PIL changed Xmas arrangements

[stillnotjustamummy]

Complicated one. I have 3 DC, the youngest is 9weeks and eldest is just 4 yrs old.
We invited PIL here. They accepted. I did grocery order. But now apparently its their oldest sons year to see them and he wants to be up north in their old family home as that suits his family better, the PIL claimed that they hadn't accepted our invite, but had left it open. As BIL wants to see them in his childhood home PIL have decided to host BIL there. My DH wants to join them.

I've tried to explain that sleeping 5 to a room plus attempting to bring the kids gifts (dolls house) will be impossible. We have just tried sleeping in a single room on a weekend away and it was awful - no
one slept! It's a 4 or 5 hour drive to PIL house so going in the morning is not an option.

Extra complication - My SIL is expecting a baby and is late in the second trimester. She has had multiple miscarriages and I think she finds it hard to be around me and my girls, which is understandable. I don't want to upset her by butting in on 'her' Christmas. It would strain the accommodation as there really isn't enough space for everyone at PIL house and there are no suitable hotels / holiday let nearby (grim northern village)

I know that next year we will be hosting my nephews from my sister as it is her year to have her sons on on Xmas day. (Messy divorce complicated set up)
Which would mean not doing Christmas with his parents until 2017, which I am fine with but DH would be upset about. He is very sentimental about his childhood family home, he will not support my view that his parents have made other plans and we should carry on with ours at home. Who is being unreasonable?

They sound like children...tantrums, crying if they don't get their own way!

I agree with everyone else, it is just not practical or sensible to travel for hours etc.

Your DH needs to prioritise your family. Could he go up for New Year's Eve and stay for a day or so? It would leave you on your own but it's a compromise of sorts?

Yanbu - where's the joy in your Christmas doing that? All crammed into one room over the festive please bil...sod that.

Tell your dh to get with the programme ffs - if Christmas with his family is on hold till 2017, so be it. He's a big boy now.

to please bil...

YANBU. That's a lot of travel and a lot discomfort to please the inlaws.
Iast year my DH had to put his foot down with me . I love Christmas with my big noisey family, it's bright, fun and just screams Cristmas to me. We had a 10 wk old and 5 year old at the time. I wasn't being practical or realistic and when he laid it out I realised I was being selfish. We stayed in our wee house and had a drama free blissful Christmas and it was actually the best one in a long time.
As you've said you'll just have to be tough.

What is it with these adults who still try to recreate childhood christnas at the cost of their children being unable to create theirs?
Tell your dh that big boys sonetimes cannot go home to mummy for christmas

ledkr

It occurs to me that BIL may have prompted change of plans because he has just realised that, God willing, this time next year he will have his own very very PFB so this could be his last chance for a Christmas in the old family home. I also think if they don't yet have kids then much better for them to be the ones to be with PIL whoever's "turn" it is. Not as much fun having Christmas as a couple as Christmas with a young family or rather you have different priorities (young family means early to bed, minimum alcohol, Christmas Eve ready for a 5am start on Christmas Day. An entirely different timetable and set of priorities to pre-kids/older kids). These are all points to make to your DH to explain why YABU to want to stay at home.

Thing is, next year it will be bil's family with a young baby (albeit not as young). So no doubt plans will have to fall in around them again...

Definitely stick to your guns. I appreciate what works for one family doesn't work for another, and luckily my family is 15 minutes drive away, dh's parents are 30 mins (but they don't drive) and bil 40 mins. Weirdly they're all on a circular route so we could visit everyone if we wanted.

But after dd1's first Xmas even dh swore off visiting everyone in one day. Bil came to us for a brief visit before picking inlaws up. We later drove to my parents before their Christmas dinner, then bil's after theirs and dropped pil back home. Then I cooked our dinner!!! Never. Again. So we have mince pie and cake visits instead. Our home isn't big enough to host everyone for a full cooked meal. But I have done a buffet tea before.

It is time for you to ditch the year about nonsense (happy memories of this between our home and both sets of grandparents as a child) as it just doesn't work for you. There are enough days in between and even new year if it gets into a battle of the wills. But there is also no harm in having several 'Xmas' dinners either. But parents of small children definitely get the say on what happens on the day itself.

