To think blended families don't work?

[4China]

I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

I'm glad you had a positive experience Amelia.

I do know one adult who lived in a blended family and she doesn't harbour any resentment, she has a half sister from her mum and a half sister from her dad. She classes her half sister from her mum as her proper sister. They are very close.

I know quite a few step mums who are really resentful of their dps children they hate the dads paying maintenance they hate them splitting their time it's so sad to see but the women just can't see it.

Again, I'd want to compare my experience as the child of a nuclear family, to what I perceive to have happened with my daughter and stepchildren.

My younger brother was born when I was 6. I'd not really been given much warning of his arrival. As he'd been a very much longed for third child, my parents were completely absorbed in the new arrival, and didn't think very much about how we might feel displaced. He was much more indulged than my older brother and I were. I really didn't like him very much. I imagine my feelings were very much like those of a child who suddenly acquires a step-sibling.

I think my two stepchildren were genuinely pleased to acquire a new sister. My partner and I did work very hard to make sure their life went on as normal and they didn't lose out, but I was really touched by their generosity towards - and love for - the new baby. I think this was something that brought us all closer.

I'd agree that the attitude of wider family members can be a problem. My mother never really took in how much my stepchildren were/are part of my life. She'll ask my husband politely how they are, but never me. (It's as if she knows that he cares about them, but can't imagine that I care.) I suggested she might like to buy my stepson and stepdaughter birthday gifts, and she bought my stepdaughter at £1 packet of notelets. I didn't ask again after that. On the other hand my stepchildren's maternal family wouldn't think to remember my daughter's birthday. Mostly, it sort of all evens up, if that makes sense.

I think the reactions of the extended family are a good point. We originally moved in together just before christmas and on Christmas Day Dss (weird typing that) had gifts from my grandparents (who brought me up) and my girls had gifts from PIL, and Dss's other grandmother. The extended family were supportive and although I know as an adult my grandparents didn't automatically love Dss like they did their granddaughters the children were unaware of that. There was no obvious difference in treatment between them. By the time we married Dss was calling my Grandparents Nanny and Bampy like my girls were, and my Nana was delighted to have a grandson who was interested in her father's medals.

On DH's side they were equally as welcoming. On Saturday DD1 was at a craft fair with other MIL (DH's first MIL). She is called Granny by all of the children despite DS technically being her only grandchild.

I imagine in families where the extended family don't make the same effort or simply don't feel as supportive it wouldn't be as easy.

We have a blended family. I had 2 children, dh has 1, we got together and had one more. Does it work? Yes and no. My 2 children are nc with their birth fathers so they just see dh as their dad. This has never been pushed on by me. Dd was 6.5 when we got together (ds 18months) and she made the decision to refer to him as daddy whilst I continued to call him by his name. She then changed her surname in school without us knowing and has requested to be adopted by dh which we are on the waiting list for. Ds was only little and knows no difference though I'm sure at some point it will twig but he's never been the type of children to question anything. He's happy just as things are. The difficulty I find is with dh's daughter. Again she was only little when we began a relationship (15months) so, like ds, doesn't know any difference to me being dh's partner/wife and has no recollection of dh and his ex being together. Sometimes it's great, sometimes we get on really well. Other times she will go the whole weekend without speaking to me. It's hard and I've learnt to take a step back and not force anything. She knows where I am if she wants me. I'm very aware she is probably trying to please her mother who sometimes thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread (when I can babysit for her at short notice) and other times thinks I'm the devil himself. But hey, sdd is 6 and so should believe the sun shines out of her mothers backside and agree with everything she says. Sdd does get on really well with her step siblings though and they all adore their baby sibling.
Blended families can work but all adults need to work together and th children need to be given time and space to build relationships as they want to. You certainly can't force it. And as pp's have mentioned, the problems aren't just unique to blended families, just because you are a blood-relation to someone doesn't mean you like them and get on well

By the sound of it the non-resident children of new step-families have the worst of it.

And that is something nobody can protect their own kids from even if not dating, Ex is free to do whatever...

I think the strategy of not dating anyone ever 'for the sake of the children' after a marriage/relationship comes to an end seems a bit drastic.

I can see the wish to focus on children's wellbeing, particularly in the immediate aftermath of a breakup . But are there times when you can make children - who, let's face it are quite selfish - too important. Adults also have a kind of responsibility to/for themselves. To care for their own happiness as well as caring for others

The perspective I'm coming from is this. My stepchildren's mother never remarried and has never - in the last twenty years - had any relationship that her children are aware of. She's also had some problems that are to do with dependence - on food, alcohol etc. My stepchildren who are now adults in their 20s are worried about her. Yes, of course she has friends who keep half an eye on her. But they do wish she wasn't living on her own and unhappy and off work (through long-term illness) - while they're hundreds of miles away. I suspect at this point they'd be quite pleased if she had found a new companion.

There again is the assumption that people who live alone are lonely, unfulfilled, odd and unhappy.

What is it we always hear on Mumsnet? No relationship better than a bad one?

Except apparently if you can't find a good one.

My dad didn't start a relationship with someone else until I was about 19. He told me that had I been younger he wouldn't have done so.
I think the fact that he waited made for a very strong relationship with my dad. He concentrated on me and made sure I had a happy home at home with him growing up. I felt very secure and I think that had he met someone else when I was younger it would have been very hard for me. My mum had the OM who I didn't particularly like and I craved time with just my mum.

