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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say this friend can't come round for Christmas

121 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 25/11/2015 21:13

Basically my ddad died 10 years ago. Since then Xmas day has ALWAYS been just my siblings and I and mum even now we are all "grown up" it's my favourite day of the year, pretty much the only time we get "just us" as a family. It can be a slightly hard time especially for mum, as they adored each other. As such we don't really rock the boat on the day.

A good friend of mine from school (so known her for around 15 years) mum moved abroad this year and she can't afford to go, her dad lives nearby but she doesn't want to go cause she doesn't want to spend Xmas with her step mum who "nags" because she is messy (she is)
She's asked if she can come to ours for the day (would be my mums house), Aibu just say no?

I'm worried it's mean but it's another person to cater for and tidy up after, and it messes with tradition we've all enjoyed for a decade.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2015 22:14

Just tell your friend that it's at your mums house and will have to ask her and let her know. She must be desparate to ask.

BreakfastLunchPasta · 25/11/2015 22:14

I can see both sides too.
I totally appreciate it's the season of good will, but I'm a bit set in my ways and wouldn't fancy having to entertain a non family member on Christmas Day either...especially if they'd expect to be looked after and were unlikely to tidy up after themselves, I like to take it easy too.

I think I would invite her on Christmas Eve or St Stephens Day instead, and explain that Christmas Day is family only.
She sounds a bit cheeky. If you say yes she might expect to come every year

HesterShaw · 25/11/2015 22:17

I agree with the pp who said about traditions becoming strait jackets. Christmas should be for everyone not just those lucky enough to have close family. We're having two friends round this year who'd otherwise have nowhere to go. It's going to make it a bit different I think. And, in the nicest possible way, it's been 10 years now...things will have to change at some point.

TendonQueen · 25/11/2015 22:21

I could be wrong, but 'we don't really rock the boat.. it's mum's day' sounds as if you're all scared of upsetting her. I know you said you enjoy the time just with your family, but how much would that be diminished by anyone else being there? Plus this will have to change if one of the siblings has a child, as the partner/other parent will then expect to be with them both for Christmas Day, either at your mother's or somewhere else. Change is going to come.

GruntledOne · 25/11/2015 22:22

You and your sister separate from your partners at Christmas? Seriously?

KeepOnMoving1 · 25/11/2015 22:25

This is so odd, whAt would happen if you or your sister wants to bring a partner? Will they be allowed. I think for your friend to ask, means that she must be in a bad place. Nobody will really ask to join another family for Xmas unless they are in a situation.
And shouldn't it be a day for all of you, not only your mum?

Italiangreyhound · 25/11/2015 22:31

lastqueenofscotland It's your call and your mum and sisters, ask them all and see what they think if you want to.

I do agree with others that traditions will change, one or other of you will get a husband or boyfriend who does not want to be left out on Christmas day, and maybe kids one day who cannot be left out on Christmas day. Also, as each year passes it may be easier for your mum to consider a different kind of Christmas.

Last year we adopted a son - and we had planned a family Christmas with me, hubby, dd (10 year old birth child) and our new son. I had imagined our happy family of four for many years (about 8 years trying for number 2) and had imaged our first Christmas would be just us, as adoption services usually recommend just the immediate family for the first Christmas.

Then I decided to invite our daughter's Godmother (my friend). She has no family in the UK and is single with no kids. She had been to us before at Christmas but I had been hesitant as this was our special first ever family of four Christmas. Guess what. It was fabulous with Godmother too! She made a gingerbread house with dd and pirate cakes with ds (then 4), babysat on Christmas eve so hubby and I could both go to midnight communion and was brilliantly active and helpful, fun to chat to and just a lovely addition to our Christmas. I and the kids are sad she is going elsewhere for Christmas day this year and hope she will rejoin us again soon.

We also have an early and late Christmas celebration with various family members.

Why not suggest to your mum and siblings that you will have a special day with just you lot either just before or just after Christmas, perhaps the Sunday before or after - start a new tradition. It could be one you will almost certainly be able to keep even if you all get partners or kids, you can keep the 'Sunday before' as a special day for just you lot and have additional people around on the actual Christmas day. Just an idea.

magimedi · 25/11/2015 22:36

I am an atheist but I do believe in some of the fundamentals of the Christian religion.

One of them is charity & being kind.

It must have taken a lot for her to ask for a place at Christmas & to say no is just so not the spirit of that day.

Open your home to her & if you won't & she lives near me she is more than welcome here.

Christmas is not about presents & traditions, it is about sharing. I've had many non family come to us for Christmas & they have always bought joy to the day.

How would you like to be alone on that day?

Waltermittythesequel · 25/11/2015 22:39

It's not OP's home to open though.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2015 22:40

mag I totally agree, if she is a good friend and you enjoy her company, invite her.

Damselindestress · 25/11/2015 22:44

I'd just say no. It's your mum's home and she prefers to spend Xmas with just family. She shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in front of guests if she is emotional. Your friend should understand. It isn't like she is alone on Christmas, she could spend it with her dad but doesn't want to.

ProcessYellowC · 25/11/2015 22:49

Hmm I agree with the others that the tradition may have to change at some point - but from your words this doesn't sound like the person to change it for. This will sound awful, but if she can't modify her behaviour to just get along nicely with her stepmother for one day, is she really the person who will fit nicely into your normal Christmas?

To avoid hurt feelings (and it sounds like you are in a catch 22, if she does come and you resent her being there/she does something daft to rock the boat) I'd probably appeal to your siblings and mum to put down the law on her not coming. She isn't alone, she does have her dad and stepmother to spend Christmas with, she just chooses not to.

