To be quite fucking upset about a weight comment my DM made

[Hairyfairybumscary]

Back story, for as long as I can remember I've been told by various family members that I need to 'watch my weight'. My earliest memory of this weight obsession was when I was 4, I can pin point anything anybody actually said I just remember that I always felt 'fat'.

Looking back at photos from my childhood, it is clear to me now that I wasn't fat in anyway shape or form, I was just a normal child. However, by the time I realised this I had spiralled into habits of comfort eating every time my mum obsessed or nagged over my none existent weight problem. I can't ever remember feeling particularly confident - I still don't.

I can't ever remember being care free as a child and felt as though I always had my mums disapproving eye on me as I was growing up. She has never had a problem with her weight.

I lost weight when I was 17 and kept the weight off until I had my DD in 2013, so I managed to keep it off for 4 years. I had my DD and suffered with PND and it piled on.

My mum nags and nags and nags at me 'oh I hate to mention it but it scares me to death.' It scares me to death too but I'm stuck in this awful cycle of not wanting to go out for fear of seeing someone I know. I realise people with talk about my weight gain. I can see the shock in their faces when they set eyes on me and I hate it.
I feel as though my mum is embarrassed to be seen with me because of my size and it's not a particularly nice feeling but I've always felt that way.

The other day she was helping me un peg my washing from outside and she started giggling to herself. I asked what was so funny and she said that 'your jeans say 'skinny' on the label but size a size 18 isn't skinny at all.'

I thought it was quite a bitchy, nasty comment if I'm honest, completely needless. She then went on to explain that he had shown her friend some photos that she had taken of myself and DD recently,
She said 'oh [name removed by MNHQ] hardly recognised you, you must've really ballooned since she saw you last.'

I'm not blaming her for the way I am but there is no escaping the fact that the criticism of my weight is all I've were really known. I've never felt as though I'm worth much and never felt particularly good enough. I'm actually getting quite upset as I'm writing this. I could've been so different. I shy away from social situations so much so my DD is starting to miss out. I just feel as though people will be commenting on my weight and I feel disgusted with myself for letting it get this bad but I'm so down.

Your mother has some serious issues and it's not just about 'weight' as such.

She's lost sight of the wood for the trees.

The ongoing weight criticism is HER issue not yours, hairyfairy. If you can, do try to challenge her. (are you a bit afraid of her?)

If she does this to your daughter, or to you when your daughter is around, it could pass the rather destructive obsession on to your little one.

HariyFairy you have to say something to her, you owe it to yourself and your DD. Sometimes we can have this worry avout upsetting out parents, almost a must respect your elders type of thing, but what she is saying is fucking hurtful and she needs to know that.

I had a similar thing growing up from my Gran, altough it was actually about being too skinny. I hated my body and covered it in baggy clothes as I thought I looked terrible so thin. As it turns out lots of my friends were jealous of my slim shape.

I swore my Gran would not be allowed to say these things to my DC. The thing was that in my family we were all naturally very skinny children, including my Grans own children.

She does a lot for me and is great with DSD and DD. I suppose I was bought up to respect my elders, parents were quite strict, went to a
Strict catholic primary school with a very old fashioned head teacher. My stomach used to churn every morning at the prospect of having to go and face her. I've always been particularly fearful of women.

I know that she does worry about my weight. I carry a lot of it round my middle which isn't good but it's the way I'm made, my dad is very much similar. He has type 2 diabetes and is nearly 30 stones.

Similarly to what a previous poster said, my mum was a stunning young woman placed next to a quite ordinary sister. She was slim, long legs, long, brown, wavy hair and tanned. Her younger self reminds me very much of Penelope Cruz! Her sister on the other hand had coarse, wiry ginger hair, was much more thick set and a self confessed tomboy although now she's older, my auntie is actually a very attractive woman.

The emphasis was always on my mum. If she is ever out and about with DD, they are often mistaken for mother and daughter not grandmother and granddaughter.

I dont remember a time when my mother and aunts werent "slimming".

My mum has a completely unhealthy relationship with food, which she completely denies and which she has passed on to me and my sister. We just dont know whats normal. The whole "Oh I shouldnt...oh go on then" and then spending the next 3 days eating dust to make up for one chocolate bar is standard. Its feast or famine.

DSis and I are working on it but it does worry me that I will pass it on to my kids even though I try very hard not to.

I agree with those who've said this has nothing to do with your weight. My mother was like this too,not about my weight, but anything else she could use to pull me down. I've never quite shaken off the comment that "I could be quite pretty if I tried". I've been paranoid about my looks ever since but all I see when I look back at old photos is a normal-looking child.

Likewise any achievements: I would never be able to play the piano because I couldn't sight read; I would never achieve academically because I would never be able to compete.

Rubbish! I believed her too, because daughters respect their mothers' opinion, don't they? I was years into adulthood before I actually believed she was doing this deliberately to undermine me.

