To leave out one person from the NCT group?

[HTKB]

NCed as identifiable under usual username.

There are 8 of us from our NCT group that have kept in touch over the years.... DC are now four. Of the 8, five of us are very close, DC at same schools, live very near to each other, and we socialise in various combinations including nights out, DHs go out together, we've had a holiday etc. Of the remaining 3 one moved far away but we still see her occasionally.

Anyway it's the time of year that all the birthdays are coming up. DH and I are doing a joint party for my DS and one of the other DCs from the group as we've done for the last three years. This year we've booked an activity that costs £10/head and we can invite twenty children. What with the NCT kids, plus family friends and nursery/school friends we had 19.

So we have a bit of a quandary about whether to invite the other 2 DC from the NCT. One of the mums I just don't get on with and never have. We're pleasant enough to each other but I can't bear more than five minutes with her. I've seen her three times this year, my DS doesn't know her DS from Adam. She does make a bit of an effort to meet up though and has recently been saying to other party mum she feels left out of the group so other party mum has invited her.

The last NCT mum is a lovely woman, very pleasant and we've always got on. She's very child centred and doesn't drive so often finds it hard to get to meet ups. She's frequently very very late for things turning up as we're leaving which can be awkward. I've seen her three times this year and each time she's been well over two hours late. Another friend hosted a party a month ago and she turned up fifteen minutes before the end. Each bday party she's turned up half an hour or so before the end. As it's turned out she's now going to be the only NCT mum not invited. I feel bad about this as she's lovely but again, my DS doesn't really know her child and I'm reluctant to spend a tenner on an activity I know her child won't get to do as she'll be very very late.

So AIBU to leave one out? We see her so rarely (and she never ever initiates meet ups) I'm not sure how bothered she'll be but not sure whether to approach her first and explain or just leave it? I don't like leaving people out. I have one left to RSVP and if they decline I could invite left out Mum but I can think of ten other children my DS would rather see.... Just don't know. help!

It has to end somewhere. Just don't invite her, her flakiness, never reciprocating invites, kids don't know each other doesn't sound like any good reason to drag this out further.

Besides its a kids party not an NCT meetup so no need to feel bad.

YANBU. Don't feel obliged to invite her.

I was in an NCT group. All every nice people, we met every week while we were on maternity leave. Then one by one we went back to work, kids got older, started different schools etc - and the group fizzled out.

I still have a few of them as Facebook friends, and I can see that some of them still meet up. I am never invited and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. As pleasant as they all are, I didn't click with any of them enough to become real friends. NCT was a phase in my life and now I've moved on. It sounds as if the woman who's late has moved on too, it doesn't sound as if she's particularly fussed about keeping in touch (multiple invitations declined, none initiated, always very late).

Anyway, would she ever actually find out? Does she look at Facebook?

So invite her, she's most likely going to say no since she's already declined 27/30 and next year do school friends/close friends only.

I'd invite her just so it's not excluding her, I wouldn't of invited her if the other mum hadn't been invited.

Do you know what, this is your DS's party, and he barely knows who her child is. It should be about his friends, not the mums friendships.

I can see your point OP, I would not want to pay £10 a head for someone you know isn't going to be there until the very end. Usually when there is a thread on paying per head, posters are very much on the side of not wasting a place and getting annoyed with people who don't turn up. I can't see this is any different.

The fact that she doesn't initiate any meet up, barely turns up, will be very late when she does and your child doesn't know who hers is does possibly means that she isn't that bothered anymore. Everyone else is fed up, she must be getting the message.

She would find out, she speaks a bit to mum I don't like and we're all in loose touch in a Facebook group. I wouldn't hide it anyway as I do think that's horrible when it inevitably comes out. Mum I don't like and late mum both went to a group over the summer to make mum friends despite lots of declined/ignored invites from our group... The more I think about it the more I think we're being phased out.....

I don't want it to come across as any sort of statement though as it genuinely isn't. I don't think she'll be bothered about not being invited per se, but she would if she thought it was a statement of our feelings, which it totally isn't.... Just that the friendship is drifting and it seems silly to keep flogging it.

I think you should invite her.

Don't invite her. Her flakiness is very rude, you invited her to events on numerous occasions, which she has declined, she has been considerably late to events. I would not invite her to the party. The consequence of her tardiness, is that people won't bother with her.

