PIL changed Xmas arrangements

[stillnotjustamummy]

Complicated one. I have 3 DC, the youngest is 9weeks and eldest is just 4 yrs old.
We invited PIL here. They accepted. I did grocery order. But now apparently its their oldest sons year to see them and he wants to be up north in their old family home as that suits his family better, the PIL claimed that they hadn't accepted our invite, but had left it open. As BIL wants to see them in his childhood home PIL have decided to host BIL there. My DH wants to join them.

I've tried to explain that sleeping 5 to a room plus attempting to bring the kids gifts (dolls house) will be impossible. We have just tried sleeping in a single room on a weekend away and it was awful - no
one slept! It's a 4 or 5 hour drive to PIL house so going in the morning is not an option.

Extra complication - My SIL is expecting a baby and is late in the second trimester. She has had multiple miscarriages and I think she finds it hard to be around me and my girls, which is understandable. I don't want to upset her by butting in on 'her' Christmas. It would strain the accommodation as there really isn't enough space for everyone at PIL house and there are no suitable hotels / holiday let nearby (grim northern village)

I know that next year we will be hosting my nephews from my sister as it is her year to have her sons on on Xmas day. (Messy divorce complicated set up)
Which would mean not doing Christmas with his parents until 2017, which I am fine with but DH would be upset about. He is very sentimental about his childhood family home, he will not support my view that his parents have made other plans and we should carry on with ours at home. Who is being unreasonable?

You have a 9 week old baby and 2 other children under 4. YANBU!

Good grief your DH is being an absolute arse. Your baby will be far too young for that kind of journey, not to mention all the stuff you'll have to cram in the car too. Time to put your foot down Op - perfectly reasonable to now say to DH that you too don't want to discuss it further, that you have decided you and the children are not going and if he is so desperate to have Christmas with his parents, he can go alone. Twat.

Also, that puts you on the road to determining where you will spend Christmas in future years - you'll have broken the cycle.

He goes alone then. There is NO fucking way I would travel that distance with a newborn and two under 4. Both your DH and your BIL are being twats. They can go alone and recreate it all and play little boys. But my answer would still be NO.

The journey as others have said will be more than four hours, it will be double with all the stops that you will have to do.

Also having travelled for 5+ hours by car with a then 3 year old....I will not be doing that anytime soon. The baby may be ok (although isn't it dangerous for a young infant to be in a car seat for that long), but it will be your older two that will make the journey very painful/stressful.

I would say, that if he wants to recreate his childhood christmas then go but you will be staying put. I would also say that if he does decide to do that, I'm not sure I could get passed it as I would know that we would always be second to that of his parents/siblings.

I'd rather eat my own foot than leave my home at Christmas .

Tell your Dh the compromise was ye had in laws every 3 yrs.
You agreed to this and were willing to go ahead with the plan this yr despite having a new baby.
You have been more than fair and he is being a twat .
Is he really going to stress you out and spoil your Christmas to please his brother/ mother/ father ???

YANBU. No way would I do this.

You have a young baby and have every right to stay at home every year.

If he wants to go then he can go on his own can't he?

YANBU! The thought of preparing for, and then dragging three tinies on such a journey, not to mention having no proper sleeping space for them, at the end of the journey - absolutely not!
Stick firmly to your plans, OP.

As I said, I have travelled every Christmas with small people and various other animals. But I would NOT go in your circumstances.

It's not just the packing up of the car with presents to get there, and trying to keep little eyes from seeing what Father Christmas has packed, but the squishing them back in on the way home, with the "generous" huge plastic toys you'll get from GPs that can't be left behind. It's the extra washing and packing and sorting involved, the potential for forgetting vital baby or child-related stuff at a difficult time of the year, the post-birth hormones and discomfort, the DISTINCT possibility that someone in your family of 5 will be feeling less than well with a winter bug (I have travelled a couple of years in a row with surprise pukers in the back who'd seemed fine when we left, only to be raging ill by the time we got to destination), the newborn who wants cuddles and snuggly feeds not carseats and traffic congestion, and the unpredictable and possibly inclement weather.

I would be creating hell, and I would expect my DH to back down. I really would. And I am all for compromise usually. But on this occasion you are NOT happy to travel, and as you have recently gestated and birthed a baby you get the deciding vote. END. OF.

A young baby shouldn't be in a car seat for more that an hour as they can asphyxiate

Ah - the 'magic' of Christmas. Have been there, and done that with demanding family members. DHs plan sounds like it has the potential to create all sorts of stress and unpleasantness. A LOT if people to cram in. Christmas dinner in shifts, more like. Can even believe your in laws think it's a goer.

Lol @ asphyxiation hysteria.

It sounds shit. Your dh needs to understand that you will be utterly miserable. I have dragged my own long suffering dh to similar xmas's and bless his cotton socks he has put up with it. But this year he has put his foot down and tbh I can see why. Your dh needs to grow up

Good luck OP. Your DH sounds like he is going to make life very unpleasant for you whether you go or not to be frank. Selfish fucker

So my sympathies as you can't win either way.

And here's some for your SIL too She sounds like she is equally married to a self centred git. I doubt very much she wants to go or has agreed to this either.

The only workable solution that I can see is to rent somewhere huge for Christmas probably at vast expense, somewhere nice, with tons of space and kids friendly facilities at a more reasonable distance but also somewhere with a decent maternity hospital or within striking distance of her own medical care.

I spent 12 years on the trot with in laws, after a traumatic PG loss one Chriatmas time I decided I wasn't doing all the gadding about anymore.

I informed DH he was dealing with it and that I would never stop him seeing them but had had enough.

The enforced Christmas meet ups were detrimental to my relationship with all of them as there is always an awful atmosphere. MIL and FIL have been divorced for 25 years but still meet up, it's the weirdest dynamic ever.

My SIL is also a massive drama llama and no one else has a life as bad as hers ever. Not even when you have buried your own child. How dare you say you are worried about Christmas as it's the first anniversary coming up of a PG loss where you also nearly died. I'm going to shout at you in Tesco car park for mentioning it in one sentence. Her life is not as she wishes and I have always been sympathetic, one Boxing Day I was up till 4 in the morning with her crying for hours. Apologies for mini thread hijack but that was cathartic.

This year DH will probably fly on Boxing Day or day after to see them.

You have to do something now op or endure years of being unhappy like I did. Your comment about train tickets and your own Fathers funeral shows up your FIL as being King of the arseholes.