This behaviour is rooted in your dm' s insecurity. It's nasty behaviour, calculated to bring you down. Don't let her. It's hard, but you should imo call her on it, and stand up to her. She'll stop, because she's a bully, and bullies are cowards u underneath.

I am sure you already are, so please continue to keep a close eye on the relationship between DM and DD as there is no way that she isn't making body shaming comments in front of her - it just isn't possible for these people to keep their opinions to themselves. Be very clear that you don't expect these comments to be made in front of DD and that there will be consequences if this does happen.

I have an endless battle with my DM and MIL / FIL as they are all obsessed with weight - DM is skinny and ILs are both overweight - and I don't want their negative body image and destructive opinions anywhere near my children.

I have told them all that the consequence of not adhering to my wishes is that there will be less time with DC in general and absolutely no unsupervised time with DC as I view this as type of comment and behaviour as abuse and it is my job to protect my children from harm. May seem a bit dramatic but it's the only thing these people understand - they love a bit of drama - they can use it to draw even more attention to themselves.

absolutelynotfabulous
Couldn't agree more. Excellent points.

OP
You say "she's done a lot for you," well maybe she has but it absolutely does not excuse hurtful and demeaning comments.

My mother has always been insecure, jealous, and prone to spiteful comments.
I've always been chubby and over the years from the age of 8ish I endured these pearls of wisdom:

"We need to start doing something about your weight."
"Don't you ever wish you were slim like other girls your age?"
"You will find it hard to get a boyfriend if you don't start losing weight."
"You'll regret it if you don't lose weight."

Along with others. Funnily enough I never found it hard to"get a boyfriend" or have a happy life even though I've been a size 18 for years.
I've recently lost some weight (used to be a size 22) but I did it/am doing it for ME, not to please her.

Like others have said, she is voicing her own insecurities and unhappiness (total projection) there is absolutely no need for a mother to speak to her daughter like that.

I have ended up with a strained relationship with my mother, after I told her a few home truths once or twice.
We now have limited contact. Maybe you should think about doing the same?
Life is short and you don't need to fill it with toxic people.

BTW, if your DM is anything like mine, let me translate these comments for you:

'oh I hate to mention it but it scares me to death.'

Actually I don't hate to mention it - I have been waiting for an opportunity to get this comment in all day because then you / anyone else here will notice how slim I am compared to you... Aren't I fab? Also, this comment is all about me. It scares ME to death. My primary concern is not for your wellbeing otherwise I would be a bit nicer about it. I am actually using your insecurity to stroke my own ego.

The other day she was helping me un peg my washing from outside and she started giggling to herself. I asked what was so funny and she said that 'your jeans say 'skinny' on the label but size a size 18 isn't skinny at all.'

Oh fabulous! Another opportunity to draw attention to how slim and marvellous I am. Well done me. Also a brilliant opportunity to keep my daughter in her place, i.e. behind me.

She then went on to explain that he had shown her friend some photos that she had taken of myself and DD recently,
She said 'oh Amanda hardly recognised you, you must've really ballooned since she saw you last.'

I showed the photos to her and made the comment myself... I thought that rather than sticking up for my daughter and telling everyone how proud I am of her and of her beautiful family and her bravery in conquering PND, I would remind her that being thin is actually the only thing that matters and that I am therefore the best. Oh brilliant - it is all about me again!

Hairy Your mum is probably massively insecure herself... It's pretty sad if the only thing you have to make you feel as good as or better than anyone else in the world is your dress size.

I know from bitter experience that it really hurts when your own DM says these things about you but if you picked her up on it she would probably tell you that you are being over-sensitive, can't take a joke / a piece of constructive criticism, or would burst into tears and make it all about her getting picked on by her horrible daughter.

YANBU. I wish I had a solution for you... The only thing I have managed to do is fight back or distance myself, both with varying degrees of success. I got some treatment through my GP for depression and anxiety which was really helpful too - not sure if this is something you would consider? Might be helpful for your self esteem.

You are perfect as you are.
It's not your fault.

I think your mothers attitude shows her insecurities and worries about herself (she wouldn't be good enough if she wasn't thin etc) and hard though it is please try not to let them effect you. Your size is perfectly normal and if you want to lose weight for YOU great, if not also great. It has no reflection in your personality, worth or attractiveness except to idiots.

I do think it's maybe a generational thing. My mum constantly nags me about watching my weight (I'm 5'6 and normally a size 12 but have been a 14 which if you listened to my mother I might as well have been a whale). I'm currently pregnant and she told DP not to buy me chocolate as I'm getting so big- he just smiles and ignores her. (She also had a cake especially made in the shape of a michelin man for my birthday when I was about 12 - thought it was amusing )

Disney Whaaat????????

Yeah I know - my mum has issues!

Disney that's terrible! Unforgivable.

She's great in other ways (helps with picking dd up from school 2 days a week) but we have a rather strained relationship at an emotional level. Luckily I'm quite strong (and love food!!) and my dad is perfectly normal and supportive so I've not been badly effected by it.

Hairy you know you're trying to excuse/justify her utterly shitty behaviour don't you?

