To be quite fucking upset about a weight comment my DM made

[Hairyfairybumscary]

Back story, for as long as I can remember I've been told by various family members that I need to 'watch my weight'. My earliest memory of this weight obsession was when I was 4, I can pin point anything anybody actually said I just remember that I always felt 'fat'.

Looking back at photos from my childhood, it is clear to me now that I wasn't fat in anyway shape or form, I was just a normal child. However, by the time I realised this I had spiralled into habits of comfort eating every time my mum obsessed or nagged over my none existent weight problem. I can't ever remember feeling particularly confident - I still don't.

I can't ever remember being care free as a child and felt as though I always had my mums disapproving eye on me as I was growing up. She has never had a problem with her weight.

I lost weight when I was 17 and kept the weight off until I had my DD in 2013, so I managed to keep it off for 4 years. I had my DD and suffered with PND and it piled on.

My mum nags and nags and nags at me 'oh I hate to mention it but it scares me to death.' It scares me to death too but I'm stuck in this awful cycle of not wanting to go out for fear of seeing someone I know. I realise people with talk about my weight gain. I can see the shock in their faces when they set eyes on me and I hate it.
I feel as though my mum is embarrassed to be seen with me because of my size and it's not a particularly nice feeling but I've always felt that way.

The other day she was helping me un peg my washing from outside and she started giggling to herself. I asked what was so funny and she said that 'your jeans say 'skinny' on the label but size a size 18 isn't skinny at all.'

I thought it was quite a bitchy, nasty comment if I'm honest, completely needless. She then went on to explain that he had shown her friend some photos that she had taken of myself and DD recently,
She said 'oh [name removed by MNHQ] hardly recognised you, you must've really ballooned since she saw you last.'

I'm not blaming her for the way I am but there is no escaping the fact that the criticism of my weight is all I've were really known. I've never felt as though I'm worth much and never felt particularly good enough. I'm actually getting quite upset as I'm writing this. I could've been so different. I shy away from social situations so much so my DD is starting to miss out. I just feel as though people will be commenting on my weight and I feel disgusted with myself for letting it get this bad but I'm so down.

My earliest memory of this weight obsession was when I was 4

Yuck

I'm not blaming her for the way I am

She is the reason quite frankly. She sounds awful.

Can you afford private therapy? Or feel like you can speak to the GP for an NHS referral? Emotional eating is a very common and fixable (with work obviously) problem. There are also loads of self help options out there, also make sure to look into help for general body image problems. Have a google about and see.

My SIL was very, very overweight until she got some therapy and worked it all out and came up with new coping mechanisms, she's lost the weight and it's been off for ages now.

Sorry your mother is such a dick, nobody deserves that.

This is not helpful but I read research a few months ago that shows that people who believe they are overweight will over eat - even if they are not.

My mum did the same to me, but unlike your mum, she always did struggle with her weight, and always worried about mine. I wasn't fat either till I got a bad comfort eating / drinking habit in my teens. Now I yo-yo like a... yo-yo.

dd1 is skinny and dd2 is plumper (although I think that is just her age) and my mum sent some clothes for dd1 saying "They look long enough I think and dd1 does not have a problem with girth...." It was unsaid but to me I felt like it was booming off the page "Unlike you and dd2" and I dread her saying something in front of dd2 one day.

Enough about me. I just wanted to send you these and sympathise. It's hurtful and it's nasty. But it's not you, it's her.

It would be lovely to think that a nice chat with your DM would make her see the error of her ways but since she has been so fucking awful insensitive for so long I think it's a lost cause. As an adult, you are entitled to set boundaries and I think a useful boundary here might be that DM does not comment on anything to do with your weight, looks or eating habits. Ever. How about any variation of these retorts, depending on how confrontational you want to be:

That's really hurtful, please don't comment on my weight/looks/eating habit again. Actually, I'd rather not discuss these things with you any more. I know you're worried but it's my business and I'm not going to talk about it with you. You're being rude again. Please change the subject mum. Would you be that rude to one of your friends? Shut the fuck up.