-well fgs, I feel sorry for all these kids who have compromised christmas's to please their parents.
My dh family still do big get togethers but I made it clear from day one that my dc woukd not be spending christnas waking up in strange beds, after 3 hour drive on xmas eve, and I woukdvt spend it sitting bolt upright with the TV OFF making small talk with aunties and uncles and sipping on a single glass of wine cos I get loose lipped with alcohol, trying to hold in sprout farts or hurrying a pooh while someone lurks outside waiting.

I coukd go on .......

What Ledkr said! I am firmly of the opinion that once you have kids of your own, you have your own little family - and your own little family christmas.

The Parents or P-I-L are then the ones who go to their adult kids, for christmas, if they want. And the adult kids take turns to host them, if they want. (not brothers and sisters and kids !)

Your dp is being ridiculous, wanting to go to BIL for a big family thing - he has his own family! The PP who suggested he go on his own - yeah, suggest that. He can be with mummy and daddy and brothers and their wives and children - and miss his own kids' christmas day.

I'd have let them know that I was very cross they'd blown us out for BIL and would be staying at home.

Then, it is as a direct consequence of their actions that they won't be seeing you in Xmas day and they only have themselves to blame!

You don't have together them know you are very cross. No need to fall out about it at all. Leave them to it - they've chosen not to come to you. Anyway the person who needs convincing is DH by the sound of it (and be wary of instilling such inflexibility into your own DCs for years to come!) Agree with poster who says when you have a young family Christmas is at yours and people come to you (but maybe that only seems logical to me because that's what we always did at Christmas).

Just get on with your own day. No way I'd trudge all the way up there with 3 small DC and a tiny baby.

You'll have a 3 month old by Christmas - I have one now and she's good in the car but there's no way I'd consider a 4-5 hour trip at peak times when it could easily get longer plus nappy stops at rammed services for necessarily short visit!

We have big get together with siblings cousins just before or after Christmas. This year at my sisters werkend of 19th. Then each little family has their own thkng on their own house. Tho local family will come eg my aunt comes to me as she local.

So maybe organize big family thing separate to the big day in future

YOU'RE the mother now - you decide how Christmas is for your family

Er no. it shojd be a joint decision - that's what a family is.

That said, OP, your DJ is being an idiot. Those plans clearly don't work this year.

There may have been a misunderstanding about whether the PIL firmly accepted your invitation (you thought they did, they didn't think they had - these things happen) and your DH obviously would love to spend Christmas in his family him. However, compromises have to be made and with a little baby, staying at home is the far more sensible option.

We're fortunate that both our families live within 30 miles, so we've always alternated at Christmas, even with the children. But DD1 is 3 now and we've decided now is the time to start making family traditions of our own, so we're staying at home. PIL are invited, but I think they're hosting others, so it'll probably just be us. I'm a little sad about having a quiet Christmas, but I'm happy I won't be running around all day. It's definitely time to put your foot down, it's too far and too much with 3 children. Christmas is about your DC now, your DH needs to understand that. Good luck!

YANBU. He goes alone then.

Tell your husband that if he thinks it's so great doing that journey with three small children and sharing a room with them at night, he can do it on his own.

Unless families are within a short distance and can visit just for the day, eventually something has to give as family members grow up, start families of their own. The sheer numbers mean that it is madness to expect everyone to cram into a small house and sleep there.

I think that MIL makes a drama when things don't go her way and her sons pander to it, but even then, they take turns with their inlaws different years.

I think the idea of writing a list of all the cons is good, perhaps when faced with them all in black and white DH will see how difficult it will be.

I presume you can amend your grocery order?

Feel for you OP.

I'm so glad that DH, although fond of his big family and big get togethers, can see that the upheaval of traveling miles and back and spending great portions of the day being squashed together in the car for ages with young kids is not always worth it!

I think it only took him once or twice to work it out IIRC.

I second the PP who asked why so many men adults seem so happy to pander to their parents' wish to stay the center of everything at xmas. To the detriment of their own DC's xmas.

I'm also wary firm routines surrounding who goes where on what day with family. (Xmas or any time of the year tbh). It cultivates a perfect atmosphere for rigid expectations and potential disappointment.

I don't think the MIL is being particularly u reasonable in this case - it is DH.