To leave out one person from the NCT group?

[HTKB]

NCed as identifiable under usual username.

There are 8 of us from our NCT group that have kept in touch over the years.... DC are now four. Of the 8, five of us are very close, DC at same schools, live very near to each other, and we socialise in various combinations including nights out, DHs go out together, we've had a holiday etc. Of the remaining 3 one moved far away but we still see her occasionally.

Anyway it's the time of year that all the birthdays are coming up. DH and I are doing a joint party for my DS and one of the other DCs from the group as we've done for the last three years. This year we've booked an activity that costs £10/head and we can invite twenty children. What with the NCT kids, plus family friends and nursery/school friends we had 19.

So we have a bit of a quandary about whether to invite the other 2 DC from the NCT. One of the mums I just don't get on with and never have. We're pleasant enough to each other but I can't bear more than five minutes with her. I've seen her three times this year, my DS doesn't know her DS from Adam. She does make a bit of an effort to meet up though and has recently been saying to other party mum she feels left out of the group so other party mum has invited her.

The last NCT mum is a lovely woman, very pleasant and we've always got on. She's very child centred and doesn't drive so often finds it hard to get to meet ups. She's frequently very very late for things turning up as we're leaving which can be awkward. I've seen her three times this year and each time she's been well over two hours late. Another friend hosted a party a month ago and she turned up fifteen minutes before the end. Each bday party she's turned up half an hour or so before the end. As it's turned out she's now going to be the only NCT mum not invited. I feel bad about this as she's lovely but again, my DS doesn't really know her child and I'm reluctant to spend a tenner on an activity I know her child won't get to do as she'll be very very late.

So AIBU to leave one out? We see her so rarely (and she never ever initiates meet ups) I'm not sure how bothered she'll be but not sure whether to approach her first and explain or just leave it? I don't like leaving people out. I have one left to RSVP and if they decline I could invite left out Mum but I can think of ten other children my DS would rather see.... Just don't know. help!

Op you've clearly made your mind up that it is reasonable to leave her out so why bother posting?

Invite her, but don't pay for a place, she'll turn up too late anyway win-win .

I think YABU. And that's from someone whose child's party was 5 days ago, and who is still raging at the huge number of people who were really, really late.

£100 on a party?

I'd ask her if she thought she could be on time, and if the answer was yes, I'd ask them.

Invite her.

I think you have already decided not to invite her and would like us to agree with you to make you feel better/less guilty? Therefore it doesn't really matter what we think as you won't invite her anyway. Next year they will only want their actual friends anyway when they move out of reception.

Ok op, I think you made up your mind not to invite her. In those circumstances I would not, instead of meeting with your NCT group, just meet those that yiu particularly gel with, distance from her.

You can't leave just one person out. And if there are twenty people going I can't see how one person you're not keen on can make that much difference. People who are always chronically late are not lovely. They are selfish pain in the necks. But you must do what you see fit.

I like the idea of telling her the start time is 90 mins earlier.
Make sure everyone else knows that's what you've told her so they don't "correct" her.

When I was at college we used to have to do this for one friend because she was physically incapable of being on time (only half an hour in her case)

Well, see my earlier suggestion of telling her it starts before it does. But as others have pointed out, she will feel cut off and isolated if she isn't invited and possibly losing £10 seems a pretty small price to pay to avoid that. If you don't want to, then don't but don't expect me (or the vast majority of other posters) to validate that decision for you

PS: I will guarantee that you get people dropping out at the last moment or no-showing so you might as well invite a couple more.

It doesn't take long for people to get really cross on here does it?

I'm reading all the replies, loads of interesting points, I'm just trying to explain more why I feel the way I do, trying to explore it a bit I guess. Just conversation. Or is that not how it works? Should I just immediately say yes you're right within 26 minutes of posting an OP?

So you've decided you're not unreasonable (even though you are). What was the point in posting? Really, why bother?

Nickel I don't think that's a good idea, why should they treat her like some child when she's an adult and is very rude for pitching up late.

I would ask her if she can confirm that she is going to be on time as you don't want late walk-ins. If she can't commit then you know what to do.

Because she really might have problems with timekeeping.

Will she find out?

How about phoning her and telling her that you want to invite but that you have noticed that's she keeps being late and would it be possible for her come on time as you don't want to waste the money. No need to be rude or 'P A'ish just honest.

I think it's ok to not invite everyone and to stop doing things as a group but I think it's a bit off to not invite just one person.

I haven't decided that msgrinch I posted about twenty minutes ago so I still feel I'm in conversation about it. Or do you immediately change your mind on everything when a stranger tells you to?

When 30ish people say the same thing to me, I listen.

yanbu

Yes Pillocks I'd like to do that. I'm also not sure if she's trying to cool the friendship down and we/I are just not getting it and keep inviting her to things for the sake of appearances when actually it's just run it's course. She hasn't initiated anything for a year and has only turned up to three things that have been organised by someone else.

OP

How would you feel if you were the one left out person......

You're trying hard to be kind, possibly she'd be grateful not to be invited.

She may be flakey or she's moved on.

You're overthinking it

Chill and enjoy your child's birthday

I'd be fine lord. Two years ago I would have been hurt but the kids know each other now.... I'd assume it was about them and not me.

Like others have already said why have you posted? Apart from because you have already not invited this person and are now feeling guilty?

It is unlikely that we can say anything to ease your feelings of guilt, you will just have to thought it out now you have made your decision.

But since you have posted and asked, yes yabu or at least not very friendly, but as was said on another thread today we can't/shouldn't force you to be friends with this mum.

It doesn't sound like you're properly friends, nice though she is - after 4 years is the NCT group even still a relevant thing? DD2 is 6m so I would feel left out if the others did something without me but in 3.5 years I think I would be okay with it!

And if your dc aren't really friends, now they're 4, I think that's ok. Again, a first bday party, that would be rude, but would a 4yo even want to go to a party where they don't properly know the others?

I would invite her. You might be fine about being excluded from something OP but you don't know how this woman might feel. It's only a tenner to lose if they don't turn up or are very late, so I would just invite them!