To say this friend can't come round for Christmas

[lastqueenofscotland]

Basically my ddad died 10 years ago. Since then Xmas day has ALWAYS been just my siblings and I and mum even now we are all "grown up" it's my favourite day of the year, pretty much the only time we get "just us" as a family. It can be a slightly hard time especially for mum, as they adored each other. As such we don't really rock the boat on the day.

A good friend of mine from school (so known her for around 15 years) mum moved abroad this year and she can't afford to go, her dad lives nearby but she doesn't want to go cause she doesn't want to spend Xmas with her step mum who "nags" because she is messy (she is)
She's asked if she can come to ours for the day (would be my mums house), Aibu just say no?

I'm worried it's mean but it's another person to cater for and tidy up after, and it messes with tradition we've all enjoyed for a decade.

Your friend might say not wanting to go to her dad's is about being nagged but the subtext is more about not feeling welcome. She sees your close family and wishes hers was like that.

I understand not wanting to upset your mum but I also feel sorry for your friend. FWIW my dad died when I was in my teens, and since have always invited/ended up with the company of all comers, including one school friend in particular who had a pretty miserable home life and at whose house christmas basically didn't happen. Our own tradition to cope I suppose.

To me what would matter is that you are together - not that you are alone together - what happens when people meet life partners etc?

My dd is 25, it seems very popular nowadays for her agegroup to spend Xmas with their own families rather than with their partners. Dd has been with her partner for 4 years and they've never spent Xmas day together. doesn't mean they aren't madly in love with each other.

OP does your mum and sister know and get on with your friend? Also if you do decide to ask her, I would stipulate that you ALL help wash up and tidy up and that's non negotiable. She might end up deciding she doesn't twang to come after all.

*want not twang!

I am in a perfectly serious relationship! We don't spend Xmas day together as we like to see our families on Xmas day. Unfortunately the south east and the Scottish boarders do not lend themselves easily to popping round to each for a couple of hours!
As there are no kids as it stands this is not an issue.

I'm all for the Christmas spirit, and as I've said with the exception of the fact I've got to go to work on the morning of Xmas eve she's welcome to all my time beyond 11am that day. I just don't think I can bring myself to rock the boat with a month to go on the day.

Bakeoff me dp and my sisters are similar age to your dd so glad it's not just me than abandons my dp for Xmas day!

I think it's great actually that dd still wants to spend Xmas day with her family and I'm sure your mum feels the same LastQueen

OP - if you wanted her with you for the day, then you would have asked her. The fact that you haven't means that you don't want her there and neither will your family.

I would say no as you are going to your Mum's and it is not up to you to invite others there.

Why should you spend the day on edge and not enjoying it just because she can't be bothered to be respectful in someone else's home by being tidy.

Why should you and your family pick up after her - it's your Christmas too.

Oh, very sorry, I really didn't mean to sound like I was judging people's relationships with partners.

It's not complicated, or difficult to understand, going separate ways for Christmas when there are no children involved.

Ffs it's only one, maybe two days.

It does get more tricky when there are grandchildren, and therefore two sets of grandparents.

Oh dear let's not break the routine now..

Can't you just say laughingly "What makes you think my mum won't nag you?", then tell her seriously that it isn't your decision to make and you don't feel comfortable asking your DMum.

Rather mean to not include someone on Christmas day. Very unchristmassy

But she has her own family locally to go and be messy with, I don't know why she wants to inflict herself on the OPs family.

TBH, I think I feel quite sorry for your friend. Her mum has skipped off to another country (fine) but hasn't apparently offered to help pay for your friend to go out to her at Christmas; she sounds like she doesn't get on too well with her stepmother, and is after a bit of friendly company on Christmas Day.

I still think you should ask your Mum but I agree that you should make your expectations very clear around the day - say that your Mum is also a stickler for tidying up and putting things straight in the dishwasher, so your friend may find it no different to being at her Dad's in that respect.

