To think blended families don't work?

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I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

i had a wonderful step mother....she was there for me when my dad died for the next 26 years until she died....4 step siblings that are like my own family....they are my family.....so blended families do work

I felt that he moved on from his children too, created a new life and then expected us to fit into it for HIS benefit and HER benefit - not for ours.

Yup, know that feeling!

My dad once exclaimed in the middle of a party he was hosting that 'my two daughters by my ex are here and it's lovely to have my biological and my emotional family all in one place'. Didn't seem lovely to my sister and me at all for obvious reasons!

It hurts, doesn't it? I'm 33 and still well up when he does these things (and he has form).

I've read some shocking posts on MN that have, plainly speaking, left me with a bad impression of blended families.

My observation of failed/subsequent marriages is that generally you're trading one set of problems for another, and then you've got your children living with someone who is not their parent. There are obvious exceptions (abuse, drugs).

Hairyfairybumscary (awesome name) said: I'm a SM too. I'm sorry to say that I don't 'love' my SD (6) as much as I try to however I do care for her and I'm close to her. I go out of my way to treat my own DD and DSD equally. I'm hoping the bond will grow with time. I am certainly fond of her I just don't have the bond that I have with my own child. I feel guilty admitting this but I can't lie to myself.

I don't think you should feel guilty about that - I honestly think that's how MOST stepparents feel it's just that it's not all that socially acceptable to admit it. People get upset and draw comparisons with adoption but I think that's totally different. In adoption, you choose a child and you take them on completely as your own and of course you usually love them as your own. With stepchildren you chose their parent, not them - they are an extra that you have to accept and hopefully like, and there is usually another parent on the scene so you are not parenting them in the same way or moving into that exact role.

Hairy interesting what you say about stepdads adapting better... I guess the thing is stepdads inevitably end up being a resident parent t the step child...Stepmums will often only be seen every other week if that, and probably seen as taking away from precious time the DC wants to spend with their dad.

Having said that, my DC seem to get in pretty well with exH's girlfriend, though they don't see her that much.

Have't rift but really wanted to comment - I think there is tons of sense on this thread.

Someone said "well lots of nuclear families don't work that great either." I agree, they can be awful. AND - (not but) - I think that the sentimental place that "the family" holds in our collective rose tinted romantic cultural hearts, is part of the problem with blended families - as well as being responsible for people holding on like grim death to dysfunctional nuclear families - or being held, against their will.

There is a lot of pain when your first spousal relationship ends, and there is, I think, a misplaced drive to repair this by dressing up a group of people as a "Family" who may or may not be pre-disposed to play this part well or with enthusiasm.

In my experience blended families have caused awful pain and long term damage to people who were children within them. In one case, the boy's mother was so obsessed with getting her new man, and her happiness and sense of self worth was so horribly bound up in the success of this, that she was really abusively strict with his behaviour so as not to "put [new man] off" and the boy internalised this horrific sense of responsibility for his mother's new relationship as the most important thing in the world - and weirdly with a definite subconscious or semi-conscious sense that in some creepy way he was facilitating her self worth by affirming her sexual desirability. Ugh. He's in his 40s now, and kind of nuts.

I know someone else who is in her 20s who has huge mental health problems I am sure in part due to self medicating with illegal drugs the pain of abuse by her step father.

SleepUntilMidnight - your story is amazing and I wish you all the luck in the world
However - the hallmarks of what you are describing is kind of a very unusual prioritisation of "blended" over "family". In other words: you have described some people who have come to hang together and do their best by each other, rather than a group of people who have decided to manufacture A FAMILY, no matter what the cost to the individuals. I wish more people would look after each other and each other's children in this way! Hang the family, let's just do the right thing

Sorry Magicalhamsandwich - that's a really crappy thing that your dad did. Mine is very disengaged so wouldn't even say anything like that but that hurts in other ways of course.

I am currently really judging a friend who is doing a crap rushed job of blending with her current squeeze's family. I feel so sorry for her daughters being forced to share a room with these other children and to spend time with a man who is clearly 'trying his best not to find them irritating'. :(

Someone said "well lots of nuclear families don't work that great either." I agree, they can be awful.

Sure, but how many of these failed families (marriages) make earnest attempts at a resolution? Is it possible that they seem failed in the same way that every marriage feels like a failure at some point, and you've just got to see it through?

Another very hurt child here. My lovely DF married my toxic stepmother when I was 11, My birth mother abandoned me when I was 7 on Paddington Station (ok no jokes) Am sure it was arranged as DF appeared 5-10 minutes later.
He married the bitch and I know she thought I was worthless. I knew it and would kiss her feet and pleaded with her to love me. She never did and I was always useless in her eyes compared with her birth children. I did OK and was a good paediatric nurse/midwife.

My DD was marrying a young man with a young son who he had custody of and she was worried could she love the LO, I told her they came as a package if she couldn't love the LO GET OUT it was not fair to cock his life up again. 14 years on they get on and love each other to bits.

Two different sides.

God this has been cathartic

I am currently really judging a friend who is doing a crap rushed job of blending with her current squeeze's family.

I have a really, really good friend with 2 kids who has surprised everyone with a super-fast engagement. I am doing my best to not judge.

you've just got to see it through Of course, that's where we're all going wrong. We should just stick with really crappy relationships, put up with adultery, abuse, or just genuinely falling out of love, for the sake of the children. Cos that works, right?

