To be quite fucking upset about a weight comment my DM made

[Hairyfairybumscary]

Back story, for as long as I can remember I've been told by various family members that I need to 'watch my weight'. My earliest memory of this weight obsession was when I was 4, I can pin point anything anybody actually said I just remember that I always felt 'fat'.

Looking back at photos from my childhood, it is clear to me now that I wasn't fat in anyway shape or form, I was just a normal child. However, by the time I realised this I had spiralled into habits of comfort eating every time my mum obsessed or nagged over my none existent weight problem. I can't ever remember feeling particularly confident - I still don't.

I can't ever remember being care free as a child and felt as though I always had my mums disapproving eye on me as I was growing up. She has never had a problem with her weight.

I lost weight when I was 17 and kept the weight off until I had my DD in 2013, so I managed to keep it off for 4 years. I had my DD and suffered with PND and it piled on.

My mum nags and nags and nags at me 'oh I hate to mention it but it scares me to death.' It scares me to death too but I'm stuck in this awful cycle of not wanting to go out for fear of seeing someone I know. I realise people with talk about my weight gain. I can see the shock in their faces when they set eyes on me and I hate it.
I feel as though my mum is embarrassed to be seen with me because of my size and it's not a particularly nice feeling but I've always felt that way.

The other day she was helping me un peg my washing from outside and she started giggling to herself. I asked what was so funny and she said that 'your jeans say 'skinny' on the label but size a size 18 isn't skinny at all.'

I thought it was quite a bitchy, nasty comment if I'm honest, completely needless. She then went on to explain that he had shown her friend some photos that she had taken of myself and DD recently,
She said 'oh [name removed by MNHQ] hardly recognised you, you must've really ballooned since she saw you last.'

I'm not blaming her for the way I am but there is no escaping the fact that the criticism of my weight is all I've were really known. I've never felt as though I'm worth much and never felt particularly good enough. I'm actually getting quite upset as I'm writing this. I could've been so different. I shy away from social situations so much so my DD is starting to miss out. I just feel as though people will be commenting on my weight and I feel disgusted with myself for letting it get this bad but I'm so down.

Oh and you don't sound "scarily" fat at size 18 and 5'6". Yes, maybe you could lose a little, but it happens when some people have babies. It's nothing to get scared "to death" over imo.

My mum is such a fatist. Her views are vile. She's never said anything overtly but it's constantly there. She even told me I'd have to be careful about dds weight when she was 18 months!
I've started ww the past few months and have held her at arm's length. It works much better not to have her involved. Because here's the thing, when I told her I'd lost ten pounds she wasn't actually that pleased for me! Also she brings cakes, biscuits, chocolates to the house every single time since I have started this diet! So yes, you can lose weight, and you will when you're ready, but she probably will still be a dick. It is her issue. I would be friendly but cool and detached. She is not your friend.

OP, I feel for you. I'm 'slim' - well, very much -ish these days - but my DM like yours fucked up my relationship with food from about the age of 3 or 4.

Your DM is being an outright bully though! I know it can be hard to assert yourself, but you shouldn't have to stand for it.

If she carries on, I know how you can drop 10 stone just like that

This really annoys me. Its not ok to be racist, sexist or homophobic but being judgemental about someone on account of their weight appears to be acceptable these days. It's incredibly shallow and pathetic. Its not just your mum. I hear it said all the time about other people.

FWIW I'm a size 22,yes, sometimes I wish I could be thinner, but I'm not a horrible person. People can accept me for what I am, or fuck right off. I think that would be a good approach with your mum (except you might want to phrase it more delicately) or not

What's with these mothers who seem hellbent on ruining their daughters' self-esteem via weight?

OP, I was struck at how your mother seemed to almost induce weight issues in you. I wonder if you might tell yourself that you comfort eating is actually what she wants? For her own destructive reasons, she wants you to struggle and feel crap.
It would be better for you to lose some weight - for you, your health. Taking control of your body, eating and self-esteem will break this destructive hold she has over you. Many mothers seem to need to induce bad self-eteem in their daughters this way (and others); no daughter deserves it. See her less, and let her know why; then focus on you.

Welcome to the club OP! I wasn't overweight when I was young but for as long as I can remember my mother praised me for being underweight and closely monitored everything I ate (I used to sneak food whenever I could as I was very active and always hungry). She made it quite clear that I was only "worthy" as long as I was thin and pretty. Her words to me the day before she dropped me off at Uni "If you gain weight I'll fucking kill you" she wasn't joking, and boy did it work. I was diagnosed with aneorexia at 21, I would starve myself for days on end and then binge eat, and I would exercise for 3 hours a day 6 days a week. This went on until my late 20's. I manged to stay thin enough for her approval until I met my DH at 28, then, because I felt happy and secure, I started relaxing and, god forbid, not exercising as much, and I gained weight. Went up to a size 18/20 from a 6. Jesus the comments!

