Lost it tonight with DS

[petitfromage]

Never posted before so please go easy on me.
I have a really lovely 7 yr old DS who I get on well with and am very close to.He's so much fun and great company, love our time together (normally).
He is at a great school and today we were invited to his special assembly where he and 2 other kids in each form get a merit for doing something good. Both me and DH went as they mean a lot to us (you get get one merit assembly per year)
DS has always been last to get a merit every year. He has some level of ADHD and struggles to sit still, concentrate, focus on work etc - school have been very supportive and have done a load of tests with him to try to work out best way to teach him. He has a fantastic form teacher this year and at parents eve I mentioned that he is always last in the form to get a merit as obviously his behaviour in class does not naturally lead to the teacher feeling like he deserves a merit. She said no problem. I'll sort. So we get the letter saying he's getting one now - yay!
All the other kids (3 per form for 3 classes for each year) go up and get their merits. Teachers wax lyrical about how great the kids are, what they did to deserve a merit - great work, help friends, pleasure to be around blah blah blah.... then DS gets called up. DH has phone out to video our moment of pride. Then as lovely teacher starts to say how DS was struggling in yr 3 at first but is really trying hard and settling in brilliantly he starts waving his arms around like he is conducting the audience. Kids all start laughing. He warms to his audience and does it more. Totally ignores teacher and what she is saying about his work. He acts up to the crowd and tbh acts like a complete knob in front of the whole of the juniors, all the teachers and all the parents. Teacher ends up bright red as she has no idea what to do. Head of year has face like thunder. Mortifying doesn't quite cover it.

He then sat down and dicked around (visibly) through the whole of the lords prayer and remainder of assembly.
I know he has some level of ADHD but it isn't that bad. He just acted like a little twat who cares way more about attention and getting everyone to laugh at him than he did about the merit.
I just feel a bit lost and like I don't know my own son.
I totally lost it with him tonight - floods of tears, what the hell were you doing, not worth sending you to that school (it's private and a big expense for us but thought best place for him - now not sure), don't even look at me right now etc etc. Great parenting. He put himself to bed tonight and I was glad as DH is away tonight and I am emotionally exhausted. Feel like totally crap mum. I was school geek and loved my work. I have a DS who I adore but don't understand. WTF was he thinking?? What the hell do I do about this? Ignore? Punish????
Help.

Well i don't think you'll do him any lasting harm having flipped out tonight.

However the teacher should have known what to do!!! She just left him mucking about rather than stopping her speech and telling him to come and stand nicely next to her?

Op, I feel your pain, I have one child who is quite mortifyingly behaving in public, and when she starts waving her arms or being very silly or attracting attention, I feel awful in front of other parents and teachers. It just doesn't feel so bad in your own home.

That said, he was silly and inappropriate, but you have to move on from that now. Tomorrow is another day, and the weekend is an entirely different set of days altogether, don't let it carry on into that.

You have to give the message you won't take that crap in public again, whilst also letting him know you like him and think he's ace. It's a hard thing to get right.

I agree with the person above who said sometimes losing it is the only way children know not to cross that boundary again.

It's not the whole of him though, and you may even laugh about it in years to come (or get the video out on his wedding day).

I think you have went overboard on this.

That's a lot of horrible things to have put in a 7 year olds head.

Yes he behaved badly but why did they adults around him just sit back and let him continue knowing he isn't used to that sort of attention? It should have been nipped in the bud before it became such a big deal.

I understand that everyone loses it but you are letting your own embarrassment get in the way of how to deal with what happened properly.

I am honestly not trying to be a judgy fucker and make you feel bad, but your posts just don't sound right to me.

OP, no it's not normal. Schools couldn't hold those kind of assemblies if a large no of 7 year olds behaved like that!

I think part of our problem with children's behaviour nowadays is bad behaviour has been normalised -especially for boys. As a teacher and mum of boys I see this a lot "oh that's just what boys are like". Nope, it really isn't.

That's not to say I'm diagnosing ADHD - there could be lots of other reasons for his attention seeking behaviour and being in the wrong school could be one of them.

