To not want to alternate Christmas with EX-P?

[crumblybiscuits]

DD is 2. Ex left when I was pregnant, moved about three hours away and ignored me until I gave birth. Since then has had her EOW for one night, although he did recently step up to Friday to Sunday. He picks her up from nursery twice a week (only has her in his company for about 10 minutes). He also just spent a month abroad where he obviously did not see DD for the entire time.
Last Christmas I offered for him to pick her up in the afternoon on Christmas Day. He refused this and wanted to have all day and alternate yearly instead. I said no as I didn't feel this was fair as I do 90% of child raising while he gets to be fun dad one weekend a fortnight. Again this year he has asked to go alternating and again I am going to offer Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day as "their time".
I am against alternating for a couple of reasons - giving DD a good routine and not having her back and forth every year, I am pregnant with DD2 and DD1 will want to spend Christmas morning with her baby sister and it firmly cements Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day morning as her time with ex-p.
Fine to be told IABU as I have been so far by everyone but DF but they all seem to idolise him and doing anything but what he demands causes arguments and accusations of me being "the unreasonable ex."

Do you think he'd actually take you to court?
No. He doesn't want to be asked why he doesn't want to see her more. I offered more several times and was rebuffed each time. Eats into his carefree time.

Just say no about Christmas then. She can visit him in the afternoon on Christmas Day and stay with him Boxing Day, he can like it or lump it.

YABU He also wants to experience waking up with his dd on Christmas morning.. 2 fair ways to do this

1 alternate one year he has her from Christmas eve to Boxing day next year you do

2 split the day and alternate how each year.. So if you had her for waking up last year then its his turn this year and midway through you split and go to the other .. This is what you suggested already but have you entertained the idea of "giving up" stocking time and Christmas dinner with her every second year.

I get you want to be with her etc However speaking as a child of divorced parents. I have no recollection of celebrating Christmas with my father as a child as that was not part of the settlement so I spent every Christmas with my mother only as an adult have had 2 Christmasses with my father.

I truly wish I could have some childhood memories of celebrating Christmas with him. I bet your dd will feel that way as an adult too.

Another child of divorced parents saying alternating is better. You can't relax when you know you're off somewhere else later in the day, that there will be a tense change between your parents and everything feels awkward.

Once we started alternating it was completely different. Miles better-we basically had two Christmases. Try and put aside wanting to get your way (I'm not saying you're doing this-it is hard to come to an agreement with someone you quite reasonably dislike) and think what's best for your dd. It isn't necessarily seeing both of you on Christmas Day.

Why does him paying the bill directly mean you can't claim tax credits? Or is it childcare costs?

Childcare costs, yes.

Hmm your post tries make it seem like his a deadbeat dad when he has regular contact.

The way I see it, we have two Christmas days...Christmas and Boxing day so I wouldn't have an problem with alternative Christmas. This is what happens when you have separated parents...

Rebecca2014
I've actually defended him several times when other posters have suggested he's a poor Dad and very clearly repeated how I encourage the contact at every turn so your snipe doesn't really seem justified.

I understand why you feel he doesn't deserve the fun stuff but he is seeing her regularly, so it should be alternate Christmases until she is old enough to express a preference.

I fully admit that I'm a bit of a shit when it comes to Christmas and Ex has never had DS1 on Christmas Eve, ever. DS1 is 10 and I've never spent a Christmas without him, nor would I be willing to unless he requested.

However, Ex and his DP and her DS come to us on Christmas Eve and we go to Christingle together (with MIL and my parents, too) then out for a meal, and he picks up DS1 at tea time on Christmas Day, or we drop him to his Dad depending on whose turn it is to collect/drop off. The only part I won't be flexible on is where he wakes on Christmas Day. Ex seems happy with this, and DS1 seems happy with this so we get along ok.

It's so hard to roll over for whatever he wants when he only sees her (for longer than ten minutes where they don't even leave the car - I offered overnight contact on these nights and he declined) 2/14 days a fortnight but he still gets to take over my family's Christmas. I am trying though to be as fair as possible by taking on other opinions so hopefully I get a gold star for that even if I am struggling.

I totally understand why you want Christmas with your child - it would break my heart to not be with mine. However I am sure your ex has strong feelings for your Dd and would be equally as upset as you - so I do think you are being unreasonable. My husband would have been heartbroken to not have Christmas with his son, I also don't think that splitting the day works for anyone really. It is either alternate years or work something out so you can celebrate together.

TimeToMuskUp
That's a very good idea! When approaching I will definitely suggest the idea of doing things as an extended family on Christmas Eve. The only thing I really want is her waking up on Christmas Day with her sister but I admit that is for selfish reasons

Of course it's hard for you. However, your daughter will always know that you made every effort to facilitate contact and went the extra mile, even if he didn't.

I personally don't think YABU, I don't know your circumstances anymore than what has been written in your thread, and you seem fair to me! Just wanted to tell you how we spent our Christmases as children of divorced parents...

