To think blended families don't work?

[4China]

I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

I do hate the way ensuring a stable background for your child(ren) is seen to be 'martyring' yourself. It's possible to live a full, happy and contended life without dating, meeting men or moving them in.

Nope it doesn't work - unless you have done it you can't appreciate the impact of having a parent in the house who is not the biological parent.
99% of news stories of children being harmed/killed/suicide involve a step father living in the house

My older children love their little sister ( product of my second marriage) neither of them like my dh . My older children abhor their step mother and seem to love their siblings from that marriage. My Ex husband and I have tried to keep things civil but have little need to communicate now that our children are nearly adults.

Izzy do you have any evidence that 99% of news stories of children being killed involve a stepfather?

UnlikelyPilgramage I completely understand that and if I ever end up a lone parent that would probably be my instinct. But you don not have control over the ex who may present the children with a step mum, step siblings or half siblings. Many of the stories upthread are from posters whose NRP started or joined another family and this family ended up unhealthy and damaging for them.

It's a bit depressing really. Statistically speaking children of single parents don't fair too well either so really the outcome is if you separate from your childs biological parent they're doomed.

stats canada says 50% of 1st marriages fail and 75% of 2nd marriages. Doesn't sound happy to me.

Unlikely I had no opinion on my SIL's lack of relationship with a man , that was what she was happy with , what annoyed me was the insinuation that it was somehow the best option , the only right way of being , that to do otherwise was wrong .

Tbh it seems massively selfish to me to inflict step parents and step siblings living in same house as your child, who has little or no say in the matter. So your child's home life is turned upside down because you don't want to live without a partner. Really can't see it as anything but selfishness, even tho I accept sometimes of works out OK.

I agree with you OP.

My upbringing was unconventional. I didn't live with either parent but saw my dad at weekends. Moved in with him, his DP and her DS for a time, they had children together. His DP always treated me differently to her own and I never felt particularly wanted by her. Then they split and I left that home. Dad met someone else, had another child, his new DP already had one. That was a disaster. I was around but never lived with them thankfully.

I am the first person in my family to have all children with the same man, whom I am married to and there is no blending at all. This was something I was absolutely determined on and I think my background says exactly why. I will do anything in my power to keep my family the way it is. Not one of the blended families in my family worked and many of the children haven't turned out that great tbh.

YANBU

There are obviously exceptions but the potential for resentment (for both the adults & children involved) does seem huge

If I ever end up single again for any reason then I would have huge reservations about getting involved with a man with children (unless perhaps they were already adults) and wouldn't dream of having extra DC with a new partner - I just wouldn't want that for the DC I already have (yes it might work out wonderfully but realistically the chances are low and I wouldn't be prepared to put my DC through the potential upset and insecurity it might cause)

Single parents don't fare too badly. It tends to be multiple 'step' parents who aren't conducive. Suggests priorities are wrong.

Every single example I've ever seen of an unhappy blended family has involved an utterly selfish adult somewhere along the line. Be it one of the adults in the blended family or the other parent.

In many ways unhappy blended families are unhappy for the same reason as unhappy nuclear (for want of a better word) families. The manifestation of that selfishness is just different.

Unlikelypilgrimage I can't comment on your choices, but I think my mum did martyr herself tbh. I would rather have seen her happy and fulfilled with a partner than lonely and depressed, as she was. I think there's a happy medium to be found, surely. I'm a single parent now, I do date, but very cautiously. I don't introduce people.to my DC. Maybe one day I will, but only if I'm absolutely certain it's the right thing.

There is some evidence that although biological fathers kill (filicide / suicide) in very high numbers of cases a larger % of these cases (by a nose) might be stepfathers. The research also suggests the intent is less clear cut than in biilogical fathers (rarely premeditated, generally anger / violence / lashing out ... never had that early oxytocin either).
But those cases (all of them) are still massively rare (and barely statistically relevant). Using cases reported in the media is no measure as the media likes sensationalist click bait.
Blended families suffer majorly from "grass is greener" viewpoints. The addition of a step parent / step sibling / half sibling / adoptive sibling becomes the "problem". Non-blended families / single parent families .... they are not necessarily some shining light of perfection. My parents often go on about their successful marriage etc. Living in that family (no divorce from youth) was bloody awful.

I feel this is where we go wrong: it's assumed that being single equates to being lonely, that single women people are trying to rectify this state and that actually devoting yourself to your child is a bad thing in some way.