Having worked in prep schools. Teachers are much less likely to chastise children appropriately in front of their parents. In fairness, less likely full stop (differences in different schools but in general)

The staff were probably expecting you to intervene with your own son. To step up and parent when he was behaving like that in front of you. You know, like you would if he did normally?

Are you not thinking that staff and other parents are (wrongly) thinking "no wonder he behaves like that, his parents do nothing.

Perhaps a meeting with his teacher is in order. Ask her what happened and why she didn't stop the behaviours escalating? Is he normally like this with her in class? Is his poor behaviour unchallenged normally?

hairy I'm not honestly sure they do know about referring. From what friends with similar issues in the state system have said they get much more help. One friend moved from private to state for this reason and now get loads of help. I think the problem is he isn't quite bad enough and as your ds did I'm really hoping he'll mature out of it. Just feel a bit shell shocked by what happened.

That's the exact opposite of what I would expect. Surely the teachers are in charge in the school, and if your kid is peeing about, they bring them back into line or even remove them. I would never interfere when in a school assembly, I really have never seen a parent have any disciplining interaction with a child in that situation, and there are some naughty ones.

Usually the parents just glare at them and mouth some ineffective words.

china it was a formal assembly. I was sat at the back on chairs - he was at the front with all the children sat between us and them. There's no way I could intervene without it interrupting everything. There were at least 400 people in the room, not just a few parents and kids! I just don't think anyone quite knew what to do.

Or perhaps this is a private school thing? In a state school the teachers are always the boss in assemblies, the parents all sit on little chairs and keep quiet at the back.

He's 7.

Tbh I think the way you reacted was totally over the top, and may undo some of the pride he had for himself, or that he had felt from you. He sounds like he enjoys being the 'naughty / silly one' and this is something you need to work on - often silly behaviour comes from children with low self esteem, which is why I think your reaction was completely wrong. Look for the good that he does, tell him you're proud, work with school to improve his behaviour, treat him in a way you'd like to see him treat others

I Don't blame you for loosing it. Of course you're mortified. Who wouldn't be. You were made ac Holy show of as was the school. I also feel sorry for his teacher as well. She could be looking forward to a "telling off" from the HT. Hence the face like Thunder. And as for the poster who said .The teacher should have known what to do, but just like parents Teachers are human and dont have all the answers, but yet They're expected to perform miracles and solve everything.
I don't know how to put this but I think you have unintentionally put the teacher under pressure to give your DS the merit that he was and I can't stress these next two words enough , not yet ready to receive, but hey I don't blame you for going up and basically saying "Why has every other child had a merit, and not mine"

I can understand why you're upset but to be completely honest, if the teachers respond with either embarrassment or anger to a child who is at least being considered as having ADHD and acting unusually yet benignly, it doesn't sound like they know how to support him.

I've been in plenty of situations in school where children with additional needs are given additional help to enable them to cope with a situation eg having a member of staff with them, staff intervening promptly. It's actually quite shocking that the teachers weren't able to nip this in the bud when it occurred.

What are they doing to support your son with his learning and social skills? From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you believe that they're doing enough.

I would have dragged him out.

No I'm not sure they do not what to do. He does stand out as not like the other kids and that worries me.
He's very bright and (contrary to what someone said above) he is super confident. This is part of the problem. He thinks he's great - as do all his friends. Esteem is definitely not an issue!
He is honestly an awesome little guy but he really let me down today. Think I'm going to sleep on it and see where we go tomorrow. He told I'm going to see big changes between now and Christmas (he didn't remotely deny he'd been an idiot). Let's see if he's right. And I think I need to talk to teacher about support. If they can't get the best out of him I'll find someone who will.

Id like to put a slightly different angle on this and ask - can you find it in yourself to be proud of your boy for not swallowing all the cringey pat-on-the-head bullshit that teachers come up with for these awards. When I see them in our school I find them manipulative in my heart of hearts, just a coercive way of controlling young minds, preparing them for a life of working for the man doesn't stop me blubbing like a wrong 'un when one of my darlings receives one

I'm glad you are going to talk to the teacher.

She may be lovely but I have no idea why she was unable to stop the whole situation in it's tracks.

