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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over invitation to non-existent party

113 replies

Booboostwo · 26/11/2015 09:57

As I dropped DD (4yo) to preschool today her best friend gave her a party invite (undoubtedly a party invite as it said 'party' on the outside and X invites Y on the inside, where the best friend had meticulously written her own and DD's names). So I read it all out to DD and she was thrilled (she's only ever had one other party invite from school and that was a year ago). She gave her best friend a big hug, said thank you and wanted to hold onto the invite all day long.

The invitation didn't mention a day or time which I assumed was because a 4yo had filled it in so joked with best friend's mum about it who turned around and said 'Oh no, there is no party, her birthday is in July'. Turns out best friend wanted to give out an invite but there is no party and her mum let her.

Isn't that a shitty thing to do to a 4yo? DD will not only remember this, she will obsess over when she will be able to go to this party.

OP posts:
LockedBox · 26/11/2015 12:30

BTW, any love letters written by little boys saying things like "I want to marrye U" are not an actualy proposal of marriage. Wink

G1veMeStrength · 26/11/2015 12:34

Kids do this all the time. My DC have been invited to 'fake' parties, band auditions, film previews, all sorts of stuff. DD is currently in a secret agent team. Oh shit I was meant to keep that secret.

mummymeister · 26/11/2015 12:35

Our kids regularly had "parties" when they were little and we still call it "party tea" even now that they are teenagers. sandwiches with no crusts, pringles, cake, plastic cups of drink and a few games. you could say to your DD why doesn't she have the party instead and make a playdate into one. have a quiet word with the mum and explain that for some kids its a huge deal getting something like this. some parents just don't realise and it needs someone else to point it out to them - in a friendly way.

SarahSavesTheDay · 26/11/2015 12:37

I imagine this girl just found an invitation around the house and asked if she could give it to her friend. I don't see what the big deal is. They're 4, turn it into a playdate and they can make a cake or something?

bluebolt · 26/11/2015 12:40

This did happen a lot with DD but never in the knowledge of the other parent. I do find that bit odd.

BarbarianMum · 26/11/2015 12:41

Maybe the other mother didn't think that an invitation clearly written by a 4 year old with no time or date would be taken seriously by another parent? Maybe she should have had second thoughts but really it isn't a big deal.

CherryPicking · 26/11/2015 12:44

My DD used to do this. I think most parents can tell the difference between an invite and an 'invite'. It's part of play. Chill out. Your dd will survive.

wannaBe · 26/11/2015 12:50

it really isn't a big deal, and I am Hmm at the amount of people on this thread saying it's a shitty thing to do. It's play. kids play at having parties, even birthday parties, they write out pretend invites etc etc. Honestly if children are devastated by these kinds of things then how on earth are they going to cope out there in the real world.

As an aside, I have a cousin who, when he was about eight wrote out party invites to his friends (about twenty of them), with date time and address and everything, and it was pre mobile phones so the expectation was just that you would turn up. Except his parents were oblivious and his birthday wasn't for about another six months. And several children actually did turn up with presents and cards to a party which didn't exist. Grin Shock

Shelby2010 · 26/11/2015 12:53

The problem was that you got taken in too - and probably why you're annoyed. If you'd realised it was a game then you would have pointed it out to your DD & all would have been fine. Perhaps you could help her understand by getting her to write a pretend invitation back?

LaContessaDiPlump · 26/11/2015 13:07

I'm sorry that your DD was disappointed - it sounds like you were too op.

Invite the little girl over to yours for a playdate 'so that we can have that tea and cakes party'! Insist that they dress up, let them use nice charity shop teacups and serve them pretty cakes. Hopefully your DD will remember it fondly and the other girl will think it's great.

ClaudetteWyms · 26/11/2015 13:08

This has happened with my DD several times, in nursery and reception - it's a game.

My DD thought she was invited to real parties, I explained that her friends just wanted to write invitations and pretend, and suggested they play at having a party at playtime.

She was fine with this and has no lasting emotional trauma from it.

