To leave out one person from the NCT group?

[HTKB]

NCed as identifiable under usual username.

There are 8 of us from our NCT group that have kept in touch over the years.... DC are now four. Of the 8, five of us are very close, DC at same schools, live very near to each other, and we socialise in various combinations including nights out, DHs go out together, we've had a holiday etc. Of the remaining 3 one moved far away but we still see her occasionally.

Anyway it's the time of year that all the birthdays are coming up. DH and I are doing a joint party for my DS and one of the other DCs from the group as we've done for the last three years. This year we've booked an activity that costs £10/head and we can invite twenty children. What with the NCT kids, plus family friends and nursery/school friends we had 19.

So we have a bit of a quandary about whether to invite the other 2 DC from the NCT. One of the mums I just don't get on with and never have. We're pleasant enough to each other but I can't bear more than five minutes with her. I've seen her three times this year, my DS doesn't know her DS from Adam. She does make a bit of an effort to meet up though and has recently been saying to other party mum she feels left out of the group so other party mum has invited her.

The last NCT mum is a lovely woman, very pleasant and we've always got on. She's very child centred and doesn't drive so often finds it hard to get to meet ups. She's frequently very very late for things turning up as we're leaving which can be awkward. I've seen her three times this year and each time she's been well over two hours late. Another friend hosted a party a month ago and she turned up fifteen minutes before the end. Each bday party she's turned up half an hour or so before the end. As it's turned out she's now going to be the only NCT mum not invited. I feel bad about this as she's lovely but again, my DS doesn't really know her child and I'm reluctant to spend a tenner on an activity I know her child won't get to do as she'll be very very late.

So AIBU to leave one out? We see her so rarely (and she never ever initiates meet ups) I'm not sure how bothered she'll be but not sure whether to approach her first and explain or just leave it? I don't like leaving people out. I have one left to RSVP and if they decline I could invite left out Mum but I can think of ten other children my DS would rather see.... Just don't know. help!

I don't think it's a big deal really. If she is likely to not come anyway, then just invite her. If she surprises you and accepts, then you could have the conversation about being late being a bit of an issue as it's an activity. All sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Next year just say it's school friends only.

Dont invite late mum
If she cant be bothered to turn up on time ,why should you bother to invite her

I'd invite the one who is always late but say she must be on time etc for her child to get the value.

The other one you clearly dislike and don't get on with her so no invite for her.

I think you are being disingenuous. The original friendship had been between the NCT group and not the kids and she would know if she hadn't got the invite that it was about her. The kids surely don't notice/don't mind whether someone is late (bearing in mind there will be lots of other children, and if they understand that X has a more difficult journey involving public transport so might be late. (Can I ask why no one in the group gives her/child a lift to group meet ups by the way?) Or arranges to meet in places which are convenient to everyone?
The argument over £10 in the context of a party where you are still spending over £200 doesn't seem a particularly strong point.

I really really think that you should consider long and hard, the effect that this could have on the friendship group that you are both part of if she is not invited, she then looks like an injured party if she isn't invited to a party that everyone else is.
You really risk looking like a bad guy here all for £10.
Please consider this before making any rash decisions.

Personally I would err on the side out caution and give someone the invite, but if she didn't turn up on time I would have words with her of some sort.

Yes zzzzz... If she was always on time OR the kids knew/liked each other OR she'd made any effort to keep in touch I would have invited her. It's all three together that makes me feel like I'm flogging a dead horse (who's hours late).

It must be great to be one of the five.

How hard it must be for the other two.

I agree with a pp, a four year old is unlikely to want to come to a party where they know no one. Mine (who are very sociable) hate it when they have to because I know the parents. I wouldn't bother but maybe do a whole group adults drinks instead soon?

Oh just seen your second post....

I'd say it started earlier. Also as she doesn't drive could someone give her a lift on the way maybe?

hols we did at the beginning but now we all have two children none of us have cars big enough for four car seats and two adults. We live In a big bustling part of London where buses are very five minutes and meet ups were always as convenient as it's possible to be.

Unreasonablebetty.... That won't be an issue, honestly. I'm the last one still batting for this mum, the others lost patience an awful long time ago.

No zzzzzz, please read again.

I think what I'd do going forward though.... You say you've seen both mums three times in past year.... Maybe for next year it's time to curtail the friendships completely or you'll end up staying in touch for NCT past happy times sakes which of course, they're not part of now etc....

Unless you're happy to see them 3 x a year, not get on with 1 at all and find the other one annoying as she's so late...l

I honestly feel I've really tried to keep in touch and a friendship going.

Hols I feel that's a tad dramatic. They have other friends, jobs, family etc, as do we all! They aren't sitting at home crying about not seeing us.

Amen to that Sheba.

The whole NCT thing seems a very unnatural way to carry out friendships. It seems equal parts clique (man, I was a pariah at baby signing for not being part of the NCT set!) and in-fighting. Someone always gets ostracised.

Look OP, I can understand why you don't want to waste an invite on this woman. If you can handle the potential fall out, then go ahead.

If the rest of your friendship group have genuinely lost all patience and interest, then shes not likely to find out in the same way...

I hope not! But surely you understand why even if people do have lives outsde your NCT group (joke), it would hurt to be the excluded one?

Can you not be slightly empathetic?

I have been the excluded one, because I didn't drive, had a sick child when all the others were fine (thankfully better). And yes I did have a life outside the group. But yes it did hurt. And I think if you are one of the club it can be hard to recognise that.

I am not quite sure why you posted, as you have dismissed all other viewpoints.

If she's always late and presumably doesn't have much time to socialise with the friendship group at meet ups, I don't think she can feel annoyed about being left out. She excludes herself by being unreasonably late all the time. Will she actually find out she's the only one not invited? Does she talk to the others? If not I wouldn't have any qualms about not inviting her.

If you feel guilty about not inviting her, I agree with telling her in advance (gently) that it's not okay to be late to this particular event as you'll be paying for the space.

Is it possible there's a reason for her lateness that she might need support with though? If there isn't, life's too short to keep up with people who can't be bothered.

(btw I don't think YBU regarding not changing your mind immediately, don't worry about being misunderstood - it happens to all of us at some point because internet forums are devoid of tone of voice!)

OP l think yabu but l also think you're not going to invite her, you just genuinely wanted to know if it was a horrible thing to do.

NCT group in my area were just unpleasant. When I was fat and scared with a new born...199..? They were "quite nice". When I got fit again had another baby then another, kept fit and it changed. I was called OCD and more. I went back to work and they berated me. They came for coffee mornings and despite the rubbish instant coffee they served my fresh coffee was hard to swallow because my house was ' oh, is this it?'.
I'm now older and wiser; still fit and healthy ... They generally aren't. Be you, your DC will make real friends . Follow your gut!

I suppose, going deeper with it, I also feel a bit fed up.... I have invited her out/to my house/to lunch about thirty times this year. She's accepted three times and invited me somewhere 0 times. At what point do you think someone doesn't want to spend time with you? I'd be really pissed off actually if someone thought I was the bad guy for not inviting her somewhere ONE TIME when I'm yet to receive an invite or idea to meet up with her in 2015....