To tell DD she can pay for her own activities from now on?

[BerylStreep]

She is 10. I am fed up with paying for activities that she becomes bored with. Over the years we have had Brownies, Tennis lessons, Ballet, and now gymnastics - each time she tries it for a bit then gets bored, or finds it too difficult, partly because she doesn't go to most of the lessons.

So WIBU to tell DD that she must pay for any new activities she wants to take up? I have already told her that she needs to pay for any lesson that she doesn't attend.

She has lots of money that she has saved, and plenty of opportunity to earn money at home doing chores.

Well of course you can do as you like. But I would not make my child pay. I would allow her a set number of new activities to try and if she lost interest after a suitable time of persevering I would allow her to drop them. It is part of learning about life.

If you can't afford to pay for the classes, she can't start them.

My dd has tried about between 7 activities and 7 years, between the age of 3/4 and 10/11, so about one a year. The only ones she really stuck with were Rainbows, Brownies and Guides (I am counting them as three separate entities in my list of 7). Of the 7 there was only about one thing she expressly showed a lot of interest in before starting and that was ballet, but it was too hard and she was too young, I wish we had waited to start her. The others she tried because we suggested them.

I think after school clubs are not really 'lessons' and should not be taught as such. So if you are talking about activities I would see them as different from, say music classes.

If she wants to stop, why not just stop. I think at that age they should be allowed to try load of things and start to find the things they really like.

We have done it all. Cubs, football, cricket, fencing, swimming, music, climbing, skiing, drama. They got keen on stuff and as they grew up their tastes changed. DS2 even gave up on climbing a week after making the national finals for the 2nd year running because it had become a slog (for both of us).

I now have one older teen who is a really good skier and guitar player and one who is brilliant at drama and debating. I used to encourage them to go to stuff, but if they really don't enjoy it and don't want to, does it really matter? Agree with the comment about middle class parenting though, you almost feel like you are failing if you don't try to produce 'well rounded' kids

Also look for something with long term goals, potential and that she can excel in or just for fun. Gym is a tricky one joining at 10 years (other children will have been competing for years already), as is dance. Though neither impossible with lots of dedication and hard work.

When she is ten, it is your responsibility to chivvy her along on the days she is reluctant.

My DS1 is only 7, but he understands now that if he commits to something then he can't just not turn up. We have had a few 'oh can't I just miss this week' about a couple of his activities - but if you are in a team, or have a part in a play - or people are giving up their time for free to teach you a sport or a skill then you go unless you are really unwell.

The reluctance is coming less and less as time goes on and he can see that he is progressing and achieving at things.

I really think you are doing your daughter a disservice - you have to instil sticking power in her if it doesn't come naturally.

You need to stop letting her flake out.

If you can't make her go then use her money for the ones she misses. You're hsppy to pay for activities she actually does but if she can't be bothered then she pays. I would implement this even if you haven't actually had to pay.

I agree with most people.
She's 10. You are the parent.
You explain to her that she is committed to going to the end of term (or a convenient stopping point - whatever notice period seems appropriate), and then she tells the coach / teacher / leader that she doesn't want to come anymore, and she can stop.
Trying to make her pay for the lessons won't mean anything to her, as it's not like she's earning the money at that age so wouldn't miss it.
It's an opportunity to teach her about commitment.

Is she a perfectionist? It might be that she's panicking because she can't do the activity well. I agree you should make her go until the term (or whatever you've paid for) is up

We've had our share of this starting and wanting to quit over the years. I told my oldest if he quit half way through the lessons/classes whatever, then he'd have to pay me back half of the cost. Seemed to work with him. He'd moan that all his football games seemed to be during saturday morning cartoons he wanted to watch, but he'd dress and go, moping all the way and cheered up once he arrived.
Dd did it with dance and made it through two years with an occasional I'm bored/fed up/don't want to go.
Then she signed herself up for the local panto. She committed to 12 weeks of weekly rehearsals. By week 8 or 9 she wanted to quit. She made it through and the week of the show said never again. Day after the last performance, she wanted to do it again.
I only allow one activity at a time now or they seem to get overwhelmed with it on top of homework and family commitments.

Out of your list of Brownies, ballet, tennis and gymnastics it isn't really surprising she has given things up. Ballet in particular tends to be something you grow out of by 10. As a child I got through ballet, Girls Brigade, horse riding, drama, ballet, swimming, St John's Ambulance and 4 different musical instruments. Of these I only stuck at 3 longterm - piano, horse riding and Girls Brigade. I don't think 4 activities by age 10 is so unusual.

Why does she miss so many sessions? I used to tell my mum I hated everything, she'd drag me along and then I had a brilliant time. Until next week when I claimed I hated it...

I love the 3 more sessions before you can quit idea - would make it clear whether she really does hate it or not. And you need to be clear she goes to all the sessions once signed up.

Seriously just bundle her in the car and make her go when she says she can't be bothered or its boring. You aren't setting her good life lessons, if you let it chances are this attitude will transfer to secondary school, college, job and beyond (as seen in my extremely useless friend who was raised up the same way)

I'm also not undestanding the not going?

If you are signed up and paid for 6 weeks/a term you take her. You have paid money and she has made a commitment, she will be letting others down and it is rude to the organiser/leader not to go.

Very occasionally DD almost 10 will say she can't be bothered going but I give her no option and she enjoys it when there.

My mother stopped paying for music lessons for me because the teacher told her I wasn't practicing enough. (Fair cop) When I later wanted to take up another instrument, she let me only on condition that I paid for my first year of lessons - I did, practiced every day, and continued to play until I left school- parting with your own cash tends to focus the mind!