And not just murder but child abuse. Most fathers aren't sexually attracted to their daughters for obvious reasonable but a good few step fathers are because there is no genetic connection.

"I do hate the way ensuring a stable background for your child(ren) is seen to be 'martyring' yourself"

Likewise I'm not terribly impressed by the assertion that making a home with a new partner is something that a good parent "wouldn't dream of doing to" his/her (but let's be honest, we're only concerned about 'her' here, aren't we?/) children.

shrugs

On one hand YABU and on the other YANBU.
I am a stepchild, I get on with my SD now (didn't at the time of my parents split 9 years ago as an angsty 14 year old) my SM is an absolute cunt to put it politely. She stopped me from seeing my half brother, persuaded my dad to stop letting me visit him and eventually, alienated my whole family against me, most of them still don't speak to me now. As a 16 year old child, this was one of the toughest things I've been through. My dad and I have irregular contact and as far as I'm aware she's making his life a living hell.

I'm a SM too. I'm sorry to say that I don't 'love' my SD (6) as much as I try to however I do care for her and I'm close to her. I go out of my way to treat my own DD and DSD equally. I'm hoping the bond will grow with time. I am certainly fond of her I just don't have the bond that I have with my own child. I feel guilty admitting this but I can't lie to myself.

It's not bad to devote yourself to your child. It's also not bad to want a fulfilling adult relationship too. They are not mutually exclusive. I just don't think it's that simple.

I think some blended families can work - my sister married a man with a DC from a previous relationship, she also had a DC. They now have 2 more together. My own DC think of his DC as their cousin, everyone gets along, it all works. I know other single parents who seem to introduce the DC to another new partner every few months, which seems wrong to me. I think the problem comes when people rush, or don't put the DC first.

On the whole, I think the OP is correct. Of course, there are examples of blended families which just "work", but they can also bring a lot of unhappiness. Early n the thread, someone pointed out that the parents and children may well have different ideas as to how happy the family actually is and this is something I have seen. Often it seems to be wishful thinking on the part of one or more of the parents.

I was a step child who had to move in with another family. As such, I cannot conceive of the circumstances where I would inflict such a thing on one of my own children. I see friends of mine who have split from their husbands - and I see a lot of unhappy children (and, quite often, parents who are in complete denial about this fact).

It can go either way, I suppose:

My own father introduced us to a number of 'step-mothers' of whom I only liked one and that was because I was already 17 then and she was only 22. . I dislike his second wife because she manipulates the shit out of him and has actually made him a far less pleasant person.

My mother was another martyred single and I actually feel quite sad for her because of it. I wish she'd find someone even now.

On the other hand there is my friend's lovely step-dad who stepped up and walked her down the aisle at her wedding when her useless father failed to even turn up. He didn't even hint at an 'I told you so' - just naturally stepped in and made her feel that she did have a lovely family that cared for her.

My co-worker's biological father died when he was quite young - which is why I feel awful about the jealousy I feel when he tells me about his relationship with his 'dad' - his mother's second husband. They've got one of the best father-adult son relationships I've ever seen whereas my father and I speak twice a year at most.

Sorry I've been away and have just read through all the replies. Thank you all for sharing your experiences - I think that I'd probably change my opinion from 'they don't work' to 'they mostly don't work' based on this thread so far.

I do also think it's clear that the parents (the couple that got together) have a rosier view of how the family is working than the children.

One of the things that I think will always stay with me is the massive feeling of betrayal any time my parent chose their partner over me - even if it was justified for discipline reasons.

I never ever thought, wished or hoped for my bio family to get back together - even as a child I was aware of how toxic that family was. But I felt like my dad didn't just move on from my mum, I felt that he moved on from his children too, created a new life and then expected us to fit into it for HIS benefit and HER benefit - not for ours.

magical that's lovely about your friend's SD walking them down the aisle.

Does anybody notice how men tend to adapt better as step parents than women do?

Think of it from a child's point of view: if your dad (usually) starts living with and/or marries someone with resident DC, he effectively chooses another child/children over his own.

I have lost a lot of respect for a friend who has moved on far too quickly with a man who has left his children in another country to start living with her and her DC, and they spend their lives playing happy families, acting as if everything is perfect, and isn't this just the most wonderful thing ever, all over social media. I feel sorry for her DC, but most of all, for his. How must they feel, seeing these images of their father playing doting families with other children, on Facebook?