Finally at 31, after I had my DS I told her to shut the fuck up about my weight, and that it was none of her damned business, I would lose weight when I wanted to, and exercise when I wanted to. To be fair, she stopped making comments to my face. Now my brother has to relay her fat shaming to me. :(

At 35 I'm trying so hard to make my life about more then my appearance. I'm a wonderful mother of 2, I have a great job, I'm almost finished my Master's Degree, I'm very fit (I do love exercise, but don't do it for 3 hours anymore!). But it can be so hard to turn off "You're useless you fucking fat pig" in my head.

YANBU, and your mother is 100% to blame for your issues.

Don't let your Mum make you feel bad about yourself. If you want to lose weight because it will make you feel happier then do it but maybe don't tell your Mum - that sounds like the sort of pressure that won't help at all!

I lost 3 stone after my last child but it took me until she was 3 years old to get round to doing it. I joined the Run, Mummy, Run group on Facebook. They are an incredibly supportive group with some amazing stories of regaining fitness. I couldn't even run to the end of the street but now I love running. Find some positive, supportive people and you'll find it much easier to get fit and healthy. Being fit and healthy doesn't necessarily mean having to be stick thin.

Oh OP, how horrible. Just remember that you are not defined by weight or size, neither is your value as a person. Like you and many others here, my mum is exactly the same. Obsessing about my weight as a child when there was nothing wrong with me. She still has bird like portions and worries herself silly about putting on weight. I remember just after my DD was born, my grandma spent an afternoon telling me how fat I'd got.

You know what, I'm a size 18 and it really doesn't bother me. I still dress well and take care of my appearance - I'm fat and happy! They don't get it at all, but then I don't need them to. You don't either.

Your DM is being rude and hurtful. Worse, she is dressing it up as 'concern'.

Yes, OP you're overweight. You know that. Does she imagine that you haven't noticed. That her jibes ( and they are jibes, not proper discussion) will push you into losing weight?

If it were me, I would shut down this topic. Simply thank her for her 'concern' but say you do not find her the right person to discuss this. Ever.

Your mother and mine must have attended the same parenting course.

My mother views slim as attractive and underweight as desirable.
Her and my sister are size 8/10. I am the 'elephant of the family' at a size 10/12 or maybe a 14 if I want to hide my "elephant body" in a comfy big jumper. In the family I was the sporty one but that wasn't seen as a positive just gave me "thick bulky legs".

I was in my 20's before I realised her calling me bonny since I was little wasn't a compliment but a reference to being overweight.

It's distorted my body image. Doesn't matter what people say, I see my reflection in a negative way.

Tell her to be supportive or shut up.

Sounds like how my mum used to be. Death has brought an end to the weight-judging, thankfully.

Some of these stories are so sad. Why do mothers choose to destruct their daughters in this way? It's callous and victimising.

Last year, DM fucked off to Canada for just over 2 months. During the time she was away I lost just over 3 stones. She came back, it was so god damn obvious how much weight I'd lost but she didn't mention it!! My SIL waded in and forcibly raised the subject 'look how well she's done with her weight whilst you've been away.' Yeah, go SIL!

I would be devastated if I ever made my DD feel the way my DM has made me feel over the years. Whether it was inadvertent or not.

I honestly believe that if there hadn't been so much obsession over my weight from such an early age then I wouldn't have weight issues.

So many critical mothers.
What the fuck is wrong with them?

So many sisters I didn't know I had.

I am 44. My mother started fat shaming me when I was tiny, all I remember from tiny is that I was fat. I look at pictures now and see a skinny little strip and wonder hos I could have believed the lies. I was supposedly a fat teen. I played rugby, hockey and tennis. I was the star shot putter for my school. Guess what I wasn't? My mother told me that I'd never have anyone love me if I was fat. The 2 men who seriously physically and emotionally abused me did so when I was skinny, I'm now roughly the same size as a baby hippo and my DH adores me, as do my friends, because they aren't shallow fuckwits who only judge people on looks.

If your DM can't refrain from being an arse, then you might be better off hieing her out of your life until she can. I'm so sorry that she has done this to you

YANBU.

In my parents' book there is no greater crime than being overweight. A memory I have from when I was six was my dad waking me up and carry a bucket of water down the hall to represent how much extra weight I was carrying.

There's a photo of me aged 12 at a wedding where I thought I was monstrous - I was rocking a 34-24-34 womanly figure (could've passed for 18).

My weight has frequently spiralled out of control as an adult and I'm pretty much convinced it's all tangled up with that.

I can resonate what other people say regarding judging others on weight too.

My friend from school who is a similar size to myself but maybe a bit shorter fell pregnant. She had a really rough pregnancy, had to be hospitalised for morning sickness several times amongst various other problems. She actually lost 2 stones in weight whilst pregnant. She had to be induced and had a really long tough labour and delivery. I showed my mum a picture of her holding her newborn from her hospital bed.
The only fucking thing she could say was 'oh she could do with losing some weight!!'

