To not want to alternate Christmas with EX-P?

[crumblybiscuits]

DD is 2. Ex left when I was pregnant, moved about three hours away and ignored me until I gave birth. Since then has had her EOW for one night, although he did recently step up to Friday to Sunday. He picks her up from nursery twice a week (only has her in his company for about 10 minutes). He also just spent a month abroad where he obviously did not see DD for the entire time.
Last Christmas I offered for him to pick her up in the afternoon on Christmas Day. He refused this and wanted to have all day and alternate yearly instead. I said no as I didn't feel this was fair as I do 90% of child raising while he gets to be fun dad one weekend a fortnight. Again this year he has asked to go alternating and again I am going to offer Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day as "their time".
I am against alternating for a couple of reasons - giving DD a good routine and not having her back and forth every year, I am pregnant with DD2 and DD1 will want to spend Christmas morning with her baby sister and it firmly cements Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day morning as her time with ex-p.
Fine to be told IABU as I have been so far by everyone but DF but they all seem to idolise him and doing anything but what he demands causes arguments and accusations of me being "the unreasonable ex."

Going to leave the thread now as getting a bit sick of insinuating that I have an issue with csa which I made it very clear I do not and only answered other people's questions. Our financials have never reflected on my spoon-feeding ex-p contact and visitation. And of course the stellar poster who berated me for "moving on too soon" after ex-p left me three years ago.
I swear people don't even read these threads, they see "custody issue" and are so quick to assume.

Again, thanks all that read thread thoroughly and gave useful and productive arguments.

"I think you're being selfish wanting it all your way. YABU."

Did you also miss the part where he flat out refuses to split the day? He wants all or nothing? Last year refused to see her at all on Christmas Day after I offered the same agreement.

No one is insinuating anything but responding to others that this the money is an issue. I've re-read the thread and can't see anywhere you've said once, let alone more than once, he's not three hours away any more. He's not given up on her and she's not a possession to fight over.

You want the day split so you get the best bits of Christmas Eve and Christmas day morning. You've not said anything to the people that have suggested that alternate years he gets those best bits - or did you miss that part?

Just as he's flat out refusing to split the day you're flat out refusing to alternate. You've made it clear you're not willing to alternate, which is your perogative but I'm not sure you can take the moral high ground when you and your ex are both arguing to try and get your own way.

My third post on the first page when someone asked the same thing as you about if he still lived three hours away and did we expect him to drive that was "No he just moved back and DP drives so we would drop her off also."

PurpleDaisies
He wants to alternate every other Christmas, I do not. I want set out times and schedules and already admitted to another poster I wanted her Christmas morning for selfish reasons.
I started the thread for opinions and I've genuinely read the opinions and taken views and experiences into account. If people think I have made the wrong decision then that's just going to be it isn't it? I only started the thread to get different views on the decision I was making which I achieved, thank you.

OP I was referring to other posters going on about no money no contact issue not you ok. I worded it badly also very tired too.

What I will say is seriously consider the every other arrangement purely because everyone knows where they stand and no arguemebts over timing etc.

If you feel like you are having to force contact then stop let him arrange it with you. You're not responsible for him and it's causing you a lot of stress which you don't need.

I hope things sort out Christmas is such a rubbish time of year in my opinion

No, she is not a possession Annie she is the small child I raise alone 95% of the time with no input or contact from ex-p. Yes, I feel more entitled to the best bits as I do "the best bits"/95% of the work. I am a bit miserable over this as last night's attempt to talk to him about it resulted in digs and insults about me not being capable of reason.
There are only two ways this goes - I am the nasty, bad guy and give her what I feel is the most secure, happy experience and a regular routine or I am the good guy and pack her off to spend Christmas with her Dad while I have Christmas and traditions with DD2 instead.
mushroom It is bloody stressful and I am snappy and miserable of being berated from all sides online and IRL over it now. Its a bloody crap decision to make. Thank you for patience with my snappy posts

Unless it's shared custody 50:50 then one side will always end up doing more and it's usually the mother. Still doesn't make you more entitled. It's not about you.

Things could change in the future too. It's not unheard of that men aren't as interested when they're small but interest grows as the child grows so maybe he'll want more contact as she gets older. Still think YABU but you don't care really want anyone thinks unless it's in your favour. You've decided what you want and you wanted to hear a unanimous YANBU.

Yes Annie, hence why I took the time to ask questions about people's personal arrangements (re - santa), and took on ideas for Christmas Eve activities as extended family and the like. You know that you can be told YABU but still come through the other side feeling justified in your decision? I was told IABU by some, told IANBU by others. It is a split bag. People do not have to change their minds just because they post on AIBU.
And no, it's not about me, but it also may not be in my DD's best interests to ship her off out of her home to a place that she rarely stays with none of her things or the family that she sees every day around her for the benefit of her relationship with ex-p. That is what I am weighing up.
Continue to attempt to be nasty as much as you want. You can't stress me out more about the fairness of this decision than I already am.

If I have anger over anything it's his reluctance to see her when she asks for him and I spoon feed him contact and his choosing going out over seeing her. I get so sick of the fact that if I don't roll over for every single thing he wants I am "the bitter ex" when I'm really not, I just want a life too that doesn't involve ex-p having control over everything.

He sounds so much like my ex it's unreal. Unfortunately I have no answers. 'Mature does-everything responsible parent' versus 'This will all be on my terms or not at all, controlling manchild'. A very common dynamic sadly. It feels easier to shelter the dc's, though they will find out eventually, and it was as sad watching my DS realize exactly who his DF was at the age of 17 as it would have been at the age of 7.

And to throw my hat into the two familied child arena as well, I would not have wanted to be separate from my DM and (more importantly tbh) my siblings at Christmas. I don't think starting early works either, a two day annual event is not a routine. If she doesn't want to be away from you she won't find it easier because it happened two years previously.

Do what you think is best. No-one else is in your shoes. If your ex feels strongly enough about this he'll take you to court where he will get shared birthdays and Christmas's, but I would assume he'd also have to agree to a regular contact schedule. And of course your dd will get older and be able to give her own thoughts.

Op and Angel I am in a similar situation. Exh rarely has overnights with DS - choosing to go on holidays with friends and not the one he promised DS he would take him on etc (he managed 2 nights camping in the end instead of the week at the beach).
He calls me all the names under the sun to his friends and in their eyes I never let him have DS. I have saved all his excuses emails for future reference in case he ever tells DS the same! He can't have DS at the weekend as he plays and coaches football ... Does he see him Christmas Day? No. If he can't be arsed to see his son at weekends because he wants to get pissed after football then why should he see him Christmas Day. DS would laugh in his face if he asked!

As in thinking it was a joke, not laughing nastily

YANBU

Your daughter doesn't have two equal parents, she has a mother and a very much part-time fun uncle style pretend Dad.

Some women are so obsessed with being "fair" to men and their supposed claim to be equal parents that they think it is somehow right to remove a toddler from the only real, stable family she knows and send her off at Christmas to some prick who has never, ever been a parent to her.

She would probably be better off if he disappeared from her life entirely, but it is certainly not in her "best interests" to make decisions about her life based on splitting her in half between her mother and this excuse for a father.

Just wanted to add that as a parent with divorced parents, I'd have HATED to have to leave my home to go elsewhere in the middle of Christmas Day. We used to have Christmas Eve and day at my mum's then Boxing Day and the next day at my dad's where we did Christmas all over again. We occasionally alternated but we (as older children) preferred to be at home for Christmas Day.