Use broken record technique and refuse to discuss. You sound like you've been patient too long - probably because you're a naturally nice person.

I think it would be good for you to do some work on your self esteem and assertion.
Then you can tell her what you want to and make decisions about your life based on your own views
Ideally a counsellor would help you work through your issues with your mother and the social anxiety you are now beginning to feel as you think that her judgement is global. It isn't btw.
A woman in your own right by Anne Dickson is an excellent book and might help you to begin with

As another post said, you are only one size above average. I think for a person to lose weight they need to be in the right mindset, badgering from others is very unlikely to be helpful to anyone.
I think you need to take her by surprise next time, be ready and waiting for a putdown, feel the anger and state what you said earlier very firmly, as in you've been saying this for x amount of years and it has never worked. I would add, 'and I think it's time you stopped now because you are seriously bringing me down'.
You are you as you are, and deserve to be seen as perfect from your mum. If she has health concerns apart from weight, she is wrong to think slim is the answer to everything. Good luck xx

Your DM is the one with the weight problem.

What you maybe don't realise is that you hold all the cards now. As an adult and a mother, you really can say that comments about weight, size and eating habits are no longer accetable. They're not acceptable to you and you will be protecting your DD from them. Don't get drawn into feeling you have to argue and give reasons other than I don't like them - they're not acceptable. Then remove youreelf and DD with a matter offact, bright and breezy comment like Granny's being daft, we'll have to come back another time. Leave. Be consistent. Say what you want and act on it calmly and firmly. Toddler training for your Mum Your secret weapon is your DD. Granny will want to see her so Granny will learn to respect your adult boundaries.

Op it's worth finding a counsellor to talk to because that behaviour is beyond unacceptable from your mother.. What a crappy nasty thing to say

I would have a think about other ways she treats you I'm massively willing to bet she's a nasty piece of work to you on a lot of issues (also willing to bet she's convinced you she's a lovely person)

This issue has jack to do with your size or a number .... You could be size freaking zero and she'd find something

Get some support you absolutely deserve it

(And the "it worries me to death" bollocks is Gaslighting at its finest and abusive)

*You've lost perspective because you're surrounded by wankers

a size 18 is one size larger than average*

^^This. Although I'd say you've not lost perspective, you've probably never had it if the horrible comments started when you were 4 years old.

I've been overweight all my life but fortunately I've not been subjected to the crap you've had to put up with from your mother. It's inexcusable really.

What exactly is she "scared to death" about? You're only a size 18 for pity's sake. I'm a size 18 and bloody delighted about it, having lost a lot of weight recently. I'd be devastated if someone commented on my weight now, considering where I was eighteen months ago. Why don't people think before they open their traps? It makes me so cross.

RachaelZoe can you say what kind of therapy would be good for emotional eating?

Ah, sounds like my life. Big big hugs xxx

That's awful, what a beeatch! Really nasty, snide comments and the giggling I would have stuck up for you if I was there.

My mum is the same, absolutely obsessed and the never-ending critical put-downs. It's one of the reasons I cut off contact finally. I've had "tree trunk legs" "oh darling, look at your spare tyre" "you'll always be that little bit overweight" How much weight have you gained this pregnancy? It's too much, isn't it?"

She is plain rude and in the wrong to speak to you like this and it doesn't matter that she's your mum, that doesn't give her the right to hurt your feelings. And from age four :(

You need to blank her out somehow ot play bingo with the comments and laugh at them and pull her up on them. "Wow mum that was bitchy, are you having a bad day?"

My weight has fluctuated, as has most women's and I promise you I never, ever see someone who's a size 18 or whatever and think they shouldn't be out and about. All I think is "Hi X" or "Oh there's my friend Y". Please don't let your mum's twisted view of the world affect what you do.

What a bitch. Sorry to insult your mum but the way she's behaving to you is awful. I'm also quite sensitive about my weight due to comments from family over the years and I would find those comments really upsetting. The skinny jeans one is just needdlessly nasty for the sake of it.

