To think blended families don't work?

[4China]

I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

Think it depends on the circumstances and individuals concerned. My experience growing up in a blended family was negative, but that's because the adults involved didn't handle it in an appropriate manner. Think if, like me, you've had a bad experience then it sways your opinion so you can't give a balanced view.

My friend met her partner when her daughter was about 13. She has now married him, and her daughter is now nearly 18. Daughter refers to the partner by his first name - but I have seen posts on her FB page that have photos of the pair of them together saying things like "My Dad and me, celebrating passing my driving test!" They seem to be a very successful blended family.

Admittedly there is only one "teenager" regularly in the house (his daughter lives abroad with her mother and occasionally comes over for holidays) - and she goes to boarding school as a weekly boarder, so is not always there. They do have elderly mother in law living with them too, which I am sure brings its own pressures...

I forgot to summarise my post - so it CAN work nicely.

In fairness many "nuclear" families are fairly dysfunctional, too.

The problem is nobody has any control over their children ending up in blended families. One can of course say I won't move in with anybody else, but nobody can control what their Ex does. He/ she is free to find a step-mum or -dad for the children and there might be step-siblings already and half-siblings to be added.

It is possible to stay in a (possibly unhappy) relationship of course for the dc, but even then the other parent might up sticks and leave.

"They will always have a safe haven with people who love them"

Good. As do my brother's children and step-children. As do my sister's. As, indeed, did my siblings and I. As you say, it's precious.

And wannabe - talking about the pitfalls of blended families is rather different from insisting they never work and are always second best. No?

My dad and stepmum would say it worked well. My stepsisters and half sister who lived with them all the time would probably say the same (DSM's ex died shortly after she left him for my dad). I would beg to differ, as would my sister, who is still messed up as a result of it. I get on ok with DSM, DSSs and DhalfS, but throughout my childhood and adolescence (and quite frankly adulthood) I have been treated differently. I tried to address it with my dad when I was about 12, and didn't want to go for access weekends, but he was in complete denial about there being any kind of problem My children are treated very differently to my stepsister's children too, all the promises of babysitting/ having GC to stay were retracted when my eldest was born, though they regularly do this for stepsister's children.

My mum remarried about 7 years after my dad did, that was well and truly a disaster. At the time I wanted it to work for her sake - despite being about 14 I was desperate for her to be happy, but I wasn't happy (though I didn't show it). I felt a kind of sad relief when they divorced.

I've been thinking through all my friends who were children in blended families or who have remarried etc and I think the only family where it works is one where my friend met her now DH (who was childless) when her daughter was really young, and he's the only father figure she's known. She knows he's not her biological dad, but changed her name to his and has always called him dad. All the other blended families I know have had serious problems.

I think it's incredibly rare that everyone in the family feels it works well. They might claim it works well (and as others have pointed out, it tends to be the remarried parents who think it's working brilliantly, but they have much more of a reason to want it to work). If DH were to die tomorrow, leaving me with 3 children, as difficult as it would be I really don't think I could put my children through the upheaval of a blended family.

My family was great. I have two sisters and two steps and they are all great. Hard work at times bit all families are and dad being married sure beats heck out of him being unhappy and alone. My stepmother is lovely and I love her to bits. Both dad and stepmum are just granny and grandpa to all the grandkids.

Both were widowed before remarrying. Maybe that makes a difference though?

My dsd was a wonderful man and loved me and my dsis like his own children. I think it helped that he couldn't have his own DC so we provided the family he thought he couldn't have. I miss him every day. He was much nicer than my dad who while not abusive can be a bit self involved.

I think it's easier for men to step parent. I also think it's easier if the dad isn't on the scene. Or I suppose if he's dead. I know of a family where this has worked well. Don't get me wrong it was devastating but the step dad came in and has brought the dc up as his own and loved them although they've never called him dad out of respect for their dead father.

"They will always have a safe haven with people who love them"

So do mine. They are loved at home with me and their step dad and they were equally as loved at their dads. In fact they have a lot of people who love them from all sides of the family.

The ideal situation for any child is two parents together, who are happy and not dysfunctional. Of course it is, but that doesn't mean that blended families never work.

Mine loved it when we did things together, there was no awkwardness, just two parents and their step-parents getting on.

It can work, but I also had very high expectations of my husband. I would never have married him if he didn't love them deeply, or if I ever thought there would be any issues there. If he favoured his bio children that would not work for me. He genuinely does love them like they are his blood, and they are his children in every way that matters. Any different and it wouldn't have worked for me. My children were never going to feel like they were second best in their own house.

It shocked me that a few people asked me if DH minded all the pictures of my ex husband being up around the house. It was him who put more up when he died, but apparently some thought this was unusual as most people would hate to see their partners exes face around the house It takes a lot of maturity and security to work but it can be done.

I don't think they do either OP.

The adults may be happy as they get the partner they want but children rarely are. Different treatment, different families, one getting more presents, holidays etc.

It would take a very special person to love and treat a non related child as much as their own.

Most of my adult friends and family members do not have the same relationship with step/half siblings as they do their full bio siblings unless they shared the house 100%. Although again most of the parents would say it was a great success.

It is a difficult subject , I remember being rather hurt by my SIL's comment at a party that she 'had done the right thing ' by her boys because after her very acrimonious divorce she had never had another relationship and yet was delighted when her brother , my DH, met and married me , a single parent

I think the key thing to remember is every relationship takes a significant amount of work , regardless of whether the other person is the fruit of your loins or not

YANBU. It certainly doesn't work here. SD was 13 when DH and I got together, ten years after his marriage ended. In that time she has consistently refused food and drink I have prepared, ignored Christmas (card addressed to DH only) and my birthday. Her invitation to my DD's wedding was also ignored, not declined, just ignored.

