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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Over invitation to non-existent party

113 replies

Booboostwo · 26/11/2015 09:57

As I dropped DD (4yo) to preschool today her best friend gave her a party invite (undoubtedly a party invite as it said 'party' on the outside and X invites Y on the inside, where the best friend had meticulously written her own and DD's names). So I read it all out to DD and she was thrilled (she's only ever had one other party invite from school and that was a year ago). She gave her best friend a big hug, said thank you and wanted to hold onto the invite all day long.

The invitation didn't mention a day or time which I assumed was because a 4yo had filled it in so joked with best friend's mum about it who turned around and said 'Oh no, there is no party, her birthday is in July'. Turns out best friend wanted to give out an invite but there is no party and her mum let her.

Isn't that a shitty thing to do to a 4yo? DD will not only remember this, she will obsess over when she will be able to go to this party.

OP posts:

nowirehangers · 26/11/2015 10:44

DC2 once invited the whole class to a very fancy party at our house, admittedly without our knowledge. It took a while to stand everyone down. I think you're over-reacting. Good idea to invite girl to your house and have a birthday tea

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/11/2015 10:45

I think the best idea was ask the friend over for a play-date and make it a bit of a party yourself. You could invite a couple of DD's friends if you wanted to. It doesn't take much to make a bit of party spirit for 4 yr olds. Like a PP said a bit of jelly and ice-cream and you're away!
And yes, just tell DD she was pretending/playing

Fuckitfay · 26/11/2015 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 26/11/2015 10:52

Just explain to your dd what has happened. Yes she'll probably bring it up a few hundred times, children find comfort in going over things again and again.
If she's upset about it ask her what she could do to make it better. Inviting friend for tea and having a teddies birthday party maybe?
The reality is that your dd has years and years of learning to negotiate the complex world of human relationships - and learning that things aren't always as they seem. She will get upset, she will unwitting upset others. She'll be ok with hour support.

leccybill · 26/11/2015 10:54

Just tell her it was pretend. So much of what kids do and talk about at this age is pretend, it really shouldn't be a big deal.
Having her over for tea is a nice suggestion though.

Janeymoo50 · 26/11/2015 11:03

One of my charges came home with a homemade wedding invite/letter once from her best friend, asking if she would be her bridesmaid. They were 8.
I'd just forget it and move on, if she asks about it then tell her it was a made up game about parties etc.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2015 11:05

It sounds like an honest mistake, your poor dd . Mum then should have arranged the girls to come round and play instead. A bit mean spirited of her.

WoodHeaven · 26/11/2015 11:05

I think it's normal for children to want to do invite to another child for something that isn't going to happen for another few months (if ever).
It's normal for the children to draw/write etc...
It's not normal to then give that invite to another child for a 'pretend' party wo letting them know what it is.
And it's not normal for the parent to think it's a normal thing to do at all. Have they thought aboout how disappointed the other child will be and how mcuh of a pain they will be to the other parent?

It could easily have been a situation where the OP wouodn't have seen the other parent for a few days and her dd getting REALLY excited at the idea for then? what? being let down?

It certainly isn't the right way to teach children about being caring towards other people, game or not.

As for 'It's normal, it will happen several times more'.... well being 'orally' invited to a party probably, but with an invite? I have never seen that for any of my dcs. Ever.
And even if it was, that's not to say it's acceptable. A lot of things have been deemed acceptable for a long time that we see as completely awful now.

WoodHeaven · 26/11/2015 11:07

An invite a wedding is different though. It is clear that this is pretend play. The child isn't going to get married any time soon.

A pparty with an invite such that an adult can think it's genuine is different.

RhodaBull · 26/11/2015 11:09

I did this when I was 5. I was a bit precocious and wrote out party invitations to my teddy's birthday party (well, not that precocious, then!) which I then gave to my friends. I can remember one mother exclaiming that she had no idea that a child had written it (preens about handwriting from over 40 years ago...).

t1mum · 26/11/2015 11:12

It was a bit silly of the mum to let it happen (are you sure she knew)? Mind you I spent last week baking a cake with my DD's friend for her non-existent birthday (June baby) and singing happy birthday to her.

lorelei9 · 26/11/2015 11:28

sorry if I missed it, but did the little girl give these out to anyone else?

if her mum knew, it seems very odd.

momb · 26/11/2015 11:30

My brother did this at about the same age. He was quite good at writing and included a date and time. We returned from a famly day out to a neighbour telling us that a little boy had turned up with his Mum in his party clothes with a wrapped football. My Mum was mortified. She would have invited him over for tea but no-one ever mentioned it at the school gate even though she asked around and we never found out who it was.

momb · 26/11/2015 11:37

posted too soon. I think that the other Mum hasn't thought through the ramifications of her DDs game. It is odd and if her DD wanted to do invitations they shodul have been given to family who would understand or to your DD if an invitation to tea or an outing was under discussion. However as it was done unthinkingly rather than maliciously all you can do is explain to your DD and move on. I hope she isn't disappointed for long.

stickygotstuck · 26/11/2015 11:40

I am having trouble believing some of the replies here.

