To think blended families don't work?

[4China]

I actually would quite like to be proved wrong here and hear lots of happy stories about it all coming together well.

I suspect it's more likely to work when the kids are very young and grow up with another person in a parent role, rather than if families are blended in later life.

My own experience of a blended family is negative and has led me to think that children hardly ever like their step-parents and step-parents don't really love stepchildren like their own (which I think is understandable) although they may care for them and do their very best by them, and that the dynamics of two families living together - some perhaps part time (like I was) - just don't work and lead to all kinds of tensions and resentments. Biological parents have to juggle spending time with their own children and forming a relationship with stepchildren. People co-parent side-by-side despite families having different parenting styles and some children being raised differently for half or a percentage of the time by another party.

Not sure if I can think of a better way to do it though because lots of people split up and lots of people fall in love with new people that they want to be with and that's understandable. I guess maybe people need to stop trying to pretend it's a thing and just parent their children separately. In my case I think half the problem was the parents having this 'rose-tinted' view of what our new family would look like and finding it hard to accept that the kids didn't like each other or their step parents!

Our blended family works well but we're in a slightly different situation. My three DCs are 19, 17 and 14, my DPs are 19 and 16 and our shared DD is 18 months. The difference is we're both widowed so there's no exes in the picture and all children live together with us - except eldest two are now at uni.
We did have a few issues when we first got together of course but one everyone's settled and happy and the kids have all bonded over their love of the newest family member.

now everyone's settled

Loving someone doesn't come automatically. With a blended family, you are being asked to learn to live with, get on with and preferably love a group of extra people and possibly base yourself in more than one place as you move from your df's blended family to your dm's. I would have thought that would place a huge amount of stress on all but the most easy going and extrovert of people. If nobody ever really wanted a large family, it just happened, then that makes it worse, as does lack of space if finances are tight. From the perspective of my own personality, I would have found it an appalling prospect as a child.

I wrote a reply on another thread on a similar subject recently,where the OP said she couldn't stand (I'm not quoting her) her partners child. I said she would feel altogether different about her own baby, and that its not possible to love other people's children as one loves ones own anyway.
Well, there were howls of rage and abuse all round.

I've never really thought about it in these terms, but, reading this thread, I realise that none of my friends had a positive experience of a blended family.
Some of them liked their step parent (many didn't) but they didn't like the other kids, or they didn't mind them in theory but didn't want to spend too much time with them.

I think some parents have a very strong drive to create a new family, if they feel the first one failed. And that leads to a kind of false positivity and a tendency to ignore any signs that their children aren't happy or it's not really working.

Not having bitter ex partners in the background/foreground would considerably reduce the stress, though!

Having been a step mum, a step child and now technically my dh is a step dad to my eldest.

In all three cases, it's worked. Fantastically.

I adored my stepdad, and he did me. And same with my older brother and sister, they all got on fantastically. And I was the youngest at 7 when he arrived on the scene.

I worshipped my stepson, and he adored me. We had a wonderful relationship. I still miss him every day now, and keep tabs on him and his progress. And he knows he can run to me any time he may need to. Now or in the future. He was 3 when I met him.

My DH, is my eldest dad. No more, no less. Their relationship is no different between my youngests and his. His family treat the children identically too.

I'm from a blended family.

My mother left my father when I was born. He remarried when I was two. I didn't live with him and my stepmother until I was 5 (but that was due to a whole other messy situation). My father and dsm then had three more children. They always treated me like I was the same. My siblings and I are incredibly close, so close in fact that when I moved country my siblings have moved over to stay close. It's worked out well.

We all avoid our parents equally, so I'm pretty sure I'd feel the same way towards my dsm if she was my dm. I like her more than I like my df. hth

You can choose your friends.
You cannot choose your family.

Blended families occur - by definition - as a result of failed relationships

Many other families are just as unhappy but the parents do not split up.

Love is more complicated in step families but it can work. Real parents can be awful to their children. Yabu but you have a point. For the record I hated my step dad but he tried his best, my real dad rocks though!

My impression is that it's more the parents/stepparents who say it 'works' more than the children involved.

I'm sure that my friends' parents/step-parents would have said things worked out wonderfully, but their children would disagree.

Moondancer How did you find a house big enough for five teenagers?!

OH and I have 5, plus a 20 year old who has joined the military and comes back on leave when they can. I just can't see us managing to blend. We would need a west wing and an east wing.

I think it depends entirely on the parents involved. When I met DH the most important people in the world to me were my girls. The most important person to him was his son. We were on a very similar thought process, we also parented similarly. Introductions, spending time together and, eventually, moving in together was all done at pace that suited the children. The children are treated equally by both of us, they get (even now when we’re going joint children) time alone with ‘their’ parent and the hard work we’ve put in paid off.

DD’s are visiting their step-mother this weekend. Their father is pretty feckless and has all but forgotten about his daughters since his son was born. Thankfully for the girls their SM was/is pretty horrified by that and has kicked his backside several times. It’s not as smooth in their house, but that’s because of him rather than her.

I have an ex friend whose blended family was a disaster. Her step-children hate her and she seems oblivious to the correlation between her resentment at them being around at times when she wanted her DH to herself and this. That said she’s an inherently selfish person and always had issues with boyfriend’s mums or best friends not liking her without being able to see why.