Because she will not talk to me other than 'hello' and 'goodbye' and only then if she is pressed, I gave no idea what her problem us.

DH is so desperate to maintain his relationship wit her that he won't engage with this.

It's miserable.

I also remember the stress my friend went through as a stepmother , she would come to me to say the unsayable , but at the end of every rant , she would sigh and say ' I am the adult and they are the child , I need look at it from their point of view ' . Her situation wasn't helped by a biological mother telling a whole load of nasty malicious lies . Now though if either of her step children get into any kind of trouble , my friend is the person they ring first , above both their biological mother or father .

I'm from a very blended family - two 'half' siblings, one full sibling, two step siblings. Three dads and two mums! I love all my siblings and we're very close. Am also very close to my step dad. I don't think age matters so much as the attitude of everyone involved.

I was about 8 when my mum got with my step dad. My elder sister (actually my half sister but I don't refer to her that way) was 15. She is very close to my step dad and refers to him as her dad.

So I think YABU to assume that all blended families don't work.

I think YABU but I can see how it can seem that way. I had a great childhood in a blended family, my stepdad is my go to parent even though he is technically ex stepdad. He has been around since I was 6 and I have never doubted for a second that I am his daughter just as much as his biological daughter. When my mum cheated on him with her now DP, I helped him work through it. I went on holiday with him and called him daily because he doesn't have much family of his own and I am his kid. I never doubt that I can go to him with anything ( such as calling him at 3am after eating too much space cake and asking when I was going to get off that particular ride). He walked dsis down the aisle with my dad. My dad and stepdad get on well too.
Saying this my SS who was around eow never felt connected to my mum, perhaps because she wasn't always around. However I think it was a combination of stepdads ex bad mouthing my mum and my mum not treating SS the same as me and my dsis. Only in small small ways but it added up. My mum has only seen SS twice in 7 years since divorce, both because of family events. I never noticed this stuff as a kid but it is clear now!
My dad and stepmums family was tough too. They lived far from us and we saw them monthly, stepsiblings on this side were MUCH older, so it was harder to blend. All my step siblings call my dad Dad, but theirs was AWOL. Apparently they did resent my sister and I a bit but I never noticed as a child.
Basically everyone needs to be on board and I think it's very important to be fair. You have to treat the kids equally.

Yanbu from your experience but mine is very different. We (step siblings and full siblings) ranged from 20 to 8 when our parents met, most of us were teens. My step dad is a huge part of my life. Treats me exactly the same as his daughter and loves my kids as if they were his own never mind step-grandkids. I think we're a hugely successful blended family. I love my step dad just as much as I love my mum, and my step sinlings the same as my full siblings

I'm a lone parent and my sons see their father sporadically. He has a new relationship and a new baby. His girlfriend has three children who are older from a previous relationship and they frequently prioritise their "plans" over my sons.

My sons frequently talk about how they'd like me to get married and find them a second dad. In their minds they'd then have the perfect father to take them to football and do stuff with them at home.

The reality is that I've had a few dates and friendships since my divorce and everyone I meet has their own problems and baggage. I'd hate to disrupt our happy little house. My sons need stability and security and introducing a new man would threaten that. I couldn't even contemplate moving someone in!

Of course there are more challenges with a blended families but I also think happy (and unhappy) families come in all shapes and sizes.

My uncle and aunt's blended family is amazing. When they first got together the kids ranged from toddler to early teens. My aunt's dcs consider my uncle to be their "real" dad (their actual dad was very unstable and unreliable)

Arguably much more functional than my own non-blended family!

We are a happy blended family, although I do think we are probably a minority. I'm a step mum and whilst I do love them differently to my own children (they don't need me to be their mum - they have a very loving mum already), I would do anything for them in the same way I would my own. They are adults now, and I miss them when we don't see them, my children love them dearly. We have never said half brothers, they are all just brothers etc.

We are very lucky that it has worked so well, but DH & his Ex wife put the hard work in by maintaining a friendship. At DSS1' wedding we had a rather drunken heart to heart where I thanked her for making it easy for me to love her children. She replied that if she was sending her children off to stay in a different house so often that she owed it to them to ensure they would be happy & relaxed there.
I do think it helps that their divorce was amicable & both met new partners & were happy. Also financially both households were similar - maybe that also makes a difference.

arguably much more functional than my own non-blended family

^ this in bloody buckets full ^

My dad was desperate to please his new gf and her dd. I was expected to be a performing monkey to his new very indulged step daughter. I was literally made to sleep with her and tell her bedtime stories. She was 5 and I was 9.
I remembered feeling so bitter, relegated and awkward. Even as a kid though I was a people pleaser and never complained. I'd always try to let my dad feel like he was winning at it.
My dad and sm have a very different version of events. They look back on it as idyllic and believe they seamlessly blended two families. My ss and I are very uncomfortable around each other now. She's nice enough but there's a massive barrier of weirdness. My db's feel the same ambivalence to sm and ss so it's not just me being a funny bugger.
From what I've observed with other blended families, the power seems to lie with the family whose home it is, with the visiting kids being more likely to feel shit.

I think YABU. After all, what's the alternative? People stay in unhappy marriages? Or single parents martyr themselves and don't have a new relationship until their DC leave home?

After my mum left my abusive dad she never looked for another relationship. I would have been SO happy if she had found a new partner. Instead she was quite lonely and I increasingly felt responsible for her happiness as I got older.

YANBU. I think they're more likely to be successful when they don't involve Non-Resident children/parents.

Situation A) RP, meets new person, moves in, marries, has more children is more likely to work (based on what I've seen) than B)NRP meets new person, moves in, has more children with stepchild as the "incomer" EOW. Also IME, lot of children still view their RP's home as "home" and the NRP's as "NRP's house", even when they verge on 50/50 care.