Children really do play pretend games all the time. It is healthy.
They write imaginary invites all the time - they are excited they are learning to write AND making their own little friends at school.
It is sweet that a friend wants to invite a friend to a party (even if there is no party). And it shows initiative.

I thought parents knew that children have imaginations. And its their job to explain to their children that their little friends have imaginations too. No big deal.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 26/11/2015 11:46

I think if my DC did this (handed out the invite) I would invite the other DC over to play and eat some cake...

My 4 yo would be heart broken (briefly) too once I explained there was no party - but he's a bit dramatic and emotional and was also heart broken on Tuesday because he had Tuesday and Thursday mixed up and thought he was going to his friend's to play that day, two days early... He is also regularly heart broken that it hasn't snowed overnight, or that his brother has football training, or that I have to work and DH will be putting him to bed... So he kind of has to learn to take things in his stride, and though I can cuddle and comfort I can't always make things be the way he believes they should be!

Zhabr · 26/11/2015 11:50

That situation rings the bell, happened to my DD when she was 4. 10 years ago and I can't remember now, was it my DD who wrote the invite or was it her little friend.
We indeed turned it out into Teddy bears tea party. I remember that I found the whole affair quite sweet.
I doubt my DD remembers anything about it now, her Reception year memories are very parchy.

KitZacJak · 26/11/2015 11:55

Sounds like the mother didn't really think it through. Mine were always writing on bits of paper at that age and invented tickets and membership cards etc and giving them out. I may not have really registered if they had picked up an invite and handed it to a friend.

I would just invite her round for a tea party. I can't imagine the mother meant any harm.

CFSsucks · 26/11/2015 12:00

I can't believe most people think this is no big deal and the mum shouldn't have stepped in. The girl could have wrote her a note inviting her over to her house, this would have been exciting for OPs DD and the girl still got to do an invite. She did not have to make it a party invite that didn't exist. This was the mums cue to steer her in a different direction.

FGS can no one ever say no to their precious snowflakes!

Katedotness1963 · 26/11/2015 12:01

I'm with you OP. I've had my kids told they were going to be invited to parties and get excited only for the invitation never materialise. We then told them it was not a real invitation till they had the actual invite in hand. Now it seems that's still not enough to be sure.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2015 12:01

Just explain to your dd, that her friend was pretending to have a party, and move on from that. Hopefully she will get invited to other parties later on.

ottothedog · 26/11/2015 12:08

Its a tiny bit odd not to pick up on the fact it was a made-up invite, what with it being written by a 4 year old with no day/date/time/place/contact details. But maybe its years of this kind of thing that would have made me instantly aware it was one of those 'pretend play' type letters. Mine and half the class were always doing this kind of thing at that age. It wouldnt have occured to me to speak to a parent to see if it was real. Inviting her over for a teaparty sounds a good idea to build on this friendship.

Furiosa · 26/11/2015 12:22

FGS can no one ever say no to their precious snowflakes!

While I really dislike the term "precious snowflake" doesn't this attitude also apply to the OP's daughter? That she too needs to curtail her enthusiasm at times and accept disappointment?

OP, it seems (forgive me if I'm wrong) that you are the one who is most upset here as your daughter hasn't been invited to may parties? I know how that feels. My 4 year old has only been to one but has seen many invites being handed out to many parties. Lately he's asked if he can write a letter to one kid asking please for an invite. I've had to explain a few times why you can't do this. It breaks my heart but it's just life.

LockedBox · 26/11/2015 12:28

"FGS can no one ever say no to their precious snowflakes!"

I was just thinking that about the other side of this argument.

It bothers me a bit, all this navel gazing and worry about sweet FA - I truly, honestly wonder how some little children are possibly going to cope in the world when it starts throwing problems at them, if they're not taught about disappointment when they're little. This is such a tiny little thing that can be managed so easily - railing against the other mum seems bizarrely over reactive to me.

notanotherproblem · 26/11/2015 12:29

When they get a bit older you have to be careful that things like this aren't real as well...
My 9 yo DC got an invite to a friend's sleepover...on a piece of lined paper all in friend's handwriting. I didn't believe their parent knew...
Told DC I didn't think it was real - so I got another one similar but slightly neater and with parent's mobile no ...(which I already had and they have mine) -all a bit awkward but decided I'd better let parent know what their DC was up to (had handed out a few invites) so sent a text ...only to find it was a genuine invitation .

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