To say this friend can't come round for Christmas

[lastqueenofscotland]

Basically my ddad died 10 years ago. Since then Xmas day has ALWAYS been just my siblings and I and mum even now we are all "grown up" it's my favourite day of the year, pretty much the only time we get "just us" as a family. It can be a slightly hard time especially for mum, as they adored each other. As such we don't really rock the boat on the day.

A good friend of mine from school (so known her for around 15 years) mum moved abroad this year and she can't afford to go, her dad lives nearby but she doesn't want to go cause she doesn't want to spend Xmas with her step mum who "nags" because she is messy (she is)
She's asked if she can come to ours for the day (would be my mums house), Aibu just say no?

I'm worried it's mean but it's another person to cater for and tidy up after, and it messes with tradition we've all enjoyed for a decade.

there was a thread last year where someone was served a plate of veg and nothing else as they were vege and the MIL couldn't even cool potatoes in veg fat so the poor girl could have a meal.

it happens

Have you discussed this with your DM? If it's at her house then it's kind of up to her isn't it?

How much mess could one adult make in one day that they get "nagged" about it?

DH and I didn't spend Christmas together until we got married. Everyone thought that was a bit weird but we both wanted our own traditional family Christmases with their respective traditions, and we figured that the time for compromise was when we got married and had kids. It's only a couple of days away at home with your folks. I never understand people who make Christmas into this huge big deal.

If it is someone that your Mum has known for years and likes then I'd ask but I'd make it damn clear to my friend that she needs to not take the piss on the day and leave stuff strewn everywhere [my BIL is like a walking explosion] or your mum will go mental.

If she doesn't come, I'd have a chat to your sister about sitting your mum down on Christmas Eve to gently explain that you would like next year to be different. That way she knows it's her "last Christmas" as a solo threesome.

just tell her that even partners arent invited and go to their own families, so while youd love to see her over the xmas period, you cant invite her for the actual day as you always spend it with just your mum and sister. Then invite her round for xmas eve drinks

a bit off topic but I find the discussion of spending Xmas with parents vs family interesting.

me and my DP (together 11 years) have pretty much always spent xmas together (apart from the first year or two) and alternate at our families.

DP's DB and his wife have been together 9 years and have never spent xmas together. last year they got married and we expected them to - nope. this year they had a baby and we expected them to do xmas together at one set of parents houses - nope! she is spending xmas day with baby and her family (40 min drive away) and he is spending it with his family (minus baby) and driving to her parents in the afternoon/evening. I think that is incredibly weird. Not spending babies first xmas together as a family? But I think it's because she won't compromise on having 'her' family xmas so won't alternate. e.g. she is taking the baby to her parents for the entire xmas period (a week!) and spending only one day at DPs parents, which I am a bit about.

sorry that should have said 'spending xmas with partners vs family!'

I was v precious about my own family Christmas for many years. Always went to mine, partners welcome but not obliged to attend.

Now we do Christmas day with my family then boxing day with DPs, which suits everyone.

If it didn't suit then I'd have to say tough, I'm going to my mums anyway. Christmas with in laws isn't Christmas for me. I've never understood the MN in law obsession. Mine are nice but they're not my family and they never will be.

If it didn't suit then I'd have to say tough, I'm going to my mums anyway

As long as you would be happy for your oh to go to theirs and spend Christmas Day apart, I don't see the issue with this.

Your in laws are your oh family. If they are happy with the arrangement, crack on.

I spend time with my pil every other Christmas because dh wants to spend Christmas Day with his family as much as I do. We want our kids to, too.

I also want DH to be happy as well. They are his family and loves them as much as I do mine.

My family and DH's have very different approaches and traditions related to Christmas.

As soon as we married, we decided that the rule should be that we don't travel in Advent, and that we would make our own Christmas traditions exactly the way we wanted them to be. So we are always at home for Christmas, but anyone is welcome to join us.

We have done Christmas for any number between 3 (DH, DS and me) and 13 (in laws + in laws in laws).

We do sometimes travel between Christmas and New Year, to see one or other family. But for us, being married signalled 'we are a new family now, we make our own Christmas.'

A couple of years ago my son phoned me the day before Xmas eve to ask if it was ok for a friend of his to come home with him for Xmas. Her family live in Canada and she couldn't get home to them that year.