She's an adult now and needs to fucking stop it.

It's pretty sad if the only thing you have to make you feel as good as or better than anyone else in the world is your dress size.

So true!

A person should never be defined by appearance, etc, it's the person inside that counts! If you can find the strength to let your mum know how her remarks make you feel she might realise how damaging they are. She needs to change her ways & support her daughter.

Your thread resonated a lot with me. I am about 5'5 and a size 18 / 20, depending on the shop. I AM much too heavy but it doesn't stop me doing what I want.

I am often surprised by how many people think that my weight is their business. I would dream of mentioning someone else's spots or bad haircut or bad teeth - these things are none of my business.

Some thin people seem to think that going on at fat people about their weight somehow helps. I've never found it particularly encouraging.

One thing that really helped me was to change the units of measurement - I now think in kilos, which to me are a "medical" measurement while stones and pounds are what everyone got wound up about at school. I've been told that my weight should be around 76 kilos, which feels more like something I can aim for than losing three stone.

I used to avoid challenging people when they made comments because I didn't want them to feel bad. Now, I couldn't give a shit.

Yes, you probably will lose weight, but in the meantime, get a great haircut. Buy some clothes that you feel attractive in. Wear make up and smile. Other people are probably not thinking about your weight - they're too busy thinking about themselves and how they look, how much they weigh, whether they should have said that thing to that person.

I've been told that my weight should be around 76 kilos

Interesting CruCru. I'm 5'6 and I've had nurses (never doctors) tell me I should be around 68 or 69 kilos (this was on a full body assessment a few years ago, where it showed my muscle mass as in the "athletic" category at 71kilos, and I felt quite good at that weight, it really would have required a lot of calorie cutting to get down further, and I found that really disheartening and why I gave up dieting entirely).

Did you get an explanation as to why 76 was good for you?

Oh my goodness, I am welling up here.

I also seemingly have loads of sisters I didn't know about!

My mother has never been quite as rude as yours, Hairy, but OMG did I pick up some warped values about weight and worth growing up.

My mum actually visibly scowls or sneers at overweight people - including my friends.

It's the first thing she comments on about me, my sister, my cousins.

She put me on a diet when I was eight. I was not overweight - like so many others on this thread I look back at photos and I was absolutely fine, a healthy, normal sized child FFS.

The horrendous things is I too now put value on being slim, I feel women slimmer than me are superior.

I have three teenage daughters. I rarely mention weight in front of them and I do feel they have healthy attitudes to food and their bodies, but I can't say hand on heart that I have managed to keep my own weight anxieties from them.

The awful shameful thing is I am secretly so glad they are all slim . Sorry, I realise how shit that is.

Your mum is being so destructive. she has completely lost sight of what is important, really important here.I think if you were able to address these comments with here assertively, inviting no discussion, you would feel better.

I always recommend this book on here 'A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You'

And I totally agree that your mum is projecting her own insecurities about herself onto you. She may not be overweight herself, but she is very scared she will be judged in some way for not being good enough.

'Also there was a social pecking order amongst the women of who was "out of control" and who was a success/ managing'

This.

'I totally agree that your mum is projecting her own insecurities about herself onto you. She may not be overweight herself, but she is very scared she will be judged in some way for not being good enough.'

And this!

At some point you can decide to turn round and enjoy your life, right now. That may require standing up to your mother.

do you ever wonder that if your mum didn't have your weight to pick on, she'd simply find something else?
Seems like she has horrible insecurities and needs to feel she can put you down. I dont have any answers apart from lose weight for you not her.

It is appalling that so many mothers have instilled such feelings in their daughters. Unfortunately I am another - both my parents were/are incredibly fattist, to the extent that I developed bulimia in my teens, because the dichotomy was that "eat everything on your plate" was another rule, and I can't say that it was always the healthiest fare.

It's so easy to say "ignore her; she is the one with the problem" and so hard to do when that's pretty much what you have always known. Even though you know absolutely that she is the one in the wrong. If she is worried about your health, there are supportive suggestions that can be made rather than giggling while hanging up your washing (that is simply terrible). My own ex H capitalised on my issues by saying that I would look "disgusting if I put on weight" to try to force me to have an abortion. To my deep shame, this meant that I barely ate during my pregnancy and, although DD was 7lb, that was luck rather than judgement. I only put on 10lb overall and was ill looking after her birth.

The only positive that I can offer is that I was so very determined that my own DD would have no body issues that my own eating/purging became much calmer. I was overseas anyway so had no interference from DM, and DD is now 18 with no eating problems, has never been told that thin is better in ANY way, enjoys her food without guilt and is naturally slim.

Heaven knows what makes these mothers behave in this way.

I think pp have said it all really, op. I'm sorry your mum is like this - mine is the same. I'm only a size 10 to 12 but my mum constantly comments on my weight, watches every bite I eat and always buys me massive clothes for presents. She is very underweight and struggles to fit into a size 6. The problem lies with your mum, not you, op. It still feels shit though.