I think some posters confuse 'blended' with 'stepparent.'

I know of cases where a woman has split up with a man before her child turns 5. He takes no interest in the child and she starts a new relationship and the 'stepdad' becomes the dad in every true sense of the word. Even though there may be subsequent children there's no difference in how they are treated: all children live with mum and dad all the time.

That's fine.

But more commonly it's - Sarah married Steve and they have two children and split up. Sarah meets another man and he has two kids. Steve meets another woman and she has two kids. Sarah might want a baby with new man, Steve might want a baby with new woman. Sarah and Stevens original kids feel uncomfortable at home as their stepdad is always there, sometimes their step siblings. They also feel uncomfortable at Steves house too because his new girlfriend and her kids are there. They don't feel stable, comfortable or wanted anywhere. They start playing up and playing Sarah and Steve against one another which increases the discomfort at home. All in all, it's not a pleasant scenario.

Sarah and Steve cheerfully say kids are resilient.

I guess you've missed my previous post, unicorn.

YANBU. I was a step-child from age 5 and it has been a thoroughly miserable experience. I have never encountered a happy 'blended family' and I would never inflict it on my DC.

This post perfectly describes my thoughts on the matter. To say that I hated every moment of the experience would be an understatement. Absolutely horrific in every way.

A relative of mine married a man who was RP to his children. She had her own children. They all moved in together and were thoroughly happy... all of the children were treated the same. When my relative was widowed her SC remained living with her. They are grown ups now but clearly blended families can work. It may be different because all of the children lived together in one house and visited their NRPs for weekend visits etc. Both "sets" of children were equally at home in their house, both had one biological parent in the household and they were of similar ages.

I think that breaking up a horrible nuclear family can probably be wonderful and liberating and good for the children. but why does that lead necessarily to a blended family? you don't have to be with someone new in that way, in that Brady Bunch "I wanted to have a man on my arm in every photo and I will DAMMIT" kind of way.

I do also think that thinking that happiness only comes from a particular sort of conventional romantic relationship is childish. You can grow out of this in various ways: the spark is gone but you stick by each other and still laugh at the same jokes; or you the spark is gone, you hate each other, and you leave each other but CRUCIALLY do not NEED to have a New Boyfriend and doodle your name with his surname on your jotter like a 14 year old.

I think there is no shame in sticking with dull and barely fulfilling relationships. you can find excitement and emotional intensity in other things - work, you can run a marathon, you can start a charity, you can have exciting and rewarding friendships, your own children are intensely demanding and rewarding. I think it is silly and childish to believe that you are somehow cut off from the wellspring of all true emotional authenticity unless you are In Love, and you do it in a certain way that leads inexorably to living in the same house, and you always spend Christmas day together and other Special Days and so on, and anyone who gets in the way of this - like a step child who doesn't like you suddenly in the picture all the time - is unacceptably pissing on your inalienable right to be a Romantic Lady like you saw in the Timotei adverts when you were 11, and have wanted to be ever since.

Put the children first. Get a babysitter and get a room.

Fuzzy, you say it's a relative and that 'all the children were thoroughly happy.'

I don't doubt that most (although many outwardly very unhappy children will be in blended families) children living with step parents /brothers /sisters will seem perfectly happy. That's where the myth of resilience comes from: it isn't resilience at all, it's not knowing any better.

Adults often have a very different perception on a child's reality.

Of course unless someone has been widowed, you also have to ask yourself why your new man is single again? sometimes he is actually, however charming, a lazy sexist man in a family context and if you do actually want to shag him you should think bloody hard about whether you want anything resembling a conventional domestic relationship with someone who - if you read between the lines - failed to pull his weight in the last one. Because now he is going to be an awful step dad (if you have children) as well as being a completely terrible NRP and he will expect you to fit into the slot that his ex has liberated herself from so you'll be on intense step mum duty - not just supporting him to have a relationship with his children, but actually doing the heavy parenting lifting, because he doesn't know how and doesn't want to

LockTheTaskBar, I agree with you wholeheartedly.

My husbands parents both remarried. The divorce was bitter and the parents still don't speak but dh loves his step dad.
He's not sure about step mum but he gets on well with three half siblings on that side, though he was never "blended" with them and didn't live with them, only went on holidays etc.
So even in one child's experience there were good and bad experiences.

Lockthetaskbar that's quite a weird, nonsensical rant. So it's childish to want a romantic relationship? We should stick with "dull and barely fulfilling relationships" for the sake of the kids? Erm... Timotei adverts?!?

Very much agree with the op

As far as I can see, 'blending families' is basically of benefit for the adults. It will almost certainly be negative for the children.

You're right- they weren't all happy all the time... Their unhappiness didn't come from the blending of their families though- his children had issues before the families were blended due to issues with their inconsistent NR mother and her disinterest in them. When their father died that obviously added to their unhappiness. All are very clear about the fact that they are one family though and they see themselves as one big set of siblings. Their love for their mother and each other is obvious and genuine.

do hate the way ensuring a stable background for your child(ren) is seen to be 'martyring' yourself. It's possible to live a full, happy and contended life without dating, meeting men or moving them in.

It is certainly possible to have a fulfilling relationship without moving in together, and without having more children with your new partner.