{disclaimer I'm a grouch and hate Christmas day - I love the idea though that you have a family/mum's day and really come together to support your mum}

MrsMolesworth · 25/11/2015 22:53

You just say you'd love to meet up with her over Christmas at some stage but you can't on Christmas Day because you're at your mum's with family and they've made plans. I'd say something different if she didn't have family nearby but she does.

WitchWay · 25/11/2015 22:57

I think it's a bit weird to still be having the "just mum & (grown-up) kids" Christmas ten years after your father died.

It sounds as if no-one has properly moved on yet. I feel sorry for your friend

scarlets · 25/11/2015 23:02

Your mother seems to rule the roost when it comes to Christmas. It doesn't sound very joyful tbh. Shaking things up just a little bit this year may be a healthy thing to do, for everyone's sake (the time will come when you/your sister can't go for whatever reason, and the longer this tradition is entrenched, the harder it'll be to say you've other plans). Your friend could be a breath of fresh air.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/11/2015 23:05

I think your mother will sort this out for you - ask her, and she'll either say a flat no, or agree.

If she says no then you obviously have to tell your friend that your mum says no; but if she says yes, or leaves it up to you, then I think you should take your friend with you.

Depending on the type of person she is, the type of friend too, she'll probably be so happy to be somewhere nice that she'll be very helpful and do as much as she can to minimise any inconvenience caused by her being there.

Pennybun4 · 25/11/2015 23:07

Unlike WW I don't think it wierd at all OP, you and your family do exactly what you want for as long as you want. I think it is lovely you want to remember your DDad in this quiet and dignified manner over Christmas. Your friend should and will understand if they are a true friend.

manicinsomniac · 25/11/2015 23:15

How do you feel about the tradition? Is it what you want as well as your mum.

I sympathise with your situation. My Dad died 7 years ago and my mum had the opposite reaction. We always did Christmas at my parents with just my sister and my kids but after my Dad died my mum couldn't cope with celebrations there and with just the same people so we now go to extended family which is absolutely huge. I hate the volume of people and being away from home. I feel very trapped and the dad shaped hole seems bigger because it's all his family (my mum's immediate family - mum and brother - are also dead so I can see why she wants to surround herself with people). However, I feel like I have to go along with what she wants because her grief is the biggest and most important.

Could it be similar for you? If so, it might be worth gently rocking the boat a bit and seeing what happens.

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 25/11/2015 23:16

Yes this is what I'm struggling with, the only reason she doesn't want to do Xmas at her dad and stepmothers is because she doesn't want to be nagged about tidying up after herself on Xmas day. (There is a tiny bit of me that can't help read this as she will won't tidy up after herself at mums, who has a pet hate about washing up/putting things in dishwasher not done instantly)

I will offer her Xmas eve afternoon/evening for dinner and drinks as long/late as she likes. I'll have to give the day itself a long hard think.

I know I'm stalking as I don't want to upset my mother which sounds daft, I don't want to drip feed but it's the only day a year she likes things her own way. It's tricky as she is the most remarkable woman and mother which makes me quite liable to give in to her one folly a year!

OP posts:

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 25/11/2015 23:30

That is a really lovely post magi.

I especially agree with the sentiment that, despite being an atheist, I do embrace some of the basic Christian values.

OP, I would really struggle to say no to your friend.

As other people have said, this tradition of your mum's day won't continue forever.

When you and your siblings have committed partnerships, and children, there will have to be compromise.

I'm amazed at the number of posters saying 'just say no'

ProcessYellowC · 25/11/2015 23:32

Doesn't sound daft at all , and your Christmas-eve compromise sounds great.

I love my MIL to bits, but although I am always extra-helpful in tidying up and putting stuff away after meals, it does grate on me when she starts clearing everything away when we haven't even all finished yet. DH's family are used to it and ignore her, but I feel I have to be helpful, so wolf down what's left on my plate, spring up and help clear up. Every year I put on my best smiley-face - which I do because I am so grateful for everything they do for us and I know a lovely Christmas is so important to her. Sorry this isn't meant to sound like I think I'm great, but just that I get where you are coming from in differing expectations for Christmas get-togethers!

Good luck whatever you decide

GreenPotato · 25/11/2015 23:33

OP's mother doesn't have to "move on". If this close, exclusive family day gives her comfort, that's understandable. Also, I think partners and spouses (and maybe then kids of course) do become involved with family Christmases as time goes on because you are a unit. But that's a bit different from a friend who invited themselves!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 25/11/2015 23:34

OK then.

The other side of the coin is that it's a bit pathetic if your friend can't cope with tidying up after herself.

If you do end up entertaining her, make it clear that that's a condition.

And on the day chivvy her up to do her share.

ProcessYellowC · 25/11/2015 23:37

Hang on, hang on, don't think that the OP has said her or her sisters' partnerships are not committed? Just because they don't spend Christmas day together - does that not make them committed couples ?

SolidGoldBrass · 25/11/2015 23:37

Thing is, it really, really isn't up to OP. It's up to OP's mum as it's the mum's house. And it's not that this friend is all alone, it's that she doesn't want to go to her stepmother's because she would have to chip in with the domestic work, so she will be expecting OP's mum to wait on her.
OP, you could raise it with your mum and then tell your friend that your mum says no - and then stand your ground if friend whines and tries to persuade you not to go to your mum's but entertain friend instead...

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