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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD she can pay for her own activities from now on?

105 replies

BerylStreep · 26/11/2015 16:28

She is 10. I am fed up with paying for activities that she becomes bored with. Over the years we have had Brownies, Tennis lessons, Ballet, and now gymnastics - each time she tries it for a bit then gets bored, or finds it too difficult, partly because she doesn't go to most of the lessons.

So WIBU to tell DD that she must pay for any new activities she wants to take up? I have already told her that she needs to pay for any lesson that she doesn't attend.

She has lots of money that she has saved, and plenty of opportunity to earn money at home doing chores.

OP posts:
Janeymoo50 · 26/11/2015 16:59

I simply wouldn't sign up for any more lessons/clubs. Then when she decides she wants to do something, she pays for it so if she then drops out, her loss.

SuperFlyHigh · 26/11/2015 17:01

With some things I was like this too as a child - gymnastics they wanted me to train to a high level and I had glasses and not great coordination so stopped, same with swimming, they wanted my brother and I to go into competing and we weren't the competing type....didn't help there was an Olympic sized pool with racing lanes in the same sports centre! Brownies, it got too religious and a bit cliquey.

I also started ballet at 12 but I was the oldest there felt very awkward but my mum luckily sold my new ballet clothes on.

But I did enjoy drama group and an art group held on weekends.

shutupandshop · 26/11/2015 17:01

Its not just money for the clubs is it? Theres uniforms, comps ev, your time, travel. 10 is old enough to comit for 6 months or so,

Lozza1990 · 26/11/2015 17:01

I think I'd try to make an agreement with her, so that when she says she'd like to try something. Tell her you have to pay for a certain number of sessions (even if you don't) so you're only going to pay if she goes. Once she's given it a good go then she can decide if she wants to stop. There's no issue with wanting to try different things all you can do is encourage her.

Enjolrass · 26/11/2015 17:02

So what do you say when she says she is too tired?

Bakeoffcake · 26/11/2015 17:05

What's wrong with her trying different things?

Of course if she signs up for something she should continue going or give it up completely but I wouldn't put her off trying new things. She's only 10, and there's every possibility she hasn't found the thing she's going to love.

ProfGrammaticus · 26/11/2015 17:05

You need to teach her perseverance. I had a rule at that age that if they wanted to quit something they gave it four more weeks. If they still wanted to quit then they could. We used to write down each week whether the week had been good or bad, it helped them get some perspective. Most things went on for months or years more after the initial reluctance and I think they benefitted from it. They need to understand that they have made a commitment to the group/ team/ leader.

dodobookends · 26/11/2015 17:05

sticking with things is only good if you enjoy the things

Yes true, but you can only start to really enjoy some things once you've stuck with it, practised and learned how to do it. She's finding things difficult because she doesn't go often enough, and when she does go, she can't keep up and gets cheesed off. It might boredom borne out of frustration.

MovemberSucks · 26/11/2015 17:06

I insist that my DC finish the term that I have paid for, but otherwise they are allowed to give up. They are 11 and 7 yo. I think that it's good for them to try lots of different things, it's the perfect age to do it. I'm a bit cautious about investing too much money in things that might only last a term, so would try to get second-hand equipment etc.

I do try to steer them away from things that they have no natural talent for, like music, mostly because that would be painful for me to listen to. Wink

ProfGrammaticus · 26/11/2015 17:06

All the activities I'm thinking of involved buying kit or uniform, and/or paying for a term in advance.

Enjolrass · 26/11/2015 17:07

What's wrong with her trying different things?

Nothing, my dd did, but it sounds like she isn't really giving anything a real try.

TeenAndTween · 26/11/2015 17:10

DD1 age 16 and DD2 age 11 has also tried various things over the years.
I have no problem with that, it is good to try things and see how you get on.

But

Once a set of sessions is paid for they have to attend unless ill. I always consult before renewing any optional activity (and if applicable before shelling out for expensive equipment).

StuntBottom · 26/11/2015 17:11

Have you thought about it from the point of view of the people running the activities? Very disheartening for them if children just don't turn up, particularly in the case of Brownies where it's run by unpaid volunteers. Also, there may well be a waiting list and non-attenders take up a place that another child could have had. My DCs have lost interest in an activity but I insisted they saw it through to the end of term. 10 is not too young to understand that if you sign up to something, you see it through.

AnnekaRice · 26/11/2015 17:14

sounds like a lack of confidence. she won't be good at anything unless she keeps going, and you make her go. no, it might not be for her, but she needs to give it a shot if you've signed up rather than letting her flunk out of things. I understand difficult with wilful child but it really sounds like it could be a confidence issue.