Original poster
Booboostwo · 26/11/2015 13:13

The best friend's mum was right next to us during all this. When I pointed out there was no date/time she took the invite looked at it and said "You're right, you can't trust 4yos to do anything right" at which we all laughed. I then encouraged DD to pop the invite in her bag rather than hold it all day long bacause I didn't want it upsetting any children who may have not been invited. On the way out I asked about the date again and the mum said there was no party.

Had it been a wedding invite or a band audition, yes I would have cottoned on sooner that it was just imaginative play.

OP posts:
bluebolt · 26/11/2015 13:19

We did have the opposite happen as well, little girl handed out hand written invites with no rsvp, 5 out of the 6 parents put them down as pretend (including myself) and only one child turned up. Only found out by playground rumour drums. The 5 parents clubbed together and took all original invitees out but still feel crap 10 years on.

Floggingmolly · 26/11/2015 13:21

And you think that's funny, wannaBe? Really?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2015 13:31

Op it was a genuine mistake, just move on, I am sure your dd will get to go to more parties in the future I am sure.

Furiosa · 26/11/2015 13:36

Floggingmolly Maybe with hindsight? (she said it was pre mobiles so this would have been a long time ago) It doesn't sound like anything malicious.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/11/2015 13:38

I agree with Molly. WannaBe. I don't find children being upset and disappointed a bit funny. It's quite sick in the head actually that you do. And trust me I'm not lacking in a sense of humour.
I also don't find a tad bit humourous that these parents who somd that could have been on a budget. Went out and spent money on a non existent birthday.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 26/11/2015 13:38

I agree it was thoughtless of the Mum to allow this, as it might have been predictable that it would cause a misunderstanding.

However, I think it shows that the little girl wants to be friends with your DD, which is nice.

Try not to get upset about it OP.

I know there is no playdate planned, but can you plan one? Perhaps explain that DD believed there was a party and is a bit disappointed and see if you can arrange something that will also be fun to do.

I would try to build on the friendship rather than turning it into a row.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 26/11/2015 13:40

claudette's idea of playing at having a party is also a good plan.

Gruntfuttock · 26/11/2015 13:42

"My son also nicked my cheque book and gave his mates cheques to the tune of 2.5 million pounds!"

Shock Oh no! There'd be a chance I'd go slightly overdrawn if that had happened to me!

bearleftmonkeyright · 26/11/2015 13:45

Not read the full thread, but this is something kids do all the time and it is a common thing for them to say in the playground "you're not invited to my party!!" and a big harumph and a flounce when things don't go their way. I had a reception girl today show me a party invitiation she'd made for a friend when there is no party. Completely normal. Its play and make believe.

LockedBox · 26/11/2015 13:46

I don't find children being upset and disappointed a bit funny. It's quite sick in the head actually that you do. And trust me I'm not lacking in a sense of humour

At what age do you feel it's appropriate to learn about disappointment? Or at what age is appropriate to learn that sometimes things that you thought were going to happen don't?

Jesus, I mean there are children fleeing from the Middle East who would love this to be the bloody sum end of the dissapointment and upset in their lives.

Get some perspective, please.

Floggingmolly · 26/11/2015 13:52

It's not appropriate to learn that sometimes things that you thought were going to happen don't whilst standing on your friend's doorstep with a wrapped present in your hand as it slowly dawns on your that there's nobody home and it was all a joke.
Laughing at the memory is a bit off, even if it did happen years ago. The kids must have been gutted.

bialystockandbloom · 26/11/2015 13:53

I can't see this is a massive deal. Doesn't your dd understand it wasn't a real party and it was just her friend being silly/jokey, once you'd explained to her? 4yo is surely old enough to understand that.

wannaBe · 26/11/2015 13:54

"I agree with Molly. WannaBe. I don't find children being upset and disappointed a bit funny. It's quite sick in the head actually that you do. And trust me I'm not lacking in a sense of humour." oh do get a grip this was about 35 years ago and is the kind of thing that was brought up in his wedding speech. "sick in the head?" what the actual fuck is wrong with people...

Yes at the time I am sure it was mortifying. But 35 years on? (and I did state that this was pre mobile phones so the fact it was a long time ago was pretty evident) it really isn't something to get all pearl clutchy about.

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