If you tell her straight that she would still be expected to clear up after herself, it will be interesting to see what her reaction would be - if she still says she'd rather come to yours, there's more going on than just the "nagging" - but if she's just looking for a lazy day with no effort on her part, she'll probably back down and find something else to do anyway.

I think you're being very mean spirited! The more the merrier. Open your home and your heart.

I get its your mums house etc

However my mum would be gutted if she found out a childhood friend of mine spent Christmas alone because I daren't ask her if she come round.

Before me and dh lived together we always spent Christmas apart.

At some point OP she is going o have to change.

What about if you get married but don't have kids for a few years... Will you be scared to ask her then?

If your friend is messy, tell her that, gently.

Surely Christmas is the time for spreading good cheer

Traditions are great. They are predictable and safe and ensure everyone knows where they stand on big days.

However, they also are so predictable and safe that when one person decides to break away or change the status quo a mild panic sets it and stresses occur.

We always had a routine, I spent a few Christmases away as I lived abroad. My first Christmas home I was expected to join the current arrangement. I was bulldozed back into the tradition. With no car I was stuck to others timings of plans with an autistic 2yo in row.
It was not my best Christmas - it didn't work for me.

Things have changed over the years now with my sister having a DC, DPS, brother moving out and last year being away as he's in the forces.

The whole mindset has changed in the family - Christmas is about everyone enjoying time together but when the time suits everyone involved.

Why not ask your mum? Just ask how how she feels about the fact in a few years time Christmases will change, children will be involved and others may be involved in the day. You may find she's alright with it. Then ask her how she'd feel about your friend joining you this year.
The only thing I keep thinking is that you maybe aren't that close if you are so reluctant to even consider her joining you?

Ask your mum and its house. What does she want? This tradition will change when your siblings and yourself get partners and children.

I'd say no. She has somewhere to go, why inflict the lazy mare on your mum? I don't see her mucking in and helping out.

I would assume. there's alot more too it than.the tidying up. I expect she really doesn't get made to feel welcome. maybe the step family don't talk to her much or its assumed she will clear everything away while everyone else gets to sit down and chat etc.

I can't imagine a Xmas tradition that is so set in stone that there's no room to welcome.others into it. there's always a ton of food it's not as if it's alot of extra work.

the whole idea of Xmas is that it's about happiness and sharing and being with family. except family is more than.dna and a friend I'd known for 15 years is considered like family to me.

I think.you should ask your mum if she cab come. give her somewhere she feels welcome and can enjoy herself.

She has somewhere to go for goodness sake!

That said, how well do you all get on with her?

Might may a nice change to do something a little different.

If you don't want her there, just say no!

If you like the idea, ask your mum and the others!

Italian, that is a lovely, lovely post (way up thread). It almost made me well up and I am hardened! What a beautiful, generous and loving first Christmas with your newly grown family xx

I don't understand why people are saying the OP is being mean etc. Her friend has somewhere to go and a family to stay with she just doesn't want to. If she had no family and was having to spend Christmas Day alone that would be different but that's not the case.

You might find that your mum thinks its time to move on from the tradition, before you get inescapably stuck in it.

I don't think you are being mean-spirited, more concerned with the feelings of others. I think it depends on the friend's real situation - as I and others have said - what she has said suggests she doesn't feel welcome at her dad's.

Well, you can't actually invite her, as it's not your house.

Your mum must know that at some point things are going to change. She may want to hang on to the family-only day for as long as she can, or she may be happy to share it with an old family friend. You won't know if you don't ask.

Do your family know her, most importantly, your mum?
You may have to impress on her that she does have to make the effort to pick up after herself and make an effort, if your mum does say yes. You will certainly have to be prepared to tidy up after her yourself if she doesn't.
What is she like when drunk?

having somewhere to go and having somewhere you want to go or feel welcome are entirely different things.

even homeless people sometimes have shelters or soup kitchens they can go to.

it's about a place being sage and welcoming and people who don't just put up with you but who want you there and include you in things.

where your and important as anyone. else to.the proceedings.

she might he a lazy cow.

or her family might be bordering in he emotionally abusive side where her step family freeze her out or her dad refuses to stand up for her eyc