus maturity helps a lot.

It's not whose responsibility it was to step in -it would have been mortifying either way. The parent being present always trumps the teacher (although I have told kids off in front of their parents before when it has not been a public event) but in this case the OP really couldn't have got up from the back of the hall and walked past the whole school to stop him.

If I had been that teacher the only thing I would have done would have been to say "and I think Freddie is getting a bit over-excited so let's just give him a quick round of applause for his great work in class"

YY to that. The perfect response.

Wow massive over reaction!
Poor kid

I have taught 7 year olds for a long time and I have to say what you described is not 'normal 7 year old boy' behaviour. I have never come across a child acting like this in an assembly - yes, when they are sat in the audience of course there will be some messing around, but when they are stood at the front of the school and the teacher is giving them an award and praising them? Hell no! How fucking rude!

I can totally understand why you felt this way and think you have had a bit of a hard time on this thread. If it were my son who did this I would be mortified! I think the idea of getting him to write a letter of apology to the teacher and then moving on is best.

And I also agree with iguana that it would have been arse clenchingly cringey for that teacher to have to sort out that behaviour in front of the whole school and the parents.

I would push for a proper assessment from an Ed Psych first so that you can rule any underlying issues in or out then i would book him into the nearest Am dram club and harness his ability to entertain, considering he appears to enjoy it so much!

Channel his energies into something positive and teach him theres a time and place, he's very young at the moment and could be the next big entertainer if he's not squashed too much.

I certainly dont blame you for being angry with him but tomorrows another day.

Massive over reaction. Well to say her DS was acting like a Nob and a Twat. Yes is out of line.
But if shed havd came on saying Oh my DS was acting up today in the assembly. The teachers were mortifed but I just laughed and didn't give a shiny shit. My little poppet can do as he pleases. AIBU.
We all know what the answers would have been, so at least she is at best recognising her DS challenging behaviour, and has the decency to be mortifed. There are parents out there who really would not give a shiny shit. Those types of parents are out there!
With discipline you're in a no win situation. If you do chastise tgdm. It's aww did you hear how she spoke to him\her then
And if you don't. You get the. I know what I'd do with him\her. If they were mine.

OP, how are you both this morning?

I'd be checking about other issues too though as others have said. Op has said that she has noticed he has some issues that are yet to be diagnosed.

My DS is autistic and tbh I can see him reacting to something like this in an odd way also. His responses are off base alot of the time. The number of times I have been weepy in various settings (school plays. sports days etc) as he just does not 'get it'....

OP, you love your DS, that is just so so obvious even though you were cross. I think you need to have a bit of a cuddle today, a chat. Tell him you are proud of him, tell him you were cross and you are sorry for being so cross. Have a good weekend away and just be gentle - with yourself (we all have massive parenting fails!), with your DS.

I think it's fine to tell him you were embarrassed and explain why and I understand you are frustrated, but I don't think you can hold the decision you guys made to pay money for his private education against him. If it's a real financial strain for you such that it makes you overly anxious and invested in everything he does or doesn't do, perhaps he could go somewhere else?

Agree with the posters above though that you'll be laughing about it in years to come. I laughed reading it and I can't imagine anyone thought badly of you for producing a child with a sense of humour

Ok so he arsed around during his moment of glory, I too would have been mortified in front of the other parents etc but take a deep breath. Is this normal behaviour for him, does he do this at family gatherings or at other times when he is thrust into the limelight. It simply nay have been he was overwhelmed by it all. I am not saying his behaviour was acceptable and no doubt he is aware of that now but we all make mistakes in life and embarrass ourselves at times. If he is usually a pretty well behaved kid then move on, let him know it's not acceptable and give him a punishment proportionate to what happened. Most of all go and enjoy your weekend, it will be yesterday's news by the end if the weekend. Maybe he should also apologise to his teacher etc.

OP I'm not going to tell you not to worry because as a Mum that's part of the job description but I hope my experience might make you feel somewhat less anxious about the future in the sense that his current behaviour isn't an automatic predictor of the future.

My son since being a toddler had always been quite single minded. He spent his 3rd birthday party totally wrapped up in a present and ignored all his friends by way of example.

At primary school he was figgity and mildly disruptive - all the time. He struggled with writing particularly and was at least 2 years behind. On the flip side at maths he was very good. If he liked something then he worked at it, if he didn't his disengagement was total.

At home he was a different person. Sitting in parents evenings trying to reconcile my lovely, bright, articulate, boy with the trouble making, disruptive, figgity pupil teachers described was very hard.