Also I doubt people are looking at you in disgust as you go out and about. A size 18 at 5 foot 6 is obviously larger than average but it's not exactly a shocking size. I'm a 16 and a couple of inches shorter so probably in similar proportion and I do look chubby but still pretty normal, as I'm sure you do too!

It's not like there are no clothes on the high st size 18 and further up. Your mum's attitude to weight is the problem as a previous post said. Also agree with the post that let's you know you that now you have your DD as leverage for decent and acceptable behaviour. You know your mum best and cutting off contact is not best IMO, but feeling the anger rather than being passive and stating the obvious in a calm and firm way should work.
Be prepared for objections, e.g. but I'm only saying it for your own good. 'The way you say it doesn't help me personally in any way', 'hasn't ever worked so please just stop', 'you do realise tho that these comments really upset me and don't help at all'.
I would be very direct and say you are putting me down with your snide comments, would you like me to pick faults with gd or is it best to cherish n love?

Hope I made sense, feel anger to enable yourself to make firm comments. Don't be passive but clear and to the point. Be ready so she doesn't trip you up xxx

Anyone this horrible about weight definitely has a weight problem.

My mum is thin but she is quite obsessed about it. The comments she makes about people are often based on weight and thinner is always better - My brother eats much less than me despite being 8 inches taller and he's very underweight but yet no comments from her encouraging him to fatten up.

You need to start asserting boundaries so she doesn't feel able to make such horrible comments. Asking her not to will not make it stop as its clearly a pattern of your relationship. I think some counselling for you would be really helpful because your self esteem sounds like its on the floor. You need to practice being assertive. You need to have a sentence to close the conversation down that you can wheel out. Practice saying it out loud when you're alone. It may be worth seeing much less of her and you would be perfectly reasonable if you decided to leave after comments from her. That may feel a bit much at the moment but I think if you got some counselling to improve your self esteem you may be able to in the future.

I'm 5 '6" and size 18. It has never been a problem or a hindrance. At times I was a 16 but mostly 18. Ok, sometimes there's a lump where I don't want it..... So I wear a holdy inny vesty type vest if I want to look smooth on a special occasion. Big boobs, no bum, so bras have to be fitted properly. And elastic waisted begging let me get comfort.

Honestly, ive never sat in.... My DH just loves me....I dress for my shape and get out there.

Op..... you are beautiful, when you get out there you will see that everyone is different, and all will have their own particular issues.
I was about 12 when my crabby mother said to my aunt, in my presence......No matter what she wears she never looks like anything......

Well, I did my best, as I grew up and by 18 made sure I'd a decent haircut. Make up done properly and decent grooming. Never had much cash as dm took most for housekeeping. But I made the most of my cash, went to the dances, was friendly, and had a good social life. A few drinks more than I should have at times but they served to just lift confidence levels a little.

And you know what..... DM was wrong. !!
I did look like something...And still do.

OP, we are the same size. Others are looking at you and wishing to be like you.

Good advice uppost on how to approach your dm without falling out.

Good luck, please enjoy your young years. Counselling could help.
But NO MORE PUT DOWNS FROM MUM......step back mum......you're overstepping mum.

Hairyfairybumscary I am so sorry you are having these problems with your mum.

My mum is lovely but she has gone on about my weight for many years.

I am an impulse eater and do need to lose weight (genuinely) but I can tell you, as others have pointed out, that being in a happy place and feeling confident etc is really crucial to be being comfortable in our own body and feeling empowered to eat well etc and not over eat. Although even so it is still very hard to lose.

Whether you wish to lose weight or not at the moment, IMHO, is up to you and if you do choose to there are so many things to try. But building up your confidence first i, or at the same time, is essential. Please see if you can see a counsellor, speak to yr GP and see if anything is on offer locally. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for overeating may be useful, if you really are overweight.

Mind may have some useful courses on self esteem.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/#.VlZGV7-vOE8

In my humble opinion you could separate these two 'issues', weight loss/how you feel about your own weight etc ... as opposed to your mums comments. Tackle your mums comments by calming explaining that they are unhelpful and hurtful and then go broken record, just repeating. "Do you mean to be offensive? Or "That comment is unhelpful" etc.

