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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

birthday presents

30 replies

peppajay · 25/11/2015 22:51

AIBU to thinking when neices/nephews get to 19 you just send cards for birthdays and stop presents? In my family when the cousins reached their 18th birthday they were given a really lovely present then cards only from 19 only so I presumed this was normal. My neice is distraught as we didn't send her anything her this year. I honestly thought she wouldn't expect anything - she is now an adult and doesn't live at home. However I will always do Xmas presents. We are not close and hubby and his sis rarely speak. In 10 years we have probably seen them twice. Unfortunately my FIL will not have us at Christmas anymore as we are cold hearted and callous. Every auntie and cousin on has been on phone tonight telling me how upset my niece is. Because this is how it works in my family I presumed this is normal but doesn't seem it.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 25/11/2015 23:10

Do they all still send your adult children presents?

I would stop at adult hood too. The problem though is them all being overly Arsey with you - what's that about? Not inviting you to Christmas, bit of an overreaction ?

OhPillocks · 25/11/2015 23:13

My parents do the same thing with all their grandchildren. Pressures until you are 18 and then cards.

Cressandra · 25/11/2015 23:16

Normal for our family but it sounds like it isn't for your DH's.

Is your DH still on the scene?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 25/11/2015 23:16

So DN is hubby side? Then it was upto him to let you know if things became like your family IYSWIM ... but total over reaction!!

BackforGood · 25/11/2015 23:20

Like all these things - nowt wrong with it, but it would probably have been sensible to talk about it when they were coming up to 18, rather than just 'not getting anything' when the were quite reasonably expecting something.

I decided to do that after their 21st birthdays, but I first muted it before the eldest turned 20 and they were quite happy with the idea.

'distraught' does seem an over reaction though.

Leelu6 · 25/11/2015 23:21

YANBU. Do they ever send you presents or at least card on your birthdays?

I can't understand why you would send presents to someone you only see twice in 10 years and that you're not close to.

And why are hassling you and not your DH?!

DisappointedOne · 25/11/2015 23:22

Have 5 (almost 6) nieces and nephews - all aged 4 or under. Don't buy for any of them (and their parents don't buy for our DD either). Makes for a much simpler life.

Original poster
peppajay · 25/11/2015 23:24

That is how always has been in my family 18 and presents stop and I honesly didnt even think that what i was doing would have been seen as odd . My FIL sends presents to all his neices and nephews and all their grown up children and now some of them even have kids who he sends presents to but he is very much one of these people who uses gifts and money to get affection. My DH got presents every year from his two great aunties until they died but I just thought that was an old lady thing. It has caused a huge major rift !!

OP posts:
Original poster
peppajay · 25/11/2015 23:32

DH and his sister aren't close they had a fall out 16years ago when his nephew was born prematurely and he was travelling round Australia and he didn't come home to see his sister and the baby. They have never been close has she always been demanding of him. Both his sister and baby were fine. She thinks he is cold and he thinks she is over sensitive.

OP posts:
Littleonesaid · 25/11/2015 23:38

Grin at idea of 19 year old being "distraught" at not being given a bday present.

YANBU.

HeartShapedBox · 25/11/2015 23:47

My family do it to 18, then nothing, with the exception of the 21st.

Niece needs to grow up, she's 19, not 9.

MrsS1980 · 26/11/2015 00:03

Adult children get birthday presents from DM's side of the family but nothing at Christmas, other side just buys for next generation of children iyswim. DH has never got any presents from his aunts and uncles in all the time I have known him.

Enjolrass · 26/11/2015 06:51

Yanbu to do it

Your dh wbu to assume his family would do the same, when the evidence shows that's not what they expect.

They are bu and overreacting. But I can see why they thought you would you carry on the tradition as they have.

Personally I think your dh handled it badly. From his dsis PoV it probably looks like your dh doesn't give a shit about her kids given the history.

I do wonder what she would say if she posted.

A distraught 19 is also bu.

MythicalKings · 26/11/2015 07:17

YANBU. 19 year old distraught? I don't believe it. SiL has a big wooden spoon and is stirring the shit.

Presents stop at 18 in our family as well. Big present and a card - but a reminder that that's it!

Savagebeauty · 26/11/2015 07:23

Dd is 19 and she knows that my brother won't send her a Xmas cheque this year, though her brother will.
Do people still make a big deal of 21st birthdays???

RiverTam · 26/11/2015 07:25

This is your problem why exactly? It's your DH's not-very-close family. Oh wait, it's because you have a uterus which automatically puts you in charge of all present-buying? Well, fuck that for a game of soldiers for a start. His family, his problem, he can deal with it.

wowfudge · 26/11/2015 07:28

Ah families! There was a big falling out in ours over a 'normal' birthday card being sent instead of a 21st one. This was to someone who'd had a big 18th birthday party and got married in between! It wasn't the birthday girl who was upset, it was her mother.

PennyHasNoSurname · 26/11/2015 09:21

Gosh we dont even do gifts at christmas once they are over 18. Your neice sounds a bit spoiled.

Pranmasghost · 26/11/2015 09:50

In our family presents stop when you have children of your own.

PennyPants · 26/11/2015 10:58

We still get presents ( mainly money) from 3 of our aunts and uncles. I still buy for adult Dn as see him a lot and I have two dc that they still buy for. My other dsis stopped buying for Dn when he turned 18, but then she doesn't have dc. Dn didn't act like your niece though, it was never mentioned. If I wasn't close I wouldn't bother either.
Your Dn and her family abvu.
Distraught indeed! Fgs

ofallthenerve · 26/11/2015 11:07

No yanbu. It's the same in my family. My DH has one aunt he is closer to. She buys my DH, DD and me bday and Xmas gifts and we do the same for her. I don't but my aunties bday or Xmas presents so don't expect one from them.

HearTheThunderRoar · 26/11/2015 12:11

Yanbu, I stopped buying for my nephews and nieces when they were teenagers (14ish - now in their 20s/30s)

My brothers haven't bought DD a present since she was about 5.

HearTheThunderRoar · 26/11/2015 12:12

Oh and DD is 16 now.

Fallout4fan · 26/11/2015 12:33

Only buy presents for kids (up to 16) and then presents for big number birthdays so 18, 21, 40 and so on.
If we haven't got the money (or I couldn't find anything they would like or was too lazy to look) then they get money in a card.
What's with this present demanding craze? Surely it's an added bonus if you get a gift not a given. Confused

Fratelli · 26/11/2015 13:34

Jesus your niece sounds like a knob op! What 19 year old behaves like that? It sounds like you may be better off without that side of the family!