PIL changed Xmas arrangements

[stillnotjustamummy]

Complicated one. I have 3 DC, the youngest is 9weeks and eldest is just 4 yrs old.
We invited PIL here. They accepted. I did grocery order. But now apparently its their oldest sons year to see them and he wants to be up north in their old family home as that suits his family better, the PIL claimed that they hadn't accepted our invite, but had left it open. As BIL wants to see them in his childhood home PIL have decided to host BIL there. My DH wants to join them.

I've tried to explain that sleeping 5 to a room plus attempting to bring the kids gifts (dolls house) will be impossible. We have just tried sleeping in a single room on a weekend away and it was awful - no
one slept! It's a 4 or 5 hour drive to PIL house so going in the morning is not an option.

Extra complication - My SIL is expecting a baby and is late in the second trimester. She has had multiple miscarriages and I think she finds it hard to be around me and my girls, which is understandable. I don't want to upset her by butting in on 'her' Christmas. It would strain the accommodation as there really isn't enough space for everyone at PIL house and there are no suitable hotels / holiday let nearby (grim northern village)

I know that next year we will be hosting my nephews from my sister as it is her year to have her sons on on Xmas day. (Messy divorce complicated set up)
Which would mean not doing Christmas with his parents until 2017, which I am fine with but DH would be upset about. He is very sentimental about his childhood family home, he will not support my view that his parents have made other plans and we should carry on with ours at home. Who is being unreasonable?

As it usually turns out in these posts, it is not a PIL issue it is a DH issue.

If being with his parents and siblings is more important than you and your children having a comfortable and relaxing Christmas, send him off on his own.

I'm a big fan of compromise at Christmas, I think we should always be inclusive and cater to others to an extent - you have done this, you've offered to host, which is a lot to do with a tiny baby. I also think travelling that distance with a baby unnecessarily is really daft.

Creating rigid expectations about who goes where and when is what causes the problem (dare I say you are also being a little bit unreasonable in having already mapped out next Christmas?) Much better to take each year as it comes depending on circumstances so noone's offended by you stepping out of line.

My dh has a big family and they all like to get together for Christmas.
We've got three DC too (older than the OP's), and I'm very much over the travelling for hours on Christmas Eve with all the Santa presents hidden in the car, to be squished into shared rooms (or worse, poor mil insisting on sleeping on the couch).
We now spend Christmas in the comfort of our own home, and go to visit both our families immediately after Christmas - usually spending a night with his and a night with mine. Last Christmas was lovely: we took the DC ice skating Christmas Eve, then drinks at nearby friends' house; Christmas day was relaxed at home with our favourite food and a fire in the hearth.

I never understand why people fuss about the travel - I took PFB on a 1700 mile round trip through France when he was 14 weeks old, we had a fabulous time and it did my confidence as a parent no end of good.

It is bad of your PILs to change their minds, that would upset me a lot. On that basis I can see why you don't want to travel and prefer to stay at home.

For various reasons we mostly spend Christmas with my parents - we travel to them, they have a big house and space to host us all, we do not. I don't consider that my DCs are prevented from making any Christmas memories or whatever other nonsense people have come out with on this thread. The boys have an amazing time with their grandparents and whatever other family are there - this year favourite uncle is coming much to their delight.

I can see both sides of your situation OP, I hope you come a solution that suits both you and your DH.

While yes, you are definitely within your rights to stay at home (and see your mother), have you taken a look at Airbnb in the 10/20 mile radius of your PIL's village? Airbnb has TRANSFORMED my relationship with my in-laws (i.e. I never have to stay with them again).

I don't think he's being unreasonable wanting to see all his family. The location is the problem. Can everyone come to you? where do BIL and SIL live?
the gumpf about reliving childhood memories in their childhood home wouldn't wash with me

YANBU. Baby + two more small children + travel = madness.

Your dh will get over it. Wish pil a lovely time and leave them to it. Make some new memories at home with your immediate family.

Unless the parents own a guesthouse that's been blocked out for the holiday, or a mansion, this never works once the adult children have families of their own.

'Can everyone come to you?'