So I think YABU. If people put the effort in and make sure their children are happy and secure it can work. DS calls me Mum (his Mum died when he was a child), my girls call DH ‘Pop’ as they didn’t feel calling him by his name was right when he was more than a ‘Brian’ (obvs not Brian, but you know what I mean) and we don’t have anymore fights or squabbles than the average family from what I can see.

I also think the actions of the NRP are pretty important too. My ex is/was pretty lazy when it came to the girls and he actively encouraged them to become close to DH (once they called DH Pop he wanted to stop all maintenance because if DH wanted to play Dad he could pay for it…). DS’s grandmother has never been anything other than helpful and encouraging (she calls herself my other MIL these days) and I think that helps. A problematic, or even unsupportive, ex can play a part in issues with blended families if children end up torn.

YANBU.

I feel the same. I'm a lone parent and will not be seeking a relationship until children have moved out. What's irritating is that no one believes me!

Mine works.

I was great friends with my ex and his wife. We were a close little family. We all worked together.

My husband loves my children from my previous marriage just like he does his bio children, there has never been a difference in his love for them.

The children were never insecure or jealous and loved him straight away. It just worked so bloody well. I am so grateful for that as it is rare ime for blended families to run so smoothly, but we managed it.

When it works well the four parents sit together and dance together at the wedding reception and you get some VERY cool six parents photos

I am going to be controversial, but tbh I think that it's women who are less able to adapt to more children entering their lives. Possibly it's because most women won't put up with a man seeing their children as second best, but men seem to be less demanding that their children be treated as equals in the blended family.

I also think that having children on both sides makes things more difficult, because you are expecting children to develop relationships they don't necessarily want to have.

But if you read the boards on mn, in general and also the step parenting boards there is a definite difference in how women treat their step children and how men are expected to treat them. so e.g.:

woman posts on the step parenting board that the dsc are sullen, moody ungrateful . Response: "detach, detach, detach and have nothing to do with them.

Elsewhere poster posts that her dp refuses to engage with her child (who is not his biologically) because he is being sullen and moody teenager. Response: "your dp is a disgrace, if he can't engage with your ds you need to put your ds first. ltb."

I am constantly by some of the posts on the step parenting boards, from people who say they have as little to do with the dsc to people who say they resent taking the dsc to visit their family because their family should be for their children only.

Of course there are good step parents out there and some step relationships work, but the reality is that most step families are formed because of what the parents want with little consideration for the children. Children who wouldn't feel able to say if they didn't like their step parents for fear of making their parent unhappy.

N/C as people know this one.

20 years ago DH xW left him for her DH2... taking DSD 1 and 2 with her. DH and I married a couple of years later with DSDs as flower girls. XW has two boys with DH2, and DH and I, we adopt DDs.

DSDs spent 50-50 with us and them. xW and I grow close and girls have continuity between homes. DSDs close to all 4 of us and love having 4 siblings. In fact xW and I shared "mother of the bride" duties and sat together keeping each other calm when DSD1 went into labour.

5 years ago DH2 dies tragically and we start including DSDs brothers in holidays and trips for some male interaction for them. They have no uncles.

Sadly xW is in final stages of terminal cancer and DH and I are the nominated guardians. In the next few weeks once their rooms are finished and before Christmas. The boys and xW will be moving in, my dds can't wait they love their big brothers.

We work because we realised a consistent united front full of love and all of their needs balanced was the best way to it. So you are a little bit U.

I disagree. I absolutely adore my dss who's now 17. I also have my own dd who's 2.5. I've been in dss's life since he was four. It's been tough and challenging and I could throttle him at times but seriously. I love him as much as my dd.
when I was pregnant a friend told me I'd realise what love was when I had my own baby. I was upset for months thinking I didn't love DD like I should as I felt exactly the same about both, it took someone else saying that maybe, just maybe I loved him like my own. Doh!!
It's not all plain sailing, dss has given us usual teenage issues but it helps as his mum is one of my best friends and we attended each other's weddings.
I hope the git realises at Xmas when he gets a new car that I fought tooth and nail justifying it for him (as I know I will want to buy DD first car) so all the family is chipping into it now. We also make sure he is offered the opportunity for any holidays and trips too. He doesn't always fancy Peppa pig world but we ask.

My family (DP, me, DSS1, DSS2 and DD) works brilliantly :)

What doesn't work at all is the relationship between DSS1, DSS2, their mother and her DP. Though the DSSs like their mother's DP's DD well enough.

I don't think it works perfectly. I'm sure it can be ok sometimes it can be horrendous.

Sometimes regular families don't work, I don't think being a single parent works.

Nothing can beat a happy stable traditional family but you make the best of what you've got.

I say that as someone who came from a miserable family despite having mum, dad married, full siblings. From being a single parent to being remarried with a second dc.

Sleep that's so sad but so lovely that in what will be an awful and horrific situation the family will be kept together.

Dss's mum is also guardian for my DD. it keeps siblings together and she's got the same values as me.

I agree, my own experience as a child in a blended situation has meant, should I split up from dh, I wouldn't move in with anyone else until my children had left home. Dating is one thing - blending families is quite another

My mum met my stepdad when it was 18 and brother 16, he is an a,axing man and would do anything for us, my did loves him the most out of all her grandads and they are very close.

My dad is also remarried to a really fantastic woman and her girls have a good relationship with us and my dad. In fact my parents attended each other's weddings.