Mum and dad used to alternate every year, so, if mum had us Christmas, dad would have us new year and then the following year we would switch. We used to stay at one parents place until mid afternoon on the 27th (my birthday, so I got to see both parents/step parents and half siblings as well), then we would be dropped off at the other parents house. We used to have 2 Christmas days, one with one parent on actual Christmas, and the other was usually "Christmas Eve" on the 28th and "Christmas Day" on the 29th. We LOVED it! We loved how special we felt that FC would make a special trip out to deliver our presents after the real Christmas Day, and we would celebrate just the same!

As adults, myself with a baby of my own and one on the way, and my brother with 3 children. Other brother grown up, and sister moved away, we still try get together and to alternate as best as we can, with the occasional new year spent with all of us and both parents and step parents together. I wouldn't change my childhood Christmases for anything! Just thought I'd give you another perspective... It also meant that every other year one of the parents could have a good drink on New Year's Eve and not have to worry about us!

Sorry for the mammoth post, just wanted to tell you about my own childhood experience. Pure magic!

FYI, my dad was a bit of a deadbeat- he left when youngest of us was only a couple of months. Sleeping with my mums best mate and he never paid a penny towards anything for us, quit working so CSA couldn't claim, and on the rare occasion (after years of getting nowhere) when he was asked to get school supplies, my grandparents ended up getting them for us instead. But, we saw him more than the courts said he was allowed, and had these lovely Christmases because my mum knew how much we all loved our dad.

I think your suggestion is admirable to split the day, he treated you horribly. I hope you come to some arrangement that suits all of you!

OP if it was me in your position I wouldn't budge.

We live roughly an hour apart and still split the day. This year I have the morning and drive them half way at lunchtime and exh has the afternoon and in fact they are there until the 30th.
I have muted a few times that we do the full day but the children like it the way it is so my only advice would be settle on something and stick to it. I am like you and have tried to always accomodate but sometimes you have to make a decision.
I wouldn't keep tying yourself in knots about access either. I know you have said the court would wonder why he Doesn't see her more but what he is doing is standard. My ex does the same and Doesn't work....

My ex has never asked to have the dc at xmas but that's more because he's a selfish git.
I woukdvt have let him for a variety of reasons. Non payment, lack of regular consistent contact, the fact that they love all the xmas traditions here in the family home and woukd hate to be in his cold smelly cluttered house.
I have pretty much brought them up without any financial support and done 99% of childcare so damn right I get christnas.
I think it very much depends on the circumstances but in your case I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Previous posters are equally contact with csa payments. That's not how it works. Children are priority here not money.

I was the same age as your dd when my parents split we had alternate Christmases until df died. Ds doesn't see his dad over Christmas at all but they Skype. You need to put aside your anger over his bad behaviour during pregnancy etc and focus on the here and now!

Personally I loved the two lots of Christmas presents at Christmas the every other Christmas didn't affect me in the slightest

MushroomMama
I hadn't brought CSA into it until other posters asked. I really don't have any bitterness over him leaving. It was well over three years ago and I know he kicks himself for it where I moved on and DD has had an amazing step-dad from 6 months old in her life.
I'm definitely focusing on the here and now when I say he sees her 2 days out of 14 so I don't really understand how I'm not. If I have anger over anything it's his reluctance to see her when she asks for him and I spoon feed him contact and his choosing going out over seeing her. I get so sick of the fact that if I don't roll over for every single thing he wants I am "the bitter ex" when I'm really not, I just want a life too that doesn't involve ex-p having control over everything.
I've taken all posts into consideration and still feel I'm not being unreasonable offering what I am (half day, boxing day through til the 30th which includes his birthday) so I will stick with that and discuss it with him.

Thanks all for input!

Sorry Mushroom that was more of a brain dump than a reply! Forgive my brisk tone, I am very tired.

Dh's cousin went to court when it was meant to be his court ordered access the weekend of Christmas and it became apparently his ex was going to break it. The judge amended the order to 3pm on Christmas Day to 3pm Boxing Day as his time. He was happy with that.

My brother only got his eldest on Boxing Day every year of her life.

I think it could work but only if you're willing to alternate your ex having your DD Christmas Eve and half of Christmas Day every other year too (rather than Christmas day afternoon/Boxing day) - plus of course taking it in turns to do the 6 hour round trip to pick her up.

The way you want it it sounds like he's got a 3 hour drive Christmas morning to pick her up and then has to drive 3 hours back. That's not fair. Also as your DD gets older I doubt she'll want to do this trip on Christmas day itself so you might need to alternate to avoid splitting the day with travel time/hand over at another time.

The money is a separate issue as hard as that is to bear.

annielouise
I've already said more than once he doesn't live three hours away anymore and that the child support is not an issue to me.

Alright crumbly! So I missed that. The bit about money was also to others that mentioned it. Christ!

Forgetting the three hour bit I think you're being selfish wanting it all your way. YABU.