What a horrible thing to say.

OP, my mother was the same. It started when I was very young, she decided I was "hyperactive" so restricted sugar and additives, immediately setting food up to be a battleground. I went from being a little girl of normal size and appetite, to one who would eat in secret so became chubby which of course shifted the focus onto my weight. She tried to dress it up as concern, but I was far from oblivious to how unkind some of the comments were and the real disgust with which they were delivered.
Unsurprisingly I developed an eating disorder in my teens, and whilst I now, at 40, have things more or less under control I don't think my relationship with food will ever be normal and uncomplicated.
My mum was always naturally slim with a healthy appetite so I don't know where the disgust came from.

Ooh. Next time she makes a negative comment, fix her with a stare and say 'I have decided that every time you comment on my weight in a negative way, I will eat a cake.' For maximum impact, produce a foil-wrapped cake and eat it. While staring at her.

Not entirely serious here but I bet the look on her face would be priceless the comments would probably dry up too.

How unkind. My DM doesn't do it about weight (am anorexic, though that's always said as an accusation rather than a fact/concern) but does about all other aspects of my appearance or about food I am/not eating. It's so draining. It's so hard to say something as you end up being pushed into the little girl/mummy relationship. I don't have any advice but you do have my sympathy.

I follow a lot of body positivity pages on Facebook and Instagram and saw the attached photo a while back. It's on my fridge at the moment as the sentiment really resonates. Maybe it's one that will work for you?

My mother's the same OP. It hurts like hell doesn't it. I've always tried to make her proud but the weight issue has always gotten in the way.

My parents used to make similar comments, looking back I was so skinny, it's so sad.

You have to say something to your mum as you don't want your dd hearing such comments when she's older. When my mum said something comparing dd2's weight with dd1, I said "we don't talk about body shape or weight in this house, don't mention anything like that again".

You have to say something for your sake and your DDs. be brave and do it.

Your mum is largely responsible for your poor self image in the first place and not only that, is not sticking up for you now either.

My mum is exactly the same - just trying to make herself feel good at my expense. I never understood it and now I've got my own kids I understand it even less. It's a really shit thing to do.

The only thing you can do is acknowledge that she will never change - people like that never do - and see if you can change your reaction. I find 'did you mean to be so rude?' to be quite effective as well as reminding my narc mother that she isn't perfect either... It's the only way.

Be kind to yourself. You are perfect the way you are. If you want to lose weight, do it in your own terms and in your own time.

OP your post was so so sad to read. You poor thing. All the for you. I want to give poor little childhood you a big hug.
YADNBU. Definitely, definitely.
I'm not fat. I went the other way. In my family, fat was practically the worst thing you could possibly be. The stupid thing is my parents are generally very liberal and chilled out, but 'fat' was always the butt of the jokes, the punchline. Never directly at me, but constantly around me while I was growing up.
I ended up self harming and with serious anorexia/food issues from 13/14. I never really resolved it until I had my DD at 22 and realised that my body was actually deserving of love, to have done this amazing thing and produced this lovely child. (Sorry bit sickly there but ykwim). As an adult, I realise that so much of it came from my mum's absolute hatred of herself. She is one of the most unhappy people I know. She thinks she looks disgusting.

Someone's size is of literally no relevance to them as a person. Awesome people come in all shapes and sizes, and anyone who can't see that is losing out and doing the rest of us a favour by keeping out of the way!
Like you, I worry about the influence of my mum in particular on my DD. My mum still, at 50, can't just relax and enjoy life without worrying about how she looks. I honestly think she will spend the rest of her life in a battle with her own body and it's sad. Once you realise that there are much more important things to worry about than a belly roll (or three or four!), it's incredibly liberating. Your body shouldn't dictate your happiness.

Beauty comes from within.
Size 18 is not massively overweight.
I would never judge anyone by their weight but I yo-yo as well.
You do need to get out and about though.
Most people don't judge and the ones who do can FOTTFSOF!

Op I hear you too.

Im 5'6 and I've never been over a size 16 in my life and I've had the whole lot from my mum. She used to call me her baby elephant when I was a little normally sized girl.

I realised in the last five years it's how she judges herself. It's not really to do with me, she's just projecting. She was the pretty little blonde girl next a plainer older sister and grew up with everyone focused on her looks. She was a stunning platinum blonde 60s waif admittedly but where I judge my confidence on my abilities, relationships, career, qualification, how much good I do in the world - her focus is on how she looks. It's made it tremendously difficult for her as she's got older. I just feel sorry for her now and she's told firmly to butt out if she tries - I'm fit and strong and can do things she never could, I am not going to be worrying if I'm a size 10 or 16 while I do it. I've tried to keep my two girls focused on what their bodies can do and putting quality food in so they can do these things, hopefully it helps them not feel like I did, the only outright ban has been energy drinks and I do restrict fizzy juice but that's for dental health more than anything.