To leave out one person from the NCT group?

[HTKB]

NCed as identifiable under usual username.

There are 8 of us from our NCT group that have kept in touch over the years.... DC are now four. Of the 8, five of us are very close, DC at same schools, live very near to each other, and we socialise in various combinations including nights out, DHs go out together, we've had a holiday etc. Of the remaining 3 one moved far away but we still see her occasionally.

Anyway it's the time of year that all the birthdays are coming up. DH and I are doing a joint party for my DS and one of the other DCs from the group as we've done for the last three years. This year we've booked an activity that costs £10/head and we can invite twenty children. What with the NCT kids, plus family friends and nursery/school friends we had 19.

So we have a bit of a quandary about whether to invite the other 2 DC from the NCT. One of the mums I just don't get on with and never have. We're pleasant enough to each other but I can't bear more than five minutes with her. I've seen her three times this year, my DS doesn't know her DS from Adam. She does make a bit of an effort to meet up though and has recently been saying to other party mum she feels left out of the group so other party mum has invited her.

The last NCT mum is a lovely woman, very pleasant and we've always got on. She's very child centred and doesn't drive so often finds it hard to get to meet ups. She's frequently very very late for things turning up as we're leaving which can be awkward. I've seen her three times this year and each time she's been well over two hours late. Another friend hosted a party a month ago and she turned up fifteen minutes before the end. Each bday party she's turned up half an hour or so before the end. As it's turned out she's now going to be the only NCT mum not invited. I feel bad about this as she's lovely but again, my DS doesn't really know her child and I'm reluctant to spend a tenner on an activity I know her child won't get to do as she'll be very very late.

So AIBU to leave one out? We see her so rarely (and she never ever initiates meet ups) I'm not sure how bothered she'll be but not sure whether to approach her first and explain or just leave it? I don't like leaving people out. I have one left to RSVP and if they decline I could invite left out Mum but I can think of ten other children my DS would rather see.... Just don't know. help!

BikeRunSki I understand what you mean. Some people will only socialise with those who live extremely nearby. I would happily travel four miles to see a friend.

Bikerunski are those honestly people you want to make the effort to see? They sound pretty small minded, unless it's a practical issue of no transport to your village. (Although I would imagine most who could afford NCT prices would have a car!)

I don't socialise with them anymore (children are 7 now), but it hurt when I realised that I wasn't really part of the crowd. Transport not an issue amongst them ! One is heiress to a very well known household name business.

I have a very good group of friends made at Surestart.

I will go against the grain here and say don't invite her. We were in an NCT group of 7, and 4 of us have made an effort to keep in touch with the group while the other 3 weren't really that interested (2 of them were very close to each other though). They never initiated contact with any of us four (but plenty with each other) and rarely came to group events. We stopped bothering to invite them to anything after they couldn't make it at any point in December for a 2nd Xmas party.

They seem perfectly happy with their own lives and friends (still see them in passing on FB) so I feel no guilt whatsoever.

I don't see the big deal in not inviting her tbh. Who knows maybe she will feel relieved not to be asked to come.

I wouldn't invite her. Her child isn't friends with yours anyway and she'll be late.

Lateness is ok if its a few minutes or as a one off you're very late but to be consistently late by an hour or more is very rude and it will lose you friends.

Idefix, why have you posted

Is there some problem with chatting about things? Isn't this one of the prime purposes of this site, to mull things over with people?

FFS, this isn't obedience training.

Jux but this isn't posted on "chat" it is on AIBU...
Personally I don't get why the op would want to "chat" about what she decided to do about her...umm dilemma? Seems to me that it is more of a oh look at me I am in the clique and NCT mummy thread is not. Seems quite sad to me.

It's an unpopular view on MN as there seem to be so many offended posters being 'left out' by school mums etc, but in my RL I have no qualms 'leaving people out' of social arrangements if I don't like them or they wouldn't fit in with the event or people.

Of course like most decent folk, I don't like to hurt feelings or offend so I'd never be unpleasant or glaringly exclusive.

I just don't expected to be invited to everything myself even if other friends in the group are. Doesn't bother me, I get that people have their reasons.

I also don't expect everyone to like me!

It can hurt momentarily to be left out in this way but quite honestly, it probably has more to do with people feeling a little vulnerable in the face of life transitions in general and the sooner you can get a grip and see it for the petty overthinking to which it amounts, the better ... and that applies to both sides of the game

i would invite her but just talk to the others that you do like. Someone probably likes her and will talk to her.

I would invite her, but stress it's important that she's on time. As someone else said, someone else is bound to be sick or drop out so I don't think finding a place will be an issue.

I would invite her, as she is the only one being excluded. That hurts, however old or grown up we are.

It's a tenner. Suck it up.

I wouldn't invite as it is DS party, not yours! It should be up to him who comes, not your mates and whichever kids happen to be attached to them.

I would invite her

I wouldn't invite anyone who hadn't turned up to 27/30 things I'd invited her to, turned up late when she did and didn't invite me to anything. It's masochism!

I wouldn't invite her. Firstly because you don't have room. Secondly because even if you do have extra spaces, there are people your DS would rather invite. Thirdly, because the constant lateness is beyond rude and I would imagine that it indicates that she doesn't actually want to spend time with you anyway.

If you feel bad about it, just message her (as a pp suggested) saying that you don't have enough places to offer one to her DC, so sorry, hope we can all meet up soon etc.

YANBU and I am surprised at the hard time you have had on here!

If you want her to come, invite her two hour earlier than the party starts; if you don't want her to come, and to save a tenner, invite her for half an hour late (or on time). I think it's really unpleasant leaving just one person out of any group, I'm afraid.

Having read the whole thread I don't think YABU. It's unlikely she will come from the sound of it and if she does arrive she is almost definitely going to be late, so why try? It would be different if her Ds knew yours well, but they don't. You would only be inviting her out of pity as opposed to her being a real friend to you or your DS, that sounds incredibly harsh but from your posts that seems the case. If you are really worried about it message her, but if it were me I wouldn't bother, if you have invited her out 30 times this year but only seen her 3 times you can hardly call yourselves mates.

Invite everyone! You're being unreasonable to assume all 20 will rsvp yes, let alone actually turn up. Always slightly over invite. 21 would be fine.

Yabu. Dont be so clique and exclusive. How would you feel if you and your children were austracised.

OP, is she constantly late when meeting up with the other mum (the one you don't get on with), or does she manage to make it on time/early to meet with her?

Dont invite.
I did an nhs antenatal class about 7 of us would then meet up.
Most dropped out when they went back to work after 6-8m.
But now they all meet up for the kids birthday parties, to which im not invited. It is annoying. But they dont have to invite me. I think even more annoying as i was one available and trying to keep the group going.
A bit like a pp a couple of us live in a different village and that seems to be enough to be cut out. Especially if you dont have a car.
Public transport isnt easy with kid (s).
I wish the nhs one had focussed on a group of people being nearer to each other. Because others are already in groups its hard to break in.
Nobody has to invite someone, especially if the pther person doesnt value it

I'm keen to include people - have always had whole class parties for that reason. But this is a children's event so the 'don't leave her out' argument just doesn't apply. If it was a mums' night out it would, but the question is really is it mean to leave her DC out and as your DS hardly knows them, then no! In fact, why not organise a mums' get together that you can invite her to? Then the party becomes a non-issue.

I also think Bubble's idea is good. I have never either been to or hosted a party where every single child expected showed up. There are always last minute illnesses etc.