To think blended families don't work?

[4China]

I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

I grew up with my parents staying together but constantly arguing, the atmosphere was generally either horribke because they were arguingbor horriblr becauae I was waiting for something to set them off. I hated it. At the time I still thought it would be awful if they split up, but as a more objective adult I think it would have been much for the best.

I am part of a blended family as an adult (have a DSS). All good relationships between exes, steps, half siblings etc. I am pretty sure DSS's home life is more stable and happy than mine was when I was growing up.

I think blended families have more pressures on them than traditional family set ups, there is more to go wrong. But that doesn't mean blended families cant/don't work, or all traditional families are all better for the children.

Apart from the obvious issue of ex partners fighting with each other, I'm wondering if one issue can be the fact that you know you can't send you siblings back so you have to accept them/make the best of it whereas it's easy to wish that step siblings weren't there if that half siblings weren't there. After all, they weren't suppose to be there!

Saying that, how many people actually have problems with their siblings or their parents? Quite a lot. So is it an issue with step families if is it an issue with people not knowing how to get in with each other?

senpai again anecdotal evidence but different kids of same age can work - in my family my step brothers are 3 years younger than me and 4 months older - so me and my DSB were in the same year at school. we are very close, to the point where it feels weird referring to him on here as my DSB when I think of him as my DB. his girlfriend of 9 years is one of my best friends from school!

I think how close you are to your step siblings (or half siblings) basically comes down to whether they live in the household and become part of the family. e.g. my two stepbrothers came to live with me, my brother, my mum and my stepdad when I was 12, so they became a part of the family. they moved in gradually, at first spending a few days with us and a few days with their other carer (their mother couldn't look after them). my older siblings (7 and 9 years older than me, technically half siblings) never lived in the same 'family home' as them, but are very close with them. in fact my stepbrother and sister house shared for a few years as adults!

on the other hand, my dad's partner (been together now ~20 years) had existing children who were 5 and 9 years younger than me, and although I saw them every weekend as a child when I went to visit my dad, I don't have a close relationship with them and wouldn't consider them my siblings.

as I said in an earlier post, it very much depends on the attitude of people involved. when I was at school I remember people complaining to me how they didn't like their step parents as they were trying to 'replace' their parents. I never felt that way about either my stepdad (who in all honestly now I would go to first if I had a problem rather than my dad), or my stepmum. I don't think any step parent tries to "replace" the missing bio parent but I think that perception can arise if parents don't take the time to talk to their children about the family set up. we always had a very open and honest household and so our blended family worked. I think there was a willingness on the part of both my mum and my stepdad to parent each others kids, and make them feel wanted/welcome. my mother refers to my stepbrothers as her sons, not her stepsons. (though that isn't for everyone, and I do appreciate that some people can't get past the non-biological/non-chosen aspect of step children). my DM and DSD were together quite a while before he moved in, and then his children moved in gradually, but later. So the transition was slower and it wasn't a shock to the system.

as with anything, families are complicated. I don't think blended families in themselves are bad, but they are complicated and it takes effort/thought to make them work (just like non-blended families).

I'm from a blended family and have been for over 30years when it was quite unusual. The attitude that my parent / step parents took was that we were now a family and we would all be treated the same. That didn't work but in their eyes it did. They would say that they are an example of a perfect blended family. They aren't.

I'm lucky to have a happy marriage but if we were to split up I would happily have a new relationship but I would never have my children live with other people's children and neither would I have another child. I'm probably getting too old now so it's a moot point but I would keep families separate until my children are adults.

Since I posted last night I have spoken to some of the adult dc and asked what they felt about being in a blended family:
Dss1 " Itwas such a relief that Dad had someone to love him at last, as for us..you do the best Christmas stockings ever and I couldn't have a nicer step mum. Maybe the best thing was your kids, their friends became our friends too. I don't think I'd have had the life I have if you and Dad hadn't got together. It did help that we already knew you though."
Dd: " I love dstepdad and I know he loves me. My boys idolise him and we are all so very glad to have him in our lives."
When we had our Siver Wedding Party the two eldest made speeches and ended by asking people to raise their glasses,"Not to Pran and dh or even to (our nicknames) but to Mum and Dad!"
We both had a little weep.
I love my family, all of them. If you all really want it to work it will. We were told we were mad to try to put 5 teenagers together. We know it would have been our loss if we hadn't.

I do find that being a step parent you have to be able to commit to a relationship much more quicker and maybe too quick. I have only had one previous relationship with a man with a child and dating did seem like a roller coaster and I did end the relationship because I could not guarantee that I would be there long term after too short of time together. I know a few people and children who have had more than 4 step parent and feel damaged.
But I do know lovely blended families, they do seem to embrace the differences instead of trying to create a TVs advert family.

