To think blended families don't work?

[4China]

I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

Pranma

Absolutely am not assuming your family are unhappy but can I point out myself, my brother and my sister all have 'successful' jobs, families, marriages.

We laugh and joke at Christmas.

We are all horribly scarred by our experience of living in a step family situation.

I know it's not intentional but this is exactly what some of us are trying to say, kids (kid kids and grown up kids) don't always feel able to be honest about how unhappy things are or were for various reasons.

Of course they would say that, I agree with Sarah

Ours is a fairly functioning blended family, I met dh, he had a ds. We went on to get married, have dc, Dss visits weekends and Holidays. Our family is a lovely unit, but of course dss is more like a much loved older cousin who visits frequently and all of our attempts to treat them all the same at birthdays and Christmas do not make up for the fact that our younger dc have a monopoly on dad, simply because they are here. So I think to dss it feels like the younger dc got his dad instead of him and he has been demoted. It doesn't help that we are and they were not married. I played no role in their breakup and whatever we do, this is as good as it gets unless we move into a weird commune with Dh's ExP, her bf, dh, myself and all the kids. I do feel for dss but just can't see what I can do to make it better. I think this is a fairly common setup and one the resident parent can't prevent, the other parent can go off and start a new family and show they will stay with this lot of children right through to adulthood whereas the last lot of children get to visit and witness what could have been.

Paxillin I think the fact that you acknowledge your dss's feelings on this as legitimate rather than dismissing them is a huge thing though. So many parents and step parents just expect kids to not have feelings like that or be perfectly happy regardless, and it just makes them feel even more like they don't matter.

I won't say that all blended families don't work, obviously some work and some work very well but the families I know who are in this situation find it very hard and to be honest I wouldn't want to swap places with them.

My SiL for example has five children. Her oldest three are to three different men and her youngest two are with the partner she is currently in a relationship with but he also has two other children from two failed relationships. I love my nieces and nephews to bits and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them but I can't help but feel sorry for them, they don't know whether they're coming or going and it's not fair on them.

The oldest three see their fathers but it's on a "rota" basis so each weekend there are some at home, some with their father's, then of course my SiL partner's kids come to stay every other weekend so the dynamics of the family are all over the place. My SiL looks after her kids I'll give her that but I can't help judge the way she's allowed things to work out as it's her children who are now paying the price for her decisions.

Paxillin wise words there.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my father had two other marriages. In my early 20's he started another family with his third wife. Whilst I did not live with them I did visit a lot and was very close to my father. I absolutely adore my little siblings, who are now in their 20's.

I have a very close relationship with my half sister, slightly more maternal than sisterly. We both sat together at my fathers bedside for the last days of his life, and sharing that experience has made us closer.

I have no scars or regrets for being part of that blended family, we still operate as a family years after his death. It has worked for us.

BlueBlueSea, you say your dss's refusal to speak to you or your children doesn't affect you all, but surely your children notice and it can't make for a nice atmosphere at home? I ask because I have the same problem with my dss who is now an adult but lives with us on and off. Why should our children have to live with a bad atmosphere just because that is what dss decides? I have endless arguments with dh for letting him get away with this rude behaviour.

I haven't read all the posts but I disagree completely,

I have a ds who is 5 and a dsd 7, dss1 6, and dss2 2.

The dc all adore eachother and I get on great with my dsc's I love them just as much as ds, admittedly in a different way because there is a feeling you get that you can only get with your own child but overall we are all very happy together.

I appreciate that this may change when they get older though.

HormonalHeap I think because the kids are all the same age and have been pretty much brought up together, they are now teens, they just think he is a bit odd and do not really care. They know his background so can see why he would behave like this.

We work hard to make sure there is not an atmosphere, DH agrees that he is rude and unpleasant to us, but he cannot do anything. So we just get on with our lives and if he chooses to join in he can.

I think the key for us is that DH is aware and makes sure that it does not upset the rest of us.

BlueBlueSea I wonder if you would dismiss a non-communicating teenager as "rude and unpleasant" and allow your stepchildren to call him "a bit odd" if it was your own ds rather than your dh's. Would you make sure "he does't upset the rest" of them?

