To not want to alternate Christmas with EX-P?

[crumblybiscuits]

DD is 2. Ex left when I was pregnant, moved about three hours away and ignored me until I gave birth. Since then has had her EOW for one night, although he did recently step up to Friday to Sunday. He picks her up from nursery twice a week (only has her in his company for about 10 minutes). He also just spent a month abroad where he obviously did not see DD for the entire time.
Last Christmas I offered for him to pick her up in the afternoon on Christmas Day. He refused this and wanted to have all day and alternate yearly instead. I said no as I didn't feel this was fair as I do 90% of child raising while he gets to be fun dad one weekend a fortnight. Again this year he has asked to go alternating and again I am going to offer Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day as "their time".
I am against alternating for a couple of reasons - giving DD a good routine and not having her back and forth every year, I am pregnant with DD2 and DD1 will want to spend Christmas morning with her baby sister and it firmly cements Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day morning as her time with ex-p.
Fine to be told IABU as I have been so far by everyone but DF but they all seem to idolise him and doing anything but what he demands causes arguments and accusations of me being "the unreasonable ex."

If a court would grant him every other Christmas, let him go to court and ask. I'd also be inclined to call his bluff and say you want a proper payment agreement and he can play silly beggars if he likes but you're not going to anymore. When this bill stops coming that would be the way forward anyway, and his compo won't last him forever.

Right, after reading your later posts after I answered then YANBU. I was basing my answer on the thought that he lived 3 hours away and that your DD would be spending that time stuck in the car every Christmas Day which would be miserable. Considering that now he lives only 10 minutes away your arrangement would work.

GruntledOne
I don't feel I tried to hide the fact that I do feel more entitled as I am the only constant DD really has, I just think the routine is another plus to having a set agreement instead of this argument every year. I really openly facilitate him every year, even had him round at my house (minus DP) on Xmas morning the first year of her life so we could share the moment. He left after about five minutes after sitting on his phone the entire time.

Give him Boxing Day and tell him he's lucky to have it.

You are are absolutely not being unreasonable to say this. Good luck with the new baby, and enjoy your Xmas with your little one. She has a right to be with her siblings on Xmas day.

Yanbu! You've offered to split the day with him!

My DD sees her dad once every 6-12 weeks, he can have Boxing Day or wait until 2016!

Yanbu you are being more than fair to him under the circumstances. He can watch her open presents from him later in the day, dd should be with her main carer and sibling on Christmas morning.
As I child I went to my ex step dad's house on Xmas eve night so I could wake up with my siblings on the morning. I didn't even like the man and missed my mum and felt guilty but I wanted to be with my sister and little brother. Sibling relationships are probably the closet bonds you can have with people and you need to protect that for your girls.

We do what a previous poster suggested and DSCs mum has them on Christmas Day and we have them boxing day. It has been that way for 5 Christmases and I can't see it changing, their DM would never consider DH having them on Christmas Day (or letting them go on holiday with us).
Compared to that you are being very very reasonable!

Going against the grain here, but I don't think that alternating between houses on Christmas is the best thing for DC as PP are saying, more in the interests of making sure neither parent misses out on spending the day with their DC.

Obviously it's complicated for families with 50/50 access, but I think a lot of children would choose to spend Christmas day at home, waking up in their own beds, going down their own stairs to find their presents under their own tree. I would have been devastated if I couldn't be with my mum (primary care giver) for Christmas as a child, and we've had tears on Christmas day before when DSS has stayed over.

Apathyisthenewblah
I genuinely do try to co-parent very fairly and evenly. As bitter as I may be remembering him leaving I am very happy with my DP and life and don't hold any real resentment towards him. I think he's a fool and darn unfair 99% of the time but he's a fool that my DD loves and admires.

Oh it's a toughie, I've been there. We settled on an option that didn't really suit us, but we felt was best for our son. We take it in turns for him to be at one parents' house for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning until lunchtime, then goes to the other parents' house for Christmas afternoon and evening, and Boxing Day. Our son is now 14 and whenever we've suggested trying something new, he says he likes it how it is.