And like someone else said earlier, this is a reminder that it isn't so bad that I didn't do NCT. What a lot of angst! Haven't read the full thread, but OP, you must have spent more than £10 of your time agonising on the invitation now!

I shall remind myself of this when I'm feeling lonely in my new town where lots of new mums meet up with their NCT "gangs" (I kid you not, that is how they refer to them) and don't seem to feel the need to make other friends or invite anyone into the "gang".

lili that is so true!!! What with this and deciding who to invite from nursery I'm a bloody wreck!

Anyway, of the five who are now close, 2 weren't NCT but adopted later.... And we're all busy making new school gate friends too so please don't feel we're cliquey... We just all really get on!

If I am late to events it is usually because I have been dreading going to them. She clearly isn't popular amongst the nct mums (hasn't genuinely clicked with more than one of them), so probably doesn't actually want to meet up. It can be hard to be polite and sensitive when things are fizzling out. I would message and say you have made a booking for 20 but just want her to know it's nothing personal but you had to leave quite a few people off the list, and hope she doesn't mind as if you invited her then you would need to invite others and the party could end up costing a fortune.

It is a children's party, and it should be about the children's friends, not whoever you were at antenatal with. How old are the kids?

However if she will be very hurt to be the only one excluded, and if you genuinely still want to be friends, i would invite her this time. Lateness and a tenner - pfft - tell her it starts an hour earlier...

I would invite her, but I would also have a word with her about her chronic lateness...

Don't invite her. It's not an NCT thing, it's a kids party and your kids aren't friends, besides you rarely see her, she doesn't make the effort and when she does she turns up really late. She probably won't care.

If she does care and it gets mentioned, then you just say that your child doesn't really know her child.

I'd invite her. Call her up and explain your concern about time keeping and that cost is involved. She does seem to show up, just late. Maybe she's really struggling. I couldn't leave one person out especially not for a tenner.

Id invite her. I'd also send my DH to give her a lift in the car.

...... but I would also have a word with her about her chronic lateness...

OP, has she ever been called on her lateness? What is her excuse? Is she clueless as to how rude it is to constantly be so late?

Ok I have the answer for you.

Invite her, but do not up the numbers you've paid for at the venue. So still only pay for 20.

It is very, very unlikely that all 21 will turn up on time in full! For a start this friend will be massively late and for another thing one of those 21 tiny kids is likely to be ill this time of year.

I'm a party veteran and always pay for 1 or 2 less than I expect. In the event they all turn up, you just pay the extra on the day to the venue, tell the venue host someone didn't RSVP but then turned up. They are used to it.

You are overthinking the going over numbers thing honestly. These kids are 4. 21 x4yo will not be different from 20x 4yo and you just blame it on an invite bugger up and squash them up round the food table. Just make sure you have 21x party bag.

I would invite her but I would point out that if its going to be difficult to get to on time/at all- then to let you know as its expensive per child.

Problem is that they charge in bands and 21-30 children is £300. I may contact him though to see if there is any wiggle room!

She's never been called on her lateness per se but she's always so flustered, upset and apologetic that it's seemed very hard to bring it up....

What Bubble said. They won't all come anyway, so invite her but don't pay for the place. Someone turning up 10 mins before the end probably wouldn't fuss the venue anyway, I doubt they'd notice.

I think habitual extreme lateness can really, really piss you off and I understand that. It's disrespectful and it's weird that people can't learn to just sort themselves out earlier. I have a friend like that and it's really an issue. (Especially the weeknight I babysat for her! Grrrr) But if she's nice and you don't want to risk hurting her, you should invite her. Just do the above.

Have read full thread - even forgetting about the lateness (rude btw) don't invite her and don't waste any more time feeling guilty about it. She and mum you don't like are friends and make time to see each other, presumably on time, and without inviting the rest of you. You owe her nothing actually. Don't waste another second on it!

You have this x factor judge style way of thinking which is quite annoying tbh, except that there is a point to their dithering.

From my NCT group, I am the one that lives in a different village to the majority. It's only 4 miles away, but it may aswell be on a different planet as far as they're concerned. I try to keep in touch, offer to go over, meet locally, by that clique is now well and truly impenetrable. It stings - I'd invite her.