To not want to alternate Christmas with EX-P?

[crumblybiscuits]

DD is 2. Ex left when I was pregnant, moved about three hours away and ignored me until I gave birth. Since then has had her EOW for one night, although he did recently step up to Friday to Sunday. He picks her up from nursery twice a week (only has her in his company for about 10 minutes). He also just spent a month abroad where he obviously did not see DD for the entire time.
Last Christmas I offered for him to pick her up in the afternoon on Christmas Day. He refused this and wanted to have all day and alternate yearly instead. I said no as I didn't feel this was fair as I do 90% of child raising while he gets to be fun dad one weekend a fortnight. Again this year he has asked to go alternating and again I am going to offer Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day as "their time".
I am against alternating for a couple of reasons - giving DD a good routine and not having her back and forth every year, I am pregnant with DD2 and DD1 will want to spend Christmas morning with her baby sister and it firmly cements Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day morning as her time with ex-p.
Fine to be told IABU as I have been so far by everyone but DF but they all seem to idolise him and doing anything but what he demands causes arguments and accusations of me being "the unreasonable ex."

Ex and I split when DS (11) was a toddler and DD (19) was 9. He sees DS EOW for 9 hours (when he's not on holiday with his "new" family) - but not DD, who refuses point blank to have anything to do with him. I'm the 24/7 parent, the one who gets up in the middle of the night to deal with poorly offspring, who ferries them around, who listens to their tales of woe, who has their bed invaded if and when nightmares occur... and all the other minute details of being a hands-on parent.

Although I have always said that if ex wanted to see them over the festive period, we'd sort something out... neither of the DC have ever wanted to. There is no alternating, there is no shared December 24th, 25th or 26th, and any gift exchanges happen on the following weekend day that ex is due to spend time with DS. This is their choice, incidentally. Ex's and the DC. Personally, I think I'd actually quite like a break/to do what I want to do for a change... especially as I loathe Christmas, and always have done (even when I was a small child I couldn't really see the point in it!). This year, the EOW falls on Boxing Day and when I mentioned this to DS, in a "isn't this brilliant?" sort of a way (secretly thinking that I could spend the day in bed eating chocolate and being lazy!), he became very upset and point blank refused to entertain the idea of spending the 9 hours with his DF's family! I'm not going to force him to do something he has his heart set against - particularly not as we're entering those tricky years where he needs a relationship with his dad in so many ways...

Conversely, I have friends who have split/divorced who do alternate their Christmas' and it seems to work out brilliantly for the children. Not so much for the parent not spending the day/time with the children, but... at the end of the day, it's what's best for the children/what the children want that counts, isn't it?

As your DD grows, she may or may not want to alternate Christmas with your ex. Although, he may also change his mind as time passes. Be prepared for either, and remember that it's what's in the best interests of your DD that counts. Not you. Not your ex. But your DD.

He is her father and a court would grant him every other Christmas and birthday. Your daughter is 2, she won't have a clue what day Christmas is on.

As she grows older, she'll just be used to the pattern of alternating.

The bit about routine is daft, a day every two years isn't a routine. You may have moved on very quickly but her father shouldn't pay for that.

Then he's an utter arse. The fact that you're even offering to drop her gives him no excuse.

Is he self employed or in a family business? I can't understand the mentality of people who won't pay for their children.

Cleansheetsandbedding
To be fair to him it is a large sum he pays but it is more so he can brag about paying for x to people. I could cover bill myself if he would pay direct and get child tax credits too but he refuses as he doesn't want me having his money

I don't think splitting the day is a bad idea, it's a shame he doesn't agree.

I do, however, think that it will be more disruptive the older she gets. If nothing else she will probably have a view on wanting to play with her new toys etc.

Is it an option to say that it can change when she's say 5 to whole days, but whilst she's little it's best to split the day. He may be open to compromise then?

Basically if you want to keep the relationship going in spite of his bratishness, then there is going to come a point where you will need to back down on this one. If you recognise the importance of her seeing him over Xmas then this may be the only way to ensure she gets that. It's not great for you, but you can ensure as much as possible is done to have a lovely Xmas eve and she still gets to experience the holiday with her dad. what's best for her has to be your goal doesn't it really?

On the plus side you'd know that next year is non-negotiable.

AutumnLeavesArePretty
"Moved on pretty quickly". He moved three hours away and slept with other people while I was pregnant but god forbid me for having another baby three years after he ruined my life.

I think your way is fairest, both see her on Christmas Day that way.

Would suggest alternating the following each year:

Xmas eve + Xmas day morning
Xmas day afternoon + Boxing Day

Hatethis22
No it is more like a large compensation sum. He recently quit his job as it stressed him out after two years of nagging me get a job and calling me a bad role model by being a SAHM but that's a whole different story!