Read the thread. The BIL wants to go to the PIL home up north to relieve his childhood memories. So the OP tells her DH to go alone.

I think in laws are creating the bother but essentially your dh isn't putting a stop to it. Im sure hes a great husband but feels emotionally torn. He needs to accept he has his own growing family and it wont always be possible to make the long journey or live in cramped conditions.

I dont do xmas but every year id travel 7 hrs sometimes longer if probs on rd, easter hols and xmas. But we both have our family in the same town so we wanted to go. But as my family grew from 2 kids to 4 it became very difficult. The room was big but some kids were on the floor, then 2 travel cots squashed in no room to put luggage or hang clothes. Nightmare dressing or bathing constantly up n down the stairs.

My kids wud always get severely ill there too all my nephews nieces 5 of them lived there and my silsx3 and my brosx5.i found it stressful my husband got to relax like a man of leisure.

In the end we couldnt handle lack of space and clutter we went for self catering. i often thght we could have gone to the mediterranean for less and stayed in a villa in warm weather its damn expensive 2 months rent for 2 weeks!

i think u should go to a hotel or self catering but not every yr without fail. You can do 1 year at home have your own intimate xmas following yr spend over there.its not so bad staying away from main house have breakie and showers in peace then spend day at in laws, go back to hotel in time to put kids to bed. Then just the 2 of u have dinner together bliss.

See DH and I are basically homebirds ourselves so don't really have these issues. No one has got a house big enough to host everyone - both come from families of 4 kids - so there have always been different things going on. So, we often have 2 Christmas Days !

Growing up, this is what we did too. One set of grandparents on Christmas Day and the others the Sunday before or so. When my maternal grandparents sold their house that could fit us all in we switched to 2 venues (family homes) for the main meal and met up at a third for pudding and present exchange. However, we did all live in North London apart from one family.

I can't quite get my head round the manipulation, emotional blackmail and all round self-centeredness that goes on in some families...

Oh, fuck that for some Christmas jollies!

No way in hell would my little girl be waking up in a strange bed on Christmas morning having traveled for hours the previous day, so that we could abandon all of our own lovely little Christmas traditions to go play unhappy families with the IL's! If they've moved the goalposts that's their problem, OP. I would absolutely be putting the foot down. Probably on DH's face.

Part of the joy of having your own family is getting to spend days like Christmas all together, making your own traditions and memories as a unit. Tell him to pull his head out his arse the past and enjoy his present/future with his wife and children. Wanting to relive his old childhood Christmases in the old family home indeed. What about his children's Christmas in their family home?!

Tell them all no. Firmly. And if they can't understand you wanting to make Christmas special for your own children in their own home, then don't be wasting any future Christmases with these selfish people.

Let the PIL have christmas where they want and you stay home with your Dc's and enjoy a magical christmas.
If your DH needs his mam and dad let him bugger off up to them.
I always stay home now i've got Dc they need to be with their presents else whats the point and theres not a cat in hells chance am i carting 4 loads of kids stuff please presents for everyone else. That would just be daft.
Wish the PIL a happy christmas and hope they have a lovely time and focus on your own christmas day.

my FIL informing me he'd given it some thought and that this year I could be at home, as if I needed his permission!

This, and his behaviour on your father's funeral day, give you carte blanche to not give a shiny shite about them, as far as I'm concerned.

But anyway, you need your DH to engage. Tell him everything you've told us. Don't let him shrug it off.

If he still decides he'd rather have Christmas with his parents, tell him either he goes on his own or he can go with the kids and deal with schlepping their presents/cramming into one room with them/trying to think of things to do with them on his own.

Yanbu. It sounds cramped and I have a 3 week old so can understand why you don't want to travel etc.

We do have Christmas at PIL house some years up north as they have a 3 bed house so they can house our family without it being a squash as DH brother lives near PIL so DH sister can stay there. Also there is no expectation to come, they are happy to have us but we do not have to come.

