To think blended families don't work?

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I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

Of course unless someone has been widowed, you also have to ask yourself why your new man is single again? sometimes he is actually, however charming, a lazy sexist man in a family context and if you do actually want to shag him you should think bloody hard about whether you want anything resembling a conventional domestic relationship with someone who - if you read between the lines - failed to pull his weight in the last one.

Being divorced I'd actually be quite hurt if a new partner made these assumptions about me. I left my ExH because we had completely different visions of what we wanted our future to look like and because I fell out of love with and was no longer attracted to him - that might apparently mean I'm childish for wanting a particular type of romantic relationship (seriously? ) but it doesn't exactly mean I'm not capable of pulling my weight or behaving like a halfway decent human being ...

Unicorn, I am not telling anyone to stick with a dull relationship but I don't think it is awful if people do. People stick with dull jobs because the misery caused by not having one at all would be too great. Adults do not-fun things all the time.

I think there is a sort of weird assumption that the prioritising of one's romantic self is the only way to be authentically one's real self. Actually I don't think this is always true. If you live with a man who doesn't excite you but doesn't abuse you, and is great with the children, you might actually be more able to express your authentic self than if you left him, became a penniless single parent with no evening childcare and were no longer able to, for instance, exercise or go to your karate club or play in your orchestra or work on your novel or whatever it is you do.

And I do find this weird assumption childish, yes. Perhaps because I was young when I was obsessed with having a boyfriend and now I am older I am more interested in my children, my security for myself and for them, being fulfilled at work, and various other things that were simply unaccessible to me on a minimum wage with no confidence

I'm 31 and had half brother at the time I was born and have since had 2 stepmums (numerous dad's girlfriends and OWs to use the MN description) one completely amazing step dad, 1 full sister, 2 extra half brothers and 6 step siblings. Now have 7 step and half nieces and nephews.

My parents were terrible at being married but brilliant at making us feel loved and secure. So it worked for us. I love my big messy family.

We all know our boundaries and let each other have plenty of time and space with our parents. I think that helps.

excellent posts, Lock

Lock I think prioritising a romantic relationship over everything else, including your DC is obviously wrong... And I think some women can be a bit needy and naive when it comes to thinking that all they need is to find a new man and all their problems will be solved. However, finding a true, solid romantic relationship is a normal and healthy thing to aspire to in life. And possible (I hope) even when you have DC.

But I don't disagree with the OP that some step families can be horrendous.

MagicalHamSandwich - I wouldn't ever make a generalisation that "that is why people get divorced" - that would be stupid, unkind, and nonsense.

But in your particular case, you are a woman. I wasn't talking about women. I was talking about divorced men. Still, you can't make generalisations but there are a lot of women in second marriages on these boards who are finding step-situations difficult because their husbands won't engage properly with any of that stuff and probably never did. I wouldn't generalise that "oh yes, that is why marriages break up" but if I met a divorced man I would be sniffing around really bloody hard about his attitudes to parenting and domestic stuff in his previous relationship.

In fact someone on this thread in a second marriage said that she did exactly that and her relationship works partly because she and her husband both take their responsibility towards their children extremely seriously.

Statistically, the majority of marriages break up because women initiate the end of them. I would be willing to bet that a large number of these women are bitterly disappointed with lazy men.

Childish to want a romantic relationship? - no. Childish to blinkeredly prioritise a certain kind of conventional, all consuming relationship with certain visible outward trappings over other considerations and responsibilities, after you have had children? - yeah I think it kind of can be.

I think the term blended is unhelpful, as if a family where the children are genetically linked to the parents make it 'natural' and somehow easy. Any family, regardless of genetics is comprised of individuals with a distinct set of needs. To flourish any family needs adult(s) who feel supported.

My sister was 8 or 9 when my Mum got together with my dad and she sees him as much as her dad as he sees her as his daughter too. Our family is still in touch with family on her father's side, and I always found it lovely to have so much extended family. It definitely can work

I agree with lock. There have been points in my marriage, mostly during the very young children years, where I hated my husband. I frankly know very few married people who haven't gone through this phase, which is why I say divorce/remarriage is trading one set of problems for another - bar abuse, addiction, or major compatibility issues that should have been sorted out before children.

We both mellowed and bent a bit to fit the other person, and now we have a solid, battle-hardened marriage.

I have two different experiences.

My parents broke up when I was very little, I have really no memories of them together and they were friends for much of my childhood.

