AIBU over not forcing a child to say please or thank you

[ScrumpyBetty]

AIBU to think that teaching my child manners is not teaching him to blindly follow orders? I am interested in people's opinions after reading a Facebook post of an acquaintance, which basically said that she will never force her child to say please, thank you, give hugs etc if he doesn't want to because she wants her child to respect her and not to have to say please or thank you if he doesn't mean it. She equated teaching a child manners to blindly getting them to follow orders. Now I don't agree with this, but loads of people came on and supported her post, commenting that she was such an inspirational parent and that they fully agreed with her.
I am interested in what other people think.

My children were brought up in France so huga and kisses were the norm but I never forced them.
However, no please = no get and no thank you=me hanging on to whatever it was! Ditto with 'I want' and 'can I'. Every teacher in France would have been on my back if I'd let them off their p's and q's; in England, every teacher remarked on their manners, I just thought it normal until I heard some of the other children - and even worse when they became teenagers. And I've heard dd1 telling her son the same things- in both languages!!

Mine don't have to do hugs and kisses but they do have to greet people politely, take leave of them politely and say please and thank you. They have to do these things whether they 'respect' the person or not. I also treat people politely and expect them to teat me politely whether they 'respect' me or not. In fact, I'm struggling to see the connection to respect at all.

Maisie, what a bizarre woman! It's not as if you worked there

My 18 month old already says peas and ta! He's learning you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar - especially when you want a biscuit

Manners cost nothing (Puts tweedy jacket on ).

Mine had please and thank you drummed into him from an early age. He also knows that "I want" doesn't get him anything. We're a tactile family so ds is too but we've never forced him to give kisses and cuddles, it's just something he's grown up around. I can't bear ill mannered, entitled children as they invariably turn into ill mannered, entitled adults.

Absolutely no to making a child hug or kiss someone they don't want to. Manners are a must though. It's a shame that basic manners seem to be becoming something remarkable these days. I had my kids friends come to the house, spend hours and never say a word to me, no hello, goodbye or thank you.

Vino time

Your dd sounds lovely. Mine are similar by copying us.

My experience is if the parents are kind, well mannered and helpful then their kids generally are too.

This womans kids will be the ones that do not get invited round to play with other children....she is doing them no favours at all x

I was in America recently ... they don't say P and TY AT ALL. It makes them sound so abrupt and rude though they weren't, it's just their culture

Even as someone who loves America I completely agree about the "please" - though no necessarily the "thank you." IME you really can't out-thank these people, with their lovely and constant "you're welcome's" Obviously I know it's a reflex comment, but I don't care; I just love the way it sounds

she is homeschooling her child

Has she ever mentioned "taking children seriously", and/or used the term "coercive" somewhat liberally ?

If yes, you might want to have a plan B exit stratagy to hand.

It doesn't always go horribly wrong. I know some lovely kids raised with TCS/radical unschooling philosophies. But when it does go bent (and in my circles going bent has not been rare) it can become extremely uncomfortable for the adults/children who are in social situations with the less happy results of the above.

I can't think that I've ever had to force my kids to say please and thankyou (and you're welcome, that's very kind, pleasure to meet you, did you sleep well etc) - remind occasionally, but in general, they've picked it up as soon as they could speak, because that's how I (and everyone around us) speaks to them (and it's so cute, so the big smiles they get probably re-enforce it)

I would never pressure a hug (I might ask for one) - especially from DS1 who isn't very huggy.

Manners are always worth learning, intimate contact is always by consent.

I did know a mum who didn't believe in forcing her children to apologise if they hurt someone - she felt that a forced apology was no apology at all. My children however felt differently and voted with their feet. I had to explain to her that they would be no more play dates, which was excruciatingly embarrassing. She was very cross mostly about the idea that my children had feelings too.

All very well except there are many situations in life when, as a child, you do have to blindly follow orders. How on earth will this child be well-equipped for school? For extra-curricular sport? For their own safety at a park, soft play, crossing the road, etc.?

There is a gulf between teaching your child manners and that they can question authority? We have endeavoured to instill in ours a questioning mind alongside good manners.

YANBU and your acquaintance is talking a load of nonsense.