Like any family blended families can have problems. There are more potential issues that can come up.
Dh and I have one ds each similar ages. It works ok but not without issues. Dh finds being a step parent much easier than I do. He lives with my ds and treats him like his own. I only see my dss once or twice a week, he is being brought up with completely different values at home than what we have in our house, it's harder for me to know what my role is.
Dss mum has a an older child, plus a new partner who has his own child also so very blended on that side too. My ds sees his dad every week and has a great relationship with him, he hasn't had a gf since we split. I think my ds had the better deal.
Neither dh or myself were married to previous partners. We won't be having more children between us mostly because I don't want to add more issues/mess to the mix.

Most of the posters here who have been brought up in 'blended' families, would say that there were aspects of the way they'd been treated that were unfair. They'd not chosen to be in the situation they were put in, and their parent/step-parents did not take the needs of their child selves children into account sufficiently.

I suppose the questions are whether:-

a) children in non-blended families have similar feelings. As the only girl of the family I was certainly treated less favourably than my brothers. And there were all sorts of situations where my mother and father just focused on their own needs and both my brothers and I were just expected to put up and shut up.

Also b) I think my stepchildren will have a sense of life having treated them unfairly. But I really don't know who big a part I or my partner have to play in that - and how much that is just the sense we all have of life's unfairness. My stepson has high-functioning autism and so a lot of what he sees as unfair, is related to the more general unfairness of being differently wired in a neurotypical world. My stepdaughter grew up with the 'unfair' situation of being the sibling of someone who's needs seemed to take centre stage a lot of the time. I did my best to be a decent caring stepmother, but I obviously couldn't wave a magic wand and make all problems disappear. I've got a decent relationship with my now adult stepchildren, and think it's likely that they regard me as someone who will continue to try and be a positive presence in their lives .

There are so many exceptions to so many rules. When ex walked out our dd was 6. That night she told me to go out and bring back another daddy for her. When i met someone lovely a year later she became an insecure wreck. I decided to end the relationship with him. He wasn't having any of it, booked us counselling sessions for advice and worked on building her trust which was easy as he was just himself. She's 18 now and realises how lucky she is to have such a loving presence in her life. If I'd have listened to her at the time though.. My point is it's not always clear at the time what's for the best.

Certainly didn't in my case. Had to call stepdad 'Dad' from very early in the relationship (my own Dad was pushed out, then disappeared). Two further half siblings followed who were treated markedly differently and still are. It is a rare person who can unconditionally love a stepchild as much as a bio child and they DO pick up on it. Felt very awkward around my stepfather as a teenager, DD (18) still walks around in pants in front of her dad!

Something that used to upset me was half sibs would be taken to visit Grandma and Grandad (stepfather's parents) while us older ones would be left at home as we had no contact with our own. Ditto with Christmas and Birthday celebrations and presents - step sibs had a whole wider family to lavish attention and gifts on them. I was accused of being jealous as if I should be ashamed of it - dead right I was.

I think that is something that is also underestimated, how extended family treat stepchildren as opposed to the biological children.

I was also supposed to 'grateful' that my stepfather took us all on, as if I owe him something for that . That was my mother's choice, not mine.

I would never, ever expose my DC to a stepfather. DH and I absolutely loathe each other some times (22 years in) which I think is normal. We fall in and out of love (many times I have fantasised about him crashing his car and getting his life insurance ). I think showing our DC that relationships are not all hunky dory and loving all the time but we sort things out, is a good lesson in not just trashing a relationship with children involved when things get too hard.

If we ever split or he died, I would not be living with another man until all DC had homes of their own. Relationships and fun - fine but DC would not be having stranger living under their roof or stranger's DC.

I can't get my head around thinking that being passed from one base to another like a shuttlecock, while half and/or step siblings get to stay put is anything other than shit. The problem is, most people get divorced because they think their relationship has irretrievably broken down, and boy do they often behave like it! I doubt blended families work fantastically any more often than marriages end amicably. Too many people fail to rise above their bad will. That's not to say that some don't, because there are always notable exceptions.

My mum split from my father when I was a baby and my brother was 3. She hasn't dated in the last 26 years, because she didn't want to inflict a blended family on us, and now she will be forever alone.

I had a happy childhood with no step-family to worry about but I now feel desperately sad that she gave up a chance at a happy marriage because of us. I can't think how lonely she must have been, especially in our teen years when we were both vile to her.

So there is a flip side to this, and I don't know if split parents can win.

I agree OP.

Tomatoes totally same experience. Whatthehell I feel the same. I would never remarry or cohabit with another man if my marriage broke down. Wouldn't risk my kids well being.

What often happens is two people fall in love and they are in a bubble of lust and love that they believe everyone around them must be feeling as they are SO SO HAPPY (for that read delighted to be out of a stale/loveless/sexless/unhappy marriage for years), including their respective kids.