"let him take you to court." yeah, because the courts will say to the op "given you get the hard work you get to enjoy the pleasure of Christmas day..." if op goes to court there's every chance that they will award every other christmas to her ex. This isn't about what is in the best interests of the adults, it's about what's in the best interests of the dc.

Op, as much as I know this is difficult, the reality is that you won't be able to maintain this for ever, and time does change things. As much as she now has a sibling at home with you, there's every chance she will one day have siblings at her dad's too, and she has as much right to wake up with them on Christmas morning as she does with her siblings at your house.

Tbh I would be inclined to let her go this year while the baby is still tiny. The baby isn't going to know she's there, newborn babies don't do much, it isn't going to be a magical experience with the two dc because the baby is too young for that still. Next year however the baby will at least be able to play with toys/boxes/wrapping paper etc and it will be a more magical experience for your dd as well.

And Christmas day is just a day. You could make Christmas day the 24th of December, tell your dd it's Christmas day, and as she's only two she won't know any different at this stage.

YANBU, he's the one who left. DD and DS don't see ex-DP at Xmas, he chose to leave and so he gave up the chance to see them on Xmas Day. They see him on Boxing Day instead. Hell will freeze over before they go for Xmas, ditto birthdays.

Please don't do a Christmas Day switch over. I had that as a child and I absolutely hated being pushed from pillar to post every year. I felt like a pawn being used by my parents; it wasn't what I wanted but what THEY wanted. I wish they had just alternated years and been done with it.

crumblely he sounds disgusting.

Personally I'd stop the bill payments and push to formalise CS payments.

Also it's not set in stone that a NRP gets the alternative Xmas day. It's based on circumstances, siblings, what's best for the child ect..

"YANBU, he's the one who left. DD and DS don't see ex-DP at Xmas, he chose to leave and so he gave up the chance to see them on Xmas Day. They see him on Boxing Day instead. Hell will freeze over before they go for Xmas, ditto birthdays." wow, nothing like using your children as pawns to vent your bitterness is there?

CalypsoLilt
I don't want her to think she is being sent to her Dad's so we can have the new baby without her. I know that's silly though. Thanks for your input.

Thanks all for your inputs, I am taking it all in. Seems to be a slight mixed bag.

I don't get why some people say the OP is being U. This sounds to me like her exp wanting every other Christmas to himself rather than wanting his DD.
Swap morning/afternoon every year but both see her on Christmas Day.
My DS would not even consider going to his dad's Christmas Day - he wants to be at home and he doesn't see dads house as home (dad doesn't have him overnight regularly - about 5 times this year as he is too busy!!)

FWIW I have been told by a family law friend that he would be unlikely to be awarded EO Christmas in court as he chose to move/run away from us for so long and has fought me tooth and nail for increases in contact unless they are 100% his way. As it is DP works away and we will eventually (years and years away) have to move away ourselves and then this will unfortunately be a non-argument. He is really against court anyway as he does not want any more contact/any more of his weekends/drinking time being eaten into.

I think YANBU considering the circumstances (that you split up whilst you were expecting DD etc.)
I agree it will be good to have a settled routine for her and for you all and think it's great if that can be achieved

Op - if he won't fight you in court tell him to jog on.

JugglingFromHereToThere
A lot of people have rubbished the routine theory but I feel that she will know where she is going when and won't feel like she is being pushed out of either family. Hopefully will save on arguments such as "I want to go here with Mum instead of Dad" and vice versa if we have a plan set in stone.

wannabe not at all, they are teenagers and they made their own minds up ages ago.

Yes, I think there's a lot to be said for something settled and consistent for everyone involved. Hopefully less opportunity for conflict if there's less negotiation involved, just doing the same as you always do once it gets established. That's the theory anyway!

I say fuck what he wants. When he pays 50% of what it actually costs to raise a child, be that via child support or actually physically looking after/feeding/housing her, then he gets to ask for alternate Christmases. In the meantime I would laugh in his face.

I actually think your current arrangement is fab. If he wasnt being such an arse, your dd would have the opportunity to spend Christmas with both of her parents, rather than always missing one of you.

Normally I'd say YABU however given that you will have a new baby this Christmas I think it's very important that your DD gets to spend Christmas morning with her new sibling. Otherwise she might feel left out.

I don't think the desire for a routine is a respectable reason for doing what you suggest - face it, Christmas isn't a routine event. I also see why he thinks that Christmas afternoon isn't enough, it does mean he misses out on the Christmas morning excitement of DD opening her stocking.