I know I would have really struggled with not seeing him at all over Christmas. While yes, it is about what's in the best interests of the child, it's also about making Christmas memories and if her mother only appears in half of them, that doesn't seem right when it's Mummy who does the parenting for 90% of the time.

Good luck OP

Oh, that should say "I don't think that alternating between houses on Christmas is always the best thing for DC", because obviously some children will prefer it, I just don't think that it's a given.

I am pretty confident that I am not being unreasonable by wanting at least half of Xmas day but just wanted to prepare myself as ex-p is not nice when things do not go his way 100 percent and I am liable to backing down to stop the argument unfortunately at my own expense.

I'd say take it or leave it. If he really wants another arrangement he'll have to take you to court. Given you now live nearby I'd say you being both fair and sensible.

for the past two years we have split Christmas 50/50 in that ds (now thirteen) has spent Christmas morning at one house and gone to the other at around teatime. but we only live a ten minute walk apart so that has worked and has been ds' choice. However this year ds has chosen to spend Christmas with me so that xh can spend it with his dp and their new baby and her family, so i am prepared for the fact that he may then opt to do the opposite next year.

Ultimately Christmas day is just a day. we didn't open any presents until ds arrived last year, and in future we will continue to do the same. I appreciate that's more difficult if you have other children who live there full time though.

You- Xmas Eve and Xmas morning, Him- Xmas afternoon and and Boxing Day is completely fair.

It's not fair.Your deal is much better! And is it fair your DD has to split her day in half being shuttled from one place to another.I don't think your legal friend is right.it is not about which parent is more deserving of zmas!! That is irrelevant!

oooh zmas! I like that!

If he goes to court, they will also want a regular contact schedule, because that is also (and more so ) in the best interests of the dc.

That's classic Disney Dad.

Brioche - but why is 'better deal' reduced to two days? What about the other 363 days of the year when he ensures he gets the better deal?

"I don't think your legal friend is right."
She was talking from a legal advice point of view but obviously those things are impossible to guess she said my case was really strong through as he has actively resisted every weekend visitation and even 3/4 weekends.

I'm sorry but you really should start alternating as soon as possible - it's the right thing to do. You can have a Christmas Day on the 23rd and have all your traditions two days early, the children won't know or mind. Splitting the day is honestly the worst of both worlds.

I think YABU and not thinking about your dds best interest but understandably yours.

I do sympathise but it's not the end of the world and Christmas is only one day out of the Christmas season. I know it's hard but your dd isn't just yours and he sounds quite a good dad. He has her Fri to sun eow and picks her up twice in the week. He isn't a feckless dad who only shows up now and again.

I alternated Christmas growing up and absolutely loved having two Christmas mornings, dinners and presents. It wasn't a problem and I didn't realise until I was older how sad it made my dm. She didn't guilt us, try and pursude us not to go or make us feel bad for going so me and my siblings really enjoyed the different Christmas's we celebrated.

Maintenance and contact are separate. They are separate in court and it shouldn't impact on any dcs right to a relationship with both parents.

And that's the whole crux of the matter. Dcs rights are to have a relationship with both parents and isn't for any parent to block the other.

I think most children would want to go to bed in their own beds on Christmas Eve, and spend Christmas morning in their own home with their main parent and siblings.

It should be about what's best for the child, not the NRP's "rights".

Do you think he'd actually take you to court?

I can't see the post where it says sporadic contact. I read eow and twice a week pick up. As for going away for a month I'm failing to see what's wrong with that my dds df goes away for a month once a year and yes he does ring her but she's almost ten not two there's a difference imo.

Eow is pretty standard, to change contact because he's not working at this moment in time isn't abnormal. Who's to say the op would even want 50/50.

If he was leaving the dd waiting all day because he's down the pub and forgot to pick her up I'd be agreeing with the op but he seems quite committed imo.