To say this friend can't come round for Christmas

[lastqueenofscotland]

Basically my ddad died 10 years ago. Since then Xmas day has ALWAYS been just my siblings and I and mum even now we are all "grown up" it's my favourite day of the year, pretty much the only time we get "just us" as a family. It can be a slightly hard time especially for mum, as they adored each other. As such we don't really rock the boat on the day.

A good friend of mine from school (so known her for around 15 years) mum moved abroad this year and she can't afford to go, her dad lives nearby but she doesn't want to go cause she doesn't want to spend Xmas with her step mum who "nags" because she is messy (she is)
She's asked if she can come to ours for the day (would be my mums house), Aibu just say no?

I'm worried it's mean but it's another person to cater for and tidy up after, and it messes with tradition we've all enjoyed for a decade.

I wanted to check what she'd be expecting first? Ie did she want the whole day? Just for some food and drink?
Is that really that odd? There were no conditions! I jokingly mentioned that we'd all need to pull our weight as we do every year!

Is that really that odd?

Sorry I didn't explain well.

It sounds odd that she expects to go round to people's houses, be waited on and not help out and let them tidy when she isn't there. She also does this that much you knew what she would be expecting.

Still haven't explained.

Basically her expectations are odd and it's odd that she thinks that's ok

I think a lot of people are projecting on to this friend.
The OP knows the friend and thinks she's a bit idle. The friend's reason for not wanting to go to her dad's was that she didn't want to tidy up. When told she might have to tidy up she changed her mind.
Some people are that self centred.
I wouldn't want to impose someone like that on my family.

I get you.

Her mum is an excellent host from what I remember (I've not seen her for a few years) and never let guests raise a finger, I think she expects everyone else to be the same when she is a guest. Regardless if context or length of stay.

I'm guessing g the OP told he friend she would have to pull her weight because she knows what a lazy mare she is. And she was right.

OP YANBU, for me Christmas is about seeing my family. It's not like she doesn't have anywhere to go, she just doesn't want to have to put a few dishes in the dishwasher. I hate having to wait on people.

Do you honestly think your mum will say yes? It doesn't sound like she would anyway. I'd tell your friend it isn't possible because you all spend Christmas at your mums house and she likes it to be her and her dds. She has another option.

Absolutely not. Unless your a relative it's just not on to ask to spend Christmas with somebody. And even then people usually wait to be asked. Especially as it's not even at your house. It is hard making an excuse though. Because you can't exactly say well I'd rather you didn't come. I'd feel more sympathy if it was an old person that literally had nowhere else to go but be lonely. But that's not true in her case.

I'd be vague and say it's not decided whether it's at your Mums or your sisters so you can't commit to inviting anyone.

You have to say no because clearly you don't want her there! As someone else has already said, just tell her that you'd love to have her even though you wouldn't but you're going to your mum's for the day with your sister and as with the previous 10 years its a family tradition of just the 3 of you.

I read this whole thread thinking if it was a deeper family issue surely the friend would have been better off saying that it was than the nagging about cleaning up excuse.
Now all you have to do is say no to your friend which will obviously be no hardship seeing as she's already back peddling due to being a bit of a lazy mare as most of us had figured out.
Was really horrible of those of you who tried to guilt the op into making her ask her mum and were making out the op was mean!
Hope you have a lovely Christmas op. [santa]

I think you are either a person who can do this, or you're not. You're clearly not so just say no.

And whilst I would have said yes she could come, not that she'd have had to ask in the first place - it really is ok to want to be alone with your family on the day. Just say no, Im sorry, it wont work out. No explanations, nothing, because when you start to explain you very often back yourself into a corner through embarrassment.

Ha! Well I'm glad you did check with her, and now you have your answer - no she can't come because she clearly wants to be waited on hand and foot and that's just not going to happen at your mum's house, so she wouldn't be a welcome addition to the party.

So presumably she has now uninvited herself and you no longer have a problem?

Thumb yep she has now uninvited herself

Hurrah!

I really don't understand people saying just say no, she has somewhere else to go. How mean-spirited. Inn-keepers and stables spring to mind.

We always have a houseful and very often I don't know some of the people till they turn up on the day with my kids so I completely agree with you - but for some people having anyone outside of their immediate family circle just isn't on and that is ok as well. Can you imagine what it would be like being an unwelcome guest any day of the year let alone Christmas Day?

Thank goodness! She sounds like a right lazy cow. Once it became apparent that she wouldn't be waited on, she's buggered off!!

See, there is being hospitable and there is being used by a lazy person. This was option B.

"I really don't understand people saying just say no, she has somewhere else to go. How mean-spirited."

What, so she should just invite herself to wherever she fancies & expect to be included?

What does it say about her that she considers not going to see her dad because she doesn't want to have to anything?

Thank goodness she has uninvited herself. Saves you an awkward conversation. I can't believe she has uninvited herself because she would be expected to not sit on her arse as a guest in someone's house all day!

Glad it resolved itself Last Queen. I dont think YWBU to have doubts. My sister brought all manner of randoms home when she was at Uni and the first few years of her twenties as she knew a lot of overseas students etc. Some of them were a massive laugh, some were basically a PITA. Weirdly, it was often hard to tell which way things were going to go.

What a cheeky mare.

Mind you op surely this family Christmas can't continue for ever?

Don't you guys want to spend Christmas Day with your partners?

Now we have a dil and ours are older we accept things will evolve and change and that's life.

I understand you have lost your dad but do you see the possibility of this all family thing changing? Would your mum be ok with that?

Bollocks I'd like to see dp on Xmas day however we'd both like to see our families... Who live 300 miles apart so both in a day just isn't doable. So as we have no kids it hasn't been discussed!