A family is only working if it is working for all members. Excluding a step child and dismissing them is very dysfunctional, would you advise any mnetter asking how to deal with their difficult teenager "oh just ignore her, she can join when she's ready, just as long as she won't upset the rest of the family".

It sounds a bit like binning the one you don't like or didn't want. By that measure almost all step families work.

Our blended family works I think (others may disagree).

We all get on, my DSD calls me mum, I consider DSD and DSS to be my kids, DGD is my granddaughter and I'm grandma. We spend Christmas and birthdays together - we are a normal family (if there is such a thing).

Conversely DSD doesn't speak to her mum anymore and hasn't since she was 16 (15 years ago), she chose to not continue to engage with her mum's lack of interest in her wellbeing. No drama, just said 'no thanks'.

Paxlllin Yes if one of my own were behaving like this I would make sure that the rest of the kids were not upset by the behaviour. The only difference would be that I would take some responsibility for their behaviour and address it. That is not my place here. We accept that this is how he feels he needs to be and let him.

There are other issues that have contributed to his behaviour, being in a blended family is the least of his problems.

Tbh I think it depends on how you got together how long before you moved in together and what the relationship was like I am amazed how many people have at best so so relationships with their step children before they even live with their dp but still drive forwRd move in and get a married and wonder why things are not working

I have a son with someone else my dp loves my son dearly and visa virsa he has PR with he went to court to get however I would never of moved dp in of I didn't think he could love my son as his own my ds deserves to be loved in his own home not just tolerated

On the flip side my step mum hated my exstinace would not allow me to have a relationship with my siblings and was always very hostile I don't blame her my father allowed it people treat your children how you allow

There are other issues that have contributed to his behaviour, being in a blended family is the least of his problems.

How could you possibly know this? The breakdown of your husband's first marriage and his second family (who he doesn't like) is an obvious source of angst for his son. Is it not? That's a bit like saying: well, this patient has a fever but I doubt it's because he just had his leg amputated.

poster paxillin Tue 01-Dec-15 20:22:19

Totally agree many behave towards there step children how they would not treat their birth children if their honest it doesn't come from a place of love or family it comes form resentment and rather them not being their and seeing their BC as having pride of place for a lot of women inperticullr step children are inconvient

Often the dps are fuckwits rather than addres this they blame the children I always think it's odd you would take up with someone who's children you hate or feel indifferent about children are not loved on condition of their beavhoiurs they should be loved despite them

sarahsavevstheday How could you possibly know this?

Of course I know this. I have known him since he was a toddler, I know everything that has happened to him. Why would I not know? He can not react against all the traumatic things that have happened to him, so is easier to direct unpleasantness to us. I did say in a previous post that there is a big back story with him, but the blended family aspect is the most positive and has changed his life for the better. I am not going into that in any more detail.

Our unit does work for us, and it works better for him than any family unit he has ever known.

I guess it's generally easier if the new partner doesn't have children of their own. But very true, as pps have said, that there are plenty of tensions and problems in traditional two parent families.

Sam, it's a great idea if done sympathetically and ethically ...

It's such a sweeping statement it's impossible to respond other than YABU.

Lots of families have issues, blended or not.

As a SM I'm not going to pretend I don't have a bias here.

I won't disagree that the optimal is a standard, secure "normal" family set up. However that's simply not the scen

Posted too soon...

I was saying it's not the scenario many people can replicate.

In my experience a successful blended family involves a lot of give and take, but most importantly respect and equality.

I'm not DSD's mother and there's a careful balance to strike between being a responsible adult in her life but not pushing to be a "parent".

It works for us and we are happy family but I don't agree blended families don't work I will concede they take more work, empathy and good communication to do so.

ZOMBIE

Incase people didn't realise.

Yeah zombie thread but resurrected by someone involved in a tv programme.

Clearly there are going to be some blended families which work better than others, but overall the potential for things to be harmonious for everyone is likely to be less than in a nuclear family.

Family dynamics can be really hard work, and sometimes it's difficult to like your own biological children when they're being difficult teenagers, so it's hardly surprising if it's tough when you're dealing with other people's children.