The only blended families I have known that really seem to work are when the new partner has no children of their own. Otherwise I think you will always have some conflict because parents will naturally love their own children best.

I have also seen the "mum won't date for the sake of the children" scenario go wrong in three examples I can think of. These children can sometimes become the husband.

Not in a physical sense of course, but their mums burden them early on with big emotional stuff, discuss money worries, job applications, mortgage woes and relationships with the ExH with a hapless 10 year old who'd really be better off a little more oblivious to the adult world. More and more, these children really feel responsible for mum's happiness. It makes for a close bond, but can take a childhood away.

It may be relevant that my lovely mum provided presents for dsc at the same level as for her own grandchildren. There were no 'one family' celebrations apart from those involving the ex wife.
They are a lovely bunch of people and I am proud of them all.

Before dh and I married we did ask all the dc what they thought and promised to wait till the youngest left home if any of them wasn't happy.
Their response was to club together to buy us a weekend honeymoon in a great hotel.

In the case of my partner's ex, it's the case that she's being treated for depression and has various health problems that are associated with/exacerbated by obesity - arthritis, high blood pressure and diabetes.

My stepchildren's view is that living alone hasn't helped. When she was working she'd get back knackered to her flat, sink a bottle of wine and eat a take-away. Or go out with her mates and sink several glasses of wine and eat a curry.

Whereas if she'd got into a relationship with someone who really cared for her, and helped her to look after herself, perhaps she wouldn't be in quite the place where she is now.

A bad relationship is bad for your physical and mental health. A good relationship is good for your general well-being.

I'd only suggest that turning down the possibility of a good, loving relationship out of fear of the adjustments that will have to be made isn't necessarily the best move.

Marianne

I wouldn't marry or co-habit with another man if I divorced, and I don't think I would date either (but that one is less definite).

I have a very 'big' job - challenging, exciting and very rewarding. I have loads of friends, a hobby, and generally lead a full life. I am self sufficient and independent.

So I don't consider that my position on this subject means I would be sacrificing my happiness for my kids as such, nor leaning on them or expecting them to stick to my side like glue.

It's just that I am so burned by my own experience of being a step child (and my situation wasn't even that 'bad' i.e. no-one abused me or anything dire, it was just horrible living with someone who didn't really want me around and living in a house that was never my 'home' and a father who put his wife before me in a million subtle ways).

And I personally only know one vaguely happy blended family out of dozens I've seen over the years.

I think it depends how well someone has processed why went wrong in their first partnership/marriage. Second time around has an even higher likelihood to fail and there's only so many times kids can withstand the blender!

My mum didn't date until I was quite a lot older because she reckoned she chose very badly the first time and didn't really trust that she could choose any better. As an adult I appreciate her sacrifice massively.

I completely agree with you IWish

Loving your child so much you are willing to put your own wants on the back burner makes it pretty likely you won't lean on them emotionally or stunt their independence.

You just want what's best for them and are prepared not to move a strange family in.

Also (and thanks to Moondancer for her reply about her expanding house!) I don't like the idea of trying to squish loads of DCs / teens / young adults into one house.

The only way OH and I could afford the 5 bedrooms minimum that we'd need (which would still involve some sharing) would be to move right out of the city our DCs are from, which the DCs would hate.

It would only end in tears. Not sure what the answer is really. Probably just to wait.

I really don't know about 'sacrifice'. I get all the practical/emotional stuff about not moving two families together into small spaces and assume everyone will live happily ever after.

I suppose I think that love is about teaching children that yes, they are loved and important. But also - as they grow up - that they are not always the entire centre of the universe. That the needs of others are important. It's terrific if a separated person has a great job and loads of mates, and genuinely doesn't want or need to develop a close, sharing relationship with another adult - and wants to put their sexuality on hold for ten years or more. But if you do want that relationship and that other person is a good caring person who will do their best to be a friend and a positive presence? What then?

Positive presence for whom? If you don't want to put children first, don't have them.

UnlikelyP, it's not that simple though. Lots of lone parents like me (and my OH too) didn't and don't want to be in that position, but were left by spouse with the the DCs.

I think that there are times when a step parent can be a positive presence.

if you don't want to put children first don't have them. Nobody said they weren't putting their children first. My children will always be my priority. But I don't think it's healthy for parents to totally suppress/ give up on all other wants and needs just because they have a child. The argument about "if you don't want to look after them don't have children" gets trotted out so many times as a stick to beat mothers with... working mothers, mothers who dare to have a night out or go on holiday without their children, etc etc...

Sorry - like a PP, it's something I feel strongly about. I fully support parents doing, for the most part, what makes them happy, but this is something that infiltrates the place a child should feel safe, loved and wanted.

I spent the first 7 years of my life with vile, abusive parents so I find the suggestion the decision to bring a good person into their lives, a decision that was thought about long and hard (in fact as long and hard as the decision to have children with my ex in the first place) could be something that made them feel unsafe quite insulting.

My children have benefited from my relationship with DH. Ds has benefited from his relationship with me. They are only 16 and 13 (x2) at the moment, but I know they love our family too as it was discussed recently when issues with my family came up.

I did put them first. If I wasn't putting them first I'd have stuck with their useless father. Or I'd have been living with DH about 5 minutes after we met. You can introduce someone to their life AND put them first.

You are not being insulted. Your opinion is that you have brought into your child's life a good person who enhances their life, as this thread shows, sometimes children do differ in their viewpoint.

The fact is, unpalatable as it might be, when you remarry of move a partner in, it is for your benefit and not your child's.