Bluetrews25 · 26/11/2015 17:15

Going to be controversial here, but it's ok for kids not to go to any extra activities, y'know. (Mine didn't, other than the odd bit of free football, as we were always broke.) As long as she goes to school, she will still be a lovely, rounded adult in time!
I'd be tempted to give in, and stop paying for things as soon as you can.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 26/11/2015 17:18

I think you're right. If she has to pay for something she wants to do, with her own money, she'll personally feel it if the money gets wasted. It might be the thing that gets her motivated. I'm saying this as a person who was an immensely flaky child, and got the shock of my life when I first moved into my own place and suddenly had to pay for things myself (I can remember complaining to my Dad that it didn't feel fair that I had to pay for food shopping!) It wouldn't have hurt me to learn personal responsibility a bit earlier in life.

newname99 · 26/11/2015 17:23

I don't think 4 activities is excessive for a 10 year old and think she might need to find something that 'sticks'.

Reasons for not going, tiredness and being bored are not good enough. We often feel legarthic but actually the activity can be energising.Likewise being bored should be addressed - maybe the lessons are getting harder or there is a problem with the instructor. I think working through problems will help her to problem solve in later life. School work will be boring at times so will jobs and you need to find ways to get through these stages.

My son has a hobby and found it difficult at one stage and wanted to quit, we stuck with it and now he has achieved a very good level and more importantly he is enjoying it. It's taught him that you have to go through the troughs to get the peaks.

Some activities may not suit her - my son would not enjoy gymnastics as he doesn't have any natural ability. He plays piano (poorly) but he enjoys it and is making very slow progress however he loves the opportunity to perform at shows which is confidence building.

vladthedisorganised · 26/11/2015 17:24

I think Lozza has it.

My DD is a lot younger but I see a lot of what you describe: she will go on for weeks that she's desperate to do an activity, do one or two lessons and then decide she doesn't like it after all. I insisted that she had to continue with drama lessons for the rest of the term when she wanted to give up after two sessions: she hated it, spent most of the lessons hiding behind the curtain (apparently) and spent each journey home in tears because I forced her to go. I really felt for the teachers who had to coax her out; and I now think I may have put her off for life.

Then the ballet - loved lessons 1 and 2, dragged to lesson 3, missed lesson 4 due to illness and now doesn't want to go back. DH feels there's no point in forcing her to go; I'm in two minds as have no energy for the dragging and misery, don't want to force a sulky and unwilling child on the teachers, but also want to show her that you can't just quit.

At 10, however, I'd be a lot more inclined to explain matters exactly as Lozza suggests.

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 26/11/2015 17:25

i wouldn't ask her to pay
i would ask her to commit to going every week for X number of weeks to demonstrate to you that she can commit to something, and then once she's already demonstrated that she can pick a different activity. when you start the new one, agree terms of engagement before you start.

I'm another lifelong flaker who wishes I'd pushed (or been pushed) through the boring/tricky bits.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/11/2015 17:28

I was a bit like your dd when I was that age. Part of it was because I was changing a lot and finding my feet, wanting to go because of peer pressure then finding out it wan't really my thing etc. Being able to try them and then dropping them was part of what made me realise that giving in to peer pressure and liking things because my friends liked them wasn't such a great strategy for life. Classes seem to cost an awful lot more now than they did then though, and you often have to sign up for whole terms, which may be too expensive a way to develop this understanding!

With the benefit of hindsight, I can also see now that part of imy flaking was because a lot of the activities I went to were a bit rubbish. Ill thought out and led by people who didn't really have a great aptitude for the skills they were trying to teach or for communicating with young people. There really was a lot of standing around being bored and making little progress even when we put the effot in.

I did eventually find my feet and got stuck into some activities I did enjoy that were well run. And I have a strong work ethic, so I don't think making her go to things she dislikes for more than a few sessions is necessarily a good thing. But kids can be a bit wingey and sometimes what they need is a bit of chivvying along. My own kids have just dropped swimming because the coach changed and they really don't like the new one - he's shouty and hard to talk to. I don't see the point in them going to an activity they just don't like. And they're swapping keyboard for violin because they want to do a different instrument, but I'm making them finish the keyboard class term first because, though they moan about going, when they come out they're happy.

I don't think making her pay for classes is a great idea at her age, I think you still need to take some responsibility for her opportunities and attendance. V. frustrating!

G1veMeStrength · 26/11/2015 17:29

Mine have both wanted to drop out of Cubs and Brownies and I didn't let them - people rely on them to be in their team, to do the activities as planned, and it is Not On to drop out.

DS decided himself to do Scouts so I feel like my approach paid off there.

DD moans about Brownies but I spy on her and can see she is having a GREAT time.

With expensive hobbies they have to promise they are going to stick with it before I pay and that has worked out fine.

Seriouslyffs · 26/11/2015 17:29

"It just goes against everything I think is right - I think you need to stick with things, put the work in etc."
But that rarely comes naturally. Dragging them along to activities they've lost interest in is as much part of middle class parenting as making them brush their teeth.

nokidshere · 26/11/2015 17:30

Mine didn't do many activities but I always ask then each time I have to sign up for a term or half term - they know that once I have paid they have to finish the course but don't have to sign up again after that.

tiggytape · 26/11/2015 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windypolar · 26/11/2015 17:44

It's up to you to get her there at this age. Tired/bored wouldn't be taken as an excuse to miss school after all. And she's too young to pay for herself. If she's only given it a half-hearted try, and not attended all of the sessions, of course she's going to grown disheartened quickly and want to give up.