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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lost it tonight with DS

109 replies

petitfromage · 26/11/2015 21:20

Never posted before so please go easy on me.
I have a really lovely 7 yr old DS who I get on well with and am very close to.He's so much fun and great company, love our time together (normally).
He is at a great school and today we were invited to his special assembly where he and 2 other kids in each form get a merit for doing something good. Both me and DH went as they mean a lot to us (you get get one merit assembly per year)
DS has always been last to get a merit every year. He has some level of ADHD and struggles to sit still, concentrate, focus on work etc - school have been very supportive and have done a load of tests with him to try to work out best way to teach him. He has a fantastic form teacher this year and at parents eve I mentioned that he is always last in the form to get a merit as obviously his behaviour in class does not naturally lead to the teacher feeling like he deserves a merit. She said no problem. I'll sort. So we get the letter saying he's getting one now - yay!
All the other kids (3 per form for 3 classes for each year) go up and get their merits. Teachers wax lyrical about how great the kids are, what they did to deserve a merit - great work, help friends, pleasure to be around blah blah blah.... then DS gets called up. DH has phone out to video our moment of pride. Then as lovely teacher starts to say how DS was struggling in yr 3 at first but is really trying hard and settling in brilliantly he starts waving his arms around like he is conducting the audience. Kids all start laughing. He warms to his audience and does it more. Totally ignores teacher and what she is saying about his work. He acts up to the crowd and tbh acts like a complete knob in front of the whole of the juniors, all the teachers and all the parents. Teacher ends up bright red as she has no idea what to do. Head of year has face like thunder. Mortifying doesn't quite cover it.

He then sat down and dicked around (visibly) through the whole of the lords prayer and remainder of assembly.
I know he has some level of ADHD but it isn't that bad. He just acted like a little twat who cares way more about attention and getting everyone to laugh at him than he did about the merit.
I just feel a bit lost and like I don't know my own son.
I totally lost it with him tonight - floods of tears, what the hell were you doing, not worth sending you to that school (it's private and a big expense for us but thought best place for him - now not sure), don't even look at me right now etc etc. Great parenting. He put himself to bed tonight and I was glad as DH is away tonight and I am emotionally exhausted. Feel like totally crap mum. I was school geek and loved my work. I have a DS who I adore but don't understand. WTF was he thinking?? What the hell do I do about this? Ignore? Punish????
Help.

OP posts:

greenfolder · 26/11/2015 22:51

You can only move on really.
You mention a widening gap between him and his peers. Does his behaviour today highlight that and pushed you buttons? Can he help it? That's the question you really need answered. Have you tried the gp re adhd?

SanityClause · 26/11/2015 22:52

What KurriKurri said. All of it.

cansu · 26/11/2015 23:00

I don't know. I don't blame you for being annoyed with him. I think you probably have to ask yourself whether you think he has very poor impulse control and needs more help or was simply behaving badly. If the latter then seek a referral. If the former then your bollocking won't have done much damage other than caused him to consider his response next time. I think blaming teacher is unfair. Teacher who intervenes is likely to be blamed by parent for embarrassing them and their child in front of others or for not making allowances for his difficulties. It is hard in such a public setting to judge what is best. Sometimes intervening and telling child off can lead child to up their game or do something worse as they have the audience attention. Quiet disapproval or death stare sometimes better in this scenario. As a parent of child with Sen I tend to avoid such public displays as I don't want to feel uncomfortable.

BishopBrennansArse · 26/11/2015 23:11

Does he actually have a diagnosis of ADHD?

If not stating he has 'some degree of it' is offensive as its dismissive of just how disabling it can be - it's not just 'being silly'.

If so then there's a bloody good reason why it's considered a disability and being ashamed of something your child cannot help is pretty awful behaviour.

BishopBrennansArse · 26/11/2015 23:14

In short, OP, you're massively our of order whatever the case is. If he's a round peg you're going to go all out to bash off the edges to get him into the square hike of your expectations regardless of what that does to him aren't you?

OddlyLogical · 26/11/2015 23:23

He does stand out as not like the other kids and that worries me.
So his ADHD affects him far more than you give it credit for. Minimising it won't make it go away.

He's very bright and (contrary to what someone said above) he is super confident. This is part of the problem. He thinks he's great - as do all his friends. Esteem is definitely not an issue!
I wonder if a large part of that 'self-esteem' is real. I wonder how much of it is made up from the attention that he gets from other people - that he interprets as popularity.

You had a go at him because of how YOU felt, more than how HE behaved. Had the teachers told you this had happened in an assembly that you didn't witness, I suspect you wouldn't have been anywhere near as mortified.
I agree with a couple of others who have suggested that he was overwhelmed by the unfamiliarity of the reward and didn't know how to respond.

The behaviour wasn't acceptable, but I don't believe that any amount of telling him off or punishing him will actually achieve anything. I think you need to learn to understand him and his needs and provide appropriate support to help him learn the skills that he lacks. I think it would help you if you learnt more about ADHD so you can see him in a more positive way than a 'twat' (among other things)

roundaboutthetown · 26/11/2015 23:25

I think we're all entitled to find our children embarrassing from time to time. Looking back on it in a week or two, you might even be able to find a teensy bit of humour in the situation.

fusionconfusion · 26/11/2015 23:30

He doesn't have a diagnosis of ADHD. It is something his teacher, who is not qualified to diagnose him, said was a possibility but she wasn't willing to refer him 'yet'. So no need to start talking disability at this point.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/11/2015 23:30

acts like a complete knob

Nice way to talk about your kid

fusionconfusion · 26/11/2015 23:32

It is also fairly normal to react more to a child's behaviour when emotional yourself. Let's not pretend we are all saints who are perfectly consistent at all times regardless of our own emotional state. Good grief. Not very supportive.