This year we're hosting with some of DH family staying, I love a full house

Well, we've never had Christmas at home, always at my parents' (excepting one never-to-be-repeated day at SILs), my family home, and most years with a full complement of other siblings and their partners and families, and sometimes respective in-laws and other various relations too. My aunt & uncle & cousins traveled every year to my grandparents when I was younger - it is how Christmas is for us all, and lots of happy memories. I have never cooked a full-on Christmas lunch

And it's always been a 4-hour plus drive, with small babies and larger kids and often a cat... we have some very festive memories of various horrific vomiting instances and breakdowns in bad weather along the way!

HOWEVER - my DH is actually just as keen, if not more so in some ways, to do Christmas like this. And there have been concessions and variations along the way. My DC have only ever known Christmas traditions at their GPs houses, and are totally unbothered by this - in fact this year we're not doing the 4-hour drive so things will be different but they want things to be as they've known them till now. So you don't need to be at home to have Christmas traditions that are yours and not someone else's, so I do disagree with everyone else on that point. To me, Christmas is less about things being rigidly the same, and more about the feeling you're trying to create, which is goodwill to all...

But in your shoes, OP, YADefNBU. Five to a room, with a newborn and the others under 4, when you've offered to host at your house and understood that to be the case, is not a trip I would feel inclined to make. And I would expect my DH to understand that, regardless of his personal sorrow about missing out on the family Christmas. Can PIL not come to you next Christmas as well as your sister & family? Then it's not "he won't see them til 2017".

I imagine he's feeling fed up about his brother's plans trumping his own. But that doesn't mean that you all have to pack up and go up there. Just stand firm, and re-issue your invite for them all to come to you.

YANBU. As others have said, the very fact that you have a 9 week old baby is reason enough to stay put. Could you compromise by visiting a couple of weeks before Christmas or something, or could they come to you for New Year or something?

It's very rude and hurtful of PIL to accept your invitation then change their minds. It appears they consider the needs and feelings of one of their sons more important than the other and I can see why that would be hard on your DH. However, DH is being equally selfish, expecting you to travel 4-5 hours and sleep 5 to a room with small children and a tiny baby in tow because HE wants to have Christmas in his childhood home. He needs to get over himself and realise that he's a grown man with a family of his own. Why should you and your kids have a rubbish, stressful Christmas so your DH can re-live some sentimental, rose-tinted memories of his own childhood? And why should you put yourself out so much for your in laws when they have just snubbed your kind invitation? Why does your BIL get to dictate what happens every year? I'm sorry but your DH's family sound like a bunch of children and the thought of spending Christmas with any of them would do my head in.
My foot would be well and truly down.

His memories will end up tainted any way after 6 nights of no sleep, grumpy bored children and fed up wife. Not to mention the pressure cooker of extended family cooped up together for days on end.

Best to keep those memories special by keeping them as memories and allow your children to create some new memories of their own. Which your dh will understand because his own childhood memories are so important aren't they?

onlylovers most men wouldnt want to go with kids no wife they want the easy life , because truth be known a lot of men (not all) want to have all the leisure time whilst their partners run around like headless chickens doing choresfor their little kids ie dressing bathing cleaning up if theyre sicks help with feeding. My hols werealways stressful at mums mt husband had great time. I still went coz i knew my mum had little time left on this earth.

Gawd - I wouldn't be going anywhere at Christmas with 3 children under 5. Especially if I had to schlep Father Christmas stuff with me. Life.Is.Way.Too.Short.

They've made alternative plans. I'd make it very clear that you regret that they have decided not to come after all, you will amend the grocery order but under no circumstances will you be travelling. For.The.Foreeable.

I'd undertake to go there for Christmas next when all three children are old enough for sleeping bags and mattresses and not before then.

Your DH is being a clueless dickhead about how much work it is going to entail getting you all there and looking after, feeding and entertaining such small children outside of their home environment.

With any luck it will snow tons and then it will all be moot anyway.

Oh, I know, Katarzyna! I think that's why MN is full of threads like this; because it's the women who bear the brunt of awkward arrangements/family politics.

Hence my suggestion of leaving it all to him and seeing how he really likes it.

I'd be telling your Dh I hope he enjoys his christmas with his family as you and your dc will be at home enjoying yours.

What ledkr said.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Another one agreeing with everyone here. I would not be going at all. Your PIL are way out of line as is your DH.