I said yes of course. He then asked if she could bring her 2 cats. I said er well ok. He said "that's great mum. You're the best. By the way friend is vegan. See you tomorrow".

They duly arrived, minus cats as she'd found someone to look after them, plus a couple of bags full of vegan food. It was no problem to roast a few potatoes separately for her.

We had a lovely Christmas and she knows she would be welcome any time.

Traditions don't have to be set in stone, sometimes we need to adapt to new circumstances, and who knows, it may enrich your Christmas in new ways.

I really don't understand people saying just say no, she has somewhere else to go. How mean-spirited. Inn-keepers and stables spring to mind.

Seems a bit mean to leave her on her own at Christmas. We skyways invite the waifs and strays to ours, it's lovely when they say how much they've enjoyed their day.

"We skyways invite the waifs and strays to ours"

My childhood Christmases were like this - an array of random elderly ladies and lonely men... often including the paedophile who turned out to have abused my brothers, but I agree that doesn't affect the principle. Our 13-person Christmas included in-laws in-laws who would otherwise have been alone.

This woman doesn't sound like a homeless waif though. She just can't be bothered to do her share of preparing food and cleaning up on Christmas day. I find her reason for not going to her dad's ridiculous. It sounds like the excuse of a 15 year old wanting to stay with the person who'll give them the easiest ride.
I'd say no but probably wouldn't have a friend like this anyway.
Extra plus ones invited from one family member can put off other family from visiting.
My brother and SIL are coming to me for new year because they can't stand a bloke my sister drags to my dad's for new year because he has nowhere else to go. Sometimes there's a reason people have no friends. Our extended family doesn't get together very often so when we do inviting strangers is inappropriate. There are loads of other days to socialise with friends.
Fine if everyone is happy with it.

I also want DH to be happy as well. They are his family and loves them as much as I do mine.

^^ this. I think it's incredibly selfish of anyone to somehow think their family xmas takes priority over their husband/wife/partner's family every single year. of course, in an individual year there may be good reasons for prioritising one family over another, but a blanket 'my family xmas takes precedence' is a bit off, in my opinion.

Personally I do genuinely think of my ILs as my family, but I come from a very blended family anyway so have a relaxed and perhaps more inclusive approach to family - though I wouldn't expect everyone to get on or like their ILs, I've just been lucky I guess.

To return to OPs original question - I'd ask your mum. Tbh I think it is a bit mean saying no, but I'm coming from the perspective as someone whose own family xmas has always been a bit 'waifs and strays' as my mum isn't British so has non-british friends with no family in the country who couldn't go back to their home country for xmas, who she would invite over for the day. If you feel that strongly about it, say no, but accept that it is a bit harsh.

If you dont want her there or dont want to ask your Mum, then just reply "Im sorry, im not Hosting christmas this year. Fancy dinner somewhere Christmas Eve?"

Couldnt her mum who moved away help her with the flight?

actually it sounds more like a comment that's meant to be light hearted so it raises no questions and is actually hiding a much deeper reason.

along the lines of " they can't cook" or "the cat won't leave me alone"

so pathetic no one questions it.

could be wrong though

YANBU to want to keep this day special for your mum.

And if your mum would feel pressurised to say yes then I think it's okay to say to the friend "sorry, Christmas for us is really only for family and a time for us to lush mum up."

Spoke to her this morning and shes suddenly much less keen once i mentioned she would need to do her share of tidying up/ help with food. Apparently "those things can wait till Boxing Day" ... When she wouldn't be there

So what would you have done has she have said 'yes ok that's fine'

How can cooking be left til Boxing Day?

I asked a friend if I could join her and her DP for xmas day when I had nowhere else to go. I was caring for someone very ill who couldn't leave the house, but would be asleep a lot of the day. I just wanted to pop round for a few hours and have some fun. She said no. I never really forgave her for not helping me when I really needed it.

I'd have spoken to mum?
Her mum used to do nearly all the food on Xmas eve and reheat and tidy everything up Boxing Day , she was hoping we were the same.

Tbh from your earlier post I'm not surprised at her response. I'd just say no now. You know she's expecting to sit on her arse and be waited on.

🎄

Why give her conditions if you haven't asked your mum?

Or did you give her those conditions knowing it would put her off.

This sounds really odd.

Enjo - I suppose that OP knows her friend well enough to be able to second guess some of her motives. By mentioning the helping out first OP avoids putting her mum on the spot unnecessarily.