Crazypetlady · 26/11/2015 23:33

Although your son behaved in a silly way I think the real problem is your attitude towards him , it comes across in the post that you only like him when he fits your mould. That is just my opinion though. I don't think you are a bad parent I just think you need to expect less.

BishopBrennansArse · 26/11/2015 23:35

Ok. So likening poor behaviour to a diagnosed disability.

Not really on, that.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 26/11/2015 23:43

I feel really sorry for your poor little boy. Especially when you told him if you could leave him behind you would...he may have been silly on stage but you've acted like a twat not him. Massive overreaction on your part

LyndaNotLinda · 26/11/2015 23:46

If the school thinks he has some degree of adhd or you do, you can ask for a referral from your GP. Or go for a private assessment.

I'd also expect a qualified teacher to know how to diffuse the situation.

Hairyfairy01 · 26/11/2015 23:52

I really don't see the point in bashing the op when she's already down. She's admitted it wasn't great parenting and has asked for help.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 27/11/2015 00:08

Ach, you lost it, you probably went overboard. I might have too tbh. No, I know I would. I would have shouted when we got back home, being totally honest.
You want to feel proud of your kid so when they show you up in public its mortifying. But now I think you need to let it go. Seriously. He knows you were mightily upset, so draw a line under it and start fresh. No more post mortem, no threats, no guilt. Tell him you know he is a good lad and you believe he will behave more appropriately next time.
And, if he is adhd, then take that seriously. Not to say you should use it to excuse bad behaviour, but it helps if you can understand how his mind is working.

amazingtracy · 27/11/2015 00:14

Listen, losing the plot is understandable-we've all done that. However, you have made your point. Now shut up about it and move on. Would you like your transgressions poured over day after day?-and you're an adult.

Personally I think your son was feeling very embarrassed, excited, nervous and it showed itself in shitty behaviour. (IMO the teacher would have done everyone a favour to have cut her speech short).

I'm not sure how you expect your son to 'atone' for his behaviour.

cakedup · 27/11/2015 00:15

No harm done in losing it once in a while...but I think it was the depth of your emotions that were significant. I've lost it with ds before, sure, but more in a "I'm knackered, tough week, you're getting on my nerves, I can't handle it" kind of thing, whereas your 'losing it' stems from deep disappointment and embarrassment.

I'm with the "he's only 7" camp. He was just being very silly. He wasn't being malicious or abusive. And I'm also baffled as to why the teachers couldn't deal with the situation.

I used to go to a very good private school and when I was about 8, for some reason (I don't even remember doing it) I stole a sharpener from a classmate. The head called my mum in, told her that it was unusual behaviour and that she felt I'd been playing up ever since my dad had been away on a business trip. My mum was obviously very humiliated by the whole thing, she went completely mental - crying and shouting. She'd always had a bit of a temper but I could really sense (and still remember so vividly) how ashamed she was of me, how much she hated me for showing her up, how selfish she thought I was for doing something so terrible and not thinking about how it would affect her. Like your son, I did something silly. Yes it was wrong, but there's a difference between an 8 year old stealing and an adult bank robber. Kids act up. I find it a bit sweet/sad to hear how he is promising you 'big changes'.

I just feel a bit lost and like I don't know my own son. Do you mean he can be unpredictable, difficult to understand and just when you think you got the parenting thing down, he does something to throw you off completely? Yep, that's kids for you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/11/2015 00:21

If your child has ADHD the he has very poor impulse control. Very poor impulse control looks like what you saw at assembly today.

So deal with your concerns around ADHD rather than telling your kid he doesn't meet your expectations. If he has ADHD he can't meet your expectations without a lot of support and help.

And frankly, if you've googled enough to self diagnose, you've googled enough to know that. I shouldn't have to be telling you.

Bakeoffcake · 27/11/2015 00:28

The teacher should have said or done something to stop his silliness. i can't believe several teachers sat there and did nothing. A quiet word in his ear by one of them should have been enough to stop him.

If they can't control him in such a formal setting I wonder what he gets away with in the classroom!

Busyworkingmum71 · 27/11/2015 00:36

Agree with pp that you need to have a ressonable talk with him about acceptable znd non-acceptable behaviours.

On the bright side he might have a bright and lucrative future in stand up comedy. I'd get him enrolled in a drama club/stage school!

roundaboutthetown · 27/11/2015 08:35

It's quite difficult to stand there meekly while your teacher tells the whole world how difficult you have found it to settle in, when all she did with the other children was to wax lyrical. No wonder a bit of him wanted to show the world he didn't care about his consolation prize.

roundaboutthetown · 27/11/2015 08:39

And also how he was settling in and providing excellent entertainment! He did, after all, get his peers to laugh. If it wasn't funny, they wouldn't have been encouraging him...

Nataleejah · 27/11/2015 08:52

I see a stand-up comedian in making...

kerbs · 27/11/2015 10:17

He sounds like a bit of a character, it's just showing off really.

The teacher should have intervened.

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