I sympathize, OP, and empathize unfortunately. (I live overseas and my parents visited recently. Within a day of arriving my mother asked when I was having a tummy tuck, and told me she didn't make us a Christmas cake because "that's hardly going to help you, is it?"

No real advice, from plenty of solidarity with you.

My mother used to do this.

She's an amazing mother, she loves me so much. But.... I don't think she realised how terrible it made me feel.
When I was 30 she made a (relatively) innocuous comment about me not fitting in a dress anymore. She didn't mean it horribly but I went apeshit, I burst out into tears and banned her from ever commenting either negatively or positively about my figure. I think she was really shaken up, she didn't realise how much hurt it had caused and actually how much I still value myself, in inverted terms, with my weight.

Five years on she comments positively about when I've lost weight, would probably be aghast that this means now that when she doesn't comment I take it as a criticism for gaining weight. But it's getting better.

I will never, ever comment on either of my daughters' weight. It may be hard sometimes I guess (right now they're 2 and 6 so I can't imagine) but it doesn't help, at all. It only makes things worse. Your mother needs to know this.

My mother (why is it always the mother?) always tells me if I've put on weight. I don't really mind because I know myself if I've put on weight, half my clothes won't fit me, so she's only telling the truth. I use it as a motivator to lose some weight. Nowhere near as blunt as the op's mother obviously. Let me tell you something though, if you're a man and you put on weight, then God help you with your buddies because they are absolutely merciless!

I let my mother have it, both barrels when she kept on and on about weight gain during my pregnancies. She seems to think that hardly having a bump when she was pregnant with us made her a better mother. She's awfully competitive.

I had to accecpt that she came from an era when women were dependent on men and they had to stay "trim and sexy" to serve his needs or he would stray and then they'd be in poverty.. Being fat really was an excuse for him to dip his wick somewhere else. Also there was a social pecking order amongst the women of who was "out of control" and who was a success/ managing. Those who had ribs sticking out were obviously superior and more attractive than those who were fat in my mother's book of judgement.

Thankfully things have moved on and mothers don't need to smoke endless fags and pop Valium to stay married to some size-ist pillock in order they have a roof over their heads.

My mother has huge issues with food and is bulimic, so when she comments about weight or figures, I know she's just talking about herself and her own fears. Nothing about me.

I've threatened to stop her seeing her GCs if she doesn't stop talking about being "lovely and slim" or any of that shit. Shut her up pdq.
Life's too short to put up with any crap IMO, especially if you don't own it yourself.

Just be yourself as you sound lovely OP.
Try and stay fit and don't worry about weight or size. Fitness is key. Walk for 30 minutes a day and don't think about calories, size or crazy comments from someone from a past, less enlightened age.

Get the buggy out, beanie on and sunnies on and go for a walk. Fresh air is very good way to get a fresh perspective as you meet so many people!

Awful. So rude of your mother to carry on like that. She should be bucking you up, not tearing you down.

She needs to atone for her meanness. Put her to work for you. Tell her regaining your health especially your mental health is paramount. Make her babysit while you take long, vigorous walks or play sport with your friends. Ask her to cook you some good, healthy meals. More action, less sniping. It will do her good, too.

I really don't understand why you want to protect her. It's fine for her to say hurtful things to you and upset you but not have some home truths in return?

So OK she has clearly chipped away at your self esteem so much that you consider yourself less important. But what about your dc, surely you want to protect them from this shite?????

I reckon if she backs off the weight will come off anyway. Tell her where to get off and do it today op. Alternatively pm me her number and I'll send her a text.

Yanbu. My family are nowhere near as bad as your mum but they still have to make comments about weight - not necessarily mine but just in general. I am nipping that shit right in the bud now before the conversations can even begin as I now have a DD who I never want to hear these comments. Even the "oh doesn't so and so look fabulous after losing some weight" type comments are not welcome around my DD. I would leave someone's home if they didn't stfu in front of her when asked, but then I'm a bit Bolshi!