I saw my dad every weekend. Without fail. I knew I was really important to him. He had some girlfriends, all was good. Then when I was 12 he got a new girlfriend who had a daughter 4 years younger than me. The daughter had no dad on the scene so my dad became her dad very quickly. I was very confused, and jealous, especially as my dad never told me he had a new girlfriend and I had to work it out by myself. Dads girlfriend got pregnant. She moves into my dad's house. There were only two bedrooms so my bed became dads girlfriends daughters bed and I now got a mattress on the floor. Dad got a new job and I was only allowed to come and visit every other weekend. My (half) sister was born when I was 13 and I adored her. But sometimes when I came to visit dad's girlfriend would take my new sister, and her other daughter, to visit her family and I felt like I wasn't allowed time with her. Dad and girlfriend got married but i wasnt at the wedding. Long story short, relationship totally broke down and I didn't see my dad or his family for ten months. This all happened a decade ago and it still causes unhappiness and anger inside of me when I think about it.
Dad always wanted me to refer to his girlfriend/wife's daughter as my sister. In my eyes, she wasn't. My half sister was my sister because we were connected by blood. I was desperate to hold onto those facts to make my own sense of this tangle.

Two years after they married, dad and wife got divorced. She now has another daughter with another man so my sister has 3 half-siblings of which I am one. And she is my only sibling. I have nothing to do with my sister's mum or the daughter that I was forced to refer to as a sister.

On the other hand, my mum met a lovely man who has a son. Usual family angst but nothing at all like the above and their relationship has shown me how to have a successful family.

I don't know how my situation will pan out. I have dd and ds of my own, DP has a dd. The girls are almost the same age and get on, but squabble like siblings. We don't discipline each other's dc as such but we do support each other in disciplining them. We've been together 2yrs and don't live together yet. I just hope when we do it doesn't all turn sour.

Sarah that's great for you, but seems a bit unnecessary on a thread about step families to be honest. It's kind of dodging the issue to basically say "well people just shouldn't get divorced".

27 years ago I married following the death (at 44) of my husband. At the time of my remarriage I was 43 and dh was 51.
My dgc were aged 14 and 17 and his were 16, 17 and 19.
His ex had a new husband and a newborn.
From the beginning it was mainly wonderful. The dc became good friends, the boys chose to squash 3 into a tiny room and have the big room as a sitting room. For a time my dd and his youngest ds were a couple.
They are all in their forties now, married and with children of their own. A few years ago we had a falling out with his dd who lives abroad but she also fell out with her mother and one of her brothers.
We are a very very happy family and spend time together and I feel there is a lot of love. Certainly all the grandchildren are loved equally though we see more of the two youngest who live near so I can help with childcare.
I have done things one to one with 'his' dgc and am probably closer to the girls than I am to my 'blood' dgd who lives abroad.
I feel blessed and we do feel our blended family works, there is a lot of love.

unicorn seems pretty relevant to me. Anyway I was responding to the point that nuclear families aren't that great either.

OP
It really depends

people get together and have kids
they split up
they each get together with new people

there are multiple options
(a) they get on well as friends, treat the kids as people and it all works well
(b) they resent each other but the kids rise above it
(c) they hate each other and the kids are screwed up

and all scale points between

BUT
the kind of people who have kids with people they have not properly evaluated need caution
therefore I deliberately exclude
widowers
those who have had to section their partner
but not many others

This is just an observation but it seems to support the theory of 'children seeing it differently' that the majority of the posts about how it works come from people who are outside a situation ('I have a friend who has created a very happy blended family' type thing) or the choice-making adults in the situation. The unhappiest posts are from the children in the situations.

There is a sort of neediness, isn't there? The couple who choose to get together presumably have previous failed relationships (except in the case of being widowed) so maybe they feel insecure and making a new family feels like a way to fix it and to prove that it's all been worth it? Just crappy pop psychology I expect but it does make me wonder. Friends in similar situations seem SO desperate to play happy families even when it's patently obvious that their partner and children are not in a happy relationship. I think what really bothers me in this situation is that it often seems that the person then forges ahead in order to preserve the relationship and push it forwards - at the expense of their own child.

the children will see it from a child's perspective (obviously...)
and it's easy for a child to believe it would have been better without the step parent, because they will never know what the outcome would have been if the step parent or step sibs hadn't made a blended family.

To be honest that could apply to parents too- how often do you see them wishing things were different as if that would guarantee a happier outcome- there's really know way to know.
Like I'm sure some things would be more straight forward without blended family's but my partner wouldn't be the same person If he didn't have his children, and I love the man he is

but is the assumption, then, that 'non-blended' families always "work"?

There'd be far fewer blended families if they did. Which I think is something that gets overlooked in terms of factoring in the potential pre-existing distress, pain, sadness, or even trauma of the children being blended.