Have pm'd you op.

I take it by some one above. You mean me. I never said your DS was not bright Op. I never said he was either. I know nothing about him aside from what you have said on here.
Surely they don't just get these merits for being academic do they. I damn well hope not. What about that child with learning difficulties whose manners behaviour and attitude are impeccable.

Bala -last thing I'm reading before bed is your post. big smile on my face. He totally isn't going to the toe the line and bloody love him for it. Just needed reminding of that. Wouldn't change him apart from for most of today when I wanted to stick my head in a bucket

I appreciate that it was a formal affair but when it became clear that the teacher, the headteacher and every other adult in the room was unwilling to deal with your son's behaviour, your leaving your seat, disrupting his audience and removing your child from his audience would have shocked him, probably enough to ensure he remembered the consequence.

From your current situation, I'd be having a formal meeting with the head and his teacher to ask them what happened and most importantly why they chose to not discipline your child. To also put plans in place for them to manage his behaviour and so you say to them that they have your permission to chastise him when necessary.

OK -he's seven -quite a silly age, a lot of seven year olds will act a bit silly especially if they are in the limelight - it's a reaction to being put in the spotlight - awkwardness, embarrassment, even immature adults do it, if they aren't used to this kind of attention etc. More often it is boys who will act out like this.

So not wildly abnormal behaviour, but sadly what happened is that no one intervened to put him back on the right track, calm him with a word or two and remind him of appropriate behaviour.

I am astonished that the teacher didn't know what to do - all she/he had to do was stop lean down to him say quietly and calmly 'remember your merit is for good behaviour, so make sure you show everyone and your mum and dad what a sensible good boy you can be, I know you can stand really nicely while I tell everyone how well you've done'

yes he was silly - children are, they make mistakes, they do daft stuff - the job of adults is to guide them. Instead he was allowed to go on showing off - of course he continued he was getting a great reaction from his peers. he was badly let down by the adults who's job it is to guide his behaviour.

Please don't let him feel he has let you down or shamed you - he made a mistake, tomorrow is a new day, and you can talk to him about why he felt silly and behaved inappropriately and maybe discuss how he'll approach similar situations. Or you can let it be over and move on. Whatever you decide, he's not a terribly badly behaved little boy - he made a mistake because he's a child. Try to focus in the next few days on the things he gets right and big them up so he feels he has pleased you and doesn't feel to rubbish about it all.

It's not about excusing bad behaviour - it's about understanding it so you can prevent it, and that will be achieved better by providing the child with strategies on dealing with unfamiliar situations.

I'm sorry your son doesn't fit your posh school child stereotype. The way you describe him is disgusting. I have nothing more to say as you lost me at "complete knob" and "little twat". This is your 7 year old son. I have a 7 year old son. I would never ever talk about him in this way and he can really push my buttons.

When I started reading your post I was reminded of me - I have a 7 year old who also may have mild ADD (not H I don't think) issues and who goes to private school. I love him a lot and he's a great kid. Sometimes he has poor impulse control. When I say to him 'Why did you do that?!' about an action that seems completely stupid, he says 'I don't know' and genuinely seems to have no idea.

I did cringe a bit at your treatment of your boy tonight. I know you lost your temper and felt mortified (of course you did!) but he's still so little and some of the things you said to him were awfully harsh (not wanting to take him away with you, not coming to his assembly next year). You've got to remember that really all he did was totally misjudge appropriate behaviour in a situation (which, by the way, is a bit of a classic ADHD thing though I'm not saying he has it). No adults helped to guide him in that situation either. Did the teacher speak to him afterwards.

Like others, I think the biggest failure here is from his teacher or another nearby teacher at the time. She should and could have quickly interrupted her comments to have a quick word with him, even just 'STOP waving your arms please, I don't want to have to change my mind about this!'. No WAY should he have been allowed to continue unchecked.

I'm also quite saddened (again!) by some of the snide comments about private schools, particularly from 'Unknown' who said: Sounds like he's not quite the private school geek you wanted. - absolutely horrible comment which says that the OP doesn't want her child the way he is because she felt embarrassed by one incident, and that private school children are 'geeks'.