I also encourage DD to tell the teacher if she is not going to be there due to a school commitment etc (and make sure the message has got there) as it is a good lesson to learn you don't just fail to turn up.

Could timing be an issue eg would going straight from school help rather than her getting comfy at home and not wanting to go.

If I have paid up front for something then dd 9yo goes, i am not in a position to waste money. Dd tried gymnastics, after a few lessons didn't want to go anymore. I said fine but I have paid up to the end of term so you will be going until then but i won't rebook. Yes she moaned a bit but tough, I was the same with zumba!!

Ridiculous to let her decide imo, if you have paid for it then yes drag her there!!

Dd quite often does the kids parkrun local ti us, she never wants to do it but I think running is good for her so take her anyway. She is always pleased she has done it after wards.

Nothing is fun unless you are good at it.

Sticking it out for a term means some achievement and improvement increasing the fun, so I tend to insist on finishing a term before dropping it.

You can make her go you say get in the car you are going why are you letting her dictate stuff dont sign her up for stuff let het be bored at home bloody cheaper.

Thats what i used to do make them do the term basically what id paid for

Now I feel a bit guilty and as if I have been too hard on her. She is really conscientious at school - works very hard, and has a major exam coming up on Saturday, so it could be a combination of stress and tiredness (although that couldn't be said for Brownies, tennis or ballet).

Gymnastics is the only activity she does now, with the exception of being in the school choir, so it's not as if we are rushing her from one activity to another.

She was being bullied at school, so I was pleased when she wanted to go to gymnastics as I thought it would give her a bit of confidence and the chance to be with other people her own age from outside school.

Just gee her along play it term by term making her pay is a bit ott but letting her be flakey and non comital (not the word im looking for) isnt doing her anygood either

DS is 10, we have done: piano, karate, water polo, rugby, tennis, street dance, football and gymnastics- all without long term success.

He has stuck with scouting (about 5 years now) and swimming (6 years) and is enjoying drumming. I think it can take a while to find your "thing". I was 13 when I found mine (brass instrument, many happy years in a brass band).

Trying stuff is great. But you need ground rules - anything paid for must be gone to till the end of term unless ill. Each term she should choose whether to do another term or not. Her choice. But again, no skiving off.
Nothing is more annoying for volunteer club leaders than kids who are flakey about turning up for no good reason.

YABU to make her pay.
My ds was flaky with activities so I stopped altogether for a while (about 6 months or so) and then told him any new ones had to be committed to for at least a year. No flaking out. He has pushed though the "bored of it now" stage and is really getting into the two activities that he chose.
I would totally recommend the "try it or a year/term/course" approach. It is good for children to see a commitment through and also to appreciate the effort put in by those organising the activities.

Don't make her pay- that will just teach her that she can pay her way out of things, which isn't great. Plus, if she's got a lot of money, the chances are that it won't mean anything to her anyway.

You need to get her to go each week, really, unless she's ill otherwise she'll never reap the benefits of working hard at something and she will consistently see things as not worth the effort.

Good luck!

From the perspective of someone that runs these type of activities:

Dealing with an unreliable family (and yes she's 10 so it is down to you more than her even if only 60\40) is frustrating.

It's disrespectful to the people running it - even if they're being paid, unless it's their business they're probably not being paid much, and doing it out of live of the activity and to give back to a community you and your dd are part of. Even more true if they're volunteers.

Most have a waiting list so your child could be taking the place of another child more interested and more committed.

Depending on the activity it affects the others attending eg a performance, group certificates/badges, competitions, can slow progress of others if a teacher (dance classes come to mind) has to keep helping someone because their standard isn't as high as others...

Makes it harder to plan things if you don't know who's going to be there.

I also agree its not doing your dd any favours. Everyone needs to learn to be considerate of others, that their lack of commitment can affect others, that even 'fun' things aren't fun all the time (even dream jobs have down points).

I can also see you having problems in the future if she learns that all she has to do to get mum to let her off something is say she's bored/tired.

I have an almost 15 yr old dd myself. She did dance for several years and sadly had to give it up due to HMS. But when she did go "CBA" was not an acceptable reason. They did a performance every term and a big show once a year, it wouldn't have been fair on the teachers or the other students if they were messed up due to dd's flakiness. Swimming lessons I insisted as that's a valuable life skill and we clash if I try to teach her a detailed skill like this. We have free swimming for school age here and she goes regularly (great exercise for the HMS). Brownies she absolutely loved and would have gone daily if she could! When she claimed no interest in this it was always a sign she was coming down with something! Guides the leader was dreadful, everything was indoors sat at tables even in the summer. Heard this not only from dd and friends but a helper who then quit herself. Dd went for a term then quit. Keyboard peaks and troughs, needs chivvied to practice, but feels really good when she does well.

Tired - early bed no screens
Bored - chores

Funny how those excuses soon evaporate!

Just to give another perspective, I'm a lifelong flaker now BECAUSE I was made to stick with activities I'd got bored of as a child. In my view, it's my time, my money, the former in particular is not infinite, and it's wasted if I don't want to be there. Maybe your daughter just hasn't found the thing she is really passionate about yet? If so, better to let her keep searching for it than forcing something that isn't right for her. I do wonder if a lot of the kids here being described as having to be dragged kicking and screaming to activities they previously wanted to do are actually just very introverted. If that's the case, having to go out and take part in another group activity when you're already worn out from interacting all day at school is a genuinely very unappealing prospect.