They gloss over all the glaringly obvious things that are not right because it doesn't fit their 'perfect' narrative. Also, understandably, they want to tell themselves the kids are happier post divorce - read the Relationships board on here. It's a sin to suggest anyone stay together for the children and, amazingly, all kids 'are happier since we split up'.

Of course this is not always the way. But I have never known any functioning blended family except for one where the step mother doesn't have her own kids, possibly a coincidence (and she is a lovely, selfless person).

IwishIwasinNewYork, even never dating again will protect the kids from blended families though, unless the ExP also never dates again.

Plus, you cannot say for sure, in this totally hypothetical situation, what impact on your kids' wellbeing it might have if you deliberately avoid potentially healthy adult relationships on their behalf.

"I would never..." is always a rather foolhardy way to start a statement.

I do know of step dad's who become more of an adoptive father, my eldest brother informed all extended family that he wanted his step daughter to be treated equally to other member and those who did not could not be part of his life. He set the tone and half siblings that came had the same relationship as original child. But this was easy as bio dad and family had pissed off, these type of scenarios are easy as there is no blending as such more of a replacement. Money, time and gifts are always going to cause resentment. I have one cousin (22) was gifted a house from GPs where his half brother (25) nothing and yet they have shared the same home for 23 years.

reni/multi

I won't bore you with my experience but honestly, hand on heart, I can say 'never' on this one.

I felt torn and a bit bad about what I posted above, even though it is strongly asserted. Because I know that a majority of people who divorce and remarry are not selfish or any better or worse people or parents that I am.

I just think there is a lot of naivety, wishful thinking and, sometimes, downright selfishness from people embarking on step families - and the lasting damage to children when it goes wrong is awful.

I always say it wasn't my parents divorce that caused me a lifetime of problems, it was the choices they made afterwards.

I can hear the sincerity that comes from experience in your posts, NewYork . And this has been a pretty thoughtful thread throughout.

But I would just add, you can easily take the word 'step' out of your penultimate sentence, and it would be just as true.

Yes I know, of course, that is true. I am honestly not out to demonise step parents. But as you can see from this thread many, many of us have had terrible experiences of blended families. It's such a tricky road...

to you too for your kind post

Some of these posts have made me really sad.

I was only 23 when I had ds1 and his dad, my first relationship was a waste of time.

I don't think I could ha e written off having another relationship. I met now dh when ds was still a baby and we've gone on to have ds2. I hope I haven't ruined his life.

My childhood was utterly miserable even having both biological parents. There is a lot of resentment.

I don't think family troubles are exclusive to step families. Being a lone parent isn't perfect either.

I don't know any blended families that are 100% perfect and happy either.

I do know some where the step parent has added to the child's life in lots of ways.

I have both a positive and negative experience of being a step child.

My mum remarried when I was five, and my step-dad is an equal parent and absolutely loves me as much as he loves my half siblings. There is no doubt in my mind, and never has been that this is the case.
My dad remarried when I was three, and my step-mum will always be a step-parent to me.

I think the reasons are:

1. I lived with my step-dad full time. Our home has always been my home and I was always wanted there - even through the stroppy teenage years.
2. As a child / teenager I could never understand why my dad and step-mum favoured my half-siblings over me. As an adult I can see why step-mum would, but I admit I find it hard to understand how dad did (and still does).
3. My parents' incomes were always massively mismatched. I still find it hard to accept that my dad provided so well for my step-mum and half siblings, but failed to provide for me.
4. As an adult I recognise that my step-dad not only loved me, but accepted full financial responsibility for me and I love him even more for that.
5. My dad and step-mum are just a bit rubbish. Their daughter (my half sister) won't go to visit them unless I am going too because she find them difficult. So maybe its not just about blended families.
6. My mum is amazing. I never met anyone else she dated before step-dad and she would never have been with him if he wasn't totally accepting that she came as a package with me. There was no divided loyalties - I was her priority and I always knew that.

pyjama, I'm so glad my mum re-married! Not only I am glad because she's happy and he loved me, but also I was given a really good model of a healthy, loving, and mutually respectful relationship. I learned so much from him and from their relationship. My life would be worse without him, and I think I'd be a different person.

I haven't read the whole thread, but in response to the initial question of 'do blended families work' - then my answer is NO.

In my opinion, this is generally because very little blending actually goes on.

Reading the thread I would probably only consider dating a partner with no children (to old to provide any more myself) or adult children. I do think generations have changed and where as 30 years ago a woman might have believed any step dad was better than no dad for her children. I would hope women of today would be more assertive and hopefully there maybe a more positive thread if this was repeated in 20 years.

Like everything involving people it depends on the people. Biological parents and kids often don't get on, step parents and kids often don't get on, and vice versa

My parents split and remarried when I was an adult. I get on with one set and not the other. One set shares my life views and values, the other doesn't. I love my step parent as an actual parent and my step siblings and I refer to each other as brothers and sisters.