Many children in a BF have already had to face an adjustment when their parents separated.

Followed by another adjustment when one of their parents created a BF with them in it. At a time when they may, or may not, have come through the other side of the original adjustment.

They may then face yet more adjustment if their other parent blends them into another family.

Possibly there will be another serving of adjustment if one, or both, of their parents add new children with their new partner to the existing blended family/families.

Given that second pairings tend to fail even more often than first pairings, they may have another "adjust on demand" phase still to come if one, or both, of their blended families collapses, separates and scatters. Which may, or may not, provoke a distinct sigh of relief for some the blendees, but all the same, will bring more change and emotional content to be coped with.

All romantic pairings carry risk for the all people in them. But blended families are more likely to carry an increased potential for successive "high stakes" adjustments being required. Particularly of small, powerless, choice-less people. Who may, or may not, have digested and discharged one large chunk of adjustment before the next lump is put on their plate.

The reality that not all non-blended families work is perhaps why blended families have such a tough time getting all their members to flourish within the unit.

One of the more common pre-requisites for a blended family to come into being is the collapse of previous relationships. That reality often goes hand in hand a significant, persistant degree of loss, hurt and grief for a good number of the involved parties. That emotional content will be part of the human foundation upon which a good number of blended families must build a home they hope will be happy.

It doesn't scream "reliable foundation for most of the people, most of the time" in any context. Let alone for a family that may have to endure more shockwaves, from more directions, than the non-blended variety.

"but is the assumption, then, that 'non-blended' families always "work"?"

Not from me.

I think families are often very problematic. And that is why I don't think the solution to one that didn't work is necessarily to create another one, this time more complicated, with more variables and symmetries and unfamiliarities to provide points of tension

I'm part of a blended family and it was very very difficult for everyone, especially when I was younger as my parents split when I was 3 but didn't get long term partners until I was 7 (dad) 11 (mum). I gained a step mother who already had a son and my father and her went on to have a son of their own when I was 11. She would say things like she wanted me and my sister to disappear! It was awful! On the other hand, I gained a wonderful stepdad in my mums exdp they got together when I was 11 and split when I was 20, I loved him like a dad and still see him regularly! He had no children though so maybe that made it easier?!!

Feedmyface Your comment totally reinforced what I said earlier to me. The problem with blended families is selfish adults. Your step-mother was a selfish woman so that blended family was never going to work. Your step-father wasn't so it did.

It's utterly selfish of a parent to allow their partner to negatively impact their child, be that the child's other parent or a new partner. The child would most likely suffer the selfishness of their parent in one way or another imo. I think the blended family part is somewhat of a red herring.

Hmm.. Well anecdotal evidence, I don't know anyone that was happy in a blended family, unless there was one set of kids and a new one was born between their parent and the new stepparent, or the step siblings were so far apart in age, one set was practically adults when the step parent came into the picture.

But two different kids of same age? Haven't heard of it ever working, but doesn't mean it couldn't. :)

My DH has two boys from his first marriage and we have one, about to be two boys, together. His older boys adore their half brother and I have a really good relationship with them. In our case I think it worked because I never tried to discipline his boys but did try very hard to foster a good relationship with them by participating in activities they enjoy etc. Even though we see the EOW each boy has his own room in our house decorated how they wanted it. I think forcing kids to share rooms who wouldn't normally seems to breed a lot of resentment. They dote on their little brother and explicitly invite me to their matches so I think they are genuinely happy in our blended family.

If a parent doesn't already have a strong relationship their kids trying to blend into a new family will only serve to highlight existing problems and exacerbate them. If there really isn't enough resource for all the children in both time and money I think it could be very hard.

I have my own experience and one I see at work....
As a teacher I see the awful side of blended families (or spam families) where its almost a merry go round of the same people swapping partners/ double barrel names and more children....lots of jealousy and unhappyness...
In my case I have three sons and when I spilt we both fell into relationships fairly quickly. Nearly six Years later we are still in them. Exh lives with partner who seems to get on with my boys well (oldest refuses to go long story) and she also has two girls. I think all the children have struggled with jealousy (my youngest openly admits he gets upset). A good example is I invited them all to DS3 birthday and his dad Sat cuddling his youngest step daughter on his lap. DS3 looked close to tears :( he goes to his dad's regularly but is quite difficult when he comes home..... Wants to be babied.
In my case I live with them by myself and it works like that. Partner lives with his children in next town as he brought them up. We have muted the idea of living together and have done some of the building work but I am not keen. I like our set up. We see each other at the weekend :) no problems with discipline or changes in my house. I can't see it changing for the forseeable.