He rarely got merits (or his schools equivalent) and every school play or parents assembly involved me and DH steeling ourselves for tomfoolery and embarrassment - in spite of threats (followed through on) for poor behaviour or treats for good.

In year 5 his teacher called us in. She wanted him referred to a child psychologist with a view that there was something "wrong". ADHD and potentially autism was mentioned.

Obviously we were very concerned but felt strongly (having done our research) and talking to my mum (ex primary teacher) that he wasn't displaying consistently at home and in school traits that fit any specific diagnosis.

As such (and this might not be right for you) we declined any intervention. Quite frankly we felt the root cause was simply a cross between some personality traits and immaturity.

Come year 6 and with a new teacher, plus a strictly applied behavioural reward scheme at home we started to see some big changes.

His writing started to improve as did his overall classroom behaviour. His maths which had always been good got even better and by the end of the year he was just
below expectations in English an top of the school in maths.

We also sat through his last class leaving play for the first time with a video we were proud to watch where he behaved impeccably.

Now in his 2nd year of Grammar he is flourishing. He's top set in English (something I never expected to see) and taking maths top set with yr 9.

Quite frankly 5 years ago I wouldn't have thought this possible. However in his case he simply just "grew up" and whilst he is still stubborn, struggles not to fidget and apt to play class clown at times it isn't part of an all consuming pattern of behaviour.

Telling him you were upset was the right thing to do and how he will learn.

However remember he is still young and there is plenty of time for him to grow and mature.

Your DS was a bit silly and acted up in public (for completely understandable reasons which some pp have already pointed out). In response, you threw a massive temper tantrum and said some very hurtful things which will harm his self-esteem. So you both misbehaved - but there are two key differences between you and him. First, obviously, he's a child and you're an adult. No, his age doesn't give him license to act out whenever he wants, but there's a hell of a lot more excuse for a 7 yo's bad behaviour than an adult's. He's just a kid. What's your excuse?

Secondly, his behaviour was silly, disruptive and (for you) embarrassing - but no more than that. (For his classmates it was quite amusing from the sound of it.) He wasn't being violent, or unpleasant, or nasty, or mean. From your (over)reaction you'd think he'd beaten someone up or something. You, OTOH, were very hurtful to him. I'm not saying you deliberately intended to cause him pain and distress but you must have known that would be the result. So: silly but non-malicious behaviour from a kid versus angry lashing out and verbal abuse from an adult - which would you say is worse? He has apologised and promised to make changes to his behaviour. Have you done the same? He certainly deserves a heartfelt "sorry I lost my temper" from you, at the very very very least. Not to mention some reassurance that you love him no matter what and are proud of him regardless if he wins any totally pointless "merits" or not.

"I have a DS who I adore but don't understand."
Really? Because several pp have understood your son's behaviour quite easily just from your description of events. You were desperate for him to win a merit so you & DH could have your little "moment of pride", so you arm-twisted his teacher into giving him one, and then he was forced to sit up there in front of the whole bloody school while his teacher gave a speech about how he'd been struggling but is "trying hard". And you expect him to sit there meekly feeling...what? Proud? Grateful for the back-handed "praise"? How dumb do you think he is? You say you were mortified by him. Have you considered whether he may have had good reason to feel mortified by you and the teacher? The key to understanding someone is to try and see things from their point of view instead of your own. If I were your DS, I'd have shoved your phoney merit up your arse been less than thrilled about the whole thing too. Sorry, not wanting to be harsh, just trying to illustrate that what may have seemed like a lovely proud moment for you may have been anything but from where your DS was sitting. Could you maybe summon up a bit of pride in him for being smart enough to see through the charade instead of playing along like a sheep?

"I was school geek and loved my work."
Well, good for you. But what does that have to do with anything? It's not your son's job to relive your school days for you.

If I had been the teacher I would have stopped the eulogy as soon as all the silliness started and given a death stare. When he continued to be silly a teacher should have quietly motioned to him to sit by him/her. You weren't in a position to do anything.

Sorry, not wanting to be harsh

Also, cath, that is a hell of a lot of assumptions you have made about the OPs son and why he acted like he did. Let's face it, you just pulled all that out of your arse didnt you? You have no idea if that's why he acted like that, but will still use it as a stick to beat the OP with.

Gosh Cath it's almost as though you were there and know OP's son better than she does! What incredible insight...please share with us how you have come to be so knowledgeable about a scenario you didn't witness, involving people that you've never met. That's some talent!

And OP if you weren't feeling like the worst mother in the world before, mumsnet has kindly made sure you do now. Bet you're glad you posted here for support eh?

Ignore the nasty comments OP. In a few years it will be funny.